Self-reflection of the week

TADA! Japanese curry rice cooked by Master Chef AG!

A quick entry during my lunch now..

The past few days have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. Traumatised and paranoid. It's really bad. And I've been lazy to take my chinese medicine pills which can help my body to manage the deficiency in the balance in some parts of my body.

And I should not have thought too much, made too much theories/hypothesis. It is affecting my mood and may eventually in my life. And I may have accidentally hurt others' feeling with my careless thoughtless words. But I decide to keep these posts, to remind myself about how silly I used to be and the chaos in my mind while struggling to find order in chaos. It's a huge mental and intellectual struggle for me. 人言可贵，人言可危。

Thank God it's Friday.

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Went to Guan Yin Temple with AG last Sun. Went to seek Goddess for an answer through drawing the divination lot. It's a very good lot - and I just need to be patient and wait for the ripe time.

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Can't believe that my role as the lead is due to some small political reasons..well, i am the innocent and the ignorant one, and somehow was pulled into..and well i can feel somehow i was "puppetted" by 2 sides.

Kinda confirmed my hypothesis of human - greed. Greed for power, and misuses it.

I can't comment much, but I've seen how others can too excited and overwhelmed by the leadership appointed to and try to overshadow the main one.

Somehow it triggers me to understand what makes a good leader. I observe that to be a good and respected leader, he needs to be able to respect his members and his boss, recognises the credits to be of a team effort rather than giving self-credits, objective in executing his plans and not due to any personal selfish reasons. Self-reflection is important for a good leader so that he can keep reflecting what he has done and what mistakes he need to avoid and the areas he can improve upon himself. Calm and steady, decisive in the objectives and not be emotionally lead by selfish reasons. And proper leadership training and reading books on leadership and history can be very useful in nurturing excellent leadership qualities.

Well, kinda idealistic ah? But how many can fulfil that? Many are easily blinded and overwhelmed by the sudden power he can have. Probably maybe even for me, I may be blinded too or was once blinded?

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AG picked me up after lesson today..dun know why - i feel a lot better..

But still i need to continue exercising..seriously i need to slim down....

Exhausted, she faced herself at the mirror and the mirror image of her started to talk.

Mirror She: YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! THINKING THAT YOU HAVE FINALLY LEFT ME?! I'VE NEVER LEFT, AND YOU KNOW IT, THAT'S WHY YOU ARE BACK TO FACE ME AGAIN.

She: I don't know why I'm coming back...

Mirror She: COS YOU START TO BE SCARED! YOU START TO FEAR YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE LOSING SOMEONE DEAR TO YOU.

She: I don't know. I din mean to do that..I just want to be confident.

Mirror She:
CONFIDENT, MY ASS! LOOK AT YOURSELF!
YOU ARE FAT,
YOU NAG A LOT,
YOU MAKE SO MANY COMMENTS, THINKING HIGHLY OF YOURSELF,
YOU ARE PARANOID,
YOU RESTRICT AND
YOU ARE A CRYBABY!

LOOK AT YOURSELF, HOW CAN YOU COMPETE WITH THE OTHER GIRLS IN HIS WORKPLACE. YOU ARE NOT EVEN QUALIFIED TO STAND NEXT TO ANY OF THEM - THEY ARE SLIM AND PRETTY, HAVE BETTER DRESS SENSE, ACT MORE LIKE A NORMAL WOMAN.

AND LOOK AT YOURSELF! YOU ARE NOT LASTING AT ALL, AND YOU EXPECT HIM TO BE ATTRACTED TO YOU FOR A LONG TIME! FAT HOPE, YOU ABNORMAL LADY! THAT ONLY HAPPEN IN YOUR LA-LA LAND!

She: I... (Speechless)

Mirror She: LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR! HOW MISERABLE YOU LOOK!
YOU CAN'T EVEN FIGHT FOR YOURSELF! HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE!

SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT YOURSELF. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE WILL LIKE YOU FOR LONG? YOU DUN EVEN WEAR A DRESS!

She: I can't wear...I've fats disposed at the wrong part of my body..I've trying for years, exercising..but...the fats just couldn't go...

Mirror She: COS YOU ARE FATED TO BE SHAPED IN THIS WAY. YOU ARE FATED TO BE NOT ATTRACTED BY THE ONE YOU LOVE FOR LONG. COS THERE'RE ALWAYS GREENER PASTURE OUT THERE. AND YOU, WILL BE ONE PATHETIC LOOKING SHEEP.
PROBABLY YOU DON'T KNOW THIS - YOU ARE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND IN THE WORLD.

The mirror image vanished, leaving her with her real mirror image - heavily stabbed, randomly all over her heart.

She held back her tears. She decided to remain the vulnerable sheep. Before heading to bed and cry herself to sleep, she put on a new coat in hope that it will give her the strength to bravely and happily face a new day and everyone around her.

But she will never know - a sign "The Worst Girlfriend in the World" was pasted on her back.

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I don't know what's wrong with me - I'm tearing again with the thought of the dream. I know I need to handle this myself, cos if I continued to mention this dream and my depression to AG, I will only irritate him and make him to distance from me.

