utterly pissed off in the day, challenging at the end...

my pants issue is solved. Managed to buy it but the cutting is not very nice. But well, i dun care..

Utterly pissed off in the beginning of the whole duty. when i reached rhouse, things are not arranged properly. Everyone is very scattered and there is no actual meeting area in the hq.

Next, my pass is not done, and i have to do a temporary pass. -_- n heard fr my fren there that things are pretty political. To me, it seems that politics are more prominent. Sigh....

Next thing, reached the stadium. messy meSSY MESSy....disOrGaNISED..DISorganised..

that's all i want to say. Things which could be done in the hq are done there, which seems to cause the whole thing to be disorganised and look last-minute.

Talking about last minute, heard that things are well-planned initially, but implementation of the planning is not fully carried out. last-minute changes are done and my detachment fren was being pushed around by the duty committee.

Not just that, i was very unhappy about some attitudes from one member in the committee. One first aider from another detachment and i were sitting on a bench when she came forward to us. she wanted us to move away cos they will be having a meeting. The problem is that she can't put the message across nicely, and it seems like she's looking down on us. -_- so wat she's an officer?! no customer service. At that point in time, i dislike her a lot and find her to be a very ugly person. =( phmf, yes,i am very angry.

Ok, next, the arrangement of where my detachment fren and i are supposed to stand. Think cos of political issue, or watsoever personal issue, our names are cancelled off without our permission..!! what crap!! =( yes, i'm angry again.

Anyway the whole thing is utterly disorganised and i am very disappointed with the high-level management. Utterly disgusted, pissed, disappointed..!!! At one particular point in time, i've this strong urge of writing to the newspapers. But well, i restrained my utter disappointment. Also, at that point in time, i really miss my zone's ppl badly..cos in their hands, i know and i trust them that they can do things much much better. y do i say so? cos i've been through ndp duty with them last yr, and they've done a very great job in managing ppl and organising things.

and of course, i'm not condemning the committee totally. In fact, my detachment fren has been very very helpful. he knows i need to get a pass and almost bugs the duty chairperson every time he saw him. he really takes a very good care of me this political amateur cum political idiot.

Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. When the duty was almost ending, cases stepped in and i was involved in one. A challenging one. Hypertension case. Spent a great deal reassuring the casualty in getting her to resume normal breathing. She's basically struggling in great pain and was yelling and crying. Tough one. Anyway realised she has great phobia for medical-related stuff. Also got her relative to do a great deal of reassurance. Lucky she's around, cos it'll make things done more effectively n efficiently. Afterall, casualty will feel more reassured when the relative does the job. Spent almost 2 hrs on reassuring the casualty. phew.

Learnt that a casualty really does not need juz the medical treatment, but an important yet insignificant thing is that, he needs emotional and mental treatment. But really glad that i can get to handle a case, juz there are many times when i can't have the chance if there is. Anyway i am really glad that the casualty is feeling so much better and has gone home safely. =)

Saw hp and jh today. jh jokingly said something which hurts me a lot. Really a lot. I join red cross juz because i wanna to be exposed to more first aid experiences, and very often i feel stressed when giving treatment with my rank on. with no rank at all, i feel that i might be able to practise first aid with ease cos i know very well that i've poor first aid experiences and do not excel in it. with my rank on, i am very worried that if i can't treat a casualty, the cadets will start to question my rank and capability. but still, i wan to be with my zone 3 ppl. Afterall, i feel more at ease with them. Know them longer and definitely a certain level of ties is there n i really love being with them. Also, st john has taught me a lot stuff and groom me well. but i really hope they can understand me and not condemn me (if there is).

stress..stress..

stress.......STRESS.....

need to get a pair of dark blue pants by 1300 later...!!! arg...i din know it's compulsory to wear them!!! sigh...lucky thing daliyong has helped me find out whether tampi sells dark blue pants. Well, i'm not going to care so much about the gender of the pants. I juz wanna buy n wear..!!!

This is terrible..dark blue pants are so hard to find... =(

Anyway i'm really stressed up now..dun know whether i can really buy my ideal pants...sigh...

So right now, i'm feeling stressed up now n am trying to find people online to play msn minesweeper game with me now...

and of course, writing this blog..

basically,i'm stressed..stressed..STRESSED...!!!!!!!!!

hmm...

Feeling affected recently.

Been feeling tat i've not been a very good gf to him. A terrible one. Feel myself to be too conservative and narrow-minded, overly suspicious lady these few days. Paranoid, as well. As a result, ended up myself getting into troubles and problems. :(

well, anyway as i say, new challenges will be coming up. I have to make myself to be more accustomed to the future changes. I believe I will lose to some challenges but well, I just do my utmost best to face them.

Sometimes, i wonder how i could be more open-minded n less suspicious. Do have ideas to make myself to be as busy as possible - but that's a short-term solution, isn't it?

Any suggestion?

Be going for this sat's ndp red cross first aid coverage. might meet my sjab frens. hope they'll not be stunned or anything...i juz scare they've misunderstood my intention. cos i juz want to be exposed to as many first aid coverages as possible, in order to upgrade my first aid skill. red cross is my first pri cca which intro me to first aid and cultivate the passion within me, sjab is my cca which trains me more on first aid, nursing, leadership and personal development.

if were to ask me to choose only one, i'm sorry i can't.

cos both are my teachers of my life.

if weren't these two CCAs, there will not have a today's me.

feeling better..

i'm feeling better.

After a wonderful game of badminton and non-stop action of 5 hrs ktv with my 2 other friends.

Somehow, have this feeling that my r/s is moving on to another stage of challenge.

Kinda nervous though...hmm..

Recently, dun know wat's wrong with me. My emotions are almost fluctuating. Arg..terrible...I'm paranoid again...!!!!!!!!

ARGGGgggGGggGg..!! x_X

I'm crapping again...

-_________-

Disliked today.

Feel terribly cheated.

By one of my friends.

Can't believe me got cheated again.

By the same friend.

Something which i can't understand - why can't tell me that plan B has been carried out successfully? and left me this stupid idiot to carry on plan A?

Utterly hurt. Yet a word of apology is not said at all.

Well, i've carried out my plan B too. A subtle one though.

An act of so-called pre-planned revenge?
An act of mental and emotional preparations?
Probably.
Yet it brings out the true colour in this friend. I only know I'm utterly terribly disappointed.

Been feeling cheated these few days.

I can't bring myself to trust guys to a greater extent anymore.
That's why if my this relationship were to end one day, I do not wish to be attached so soon.
One, I dun want the other party to feel that he's just a substitute.
Two, I can't bring myself to trust guys more than in the past.

I know I always look dumb and easily to be cheated. But why take advantages? I put my whole heart to trust a person just because I always have faith in human nature and I always want to behold this faith. To me, I believe no one is completely evil. It's just that the circumstances and ever-changing self-belief and mis-trust bring one to the dark side.

Forced circumstances have drawn me to the darker side.

But dun fret, I'm still holding my faith.

As what I've learnt from my religious lessons in SAC - Forgive and Forget.

Liberated.. =)

Liberated.

From the death of boredom..

=) Nice.

Utterly bored during these 2 days. Watson store was utterly miserably boring. The products which i was asked to sell were almost overshadowed by their competitor products.

-_- terrible.

As a result, i was miserably demoralised. Keeping mum for almost 8 hrs.

I've great tolerance for silence. =]

But of course, he came to visit me. N i was quite affected by some stuff.

Not his fault.

Greed clouds my rationality and trust.

-_- Detest Greed my accompliance.

Anyway saw an old classmate in Watson while i was working. It's Bernard - my classmate who was in the same class as me in TPJC for the first 3 months..!! Goodness me..he's now working as a policeman..!!! ahh..i was very surprised and i was almost staring at him..haa..he caught my eyes but din seem to recognise me.. -_- stupid..anyway he's still as good-looking as ever..whahhaa...well, can say tat frankly over here since he does not have any means of telecommunication from me..if he knows this, i can tell that he will freak out..!! haha..cos i strongly believe n know that i'm not his type of girl. Anyway i'm not very physically appealing, so hhaa..yup..shall not make any further comment. Or else i'll feel depressed about myself again..

Sigh..also, it seems that i'm still not confirmed that i'm going for ndp duty..crap..

Many times, i really detest the sensation of uncertainty and insecurity.

It's suffocating to my emotions.

bored...but busy..

i'm bored..

At the same time, I'm busy too...

Din really have a good rest today..sigh..woke up late in the morning, then ended up cancelling the jogging session with HM..hha..can't go orchard today, ended up have to wake up early to go to the agency just to get one silly time sheet.. -_- SIANN...

Just gotten my tuition work pay..yet, i've to use it to pay for my phone bills.. -_-

SIAN...

Next, i've to start to purchasing a present for one of my frens..arg...might have to spend quite an amount on it.. T_T

Heart-Ache...

Working again as the 'Colgate girl' later in the day..in Parkway again..but this time, in Watson..haha..

Phew...

Then again, SIAN ahh...

Will be super bored later at work. Nothing to look forward after work. He might not be visiting me, and thus, not much motivation. Not just that, later in the day, there's SYF first aid coverage...and cos of work, i can't go...!!!

T_T arg....HEART-BREAKING...!!! *crack crack crack*

Have submitted my resignation letter..my mind is set and has been set.

Have to move on now...

Feeling very sian now..real sian..REAL REAL SIAN..

Slog for so long..yet my earnings are almost equivalent to his. =(
well, wat can i do? his results are there, so can negotiate for higher wage.

Sigh, reality... =(

Envy my fren who can work for his passion...always been busy but always have the chance to get close to his passion..

Really envy him...

School's starting in a few weeks' time, and i dun really look forward to it. Thank goodness, no more lab..i detest lab..detest the cold environment..besides, i'm studying this course for the sake of getting a degree. Passion? Na..not much. Unless they are willing to send me to New Zealand or other European countries to study about water..hhaa...

Hope i can get a class slot to study French...wanna go Paris one day, sit in a road-side cafe, drink coffee, and juz slack there like nobody's business.....and when i go from place to place, i can ride my bicycle, enjoying the cool breeze, the scenery and smell the flowers when i ride past them...

wWoooowOWw...i wan this kind of life.... ^^

Ok,i'm night-dreaming now... -_-

Cosy Bayy...

Went to Cosy Bay with my 4 good good frens..!!! ahaa..had a lot of fun there..the food is nice and the scenery near the Kallang river is simply glamorous...!! We also had lots of fun taking photos..especially corny funny photos..haha..will post them on friendster...!! haha..

