Back to self-indulgence of self-pity.

My exams are over, school break is here...but i realize my time after office hours is mainly spent on work..i used to be spending time with AG, or rather it's that AG would ask me to meet more often during the school break..but now..sigh..somehow seems that a relationship always come to this stagnant point after 4 years..sad, right?

But what to do..i just keep quiet and find things to occupy myself during school break..probably i need to get myself mentally prepared too in events that i will really be left alone in the end.

Somehow, for my 2 relationships, the guy never has plans to spend a marriage life with me. Either they told me they are skeptical about marriages or say they never believe in marriages, blah blah blah..I used to believe and want to prove to them wrong that i can be that special one to make that difference in the life. But i feel I am wrong, furthermore my current relationship seems to be telling me the same thing again. i am starting to believe in myself that i'm just not the guys' marriage type. why? self-scrutinization - i have chubby legs, chubby ankles, i have small eyes, i have a pear figure..an imperfect external appearance. the reality of the society just seems to tell me that forget about you trying to build a lasting and loving marriage for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's a two-way management.

Ladies' intelligence? *smirk* maybe it's just a secondary or tertiary requirement.

Promise, i don't need a promise. I just want a guy who believes in marriage, who believes in building marriage milestones together, who believes that at the end of our lives, we are still holding hands together. (note: of course, basic requirement still applies.)

But then again, when a guy says he believes, how much trust can a girl put upon his words?

- In total self-scrutization and self-pity -

Sigh..today's paper wasn't smooth-riding. Thought i could do well, turned out that things were not going my way..think we have put too much trust on the teachers and i should have just studied everything...

SIGHHHHH.....

Morale is super looww........but still have one more paper to goooo...argh..

Happy new year, everyone!!!!

A new year and I have made new resolutions for this year!

For last year, I did have walked the talk. And this year, I need to get myself to be even more focused and only set 3 priorities.

*Yawn* so tired... =)

One paper down and a coffee session of my performance review with my boss. Super tired. Got to know my performance rating. Sigh, not good at all, compared to my past performance grades. But at least i know my boss's feedback. Apparently he managed to catch spot-on of some of my weaknesses, now i can only use actions to change his views.

Sigh, don't think i can go for the conference next year..sigh..

This time, i am even more certain that i have thrown myself into a big sea, learning how to swim and survive.

Sigh. Oh well, i am young now, i can afford to take hardships. Jiayou jiayou jiayou jiayou!!

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ZJ's birthday today!! Happy birthday!!!! =D

Have not had much pleasant times at work recently..I learnt something new about my weakness and my strength in work..and am trying to be even more careful and detailed in my work.

Kinda been having terrible intuition about how my boss has now evaluated me..but i just gonna be brave and stormed through all obstacles.

I must constantly learn from Da Chang Jin - always face your fear with courage and never give up even in the face of difficulties.

At least i know that now, i have supportive colleagues who are always trying to help or offer me advices whenever i can.

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I was trapped in a lift this evening at my house.

This was the first time when I could feel myself in such technical disorder situation. I did harbor worried thoughts that the lift will topple and my life will be taken just like that.

Thank goodness, i managed to keep my cool and sanity. I kept pressing the alarm bell button. Can't believe i actually had this day when this button has its importance. I didn't want to call my mum, because I know she will freak out, seeing me trapped in the lift and in case the lift has any mishap, I didn't want her to witness this entire tragic.

Anyway, i must really thank my neighbor who entered the same lift as me during that time and then exited after me, came to my rescue. The service man was on his way.

At that instant when the service man opened the lift door with his mere strength, somehow he looked like Superman to me..i was so impressed with his strength that my jaws opened in amazement and i said "wow!". hahha...

Anyway to thank my neighbor, i bought her many tidbits as an appreciation of thanks.

Really if it wasn't for her to offer that first contact point, i wouldn't have gotten out of that trapped lift so quickly.

But can't believe that AG was rather cold towards this incident. Obviously he knew nothing terrible is going to happen to me. Sigh. Don't know whether the value of my existence to him is deteriorating. Sigh, oh well, i gonna get used to this kind of feeling. Probably, for me, this is the value of my existence when my relationship duration is increasing.

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Things have not been going smoothly for me lately..i'm feeling increasingly depressed and have anxiety attacks which i never had before. i could only express my depressions over here in this blog.

Recently i realize my brain seems to be deteriorating unusually..sigh..that gets me upset...

exams at the end of nov..and ends on 1st week of dec..!! so nervous!! this time, i am not going to take any leave to prepare for exams..so gonna push myself to a greater stress management and memory capacity limit!!

Don't know what's wrong with me recently..had all sorts of weird dreams - dreamt of my boss and me feeling pressurized...tied to a bungee thingy and thrown up and down in the air...and my lips being injured by a fish hook, yet didn't feel any pain..

Hmmmm...

Think the boss's expectations really have been stressing me a lot...i'm kinda worried that my numerous questions posed to him may have posed to him that i am not very intelligent...  :s  and don't know why i may have portrayed to him as a not very hardworking worker...sigh...

I am intelligent, just that to avoid any form of misunderstanding, i wanna ask more to double confirm!!! I am hardworking, i have been making a lot of notes to memorise..!!!!

i will survive..i will survive...!!!

Exams are around the corner..i am starting to feel the stress...