Had a nightmare last night and kinda affected my thoughts the whole day.. =(

It's the same kind of nightmare - AG dumping me for another girl who looks a lot better and slimmer than me. And in addition, this time in the dream he was pinpointing my negative points..It's the 3rd time I had such a dream..It's scary..especially at this period when I start to put on weight..many of my colleagues notice that and feedback to me.. (T___T)

I just feel very terrible of myself now..feel lousy about myself..unwanted fats have come invading to the different parts of my body. And I dun wear dress..i can't wear dress..i've no confidence to wear dresses...i feel fat at my legs...i feel fat at my belly..i feel fat at my arms!!!
Sigh...

Almost the whole day i was thinking very negatively about myself..keeping reprimanding myself..pinpointing myself all my negative points - i'm not slim..i've thick claves..i dun dare to wear dress..i'm naggy..i can't go overseas with AG...i can't talk well when interacting with his parents...i'm financially idiot...i feel i can't meet his expectations...

The whole day everytime when i think about it, i can feel myself on the verge of tears...i feel really nasty...

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AG cooked japanese curry rice for us on sunday..he's a good cook.. =) and he's a good soft drink mixer..ahhaa..

For all these months, he's been treating me well..been trying to give in to me...dun know why, it feels that i've known him for very long and feel very comfortable with him though it's only one yr and 5 months...

Had a nice dinner with AG on Friday, and we drank beer..and goodness me, how lousy i am..i only finished 3/4 of the beer and i started to feel hot and started jibble jabble "i'm very tired...i cannot drink liao.." blab blab blab...basically i'm talking nonsense..whahaha..i'm so lousy...

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I was asked to be the main lead actoress and singer for a musical organised by my department for an event and i accepted it.. Gosh, feeling excited yet nervous...excited cos it's been a long time since i acted and from the script i'm relatively confident that I can act pretty well..need to dance hip hop too, hmm..think should be able to pull it off cos i've learnt two types of dance though not hip hop..hahha..but need to sing in front of many people....arg....that i'm very very nervous....

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hhaa..attended a course for the past 3 days..and hahah..i can know more engineers and more about my behavioural profile in my workplace too!!

And hmm..i find it relatively surprising - I'm a CS person! C meaning compliant, correct while S meaning stable steady..

And a CS means a precisionist, perfectionist or traditional one. Here's the details...

Individuals who are Precisionists exhibit a precise, detailed, stable nature. They are systematic who tend to follow procedures in both personal and business life. They act in a highly tactful, diplomatic fashion and rarely antagonise their associates consciously, taking care to avoid conflict. Extremely conscientious, they painstakingly require accuracy in work and maintain high standards. Precisionists like a protected and secure environment with set rules and regulations, and dislike sudden changes, They like people but prefer having only a few close friends. Exactness is of the essence to Precisionists, and criticism (their greatest fear) is equated with failure. They can be counted on to carry out tasks correctly. They want exact facts and figures before they will make a decision and feel uneasy when forced to decide anything quickly. Predictability and security are the greatest goals for a Precisionist. This is true in all aspects of a Precisionist's life; the more stable the environment, the happier they are.

Precisionists in History:
Ludwig van Beethoven
Leonardo da Vinci

And can I believe my eyes!!! I'm in the same category as Leonardo da Vinci!! He's been my role model since sec sch!!! whahahaha..make me very proud of myself and happy for the past 3 days..hahaha..keep telling myself that i can succeed in life!

well..how true..i will have to say the DISC personalities system is 90% true of my behavourial profile in work. whahaa..!!

And there're also other 2 graphs which reflects my mask public self (behaviour expected by others) and my core private self (instinctive response to pressure).

From these 2 graphs, the coach explained to me and the rest that my first graph (my mask public self) indicates a contradicting me (being "I" influencing, inspiring and "C" compliant, correct at the same time) with a low "D" dominant, driver.

He explained that however when I'm faced with pressure, my "D" and "S" (stable, steady) heightens significantly, meaning I can handle pressure steadily and start to take the lead in a dominating way. Also he mentioned that I may have a suppressed "D" and indicated that my potential of being the leader to take that great leap is not revealed yet.

Make me even more determined of what I want to pursue in my career life.

Well, make a lot of wonderful friends during the course...met one engineer who is a perankan and he speaks cantonese and he loves one old-time HK singer!! I was very surprised when he mentioned his fav singer to me, cos i din know at my age, i do meet ppl with similar fav HK old-time singer..hahaha.. but he's very technical..whahaha..and for some reasons, i know he's from RI and i notice his height and gesture looks kinda similar to SE (my JC class chairman)...make me wonder whether it is under influence of the school... =p whhaha..anyway from all the conversations, he's one whom i think he reads a lot and have diverse knowledge..

and i met one scholar who is from HK too!!! whaha..actually i'm not supposed to label him, but he's one whom i respect very much. He doesn't like to be labelled as a scholar and he has relatively good leadership skills.

Love this course..!!

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My course ended today and before heading to my colleague's wedding dinner, went to my fav church to pray...