Got a bouquet of flowers, a t-shirt and an elephant soft toy from them..love the soft toy especially..and we call it "Kolopok" (Prawn crackers in Hokkien). haha...cos it has ears which are so big and look like kolopok..!! Real cute..!!!

The night scenery is really fabulous and the breeze is simply cooling. Just feel like recommending this to him so that we can go there...hhaa..but well, i know it's impossible to go there with him. Traveling time matters and the mood is really romantic and he will not want to go there...hhaa..yup, tat's him..a practical him....

Got letters from all of them..and the messages inside are simply sweet..!! Will keep them well, definitely..hhaa..and well, i've gotten them a letter each too..haha..read and misunderstood my fren's instructions..haha..and ended up writing letters for everyone..!! haha...me blur liao..haha..

WoooOO..really can't wait for the photos we took in Cosy Bay, especially those on the bridge...

haha.. >_<

And oh ya..before i forget...!! I was told by my collegeaues and one of the kindergarten teachers that i was on TV on the day of Protex's press conference - the one where i work to educate kids on hand hygiene. I was on TV..!! haa..but too bad, i din have a chance to record. haha..

Clean Hands, Good Health..

Realise it's not selling colgate nor teaching kids about brushing teeth..hhaa..

It's all about washing hands...!! ^^

haha..Initially the staff from the company thought that i was those who can't work well. haha..but they are wrong..!! well, they have judged ppl by their covers!! basically, they saw the sian sian look of me - the just-wake-up-not-long-ago look.hhaa..

Anyway I was in charge of a particular station which requires some interactions with the nursery or kindergarten kids. And well, I managed to get them really and fully enjoying themselves in the interaction activity. They were so hyper-excited..!! Their excitement was fully contagious..!! I was so motivated by their enthuasiam that I almost forgot that i am 21 yrs old now..!! haa..It was real fun with the kids..!!

However, those kids can be quite scary too. They can fight over things, including girls.. o_O i was kinda devastated..haa..

The press was here today to attend the press conference. Cameras were almost everywhere n i kinda detest it. Well, the one told me that he saw a little of me on tv..haha..but i din get to watch the news myself. but well, me can't be bothered, cos i scare of looking at myself on national tv. haa..

Noticed how the roadshow was done. Kinda last-minute thingy. And from this event, I learn that last-minute stuff has to be avoided as much as possible. I even heard from one staff that she was staying in tampines mall setting up the booth till 5 am. o_O goodness me..!! If I were the leader, I'll try not to ask them to work so late. Late-night work is bad for health, in a long-term investment.

Cos of last-minute, the person in-charge seemed to be having bad headache. I have learnt something again. Avoid as many last-minute stuff as possible. Cos i dislike getting headaches juz for the sake of last-mintue planning.

In overall, many staff from this comapny praised me for doing an excellent job in getting the kids to participate fully. haha..they even said that i'm good at handling kids..!!! haha...

But well, i can handle kids when they are nice and orderly. When chaos come, nothing can stop the kids....

hahaa...

Clean Hands, Good Health..

Realise it's not selling colgate nor teaching kids about brushing teeth..hhaa..

It's all about washing hands...!! ^^

haha..Initially the staff from the company thought that i was those who can't work well. haha..but they are wrong..!! well, they have judged ppl by their covers!! basically, they saw the sian sian look of me - the just-wake-up-not-long-ago look.hhaa..

Anyway I was in charge of a particular station which requires some interactions with the nursery or kindergarten kids. And well, I managed to get them really and fully enjoying themselves in the interaction activity. They were so hyper-excited..!! Their excitement was fully contagious..!! I was so motivated by their enthuasiam that I almost forgot that i am 21 yrs old now..!! haa..It was real fun with the kids..!!

However, those kids can be quite scary too. They can fight over things, including girls.. o_O i was kinda devastated..haa..

The press was here today to attend the press conference. Cameras were almost everywhere n i kinda detest it. Well, the one told me that he saw a little of me on tv..haha..but i din get to watch the news myself. but well, me can't be bothered, cos i scare of looking at myself on national tv. haa..

Noticed how the roadshow was done. Kinda last-minute thingy. And from this event, I learn that last-minute stuff has to be avoided as much as possible. I even heard from one staff that she was staying in tampines mall setting up the booth till 5 am. o_O goodness me..!! If I were the leader, I'll try not to ask them to work so late. Late-night work is bad for health, in a long-term investment.

Cos of last-minute, the person in-charge seemed to be having bad headache. I have learnt something again. Avoid as many last-minute stuff as possible. Cos i dislike getting headaches juz for the sake of last-mintue planning.

In overall, many staff from this comapny praised me for doing an excellent job in getting the kids to participate fully. haha..they even said that i'm good at handling kids..!!! haha...

But well, i can handle kids when they are nice and orderly. When chaos come, nothing can stop the kids....

hahaa...

Another post on the same day..hhaa..

Juz writing this now..haha..in the weeee hrs of the night..hhaa..

It've 3yrs n 9 mths ever since i am attached to him - the one...

Time flies real fast and the relationship is still going strong. =) i am glad.

I know very clearly why i like him in the first place and all this while. I am told by my buddy that i am quite a technical person. But to me, this technical personality in me is always the angel to treasure this relationship well.

As the time grows, i grow, he grows. My personalities have changed greatly ever since the release of my 'A' level results. My eyes are more open to the reality and my heart detests the sight. My perceptions change with the reality and my hands can't mould them back. Depression and paranoid often seep into the drain of my heart and drown the chambers of heart. Rescuitation is required constantly to revive it from cardiac arrest.

At some occasions, a by-pass operation is required to clear the hard-core cholesterol-filled cardiac arteries.

The surgeons of the operation - my frens, my family and most importantly him - the one.

* =) cool..someone is going to puke again...

Got a Hamtaro miniature toy from my that one..!! yeah..me so happy..!! another 21st birthday present..!! a Hamtaro toy..!! haha.. ^^

*anyway announcement to be made here. my that one wishes to be called 'THE ONE'..remember ppl, especially one particular fren of mine, pls call him 'THE ONE'...

hhaa..

Anyway of course, yesterday lip yung went to visit me at the Giant store and treated me 'Scoop' ice-cream cone..!! yeah..!!! me so happy..!!! Another 21st birthday present..!! An ice-cream..!!! ^^ but the ice-cream girl was kinda biased...she scooped more for him though it's supposed to be me having the 21st birthdat treat.. -_- haha..

Today's last day in Giant selling Colgate..yeah..!! me so happy..!! Few eventful things happened...

1st most eventful one was that one member from the Giant staff came forward to me and asked for my number. I did give it to him so as to save his face from any public embarrassment, but the next day, i msg him very frankly that i do not wish to know him further anymore. I know i'm very mean. In fact, this is my first time to be so mean to a guy. but well, i feel he deserves it cos he's done things which totally disgust and freak me out.

i dislike being freaked out. i'll be in subtle panic attack.

Next few eventful things were that a few of my frens came visit me. hhaa..basically was to pass me some stuff etc..hha..anyway at least their brief appearances kills my boring days. haa..

The best achievement i ever get from working in Giant was that within 5 working hrs, i could sell 76 Total 12 toothpaste and 13 360-degree toothbrush..!! haha..i was real proud of myself. haha..

But feel pretty sad that i have to work in the same store for 3 weekends. Left me with reducing challenges. haha..sorry, i love challenges in my work. But please, never to my relationship with 'THE ONE'..haha.. =p

Dislike fighting with other ladies over him. It hasn't happen yet. but i know i'll dislike. All along, i've low confidence in myself.

oh ya..almost forget..me have gotten a t-shirt from my scout fren, it's the camp t-shirt and the design on the back of the shirt is very nice..!!! considering to wear to school one of the days..haha..

Also, me gotten a handphone pouch from him..haha..juzt nice when i have lost my handphone pouch during the scout camp.hee..kinda girlish though..but well, since it's from him, i juz use it. =)

But still thanks for all the presents and the wishes...all these have made my day. It's not glamourous but i enjoyed its simplicity..

=)

^^ i'm 21 le..

i'm 21 le...haha..thank u everyone for all ur wishes..!!

Anyway let me first talk about yesterday's thingy. hee..went to my fren's scout camp to help him in his district's first aid assessment. hmm..did lotsa waiting cos of the delay in the camp's programs. But was a little disappointed tat i can't give the junior scouts a de-brief on their first aid skills, cos i feel the need to let them learn from their mistakes. however, i am kinda guilty that i think i've been kinda harsh on my fren's juniors. Really a bit guilty n i dun have the chance n courage to tell him my guilt..hope he doesn't mind.. o_O i have to learn to be less harsh, i guess..

Leaving the camp mentally and emotionally tired, i ended up my eve of 21st birthday with dozing off in bed unknowingly..anyway, zhijia was the first one to call me at midnight sharp..haha..followed by him..haha..but cos i dozed off last night, din manage to talk to him..kinda guilty..

Well, my 21st birthday started off with my tuition work, then went to meet him. Initially during the meet-up with him, i was kinda disappointed cos he told me that we might have to go home early and tat he doesn't seem to be very excited in celebrating my birthday. Well, i can understand la, he din sleep early last night, so ended up waking up late and tired. But in the end, i still get to go home slightly later. The whole day was basically short.

In overall, the day was pretty okay but i was really glad that many ppl msg me to wish me a happy birthday n there are unexpected ppl whom i have received message from..really glad..but a bit disappointed tat my buddy seems to not know that my birthday is today. But well, aiya, it's okay to me..cos he's in BMT now, so will tend to forget..

Regarding presents i've received, not many though..but i was already happy le..cos i hardly receive presents from friends. The very first presents i've received was from one of my frens who went for Cambodia's medical aid and had bought some local stuff from there. Pretty interesting gifts. hee..next was a birthday cake bought by my SAC juniors, third was tat i first received red packets from my parents. Forth, was a pure gold key-shaped pendant with a heart shape attached, given from him.

Though all these are not within my wanted list, i am already very glad that i still get to receive presents. ^-^

In fact, the most valuable gifts are the birthday wishes i've received from most of my frens. Two frens who are in overseas now, will still remember my birthday and message me. I am really touched. Also, my tat one will still remember my birthday..cos i've been thinking he's kinda forgotten about it due to the fact that he's been preoccupied with his project...

Anyway, here's my wanted list, since my birthday's over le..hhaa

1) To get a few classical literature books eg. "Pride and Prejudge" by Jane Auston, "Les Miserable", "Little Prince", "Protrait of a Lady" etc..

2) A biography of my favourite artist - Leonardo da Vinci. Regarding his life, his art pieces, his achievements.

3) A Siberian Husky puppy

4) To have my ears pierced

5) A necklace (cos i'm always wearing the same old one)

6) A medical book on advanced first aid and probably nursing.

7) To slim down (cos i need to compete with the ladies in FASS n in the law faculty..ok..crap i'm talking..)

8) To be able to help out more in the first aid aspects in SJAB n Red Cross

9) To be able to be enrolled in Singapore's Children Society

10) A bicycle ( Love cycling from one place to another, while admiring the scenery n enjoying the breeze)

11) A professional camera (still have to read up more on selecting a good one)

12) "ER" drama series CD package

13) "Forrest Gump" movie disc (non-priated)

14) "Braveheart" movie disc (non-priated)

15) To be a KK hospital volunteer to the terminally ill kids

16) Birthday wishes from my friends

17) A bag (not handbag)

18) To get the books titled "Rules of Management" and "Rules of Life"

19) To gain more medical knowledge

20) To improve my drawing and painting skills

hmm..okay..haha..think tat's all..haha.. =P

camp finally ended...

Camp finally ended..really miss my bed and my shower room soooo muccchhh..

hahaa..

The camp has been pretty tiring to me. Physically and mentally. but i know that this will be my last camp i have with the girls. Sad? hmm..a little. Probably because i just have this strong feeling that it's time for me to really move on in life...it's time for the new batch of leaders to lead the girls.

but i've learnt much from the camp though it's only 3 days 2 nights. Once again, i see more situations on leadership and definitely enjoyed some personal leadership experiences. but somehow i realise myself to be more demanding on my NCOs. Maybe i've been too cadets-orientated and been overly strict and insensitive on my NCOs' welfare...sigh..

But one thing which makes me happy was that i could persuade one of my sec 1 cadets to be more outgoing and sociable. The results may be insignificant but i could see her putting in efforts in trying to socialise more with her friends. She is a very shy lady and i was glad that she could actually talk to me about how she felt and why she was feeling negatively. hmm..probably cos she feels that i could seem to read what she's actually thinking, so more willing to speak up..heehee..

Will be working for Colgate next week. Again..hahaaa..will be working in tampines mall, as an oral health educator for the kids. hee..me so excited...haahaa..

-.-

hmm..kinda disappointed today..

probably the day which i have been thinking to be joyful is forgotten, listed in the last-to-remember agenda in one..

anyway away from this disappointment for the time being.

Kinda envy one of my frens. He has gotten his ideal job which corresponds with his interest and passion. Sigh..so good..cos i know i can't gotten to where i want to be in anymore. I've kinda given up hope.

Too bad.

The world has been all along that cruel and realistic.

feeling kinda bothered today..dun know why..

hmm..somehow i juz wanna move on as soon as possible..somehow i'm kinda sick and tired of some parts and parcels of my life.

I know i wan move on, and i have to move on...

Or maybe i really have grown up..

well, obviously, it has to be in terms of mental and emotion aspects.

Din grow much at all throughout these few years..

Besides that i have grown ONE (1) cm taller.. -_-

anyway yup..seen and hear more..more conscious about my own actions. And at times, kinda dislike myself possessing the reality of human nature.

I wanna move away from the darkness of human nature.

Have to get out of that tunnel.

SOON.


or maybe not.

i still have a long way to go in life, and things will be tougher for me to get out.

Sigh.

Really hope Singapore Children's Society replies me soon.

Start liking to hang out with kids sometimes.

cos they can be the sweetest of all, the most innocent of all,
but can be the most devastating of all.

tired.... T_T

my toes are super tired today..

started my work today as a toothpaste and toothbrush promoter..wore my newly bought high heels shoes...n gotten myself blisters on both toes...!!! T_T

PAIN...TIRED........!!!!

but working as promoter is pretty nice experience..haha..

hmm..wat else should i say..? ogh ya..!!!

Notice today a lot of mixed race couples - Asian ladies n European men...Kinda realised that many asian ladies are not very physically attractive n yet Eurpoean men would like them..!! Somehow or rather, maybe i should be attached to european men too..whahaha..!!! -.-

Dun worry, my feelings for my that one still holds strong n DEEPp...

*hahaa..one of my fren will puke..haha..*

sigh...expected... =(

Gotten back my results...

This time, i'm not as lucky as the previous time..The subjects which i'm worried most, really are within my expectations..

Of course i've passed all...but i'm not happy with the results this time...

but i've to accept it..i've neglected my studies a lot least semester. Such results have to be expected, given that i only use one month's time, to catch up all these subjects..

Expected..i've to face the music...

Anyway this coming semester, i've decided to foscus more on my studies. SAC stuff, i will put it across during that whole semester, as it's the main cause of my results...So, in the upcoming semester, i've to juggle well with NDP first aid coverage, my tuition works and my studies...

My over-confidence leads to my downfall...
Again...

I HAVE TO WORK HARD...AND WORK SMART...!!!

KANBATTE...MANSZE SAN...!!!

Bad day..

I'm having a bad day...

Again...

I was supposed to help out in Red Cross's first aid coverage duty. But when i went to the Hq, i realised that the ambulance had left without me..!! i was punctual for the reporting time..but...they juz left...

This duty was a last-minute one and i had offered to help..At that point in time, i feel that st.john, especially my zone's people, are more efficient in handling such last-min duty..sigh...

At that point in time...i was real helpless and felt extremely abandoned.

At that time, i had a great urge to cry...

So, in order to prevent my parents of developing a bad impression of Red Cross, i ended up roaming around. Dennis was busy with his own stuff...

At that time, the more i felt being abandoned...the more i felt like tearing...

Anyway i spent an hr travelling from red cross hq to bedok interchange..then took a bus to tampines..cool rite? Initially, i thought i could have a lonely miserable dinner in macdonald (the place where i love to hang out)...but it was too crowded and i can't find any seats..!! so i went kfc..again, too many ppl...after walking around TM and CS, i finally found a place to eat - few people, n looks peaceful. The Hans restaurant. Sp ended up taking my own sweet time, having a solo dinner there...

The milk tea there tasted too sweet...din end my dinner well.. =(

Today, dennis told me that i will not have the chance to practise first aid on people cos i look like a kid.

I start to question my self-worth.

i start to see myself having less than 50% self-worth. cos i can't find myself being very worthy in his eyes...

True enough, i am aware of myself that i do not have a stern n fierce face. i look like i can be pushed around by people. sigh...i'm depressed...

Sigh..dun know what's wrong with the world recently..seems like many people're having a bad day...

bought a new PC...!!!! ^^

bought a new PC today..!!! waiting for its arrival this coming fri...yeah..!! me so happy..!!!

realy glad that dennis accompanied me to suntec city to help me in the selection and purchase of PC..in fact, i'm more to touched...for yesterday and today, he's been accompanying me and assisting me in the decipher of the technical informations..not just that, he doesn't like to mingle in crowded places but he still tried his best to be my computer consultant..think he doesn't really want to travel so far and squeeze with the crowd, but i could see his effort in tolerating his detest and helping me as much as possible in purchasing a computer of satisfactory specifications with a reasonable price..

REally grateful to his help...thank u.. =)

hmm..well, to express my gratitude, i treated him a bowl of ban mian for dinner yesterday (cos i din bring so much money)..haha..

As for today, he even helped me bargain with the salesman of getting a free delivery!! Sometimes, in fact very often, i am really impressed with his negotiation skills and the way he speaks...hhaa..tat's why right from the start when i knew him as the tj wushu's chairman, i admire and like his this leadership quality.. ^^

ANyway, for what he's done for me these two days, i've been very very grateful to him... =)

but he probably does not know how grateful i am to his efforts... =)

Good day to start..disappointing day to end.. -_-

Good day to start..

Went to zhijia's house to play..had a gathering wif my four good good frens - zhijia, huamin, jacinta and sindy..!! and also zhijia's pet dog Cookie...Cookie is real cute dog. everyone was basically queuing up to take photos with him..hahaa..he is very energetic but he likes to lick ppl (which i notice) hahaa..but when he sleeps, he looks simply angelic..hhaa...very sweet..hhaaa..

had a great day gathering wif them..feels like a long time i have not seen them, though i've met up with them the previous week..hahaa..in fact, i dun feel like going home juz now cos it seems that everyone still has many things to talk about..hahaa....like this kind of gathering - lazy lazy feel but get to talk and laugh..hahaa..

Disappointing day to end..

sigh..it's not about the gathering thingy, but it's about him..after all, i still have to depend on myself. i have to be even more independent, despite my worries. I have to learn to do things more independently, even though i know i'm not inclined to particular areas..

hail the fishing goddess of liberty..

had a great day today..

i went for fishing with my buddy n his buddy..!! n it's my first time fishing..!!!

it was simply great..in the taxi, on our way to the jetty, i was joking that i will free the fish after catching them. They are so grateful to me that they will give me a honourable title of their marine world - "The Goddess of Liberty"..!!! Inevitably, everyone in the taxi, including the taxi driver, was basically laughing for my sillyness. I was almost sent to hougang...cos of my unique title being entitled to me. Obviously, they are all jealous..whahahaaahaahahahaa..

well, haha..anyway, i tried to fish for fish for several hours and only managed to catch fih of about 15..(hmm..i guess?haa..) first time to hold the fishing rod and mingle in the bedok jetty's sea for fishes. When i caught my very first fish, i was simply thrilled..!! obvioucsly, i shrieked for joy as if i had caught a real big fish ( but obviously, i din) hahaa...still it was a wonderful experience..

i do live to my title though. While i was fishing them up, a few fishes were 'liberated' ( they escape on their own) ..haa..when i tried to sing a song to them, i really do catch some fish, and also, my frens were successful on their catch, n most of the time, they did much better than i..haha...well, the song sung by the Fishing Goddess of Liberty does work after all...whahhaa...

At the end of the session, my back of my legs were terribly burnt..somehow, i juz feel like i'm a bbq crab, really to be consumed..goodness me, and my buddy din tell me at all..ggaaa..but also, i was totally absorbed in my fishing mission and had hogged my buddy's fishing rod most of the time..why? cos i can't catch fish more efficiently than both of them do..haha..

Really have a great fishing today, and my mum deep-fried my catch and it was absolutely delicious!! hahaa..really enjoyed fishing..haha..but it's a pity that dennis can't witness my first fishy catch of my life..

well, anyway i know in the fishes' heart, there lies the Goddess of Liberty. And if u all were to go diving and find a statue which looks like me, that's the right one u're looking. It's not ur imagination, nor ur illusion. It is me, the Fishing Goddess of Liberty....