I feel i really need an answer from Him and need the strength and the determination..and also pray that He gives me the right person to be with for the rest of my life...There's so much uncertainty and insecurity i'm facing right now..

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Before the wedding dinner, attended the colleague's solemnisation which took place an hour before the dinner.

It was a very emotional and touching solemnisation..the chief justice is very humourous, making many jokes and also at the same time, in his humourous way, unintentionally make my colleague and us cry. The vows towards each other were another touching scene. Both of them were tearing away as they said their vows to each other.

For some reasons, i guess it is the pledge which makes everyone tear. i held back my tears - i dun like myself to be seen crying. Such clinche statements - to be with him/her in sickness, etc - every married couples recite yet nowadays, many fail to remember their promises to each other along the way...

Guess everyone in the room tears because all of us realise to maintain a blissful marriage takes two hands to clap constantly and also both having the optimism that they will live happily together.

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My colleague, Id, took pre-wedding photos of this colleague. Very great photos he's taken and the couple was really very spontaneous, especially the jumping shots. They are lovely!

To see these photots, you can go to http://www.idalyphotography.com/ to check out "Molly and Chieng Kiat' Pre Wedding". Great photos I will have to say.

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Hee..AG made this for me...initially i kinda guessed right that he was making a rose out of tissue when he was doing something secretive under the table..haha..but what surprised me was how well he folded it..hahha.. =D

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I love this video clip! Makes me happy..whahaha...!

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just some probably irrational and emotional rattering..

For the past few days have been very tiring for me..think 4 days a week is taking physical and mental toll..but this is only one difficulty level up..heard it will be 5 days a week in the future..

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Went to attend the inter-division games organised by the department..i din take part any..actually i wanna take part in badminton badly, but i think i am very lousy and there're ladies who play more regular and better than me...

but watching them play today really makes my hands itch ...i miss playing badminton...
jus
=(

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Dun know what's wrong with me..can feel myself tearing a little whenever i'm thinking about it..

think i'm kinda scared that such issue will happen the second time to me, and may eventually lead to something which i've to experience it again..

but well i just hope for the best and prepare for the worst. i dun want to have any pressure..i just need to be strong and keep telling myself that probably it's God's intention and plan for me..

but then for this one, i can really picture myself having a happy future..i can really feel happy whenever i think about it..

but oh well, i need to stay faith in God and just lets Him do the planning for me..

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AG just did something sweet... =) make me feel kinda touched and tear a little..i'm very lousy, rite? too emotional of me...

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Last Sunday's my first time doing a outdoor wedding shot. Think I am really brave..bought the camera for less than a month and then i'm into this..whaha...

but it's a very good experience..hahha..i love it even though it is very tiring...whahha..

oki, shall show you some photos in the future..need to do some editng to the photos first... =p

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For some reasons, i realise that the road to marriage is tough. It doesn't matter whether one is good-natured, has good personalities or appealing appearance. It is about timing, luck and fate.

First day of work. Tired....hahha..

Been telling myself that I cannot be late for work anymore, must be punctual to work. Tentatively i'm pretty happy..

work's still manageable but i believe it will start picking up soon...

my clinical attachment started on monday..now need to go back sch 4 times a week, attachment session once a week..gosh..but i like it..!

My first lesson of my 3rd year 2nd semester started yesterday. Microbiology..no exam!! yeah!! all we need to do is to do 2 reports of any research topic as long as it's related to microbiology and what's good is...he allows us to write the report in English!!! yeah..!! super happy...hahhaa...

Got a first photography assignment...kinda nervous although the lady is very nice..gosh...really hope i can take good photos for them...i'm very nervous.........

Tada!! AG cooked this lunch for both of us!! yum yum!!


hhaha...i plucked the asaparagus..hahaha..so not very nice-looking..hee...

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HAPPY 2010 TO YOU ALL!!!


haha..so fast! One year's gone!!


hmm..looking back at 2009...recalling all the most ridiculous/memorable incidents happened in 2009..


1) Cried badly in office.
One which immediately came across my mind. Reflecting upon why I cried was that i wanted to do a good job, a perfect job..i dun want to let my boss down..and i dun believe myself that i can't do well..i dun wanna admit defeat.


2) Bought my very first dslr using my own money!
Been thinking to get it over a year...haha..


3) First time being a liaison officer for a big company event.


4) AG and I took lovely walk at the reservoir together after dinner.


5) Teared on Chinese New Year period cos missed AG who was overseas during that time.


6) Breakfast and lunch sessions with AG.


7) Quarrelled with my parents. Cried over the phone and complained to AG.


8) AG cooked all the lovely dishes... =)


9) AG bought a big xmas gift for me after all my trials of rejections.


10) Bought a big birthday gift for AG.

11) AG got me the big complete biography of Leonardo da Vinci. I was so touched that i almost teared...

12) 2 sets of shopping vouchers for my birthday given by my colleagues and ZJ they all..

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OKi...back to 2010!!!

My 2010 resolution!!
1) Exercise to slim down!!

2) Continue to work hard and strive for my tcm studies!

3) New challenge!

4) Cook more dishes for AG. =)

5) Prime lens at the end of the year. hahahaha...!

6) Dress and carry out myself more confidently!

Been a great long weekend..spent great time with ZJ they all for christmas celebration and countdown!! and also went for voluntary work with them in YMCA, celebrating xmas with the kids with negative health condition..it feels extremely great to do voluntary work..i love the experience and it rekindles my life dream and my joy...especially when you get to do the voluntary work with great friends..

and of course i took a lot of photos...hahah..you all can go over my facebook to take a look..

During the evening party in YMCA, i got to speak to the mother of the girls whom i took care..it's really amazing how a mother's strength can be so strong with the will of a child or even her children..no matter how much a mother can feel alone in the struggle, she always has the willpower and endurance to ensure her child is always protected and loved. And she earns my respect when she can tell meabout how wonderful her kids are. From her narration, I realise the girls who I am taking care are very brilllant, even in their studies.

Getting to know about this family firms up my belief in God. He will always have the greatest gift for every child.

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Was watching a small segment of this reality show "Life Transformers 2". This episode hits me hard and rekindles what I really want to do long-term in my life. I am shocked that in Singapore, we still do have families which really need our help. Nevertheless, I will have to say they are afterall blessed to stay in Singapore, as they still receive financial assistance from the various schemes and a shelter to stay in. They can't even bear to spend a $2.50 to buy their favourite dish...it really hits me hard..i almost wanted to cry out...

It makes me reflect - we may have a wonderful opportunity and memories of doing overseas community service work. But what also needs our attention is the people who stay in the same island as us..the heartlanders..the neglected ones in our local society..

It keeps me strong in my determination that I will earn and save money and also to go on in my tcm studies. So that I, together with the like-minded people, can provide free medical and welfare services to these neglected ones.

I must always bear this in my mind.

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ZJ introduced me to this song "The Prayer" sung by Celine Dion and Josh Gorban. Love the way they sang it and the lyrics..

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Cooked vietnamese spring rolls! shall upload my photos up here! hee..and AG loves it!! hee..he commented,"not bad"...heee hee hee...i'm so happy...!!

AG's been a great bf to me..even though there are times when he kinda bullies me, he still treats me well... =)

Photos!!

Brought my new toy to attend my colleague's church wedding ceremony..he is also my NTU school mate, studying the same course as me..haha..

Still not good enough with the manual mode..still need to do simple mid-tone adjustment..din take a lot too..haha..but i love the camera.. =)

Saw this lady..she's the host of the ceremony..i've seen her before on tv..she used to be a travel host on tv channel u before..!!

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After the ceremony, rushed off to my salsa class..kinda boring today..

anyway, went over to AG's place..and started snapping at his pet turtle...and Paige...Paige is difficult to take a good snapshot..she will shy away from the camera...

Dun know why..i keep feeling the heartache...cos a big sum of money just flew out of my bank account..hahah

BUT i love the camera a lot!!!! it's lovely...!!! and it's positively challenging..!!!

Be bringing my beloved toy to attend my colleague's church wedding...! Hopefully can get good photos!!

OKi, need to stop spending on unnecessary stuff....

The day has come....

And there immediately after work, I dashed down to the shop who offers me the lowest price which I've seeked...

and here i am..my very first dslr camera d90 with 18-200mm vrII len..costing in total of about 2.6 k..and this includes freebies like a lowepro camera bag, cleaning kit, lcd pad, one 8gb sd card..and also bought a filter lens in addition...

which means..off goes my swan lake...the body show...can't buy anymore clothes or bags...gonna save save and save...

BUT i still wanna go to the Chicago musical...and get a pair of shoes...

well, as mentioned by my colleague, Id, i'll enter into the dark side...meaning that there will be future when i wanna pursue better equipments, more gadgets, higher capacity of hard disk, etc..
hmm..i dun tink that i'll need a big capacity of hard disk..i will have the significant photos printed out..i am paranoid over keeping the photos in digital mode..juz feel there is sentimental value in the photo..

hee...have tried out...it's LOVELY..!!!!!!
after my laptop, this is my next big thing... =D

in fact, din tell my parents about it...but anyway they will know it sooner or later..haha..can't escape from them..hahhaa..well...i dun care.. =p

i'm so happy...!!!!!!! my first big toy!!!!

Meetup..and more meetups!!

My first salsa lesson last sat..found it quite amusing...cos we had the chance to dance with different partners, and i realised that different guys have different dancing genes..2 of them actually turned me so quickly that i was kinda surprised and gave a careless giggle..and there are some who dance like a log, very stiff...hahahahhahahaa...

but it can get quite awkward ..there is one guy who tried to make eye contact with me..it's very awkward and amusing...hahahha

followed tat, went to meet up with ZJ they all in tamp..hair cut! i finally had my haircut..i look neater now..haha..

watched "storm warriors II" and as what many have feedbacked to me, the show is bad..it's a great disappointment...

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met up LA for dinner..finally!! i've gotten back my cd from him!! hahah..

think it's been a very long time since i last saw him...i dun know what to ask him..ahhahaha...nevertheless, it's a good catch-up..