Hail..Hail..HAIL the Goddess of Liberty..!! Free all the fishes from their suffering..!! LIberation's the best way in the world..

whahahahahahaa..hhahaaaa..laugh all u wan..i'm basically craping about the title thingy..hhaa..

haha..i've mini phobia..

haha..had a funny incident today..can't believe i will do that..

hhaa..

Saw my tjc's school mate today in Eunos station. in fact, i don't know his name at all. Just get to know him from a friend of mine. hhaa..one year older than me, think he's from tj's drama club, but still he's a hi-bye friend.

haa..anyway i did see him in Eunos, but i din say 'hi' to him. Instead, i quickly found a seat and looked down at my bag..at my handphone..I know he saw me, and he actually stood almost in front of me, and of course, he din say 'hi' to me either..hhaa..anyway i tried all my best not to look in his direction..dun know why too..i'm kinda nervous whenever i saw him. One, it could be because he's quite good looking. Second, i have this feeling that i'm scared of good-looking guys. i will tend to escape from them as much as possible..hhaa..

anyway he was standing there for a long period of time..there were seats around initially but he din grab one. Think he's trying his luck to catch my attention. haa..then later he still found a seat which is a few seats away from me..later, he actually sticked out his head and looked into my direction..catching my attention, i guess...

Later think at dover station (cos i'm already too nervous to notice anything), he stood up from his seat and again stood almost in front of me. Again, i stood down and talked to my buddy..At that time, i was completely nervous. i can't even speak english properly..!!! argg...!!

Later and later, when the train's reaching jurong east station, he actually talked to a lady who was sitting next to me cos she had dropped something and was not aware. at that time, i did notice him, but it was a quick glance and quickly talked to my buddy again...phew, that's a real close one..

Well, u may say that i'm thinking too much la..but i juz have this strong feeling that he tried to catch my attention...haha..anyway he alighted at jurong east station and i finally had a great relief!!!

haha...really had a super nervous mrt experience..hahaa..i scare he will come talk to me, then ask for my number ( i believe for courtesy's sake)..then then...i dun know liao..hahaa..

but i know myself for sure, i've a mini phobia for good-looking guys.

haa...

hmm.

getting started on preparing for plan B le.

Today's my first time when i took photo with the whole corp SAC..somehow, it left a funny tinge on me.

This photo is my first time taking with them, and it is highly likely my last time with them.

At the thought of it, i realise that it kinda aches to leave them. All through these years, i've seen many of my juniors grown up - from innocent girls to more mature and very often more beautiful ladies with confidence..think i will really miss the days when their innocent ways cheered me up and drove many of my stress away...

this sun's finally my last attachment as a CPR trainee. Really hope i can still have more chances to teach the public or cadets about CPR before i leave..i enjoy teaching first aid and CPR..but of course, i've limited knowledge and experiences which obstruct my development in such area.

Probably this could be one of the reasons i want to leave.

Dislike the feeling of having limited first aid knowledge and experiences.

Things seem to be changing around me. But well, we just have to move on in life.

One of my friends will be leaving for Mount Merapi medical aid very soon. Kinda worried though. Really hope everything'll be fine over there. I'll pray hard to Him.

Dun know what's wrong with me recently.
Seem to be a little depressed over many things.
Including him.

Guess I need another good badminton game.

had a great badminton game today..wilson's pretty good..his ball was fast and swift..lip yung and i found difficulties to pull the score close..hahaa, but well, overall, it was great..!! somehow or rather, after playing the game, i felt i had slimmed down...hhahaaa..!!! had an urge of eating fast food for dinner, but well, dennis stopped me...lucky thing...hahaa..

anyway i'm still feeling terrible over the st john stuffy. Still feeling tired though..sighh...

not just that, had a mini argument with my parents over me taking up the Big Walk duty..they're basically treating me like a kid..!!! scare that there's a peeping tom..scare intruders of the hq are rapist...goodness me..!!! the most unreasonable excuses i've ever heard...!!! As a result, i ended up telling my friend that i'm not going...sigh... T_T i really feel like crying...i really wanna go badly..real bad...sigh...

my parents had announced to me that they WILL NOT allow me to go on any overseas medical coverage aids.. =( i'm really really very depressed over this...!!! somehow they just dun understand me..!!! anyway can't be bothered le..dun feel talking about this..pissed...hahaa.. =p

the more i feel that my dream of getting into medical line is getting even further..

anyway had a temporary job to be a .... guess wat? A TOOTHPASTE PROMOTER...!!! hahaha..cool right? hahaa..initially i went there for a starhub jog, but well, they've no more vacancies, so they offered me this..hahaa..me kinda excited...!! me going to sell toothpaste...!!! hahhaaa..!!! so during this period before i start my work, i'll take extra good care of my teeth. hahaa..why? cos i'm going to be a toothpaste promoter..!!! hahaha..kinda excited..not only that, my very good buddy might be coming to support me!! by buying a toothopaste from me..!! hahaa..also, my parents might be coming too...to take a photo of me being a toothpaste promoter..for souvenir's sake..gosh..hopefully dennis will come support me too..to cheer for me..to give me a cheer, saying "jiayou! jiayou! wo yong yuan zhi chi ni..!!" !!! hahaa..okie, that's in my dream..for this, i know him too well..hhaaa..

hahaa..so, zj, dun feel guilty over the starhub thingy..okie? in fact, i've to thank u..cos this agency seems to be a good one..hhee..u've introduced a good one for me..hhee.. =p =)

moving on..i'm really am..

me intending to move on in my life...this time, i'm really am..

by end of this year, i'm deciding to resign my involvement in sjab. Probably after NCOC (if i am involved)...haha..i'm getting kinda mentally tired..The first aid duties may be no longer a motivation for me to stay in st. john..i realise myself that i'm attending first aid duties with a mentality of wanting to attend to as many cases as possible, often with a desire that there will be cases to be attended to. I realise this is not what i want initially. I have a passion for first aid, but in order to practise first aid, there have to have cases, which implies people have to be injured. It's kinda a selfish thought...

Also, it's time for me to largely remove the pain which has been tying on me for these 2 years. If I really wanted to help people in medical areas, the most appropriate way is to enter the medical line. but well, there's no more hope for me now..sigh..yup..

Busy...even though it's post-exam...

Only until now, then i have the time to write again..

Been very busy after my exams..helping my students and my brother with their upcoming exams..going to gym with him..playing badminton..attending this and that.. phew..goodness me, a lot of things await me.. x_X

My negiotiation skills module is starting next week, and almost every day, i have lessons..well, of course, as you know me, i often love to be a little rebellious..and well, i'm going to skip some lessons..hhaaa..cool rite? xP

Anyway my group is starting on EID project soon..!! ARggggG..!! dun know what task awaits me..
hhaa... xP

Not only that, i have three months' time to finish on one art piece which i'm going to give to my granddad..it've been a long time i've not touched my beloved art pencils..and of course, my paints..been doing sketching all this while, and have neglected my painting skills.. X_x but since it's my granddad's birthday, i'm going to do this art piece well..haha..really hope my painting skills have not deteriorated.. =p

Not just my this self-declared art project, i need to squeeze out time to practise on my chinese calligraphy..It's getting worse, and i really have to improve on it...

Next to do on my list, i need to go back to SAC..it's time..i need to see how my juniors are getting along, and have decided to train on my upcoming leaders on their leadership and knowledge skills. It's time for me to get stressed up again...and i really hope by next year, there will be one junior to take over my job..i think i can't be with SAC for so long..i need to move on..

REally hope i can get to do more public duties, regardless from st john or red cross..i feel i'm still not very experienced in my first aid skills..sigh..

So many things within these few months.. T_T wonder if i can accomplish all these IMPOSSIBLE MISSIONS..haha..

oh ya..i have to get Anh to play badminton with me, before he returns to Vietnam..haha.. :p must catch up with this good friend of mine..hhee.. :p

and oh ya, just remember..i'm reading up on Dan Brown's "Da Vinci Code" now..haha..pretty interesting fictional ideas..which makes me even more curious about my favourite artist - Leonardo da Vinci...ehee..

Well, of course, at the same time..me reading up on Chinese literature - "San Guo Yan Yi"..hope to finish up this novel and another Chinese literature masterpiece - "Hong Lou Mong"

Phew, what a crampy 3 months' holiday for me..haha..

* OH YA..need to go zhijia's house soon, wanna see her pet dog..haha..and of course, can't wait to celebrate my 21st BIRTHDAY...!! haha.. XD

still have one last paper...

still have one last paper n i'm ending my exams soon..!!!

i can't wait for tat day...!!!

but recently, the past few papers, i 've a bad feeling that i'll not do well..in fact, i've a feeling that i'll not have any A for this semester..kinda regretted that i din focus on my studies...had spent too much time on SAC to help them in their first aid competition...sigh...

really risked and jeopardised my studies this time round...sigh... =(

i've to eliminate my this bad habit...!!!

long time i've not heard any comment from my friends, regarding my bad habits..hee..

well, glad to know that i've such terrible personality in me. in fact, i've no idea when i start to have 'cultivated' such attitude.

Lip yong told me that at times, i can be pretty straightforward, often to the extent that i've hurt the others subconsciously. For this, i really have no idea that i really make such terrible mistakes. i din know that i am so harsh in my words at times. well, probably u'll say, it's only a comment from one friend. His words may not be representative of the overall comments. Well, i did ask another friend - the reply is within my expectations - i am really too straightforward!!! =( T_T

i did think of what i've said to these two friends, which i can re-affirm that their comments are true..of course, i feel sad over hearing it, but at the same time, i'm relieved and glad that i am aware of my words. Kinda disappointed with myself initially, i can't believe myself to have 'cultivated' such attitude. Probably, my this attitude could be attributed to my subconsciousness of taking advantages of others' goodness. oh my...this is real selfish of myself... T_T

well, no point brooding over it. i've apologised to these two friends about my this terrible attitudes and hope they've forgiven and forgotten. Not only that, I've decided to change and try my best to eliminate this attitude. i just to be more conscious of my own words - think before i say anything, so that i'll not hurt my friends terribly.

I guess i really take too much advantages of my friends' goodness and tolerance. As a result, i've become less sensitive to others' feelings and eventually create a self-centred world in me.

So, to my friends who are reading this, if you realise any fault in me which u think it'll be good for me to change, do tell me so. Or else, i'll repeat the same mistake. Of course, i may not be able to accomodate to everyone's request but i try, as long as it's reasonable and beneficial for my personal character development.

I want myself to be a better person. It'll be very tiring at times, but i insist on accomplishing this 'impossible mission' throughout my whole life. i know i've been blessed with wonderful friends, and through them, i learn to know about life in a beautiful optimistic way. As a form of gratitude to God and my friends, i yearn to learn from my mistakes and be a better person.

i'm a human after all.