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I AM SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW..!!!!!

i can imagine myself walking into the shop..and can feel the strong emotion within me when i hold the camera..i can imagine telling myself that this is it. This gonna be one emotional moment of my life....

I am so so excited..!!!!!!!!!!

Back to work..boss's starting her 2-weeks leave..have completed my part in the project..yeah..finally take a good break during work..

met up with YS (the NTU clinque)...quite a number have changed jobs...gosh...make me re-think a few things..

met up with ZJ they all too..and be meeting them again tmr! =D

tmr's my first salsa lesson..a little nervous...

gosh..i can feel myself putting on weight... T____T

gonna get my camera soon...i'm so so nervous and excited...!!

My exams is finally over....! yeah...!!
and i've gotten results for 3 of my papers today. gosh, they are super efficient.

results are within my expectations. so nothing to be happy about.
all i wanna do now is to move on and concentrate on refining my theory.

was talking to my classmate who told me about the release of the results. talking about that the exams are not indicative of our future, nor reflective of our skills even in the future. and he told me that he has high hope for me, think mainly cos i am still young, have many years to go and gather many medical experiences. hee..think tat's true enough.

oh well. exams is over. one month of holiday! friends gathering!!! hahha..have promised DLY that i will make the gathering arrangement..hee..oki, DLY, i still remember this deal..hahahhaha..

starting to look out for a new phone and my camera...gosh...need to spend so much..... =(

Tomorrow's one last paper...been struggling with my health for the past few days..
Been feeling sick..running nose, now accompanied by cough...

sigh..gonna go back office on wednesday, need to clear urgent emails and attend my proj presentation meeting. sigh.

i really need a good break after exams..have not taken any decent worry-free break since the start of the year...working non-stop, attending lessons here and there..june's not a good break cos of the stupid convention...SIGH. =(

Sigh. Thought i can do pretty satisfactorily for this paper..but out of my low confidence and high self-uncertainty and numerous self-doubt, i've lost 10 marks for the paper.

Sigh. Never mind. Just need to revise the stuff again. In preparation for my next semester's clinical attachment and the post-graduation license examination which will take place after my graduation.

Understand from my classmate's wife who graduated from the same school that the degree has no ranking of honours, i.e. no first-class, 2nd or 3rd class honours. A relief for this part, but then again, can't lose any chance to be lazy. What matters in the end is whether i will be skilled and confident enough to provide the best treatment to the patients.

Next semester - 3 nights of theory lessons and 2 nights additional for clinical attachments. Gosh. This implies 5 tcm nights and 5 working days, and hmm..1 to 2 family time and 1 to 2 days of AG time...
Need to plan my time even better. But I believe I can do it, I can plan it well, and I can manage the stress level. I may have been through the worst time and this i can handle it.

JIAYOU!!!!!

My "Einsteinous" Hypothesis

Had this relatively interesting encounter with a stray cat.

I was waiting for a lift when i spotted a completely black stray cat at the lift lobby. So out of fun, I meowed at it..well it meowed back and seemed to be following me whenever I went.

The lift opened. Before I stepped into it, the cat moved kinda cautiously into the lift..and somehow it seemed to be talking to me and i responded by meowing..anyway the cat went into the lift in the end and i wanted it to get out of the lift. So the whole conversation kicked off. With all the exchanges of meowing between both of us..Finally i meowed firmly at the cat, trying to tell it to get out of the lift. And it worked! haha..

I know it sounded ridiculous, me being in the public trying to converse with an animal. It does sound bizarre. But well, an "einsteinous" hypothesis forms in my mind.

Here's it. Cats are like women, or women are like cats. Can be mysterious and many times hard to catch. So probably to talk some sense into a woman's head, the man needs to do the cat talk. Communicate with women in women's language.

Well, not sure how true is this hypothesis. But well, you can try it out. =p
Maybe it works.

Walk the talk, man.

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Kinda miss AG now..He had an early sleep and din manage to talk to me..feel a little lonely now..hahahah...ok, gonna go now..tomorrow's 2nd paper...

Finally...one paper down..this paper is still ok, easy to do cos this teacher gives super lots of hint...then again, i tried to refrain myself from all these hints and kept studying whatever can be squeezed into my little memory box..

had a stroll around the basar malam which is set up near the school..happily musing over this stall which auctions for many different decorative items..

so tired..3 more papers to go...my exams end on 1 dec and still need to go back office the next day..thought i can clear my that half-day time off on that date.. hmm..i need a good break after this exam..

had arranged a whole lot of post-exam activities for myself..dance class...cooking (this time must cook something for AG to try..hee..)...exercising...and..shopping for my dslr camera!!!

I'm getting it by end of this year..!!! ok, it will be d90, with 18-200mm lens..and probably one off-camera flash..and of course a bag...and a diy box to keep the camera and the len in good conditions..
and after that i can start playing around with the manual mode..!! need to consult my colleague, I. He teaches me a lot about all these technical stuff..