But to thank Him, i want to be a better person.

This, i know, is my life-long objective. =)

i've to eliminate my this bad habit...!!!

long time i've not heard any comment from my friends, regarding my bad habits..hee..

well, glad to know that i've such terrible personality in me. in fact, i've no idea when i start to have 'cultivated' such attitude.

Lip yong told me that at times, i can be pretty straightforward, often to the extent that i've hurt the others subconsciously. For this, i really have no idea that i really make such terrible mistakes. i din know that i am so harsh in my words at times. well, probably u'll say, it's only a comment from one friend. His words may not be representative of the overall comments. Well, i did ask another friend - the reply is within my expectations - i am really too straightforward!!! =( T_T

i did think of what i've said to these two friends, which i can re-affirm that their comments are true..of course, i feel sad over hearing it, but at the same time, i'm relieved and glad that i am aware of my words. Kinda disappointed with myself initially, i can't believe myself to have 'cultivated' such attitude. Probably, my this attitude could be attributed to my subconsciousness of taking advantages of others' goodness. oh my...this is real selfish of myself... T_T

well, no point brooding over it. i've apologised to these two friends about my this terrible attitudes and hope they've forgiven and forgotten. Not only that, I've decided to change and try my best to eliminate this attitude. i just to be more conscious of my own words - think before i say anything, so that i'll not hurt my friends terribly.

I guess i really take too much advantages of my friends' goodness and tolerance. As a result, i've become less sensitive to others' feelings and eventually create a self-centred world in me.

exams are around around the corner...!! T_T

i'm getting more and more stressed up...!!! T_T =(

kinda losing confidence in my microbio..dun think i've done well for the test. I realised i've mixed up a lot of the informations...sigh...maybe i'm really not cut out for memorising informations..or i think it all depends all my interest..haha..

I'm not in a very good mood again...i'm kinda affected by what he mentioned in an issue..but well, he sees it differently.

dennis's been reacting in a way which confuses me.

anyway the past days had been raining pretty heavily...i love it..nice cool weather..sigh..but too bad, i'm having examinations right now. i have no time to admire the beauty of the rainy days. =( still, the rainy days spured my studying spirits, especially on the days when it was raining utterly heavy.. ^^ i love the rain...!!!

i guess i need a good life. Good life as in, i can spend some time sitting in starbucks's sofa, drinking ice cafe latte, eating a slice of cake and watch the scenery outside the cafe. On the rainy days, I can sit there again and have a cup of hot cappucino while watching the heavy downpour and enjoying the chill which the rain brings to the cafe...

maybe i'm a loner..love doing all this alone..well, of course, i can have company. But that can only be one company - no more, no less (it can't anymore less) . The most ideal one will be my future (cos i dun have it now) pet dog Siberian Husky . I know for sure, it will respect my love for serenity and just keep quiet and lay beside me..oh..this is so romantic..hahaa..!!

But too bad, this is not France or any other eurpoean country.

Ahh.....how i wish the exams are over soon..and of course, i really hope i can do well..

a flower for me.. ^^

had a shock, had a surprise of my life..

dennis gave me a flower on sun..

it all happened in the mac when i was studying wif lip yong. Just as when i was studying, a flower stalk was placed in front of me. The first thing which came across in my mind was that it was not valentine's day and yet who wants to sell it to me? hahaa..but when i looked up, i realised it was him!! dennis!! hahaa..!! well, i was so surprised that i shouted in the restaurant..hahaa..even lip yong was kinda embarrassed..hahhaa..

anyway i really did not expect him coming and GIVING ME A FLOWER. he never gives me flowers in our 3 plus years of relationship. and suddenly a daisy flower just popped up in front on me..hahaa..me of course happy and utterly surprised.. did not expect my practical tat one giving me flower..hhee ^^

but recently, dun know what's wrong with him le..treating me very nicely..hahaa..i juz hope it's not anything pessismistic..

^^ i'm glad..

i may not be the luckiest woman in the world, but i know i'm really lucky to have him as my tat one.. ^^

stress..

getting more and more stressed up...

Exams are around the corner and i still have to handle tests...arg...!!! This semester has been passing too quickly, and right now, I'm finding hard to cope with the level of stress. Din do well for my first microbio test and it's depressing me - this implies that i've to work super hard for the upcoming test and the exams. sigh...not only tat,i'm expecting to get a 'A' for my 2nd structure test but i din manage to!!! =( i'm very very sad...i thought my working's correct...sigh... T_T as a result, i spent $4.50 on KFC's Superstar meal to try make myself happy..hmm..work a little effective..sigh...

stress...i'm stressed...!!

i wan to play badminton badly, wan to vent my frustration, my stress intensity on badminton..but i can't..i can't afford the time to do so..!!! maybe i can play pool..but i'm not good at it at all, my ball accurancy's super lousy (i've no idea why) n i always feel stress when i feel i've to meet up to dennis's pool standard..as a result, make me more stress..i can go kbox sing, but money matters!!! money's been pretty tight recently.. -_-

arg...!!! i need a rest but i can't afford the time to do so...!!!

okay..well, at least i still wan to fork out some time to watch my favourite korean show "Paris Lover"...hee...i love the main male character..!! he's so ke-ai (cute) to me...!!! ^^ (hahhaa...talking about this makes me happy) whahhaa...

Recently i can't fork out time to really spend some time with dennis. This time, i realise i really can't..i can still do that in my past few semesters, but not for this time..sigh... T_T sometimes, i juz hope tat he can sit with me while i'm studying outside..he does his own thing while i do mine, n then can chit chat a bit while resting.. arg...i'm dreaming again n i'm rattering and crapping away again.. 'crabs' ...

feel kinda stress now and all i wan to do now, is to ratter and ratter and ratter and ratter... 'crab' 'crab' 'crab' 'crab' 'crab' ...

anyway juz attended my first meeting with red cross's detachment 9 people. met 4 more ppl there..heheee..n if i'm not wrong, i'm going for this national day first aid duty with them..hee..kinda excited though..n kinda worried a little..wonder what the sj ppl'll say..i juz hope nothing's political..tat'll the ugliest thing which i dun wish to see..but still, i've my principles to hold..first aid is my interest and my passion..i wan to be exposed to as many as cases as possible..

i still have intentions to do 2 more voluntary works.. one is to join the deaf association (wan to learn sign language so that i can make frens with the ppl there) and to join KK hospital as a hospital volunteer (where i can help the terminally ill kids by playing with them n cheering them up)

haa...think i'm crazy about voluntary works..hee..but well, as wat i say, this is my interest, my passion..n i feel that i learn a lot by doing voluntary works..still, besides doing voluntary work, i still cannot neglect my family, dennis and my friends.
=)

Practical and Typical

Recently been hearing some stories from my frens regarding guys chasing after ladies..Sad cases there are many, good news there are none... ah...terrible truth, terrible world.

Like what dennis had told me before, when the guy can't get the lady, most (or i should day majority) cases are that he will just leave her alone cos he finds it not worthwhile anymore to spend time on her. And they can't even be good friends, or maybe just friends. if a guy wants to chase after the girl, i mean there's some assets in this lady which attracts him a lot..but why things have to reach to an ugly situation? From friendly conversations to 'hi-bye' ones, o_O sigh.. this is so practical..n so typical when i make my final conclusion.

I try to imagine about my case..what if dennis can't get me, so does it mean that he will, too, be very typical and practical - look out for other options and leave me aside as if we are not at all friendly to each other. What if? what if? arg...i dun want to think of this; i can't bring to myself to imagine.

Maybe i'm paranoid again. But this is the truth right? =(

Anyway this kind of things, i guess, it can't be explained. Typical and practical, they do come together and we all just have to accept. So to my lady friends, we cannot be so naive, thinking that we can still be good friends, or even friends, even though guys fail their 'chase' mission.

*note: okie, a word of fairness, there are girls who can be practical as well..so yup, u get what i mean..gee..

Back to normal mood.. hee..

Back to my normal self. No longer paranoid..hee..

Well, life goes on and I'm still a happy cute cute Man Sze.. ^^ haha..i'm so thick-skinned..

Kinda miss playing badminton..but exams are around the corner and i've refrained from further entertainment. Well, really hope can play a super lot after my exams...and oh ya, i wanna play find a time to play badminton with Anh. Long time never play with him liao, but i really hope everything'll be fine for him nowadays.

Anyway, Dennis has ORD liao (or has he?) ...!!! He'll be super free whereas I'll be super busy..whaa..well, anyway dun know what's wrong with him these few days. He's been treating me as if he's back to the first day when we were attached..haaa..as a result, he makes me feel the same too..haha..well, i believe it's nothing which smells terrible to our relationship. But well, I like the way he treats me now..whhaaa..makes me feel that i am really very lucky to have him...heee ^^

But really, I hope nothing will change when he starts going to law in NUS. Status will be definitely different between both of us. He's going to be a lawyer and I'm an engineer. Sigh..but really, hope everything will turn out fine for both of us. Really worried that I'll be depised by his future lawyer friends. I know i dun have the looks and i know i am just an very average girl who loves to do first aid duties. T_T oh no..i'm having negative thoughts again..hahaha..but well, anyway this is just my predicted future. May not be true. hahaa..

Anyway really hope I can get more 'A's for this semester's exams..Choing ahhhh... hahee... ^_^

Paranoid again...

Getting paranoid again, dun ask me why i'll be so paranoid, juz read what i want to say...

There's been a saying,"Money is the root of all evil."

Not for me.

"Greed is the root of all evil."

It is the greed which drives man to do everything evil - greed for reputation, fame, power, money etc. Man is a greedy creature. He will do things to the extent which bring tragic to the idealistic life. Man always find hard to overcome the evil of greed. To do that, he has to constantly remind himself, and find time for self-reflection. Time is precious in the world like this, hardly any0ne will spare some time for solitude and self-reflection. To them, it is redundant; it is unnecessary.

Definitely I'm not an exception. Greed surrounds me too. Let's not talk about greed for food, delicacy. Let's just talk about greed for our expectations of life. I manage to overcome greed, but not all attempts have been successful. Greed overcomes me, and I realised myself to be disgusting. You may find me overly self-conscious of my own actions. But upon self-reflecting on what greed has done to me, I know, to overcome, it has been a very tedious thing to do.

I used to study a English literature novel "To Kill a Mocking Bird". In the novel, there's a quote which says,"They have nothing to fear, but to fear themselves." Man has to fear the devil of greed. I know the feeling of fear for the devil of greed. Temptation's a friend of greed and I hate myself of being conquered by him, even though it's in the early stage of the 'greed' battle. Managed to stop this battle by the aid of self-consciousness, but the impact of injury inflicted by greed will only be permanent. But well, at least, I know the dangers imposed by greed and will make sure that I'll not make the same mistake. Still then, the shadow of injury will be accompanying me throughout the whole life.

I may be deemed to be paranoid. But I am just often disgusted with the facets of life. Life should be beautiful, but it has been polluted with sins of greed. Some may be washed, but some may leave a great impact on one's life. Lucky me, greed comes and goes at times.

I may be deemed to be naive, to be ignorant. But in fact, I choose to be naive, I choose to be ignorant. Truth can be very hurting and disgusting in the face of greed.

Really, do Man has to have conversations with the devil of greed, before they can learn lessons of life?

stress...

kinda stressed these few days..
the zone first aid competition is coming in a week's time..dun know why for this time, i'm feeling intensively stressful. Probably i've skipped my chinese literature lectures n tutorials, and this module is making me very worried. After the competition, i have to finish a written report of one of my chinese literature novels.
Sigh..stress stress stress..
I want my sch to be in top 3 for first aid competition badly..but they are still not serious. And only that, my sec 3 cadets shocked me the whole day. During the Adult First Aid exam, they dun know how to handle a conscious choking case!!! Goodness me...!!! Sigh...they are going for competition soon and they...ah...I was kinda depressed and greatly affected by it..
Dennis is already not liking me to be involved in st john stuff..n the girls are worrying me terribly..For the past few days, I noticed myself to be quite a bad-tempered person. That is so unlike the usual me!! I've been frowning and scolding my cadets, and i'm quite pissed with myself..
Maybe i've set my expectations too high and i know i've not been a very good officer. Ever since my 'A' levels, i've been angry with myself of not being able to do well and get into medicine course. Probably when i can enter medicine course, i can help my cadets more efficiently. sigh...i've no idea la..no one seems to understand how i feel right now..
It's not tat i dun wan to talk to my frens about this..i wan to, but i dun wan to depress them as well..
think it's time for me to have a good conversation with God. Only He has the patience to hear me out and console me in his own special ways...

hmm..writing this again..this means that i'm feeling kinda moody..hee..

dun know what's wrong with me these few days..been feeling that i've been a terrible girlfriend to dennis..first, i can't give any good advices and can't seem to help him at all. Next, think i'm starting to get kinda demanding..i dun know why suddenly i become like this..recently i kinda have the tendency to intrude his privacy..i realise i can't control myself... i want to give him as much privacy so that i think i will lose him so soon, but at the same time, i want to secure my insecurity within me..I trust him but there's always a devil telling me the opposite..it's a terrible feeling and i detest it.. T_T think i'm starting to get worried as the time for him to go NUS is getting nearer.

Think i've listened to a radio program too much. There's one story which causes me to feel insecure about everything..The writer is also an ordinary girl who is attached to a honest-looking guy. But the guy went to a different uni and the girl realised that they were drifting apart as the guy was treating her very differently. After much persuasion, the guy finally confessed that he had another relationship in uni..and the girl had been kept in the dark cos the guy had tried to show appropriate afffection which seemed to convince her security.

Think i'm kinda scared i might land up like this girl..i hate to feel in this way..and i hate to think such future... T_T

Maybe a relationchip will drift when the 2 parties are not moving together, side by side. Along the same path, once one party's moved a bit too slow, he or she will find difficulty in catching up with the other party's steps. Trying to catch up, but everytime hesitation and inconfidence hinders in the steps of one. And as a result, one is moving, panting while the other is moving with ease. Maybe the faster one will stop and wait for the other to catch up. But when it takes too long, the faster one continues in own's footstep, leaving the slower one behind. Ultimately, the faster one decides to move onto the other path, leaving the slow one finish the unfinished path...

Going back Hong Kong in a few hours' time...

Spent some quality time with Dennis..sigh..will miss him really a lots.. T_T

I really do treasure the times with him. Although he's been busy recently, i do see efforts in him trying to squeeze out time to spend with him.

Can't wait for my 3 weeks to end. Can't wait to come back to see him, to see all my friends as well.

Really miss Dennis and eveyone here...

But i'll be back, people!! ^_^

feeling better..

feeling better now..

starting to take things in its own stride.

i've been expecting too much.

Almost forget about what i've been taught in sec sch.

Give n never expect return.

Can't be bothered so much.

Juz take it easy.

Exams' finishing soon n i'm going away soon..

Going back Hong Kong almost immediately after my last day of exams...

Looking forward to go back, but tink i'm not looking forward to coming back..

Dun see an optimistic future after that.

Dun wan to say the reason here.

Cos i dun feel like.

All i can say "wait n see."

Anyway, i will not have the chance to help SAC with the competition training. Hope they can handle it well. Kinda worried for them. Well, but anyway tink i'll not handling the corp for long. I need a change, i think.

Going away is probably the best way to exploitation.

sian diao

tink i'm really carrying too many responsibilities...

went back to SAC this afternoon..realise things are not working the way i'm expecting..kinda feeling disappointed n demoralised...sigh...

realised that i have no time for SAC anymore..they need officers to go back to help them, to advise them...sigh..times have really changed..i thought SAC can still do without officers. But well, i've been too naive. I have my vice-president suffering from almost depression n i have no idea on how to help her. Cos i know myself that i can't find any time to tend to these matters anymore....

i dun know la..but i feel like leaving them alone..let them learn to survive without officers...i juz hope SAC will have one good leader coming back to be an officer..

cos of the insufficient time i can put on SAC, i feel i'm a terrible leader..i can't make changes.. T_T

Actually i believe i can do it, but time is the major factor. And not only that, i have high expectations, so tend to set high standards for the others. But the thing is, not everyone will want to follow..sigh...terrible...

Maybe i will go back next year to join the NCOC again as a platoon commander. I feel i can train the cadets more efficiently to be leaders...though there are times when i doubt about my leadership qualities. SIGH...

Anyway, i realise i am still looking for what i really want in life. Taking charge of SAC is no longer what i really want. What i want is to help the community, to be able to perfom first aid, to do voluntary work..

Juz realise i have one officer friend who also joins both st john n red cross ^_^ hhee...afterall, i feel i'm not alone.. ^_^ i feel more motivated now..hhaaa..

I really hope i can get many public duties from st john n red cross..i really want badly....

mild depression

tink i'm suffering from mild depression..having been tinking positively negative about myself..paranoid over everything..
probably i have no idea how to handle my sad emotions..can't find anyone to talk about my problems, my worries..in fact, tink it's that i dun wan to find cos i dun wan others to feel the same as me after hearing from mine..maybe, u will ask me to look for dennis..hahaaa...na, dun bother..he has his problems now..n also, i know wat i'll be hearing from him..haha..so na..
still this place will be an almost ideal place for me to vent out..
again, i need to say this - dun have take everything i say here to heart.

realise i can't tell people tat i'm a teochew. why?tink i'll be condemned n mocked. i can't speak, i can't understand a word, n i dun know anything about being a teochew. food tat my family cooks, they juz dun look teochew-style. great, i'm deemed to be a cantonese cos i speak the language. i speak the language not cos i'm a cantonese, but cos i'm fr hong kong. all people from hongkong speak cantonese, no matter who they are - teochew, hainanese etc..
well, ok fine. i'm not a teochew.

tink have overworked myself..need a break probably. but even if i'm free, i've no idea what to do. ok, then it'll be best if the situation remains like this. at least i know i can get myself so busy until i forget my own worries. tink this should be the way for me to handle the emotional inbalance in me.
tis's a problem of a cancerian - emotions analogous to the fluid mechanics' moody diagram.

initially i thought i'm feeling better. probably i was wrong. or maybe due to wat happened this evening. i was being 'reprimanded' by dennis for me being silly naive n sheltered. but it's not his fault..i am one such person. tat's why he's so worked up. i'm sorry.

tink i need a conversation with God.

Everything's fine again... =)

25th Sept.. 3rd year anniversary for dennis n me.. hee =)

Well, everything becomes fine again. think it's really due to the effects of PMS, i've subsided from the mild depression. I met Dennis today n it've been a great day.. =) maybe it's only when i get to see him, then i feel much better..hee..

Anyway, Dennis had a small talk with me juz now. He've read my that super duper depressing blog n had a bit of chat with me. Hmm..not really a bit la, but it's juz tat he helped me clear my doubts n worries. Well, feeling much better now..i almost cried when he said to me that it's me whom he likes.. T_T i'm so touched...

But still, i will try to slim down..haha..still will try my best to be a good gf to him..but i will not over-stress myself ba..hhaa..

Somehow, i know why i like Dennis so much. I like the communication bridge which has been built between both of us. Though there are times when i hardly express my views, he will make the effort to clear as much worries n doubts as possible. =) however, i believe this bridge can be enhanced. Cos i think i still find myself hard to express my true feelings n thoughts with courage. So i wan to try to change this..hahaa...

Anyway, dun worry, people. I have felt much better. Thanks to u, Zhijia n this unknown friend...!! Thanks, Zhijia, for consoling me =) hhaaa...dun worry, still have not forgotten to thank u, zhijia! haa.. =p

So hee...i'm back to my usual self. My PMS is gone, so does my this mild depression.. =D

Anyway today's the 3rd year anniversary for dennis n me =)

Although there are many times i've been finding hard n half-hearted in reaching dennis's expectations of his ideal gf, I've been very glad that i get to know him n be with him as his gf. I like his intelligence n the way he talks. I like a lot of things about him.
Sometimes, i realise that's the sacrifice i've to make. He's smart n i have to catch up with his intelligence. I know i do not fit a lot of reqiurements of his ideal gf. I try to make myself fit in as much as possible. There are times i feel very half-hearted, but i know it'll be good for my future too. Well...i dun know la....

I only know i have to treasure him until the day he finds another better than me. Cos when that day comes, i will juz step back n allow the lady who is much better than me in all aspects, to walk into his life, to help in his future career.

think i've kinda suffered from mild depression..
having thinking in a pessismistic angle. Somehow or rather, i can't stop myself from thinking in this way. Maybe i've overworked myself, maybe i've not been having a proper meal, maybe my PMS has come to haunt upon me..hahaa..

anyway this blog for today will be a depressing one. Juz take it tat i'm crapping away..i juz need to find a channel for me to vent out my depressing thoughts. Later tat, i'll be fine =)

Probably i've been yearning for perfection recently. Trying to fulfill all my responsibilites. As a corp officer, i've failed to be one. As for my other duties, i'm still trying to do my best. Everyday, i dun see myself having a personal time for myself. Tuitions, school work, n trying to find as much time as possible to spend with my loved ones - tat's all i've done. However, i'm glad to do all these. But probably, i'm getting kinda mentally tired..probablly i need a break.