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ok, 3 more papers to go..sat's paper is gonna be the hardest..a lot to memorise and all those four-words phases..gosh....

Been studying intensively...but not for these 2 days, think my stamina has dropped..gosh..tue's the first paper! kinda nervous... =s

still need to go back office for a short while to have my performance appraisal signed...gosh gosh...gonna squeeze whatever info i can squeeze into my little mighty mind...

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AG's back from his trip!! yeah...i'm so happy to see him..!!!!! And he bought me a lot of souvenirs..haha..mainly t-shirts..haa...

and yup, have given him the birthday gift..it's a demonstrator fountain pen - Namiki Custom 823 Demonstrator. And phew...he loves it!!! =D when he got it, the first response from him was that he was speechless. haha..guess he din expect me to get quite an expensive gift for him..but well, i din get anything much for him last year..and for the one-yr anniversary..hahaa..so this can make it up.. =p whahhaa...

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Tada!! A little birthday cake for AG!

I kinda like this photo..hee..

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Been working non-stop for 12 hours today..din have any proper lunch or dinner..just kept finishing off the scraps and pieces of the project before i go for my leave tomorrow..

Thank goodness i've finished my work by 9pm..or else i will be in a completely dark office...

Din know that the office will automatically switch off the lights by 9.30pm..i was a little scared last night when i was packing up my stuff and the lights just went off like that. Thank goodness i have a little desk lamp which i bought..

Exams next week! ARG..!! so nerve-wrecking!!!!

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And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BUDDY..!!! =D

Was on APEC duty yesterday and met new colleagues..

one of them whom i have the chance to talk had a fantastic wife. He told me that his wife was born with one arm. What is amazing and inspiring is that the wife cooks, prepares the ingredients all by herself, without any assistance from anyone. She can even make swiss roll cakes, and scales the fish with just one arm!

I'm totally amazed and inspired by his wife. =)

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Went to Orchard today to get AG's birthday present. Met my SAC junior and wow, what a change. haha..she seems to me that she has become mature..haha..and a few distance away, i also met Jas and another of my colleague! hahah..goodness me..orchard is a small world.

managed to find a gift for AG..hope he'll like it... =s

had a good walk at kino..and bought myself a book to help me improve for my work.
went over to the list of books in the medicine section...
I can feel my heart crack whenever i walk past or even look through the books.

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Tada~! Master chef AG..!! hee..he did the cooking while i did the photography and the washing up. hee...yummy dish he made.. =D

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Met AG and his family for a dinner. It's an advanced birthday celebration for him. haha..ate in Lawry's ..the food there was wow.......very expensive..but the service and prime ribs are excellent. they even sang a birthday song for AG, and took photos! hee..can't wait to get the photo from them..

i still love black angus steakhouse over near the forum shopping mall. that's where AG brought me to eat for our first month's anniversary and i love the cosy atmosphere. no need to feel restricted..hee...

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yeah! bought an original soundtrack of "Forrest Gump" for myself!! =D yeah, i'm so happy..!!

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Today's marathon was cancelled cos of the stupid heavy downpour. but haha..get to go home early! hee...

apec duty tmr..hee..can rush my work, and do some studies there..haha..

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Can't wait on monday..hee.. =)

and gosh..so many wedding dinners to attend recently..one in nov, one in dec and another in jan next yr.

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was very happy today. Managed to find my ring. could not find it for the past few days, until today when i went back to the office which is based outside hq.

Sesame Street 40th anniversary this year!

woo!! it's one of my favourite tv shows..till now! it's very entertaining, cheerful and musical..haha..love the monsters too...and also the actors and actresses...gosh...it feels so nostalgic...!!!

love this song "sing a song"...woo!! love it love it love it!





"C is for Cookie"..!!

Just some mundane mumbles and grumbles.

On off-in lieu today..but the night before, i was suffering from insomnia..the stress i can feel from the project i'm managing..and the studies..

AG is leaving overseas this friday... ='( but hee..he'll back next monday! think i'll miss him ..... ='(
lucky thing i still have my studies to accompany me, and also the apec duty..

had a relatively good rest...went to meet AG for lunch near his workplace..and did my studies in smu while waiting for him to finish his work..and also reading the same book by rick warren..feel more relaxed and at ease after reading some chapters..it's like a book of calm..hha..reminded me of "black books" (good show).

i'm still having running nose..arg...going to have a marathon this friday!!! arg..need to recover asap..

work tomorrow..dread going work... :p

have signed up for partner salsa! yeah! will be starting on dec! wooh! so excited..! it's not about knowing guys there, which i'm totally not interested at all, but i can get to learn something new! anyway was glad to hear that they din bother to be concerned of whether i need to bring one along..haa..and they told me to wear open-toe high-heeled shoes..i've no idea why must be so particular about open-toe shoes (think like what AG said - so that the guys can step onto the ladies' toes - ouch!) ..anyway i just ignore that open-toe shoes..i'm pretty confident about myself dancing in high-heeled shoes since i can run with such shoes on.

watched "ugly betty" season 4..and gosh..i feel like i'm betty -fresh graduate and struggling a lot at work. but then again, she enjoyed her work while i dun.