Been trying to reach dennis's expectations of a gf..cos i know myself very well tat i do not possess a lot of his requirements, i try my best to change..probably, i'm very worried that if i can't be within his expectations, i will lose him to other better ladies sooner or rather. I know i'm not good in expressing myself verbally n i'm not good in conversing with his parent. I know i do not have a good body shape n i'm kinda displeased with my external appearances. n as a result, many times, due to my lack of self-confidence, think i've caused frustrations to him. As for body shape, i always find it hard to be motivated to exercise. As a result, i decide to eat very little for my lunch - probably due to tis, it's been attributed to my mild depression. Probably, you will be shocked to hear me saying this - very often, especially recently, i've been having thoughts of going for plastic surgery, to make myself look better. Dennis does say that going for such surgery do not make one lady natural..but well, probably i've started having such conception of guys - they look for external appearance as top priority, internal beauty a secondary factor. I try to be more confident about myself, but again, my inability to express verbally has become a big hindrance to my confidence these few months. I start to worry if i dun hurry learn to express verbally well, when dennis goes to study law, he will meet ladies who can express themselves much better than me. and they can converse much better than me. Once they have interests in dennis n know that they can be even better than me,in terms of looks n confidence, they sure can kick me out. Well, i have this feeling such incident will happen in the future, cos his status in the future will be wat a lot of ladies are looking for.
Somehow or rather, i realise perfections only bring sadness; it only brings inferiority. Learning to accept the existence of human flaws lead to happiness ; it brings satisfaction. but how many people will think of this? Minority, probably none. I try to yearn for perfection, hoping things will be better. However, in the midst of the search, I still can't escape from the fact that this is the reality. I have to accept it.
I only know I've found myself half-hearted in trying to change myself. i'm scared i will lose myself - individuality. I hate the fact that people look for external factors. I hate the fact that i have to accept it. i'm starting to feel confused over humanity. So contradictory that i start to have extreme thoughts n yearn to go for extreme measures - exercise n also at the same time, i shan't not take my lunch ( cos that's the only chance i'll not be stopped). Dennis will be mad over me taking such measures, but i guess i will go my way.
Alright, think i've finished rattering all these depressing thoughts. Probably, like wat dennis says, i'm saying all these for self-pity.
Probably i am.

pissed off...

very pissed off...very disappointed... T_T

early in the morning, i travelled so far to school n yet i can't enter the lecture room. i have no idea why but anyway, i'm very pissed off. I only had 4 hours of sleep last night! n yet i can't attend the stupid dumb dumb lecture... =(

then later in the evening, i thought i can get to meet dennis, but well, in the end, it's cancelled. Initially, i was very excited to meet him after my tuition, thinking that i finally can get to meet him for dinner..But well, things cropped up, he had work to do n i can't meet him...sigh...i dun know la..i only know i'm very disappointed cos i've actually cancelled my visit to SAC n me going to attend a meeting held by the Red Cross's Adult Volunteer Division's Detachment 9. sigh...well, maybe i am not able to handle my disappointment - though i felt better after going to Times bookshop, I still cried in the end when I came back..sigh...but well, it's not his fault too.....

Recently, probably due to his work, he has not been taking interest in my personal stuff. i tried to tell him about my day in Red Cross house on the Mid-Autumn festival celebrations, n he seemed to be thinking about his work... T_T well, it's not his fault la..i know he's been kinda stressed over work, n has been thinking hard.. sigh, i juz have to make do with it..maybe i'm like this too...

Anway, forget about dennis thingy. i've joined the Detachment 9 group in Red Cross's Adult Volunteer Division. The whole organisation concept is very interesting, yet seems disorganised in some way or rather. Basically, the members volunteer to form groups of common interests, n they volunteer to organise activities. Currently, i am still not familiar with the people in this group but i've seen and talked to its leader. Pretty alright. But i have to be more initiative cos they really seem to be what we call a 'voluntary organisation'. heee...but well, i believe this is wat i'm looking for. n i hope i can learn a lot in this group.. =)

ok..here i am, having some time to write..haa..

still waiting for my first aid cert from the red cross. hopefully can get it soon, starting to realise how long 4 weeks it can be. then after that, i can start doing public duty in red cross..yeah!!

started to have a feeling of quitting as a corp staff officer..i dun know why suddenly have this idea..maybe kinda sick of it and start to ponder upon some interesting things about uniformed groups. In fact, i have this idea when i joined NCOC a few months ago.

It is interesting about this thing of human mind. In a non-profit organisation cum uniformed group, cadets with lower ranks listen and obey to those of senior ranks. well, of course u can say, this is obvious...but the thing i'm trying to say is, what is the factor which can make the cadets listen to NCOs or officers? is it due to the fear in the rank difference? is it due to the fearsome authority and power the rank can bring to? or is it due to the environment?

Somehow or rather, I start to think: what if one day these cadets do not want to listen to the higher ranks? they rebel. They refuse to listen to instructions cos these instructions have no benefits to them, especially in the situation of military punishments. It's easy to solve if it were to target at an "out-cast". But what if it's the whole group who rebel? How are the higher ranks going to handle? by rules of punishments? But if what they are prepared for the risks predicted and aim to rebel? I do think of this situation and I cannot think of any solutions to this designated problem. Fear only succumbs me.

People seems to fear the created invisible fearsome. Ranks are a form of symbolism of higher power and authority. Ranks are created and thus are expected to be respected. I have no idea what's human thinking of. Truly, humans are simply the most sophiscated and contradictory animals. Well, probably because they think.

Still don't understand what i am trying to say? it's okay cos i have not figured out the answer to my own question. HA!

busy

super busy these few weeks...completely have no time to go online until now...where i am in school library waiting for my stuff to upload..hahaa..

on 15th aug, it's dennis's birthday and it have been a great one. He is very very very happy with my present i bought for him. hee..guess what is it? haha..it's a Mazda RX-7 24:1 model.. ^_^ he likes it real much and he displays it on his study-table. ^_^

i've completed my red cross first aid standard first aid course and it have been great. i've learnt real lot from the instructor. think cos he's a staff nurse, tat's why he has lots of experiences to share with us. well, but the interesting thing is that he does not look like a nurse to me, cos of his dress code. haha..but well, anyway, i've scored pretty well for the first aid test. hee..i've gotten 29 out of 30 marks..haha...not bad right? in fact, i should have gotten full marks for it if not for my carelessness..haha.. =p i sound cocky here.. well, anyway i've done pretty well for my CPR practicals. ^^

anyway i got to stop writing here...more things coming up here...

hmm..dun know what's wrong with dennis..he's not been in a very good mood ever since on national day..sigh..

n he's not telling me anything..

initially, i thought it's okay for me to not know what's his frustrations, cos i would think i have to respect his privacy. But recently he seemed to be feeling more frustrated and i have no idea how to handle my unbalanced emotions. i tried to ask him, but he'll not tell me anything..sigh..dun know la..maybe i'm juz thinking too much now..

but well, i'm trying to take things in my own stride, trying to respect his privacy..and at the same time, i'm trying to struggle with the pessimistic thoughts n my unbalanced emotions. Maybe i have been too busy with st john n tuition stuff, seem to be neglecting him n as a result, i end up myself not knowing how he's been..it's all my fault..sigh..so maybe if he's hiding anything from me, i can't say anything cos i've not been putting much attention on him..it's not within my control, by that time...

sigh..finding hard to balance my stuff now..initially i thought i can do it, but i realise that i have overlooked one factor - human emotions. haha..of all things, as a cancerian especially, i miss out this portion..well, watever.....

arg.....not juz that, i realise that ENE is a pretty competitive school. Almost everyone is very hardworking n they are really 'chiong'....omg..i really start to doubt my ability to obtain my first class honours now...but well, only like this, i will have a stronger will to fight fight fight...!!

anyway, start moving on to red cross now..NDP is over now n i'm moving on...dun know how my future will be like...well, maybe i will still face many obstructions..i have to remain stubborn now... T_T

national day eve today, and yet i have to go school...stupid ah... T_T
well, anyway pretty good day today. Went to SJI to attend their national day parade. Cool parade..i can say it's something like a mini national day parade in padang..hahaa..
why am i doing there in a boys' school? haha..well, it's my NCOC junior - Weijie, who invited us to go there for a Elite gathering..Weijie's received the best private award and hee..guess he's kinda happy about this award thingy. Also, get to see Venod and talk to him. he's been a great host cos if without his conversation, think i will feel extra ultra awkward in a boys' school. Haaa...

Anyway, going for my last first aid duty tomorrow for national day parade in padang. Will miss the fireworks there. It've been a great experience for me cos i can see the fireworks ever so close and big presented to me! ^_^ i love the fireworks !!

Change my wallpaper le and i have no idea how to edit this stuff..dun know how to link the other blog address...arggg...zhijia...!! i need ur help with this...!!! HELP...!!! Xp

this is so weird..

First day of sch..
all i can say is weird weiRD WEIRD...!!

Right from the start when I stepped into Boon Lay Interchange to wait for the bus, i noticed many, or i should say, all of the faces were very unfamiliar. i have never seen them before!

Not only this, when i reached school, again! the faces were very unfamiliar..aiyo!! At that moment in time, i really felt that i had gone to the wrong campus. haa..but still, i manage to see one of my friends, Gary...and that's all i have seen..of course, did see two or three familiar faces which were in my same batch.

Also, the canteen has been renovated into a food-court style one. Looks weird again to me..

Aiya, anyway the whole school just looks absolutely alien to me!!! T_T

Hee..but there are interesting incidents i encountered in sch. First early in the morning, i attended a lecture on environmental mircobiology which i had a mistake in my timetable which wrote "environmental chemistry". Also, this lecture only had 4 students, excluding me, attending it. I was utterly shocked! Next, my "computational method" lecturer is Dr Yang!!! oh my goodness...of all the lecturers, why must it be him to teach!! T_T well, basically, he is quite a lousy lecturer cos he can't pronounicate words well and doesn't teach well. sigh..but well, i still have to attend the lecture.......

Anyway i have signed up as a member of NTU Red Cross. Hee..kinda happy cos i finally manage to find the club! but well, i have to attend their welcome tea ceremony next week, then i can get to know what's in the club...aiyo...