Think it's the christmas mood..christmas is around the corner..(and of course, before this festival, AG's birthday comes first..hee..)

love the piano pieces played in "Love Actually". Watching this movie seems to be part of my christmas celebration. Watched it last year's christmas..and now again, i'm watching it. Love the plots, the stories, the humour and it's this movie which i start to like Hugh Grant. haha..he's a charismatic man.

anyway, enjoy these few pieces..great pieces..!






PM's love theme:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Or4ffMQkeI

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haa..and oh ya! this song "Blame it on the girls" by Mika and "Mercy" by Duffy. Great songs to dance, especially "mercy". largely attributed to the "so you think you can dance" season 5. haha..thinking about dance, i wanna go sign up for my long-desire salsa...! dun know whether should take ladies salsa or the partner salsa.. hee hee..

i wanna dance..i wanna dance! dancing cheers me up!

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school's getting tougher..one of my lecturers kept telling us that there is past history of a high percent of failure from part-time students who went to take the license exam after their graduation exam. partly cos these students are not fully focused.

but what can we part-time students do? work in the morning, sometime even work over-time..married ones will need to spend time for their families..and at the same time, trying to juggle the studies..

i am now starting to feel the mental and physical toll..somehow i just want to keep going on with the studies..yet i feel i'm not focused..there are many times when i wish i can just quit my job and go full-time into this. but this is too big of a sacrifice..my brothers have not started working yet and it's not as if i'm born out of a golden spoon.

i'm struggling in this studies, still many things which i'm not sure of, not confident of..yet i can feel myself enjoying and fighting to make a dream which i once lost dearly into reality. i really want to make this real. and i want to make it good. Not only good but excellent.

I can do it! Mantou can do it!

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a tough week ...off-in lieu on monday and my boss was on leave for a week..trying to finish the first phase of the project, or at least my part in the project and then the rest to the prof to manage the rest. a tough week..and as usual, the friday was a tough one too. sigh, something cocked up again..argh! i really hate this... =(

be involved in the APEC thingy..on duty rooster on the sat..thought the day was not an important one..but well, attended a briefing yesterday and realised that noooo..important events are going to happen..argh...and i'm on night duty..gosh..just hope everything will go smoothly..

but realise myself that i like operational tasks. managerial role especially in project budget management is still a challenge and training ground for me.

life in the company seems to have a lot of changes happening around me..new engineers with better academic qualification than me start coming in..another engineer has left the company..

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studies are getting stressed up...especially the pathology assignment..!! gosh..was rushing it just now..could not finish... (T___T) all the chinese words for the medical terms...!!! all cramped up in one long paragraph.....ARGH..!!!

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Halloween D&D 2009!!

Haa..here's the photo..photoshop by my colleague, Id. He's in the photo - the werewolf with the shades on..He's an avid photography lover..teaches me a lot about photography..

Love the off-camera flash he used - i will sound like a total noob - anyway, really surprises me about the beauty of flash..it doesn't give a harsh brighness to the complexion, objects..it's just lovely..hhaa..i as a no-flash lover start to change my perception about camera flash.

haha..anyway can't believe my colleague gave me the nickname "The Latecomer"..hahaha..i believe many of you, especially ZJ they all, will applaud for the right nickname, as I always tend to be late, and "rarely" extremely late.. =p

hee..i've very understanding friends..hahahhaha...

i looked pretty hideous with that halloween make-up. Did the make-up myself..anyway din take a lot of group photos with them, cos i'm always away or quickly have gone to the toilet to remove that hideous make-up of mine..i looked so monstrous and hideous... yucks....

Think i wanna walk around Clarke Quay next year's Halloween, heard from my colleague,Id, that there were many people walking around in costumes e.g. he saw two strangers dressed respectively as US president Barack Obama and the terrorist Osama meet on the street and they exchanged friendly greets..haha..the thought of the scene was pretty funny..

Pretty cool..haa..should go with Zj they all next year if there's a chance.. hee..

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My colleague CT was convincing me to go for the family day taken place in sentosa..initially had talked everyone that i'm not going cos it's super near to the exam. But when CT told me that she was forming a team for the sandcastle building competition, my persistence was shaken.

haha..wanna build sandcastle and destroy it like a godzilla!!!! ROAR..!!! Think it's prety cool to do that kind of construction and destruction.. =D

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My company's Dinner and Dance yesterday..

a very huge pour of rain...and i was late for an hour...

dressed myself as a vietnamese girl, with half of my face scarred...well..thought it's halloween, supposed to dress scary..hahah.. =p

and my table was one of the three most well-dressed tables..and the whole table of colleagues were invited to the stage to compete with the other two for the best well-dressed..hhaa..my table lost, but we still had gotten prizes! In addition, my table also had gotten a lucky draw prize too!

anyway the dinner was a little boring..food's not very fabulous...and the music seems to suit the older generation... =p it was only until after the dinner, when we hit the dance floor..

it's my first time dancing on the floor, with all the loud music and laser lighting..and there were a few other colleagues from other departments who stayed on to drink..first time saw how people did that "grinding" and gosh...i was seriously not into it..and haha..one or two shock of how drinking and loud music can subconsciously evolve a person mentally..hahaha..

tink i can see myself being shocked if i were to hit any club...na..dun tink i wanna go..

dancing there got the tiredness and boredom of me and i was glad to reach home by 12.30am..haa...

quite an experience for a D&D event..dun tink i wanna go next year..wanna stay at home or attend my lecture to prepare for my upcoming exams..hee..