Sch's starting, and i'm starting to 'chiong' my studies. This week will be my last week to attend SAC training. Sch starts and i have to really manage my time well cos of my hectic tuition work. Hee..i have 5 students, 6 tutoring subjects and 1 tuition centre. Somehow, i juz wish i am a superlady - can manage everything..cos currently, i have to go NDP public duty, and after this event, I still have to attend Red Cross's standard first aid course.....

Wooo...i really hope i can handle my time well!!!

Passing out Parade..SAC

today's SAC passing out parade...kinda sad to see the committee go..
well..this patch of NCOs have been real interesting..there are only 5 members in the committee - no more, no less, just the 5 of them..i can still remember they used to be very childish and disobedient when they first came to join the cca. Initially, this patch consisted of about 15 cadets; n since after the training camp, all except these 5 quited st.john..that was my first time i ever had face such a problem ever since when i was a vice-president of SAC st.john n later their corp staff officer. But well, they stood firm and strong there. I had seen them grown up, though the time i were with them was comparatively little. Now they have learnt to take charge, have grown much more mature..of course, they are real interesting cos one of them love to give some unique education to my juniors..well, anyway i'll not elaborate more on this..hehee >_<
and well, they are the patch who got into third place in first aid competition last year, after a few years of staying out of top 3 positions. In fact, they are the ones who give me much more hope in believing SAC's potential. and it is them who give me the real basic objective of first aid. and it is only until then i realise that i should make sure that all my cadets are well-trained in first aid so that they can offer their service to the public, and not just solely being trained to fight for the positions..
Now, they are going to leave soon and i am going to face a new patch of committee with a different characteristics. A new challenge is coming towards me. Somehow or rather, i realise why i like being a corp staff officer. Every year, i am facing a different patch and i face the challenges in different angles. It really trains me up to learn to adapt flexibly to the ever-changing environment..
A new patch is leading and i have already tried to teach them whatever i know (though not all). This also means i am leaving the fate of SAC to them entirely. This means i am going back to fulfill my basic duty - a student.

real tired during this weekend .. x_x

well came back late on sat night from the NDP rehearsals. Thankfully, nothing much happened during the rehearsal ( phew ) . No extra treatment from the SAF personnels.. whhaaa... !! ^_^ peaceful time, i should say . Hee..

Went to the zoo on sunday n it had been a long time i have not stepped into the zoo..But things have changed there . The hippos are all the small ones, n so are the giraffes n the kangaroos . then later i rushed from mandai zoo to marina bay for wushu gathering... wow, really tiring.. hahaa..

oh ya, one of my indonesian fren msg me on sun morning . it was a greeting msg n from the look of it, i knew he was trying to tell me tat he had returned fr his homeland . haah.... kinda of a weird friendship i have with him..

tired now, wanna stop tying...... my hands are getting very tired liao... x_X

a little depressed now..i also dun know why i am reacting in this way..or maybe cos it's raining outside now n i'm thinking a bit too much..well, anyway.....
somehow or rather, i can't help myself thinking that i dun fit any of dennis's requirements of his ideal lady...he likes girls with look of slightly above the average - which i dun have. He likes ladies who pose themselves to be confident - which i dun think i have the confidence which he is looking for..sigh..anyway even though i have been with him for more than 2 yrs, i cannot understand why he still insists on wanting to continue n maintain this relationship in which i am not within his requirements..haiz..he does fit into my requirements but sadly, i dun fit into his..well, i still have probably a yr's grace period =)
hmm..why am i saying that? haha..hmm..well, basically i just feel very strongly that he can n he will manage to find such lady in NUS..and of course, i know he cannot give me any promise n i dun want him to, but well, these are just my thoughts..
well, probably you will think that someone in NTU might like me n i might have interest in him..but well, think i dun wanna put hopes into that. Even if the guy were to like me, it will be juz a temporary period of time..haha..well, anyway i know not many guys will dare to accept me cos many dare not 'over-power' me. i am a lady with numerous responsibilities. A eldest sister who has to constantly set up a good example to my brothers, the only daughter who cannot let her parents down, corp officer who has to worry for naughty juniors, private tutor with 5 students at hand, a good friend to be, a person who has to constantly self-reflect in order to be good, and a person who just wanna fulfill her dream in one way or another...in summary, i am trying to be a perfect person n an all-rounder.
Just by all these responsibilities, especially my status as a leader (which i have the thirst for leadership opportunities) , think not many guys dare to come close me...whhaaa...
haiz...well, anyway i juz have to treasure the times i'm spending with dennis even though i have many things at hand..i juz have to try to cook a good mushroom omelette for him..time is short n very soon, he will be exposed to more ladies n he will find what he really wants..
HaIz....hAiZ....i'm a little depressed, but watever....

nice..the first day for NDP public duty was pretty okay, though kinda nervous..hehe..the first NDP rehearsal was National Education show, where thousands of primary 5 students came to see the show. And okay la, my side had only 4 casualties - all minor burns due to the fireworks. Sigh..but the thing was that i can't do first aid there cos it was a bit too crowded and they had to be evacuated. Sad la...
Well, i met 2 tjc's people - Sam, and Rock climbing club's Timonthy (think he's call Timonthy).. anywa, dun know why, i was teased by derek, simon, halim n hansong of the 'wonderful' treatment given to my station by the SAF . Erm...i think the SAF personnel was just being nice lo...nothing's special..they just offered my team H-Two-O drinks while i think the other teams didn't get...well, anyway the show's pretty not too bad..this is my first time i have ever stood so close to watch the fireworks. The view was great!!! ^^
If i were to be given the chance to do public duty for National Day Parade, I really dun mind going. But i really wanna do n practise first aid..sigh..
kinda miss dennis....next week's worse..he has no duty n i have to teach tuition in the evening..most probably, i only can see him 2 times next week.. T_T

great..it's time..later i've to go for NDP public duty..well, kinda stressed, frankly speaking.. =p
it've been years i've not been doing public duty n this is a major one..boy, how stress i am! During these few years, i've spent too much time on coaching my juniors. Well, i hardly have the chance to go for public duty n well, i am hardly asked to go for duties..maybe i have to get them myself. But well, in order to do that, i need to socialise, which i dun really like to do that.. =p
kinda stressful, being an officer, i am assumed that i have a higher level of first aid knowledge than the cadets. sigh..really dislike this kind of stress, but well, i've to learn to deal with it....well, hopefully i can do much much better in red cross, cos i'm going in as a newbie. i dun really want the ppl in red cross to know that i'm from sj..haa..well, at least when i go for public duty in red cross in the future, i will feel more comfortable as an apprentice n a 'newbie', n later to be more confident n experienced in handling first aid cases.. =)
lately, i realise that my pronounication is going downhill n i have the tendency to repeat my sentences..aiyo..dun know what's wrong with me..well, anyway, i've decided to train myself on my pronounication n have to constantly remind myself to speak slower in better pronounication. Later, i have to build up my vocab, or else i will find difficulties in expressing myself verbally. i cannot afford myself to be at this state anymore. in order to be a better leader, i have to make sure that at least i can express my ideas to the rest clearly... =p
well, really hopefully everything will go on well later during NDP rehearsal..i dun wanna lose face..sigh..tat's what i dislike myself being an officer..
but well, i'm going to fight for public duty in red cross in the future..hahaa..
----------------- end of part 1 ----------------
something kinda strike my bad memories this afternoon during SAC's training. i was being reminded about the horrible reality of the great importance of academic results. well, i can understand why my cadets have a mentality of needing to have a good CCA results. well, that i cannot deny that there is a need, but well, there is a greater need to get good academic results. This is what i've learnt after my academic years in temasek junior college (tjc) - with good results, u can afford to choose the schools. But with poor results, ur freedom of choice will be stripped off n the schools will choose u. Good CCA results are not everything. I have gone through this stage. I have gone through the stage where i can afford to choose the school n i have gone through the stage where i have to choose something which i dislike to study n yet the school has to choose me...all i can say, it's devastating period to go through. i have to accept the reality that academic results are the most major requirement for entry into schools. i had to go to meet the admin officer for appeal into NUS..i had to see my mum who was almost in tears n was almost begging the admin officers in both local universities ( especially NUS) to accept me to enrol into the campus! n why are all these happening? this is cos of my poor 'A' level results! =(
whenever i remembered the period when i had to go through, I really dislike myself n the consequences of getting poor results..but well, currently, thankfully, my results are pretty not too bad..n my parents are really more relieved now.. =)
the more i think about this, the more i have the will to do well in school! So i wanna get first-class honours in environmental engineering!! but well, this also means that i cannot devote myself too much into sjab n red cross stuff..
well, why am i telling u all about my this past personal incident? hmm..basically, i wanna all my friends n my juniors to know that idealism has to be in same frequency as reality. yes, it is still important to be good in CCA, but most importantly, the academic results have to be 'there'...
well, this i have to remind myself constantly too... =p

dun bother me

okie..this blog for today is not going to be very pleasant..juz dun bother me..
sometimes, life's really dumb..in other words, it's stupid idiot..full of rules n regulations, full of responsibilities which you have to cut yourself into bits n pieces to cater to everyone's needs..life's full of stupidity - values often become the obligations of one; values often become the emotional n mental burdens of one..n why is everyone wanting to become that stupid one? why is everyone so willing to accept burdens n obligations? well, easy to answer - this is because everyone is stupidddd...!!! including me. HA!

Anyway this song is dedicated to the one n only one - stupid me.
Cheers to the life of stupidity!

" stupid idiot stupid idiot stupid idiot stupid idiot
stupid idiot stupid idiot stupid idiot stupid idiot
stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

sttttuuuupppppiiiidddddddd......!!!!"

Thank you for all your attention!
*nice song i've sung. HA!

okie, sorry if anyone dun understand what i'm singing..i kinda in a bad mood...anyway, pls pardon me if i've offended anyone..no offence..
still, stupid idiot life......

yeah...!! NDP ground familiarisation exercise has been cancelled..!!! i can go enjoy my day in sj carnival..!! ^_^ then i dun have to see the SRC ppl too..hehee..
well, dennis n i are back to normal. n guess what? after 2 yrs n 9 mths, i finally cooked something for him!! it's his favourite omelette - mushroom omelette! my first trial was terrible. I had adjusted the fuel power too great n my egg was almost roasted - almost inedible..haha..but well, my second trial was kinda a success. The egg was more well-cooked, but a bit over-cooked (tat's wat he said) n it was more edible-looking..hahaha..however, as i had added too much cream of mushroom sauce, the omelette burst a little n i was almost practically struggling with the 'fellow'. Tough guy siah...haha..n not only tat, as i could not find any decent container to contain the omelette, the display of the omelette looked 'inedible'..hhhaa..still, he likes it n i wanna make more wonderful mushroom omelette for him!! ^^