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Master chef AG cooked again today! =D

cooked this lovely dish - grilled asparagus wrapped with bacon and cheese chicken hotdog wrapped with bacon..have taken a few photos..hee..shall show you all the photos one day when there's a chance..

love the dish..yum yum.. =D

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A pretty bad day in office..

Missed a meeting in the morning...followed by a colleague from another section who initially rejected my request for assistance in the project..got so worried, stressed up and panicked that I could not control myself but to cry..went to toilet, hid myself in a cubicle and started crying out..been very stressed out by the project for the past few weeks..and was very disappointed with myself and yet i could not tell my boss..cos i dun want to disappoint her again, and in case she started to doubt my capability and not give any important responsibility to handle..

ended up my colleagues, CT and JN saw my very flashed face..and started prompting me..but ok la..at least after saying out, i felt better..

lucky thing, my colleague from that another section had helped me after i msged and begged him over the sms to help me with it...

now i know how my boss was trained to be thick-skinned...when she was a new engineer in the company, she used to be in that section...

sigh and phew...

So tired........ @_@

gosh...tomorrow still has clinical attachment..arg...i've not read through any yet..!!! arg...stress.... =p

glad to meet AG just now after my lesson..hee...felt more energetic than during the lesson..was so fatigue that i dozed off every now and then during the lesson..

now i'm feeling tired again..gonna go sleep soon...

get kinda worried for my 2nd bro..he's not doing well in his studies..and i dun have the time to coach him..and yet he's such low motivation and he is still very childish and naive in his thoughts,etc..still not aware of the importance of studies and qualifications in this world..still din fully understand the impact which can be made on him and onto his parents..i blame tat for his school environment..to me, it's all in your mind....no one can influence anyone, except himself.

work work work...monday's a relatively smooth work day for me, to my surprise. but dun know what's about tomorrow..a lot of things awaiting for me to complete before i can go for my exam leave...feel like taking one-day off next month, and have a good break...i feel very burnt out...

came across this singer Zee Avi over a radio station. she's very good jazzy voice for her age - same age as me..haha..

dun believe? hee..you may want to listen to this song "Just you and me"

Another lovely outing with AG after lessons with my 2 students..

A walk in ikea, artfriend, liang court, east coast park...and carpool..haha..kinda chases all my work frustration away... =)

it's nice feeling to have him around.. =)

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Work hasn't been going smooth for me again...starting to get bomb attacks from colleagues of another section..i feel pretty bad, but i need to force myself, be thick-skinned to approach them..it's like sending myself to a minefield, though i know it is..

oh well, wat to do...it's work..i really hope tomorrow'll be a good start... =s

sigh.

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woo! next week's last lessons with my 2 students! woo! can't wait..! can focus more on my studies! =D

A nice after-dinner walk with AG at the reservoir just now..he came over to meet me after my dinner with my family..hee..

what makes me amazing that he listens to my narration, though i wonder whether he can understand what i'm trying to describe (i'm not a good story-teller)..but well, it feel good that he seems to be listening and making some responses to it..hahaha..

the reservoir has transformed into a really welcoming and beautiful place to hang out there..now there's a floating platform where people can fish and hang out there..and over there i told AG about my self-reputation of labelling myself the fishing goddness of liberty..till now, i still feel proud of giving myself the title.. =p hahaha..

love the walk today.. it's a lovely and enjoyable walk.. =)

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Love this song by Michael Buble..! The mtv is very cute and the actoress looks sweet and pretty...hahaha..and it makes me have an idea on some venue for my future wedding shots - yes, supermarket! i love this kind of subtle romance brought into the reality..but anyway i'm not getting married soon..juz to avoid all you readers' imagination and anticipation..haa..



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And oh, one more song! Colbie Calliat's "Falling for You"..very funny mtv and love the lyrics..

Almost thought i'm going to die..

my boss din scold me...thank goodness.. phew....but she gave me a few guidance points on the project..basically she sees that I have weakness in the project co-ordination and management of colleagues from other sections..at least she's frank with me, in a positive and gentle way..so she din scold me, put the full blame on me...phew...

and first time she complimented about my strength..pretty touched although i kinda know that it's part of communication skills - praise first, then point out the weakness..hee..

upon self-reflection, my boss is frank with me, so i know which are the areas i need to strengthen and improve..

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had lunch with AG today..enjoy his company..but dun know why, felt a little distant today..dun know whether it was cos of the stuff which i saw and tried to clarify with him..it's just that i felt left in the dark and insecure...i could feel i'm trying hard to communicate with him but there seems to be a wall blocking me and a catapult on top of the wall which will try to hit me..

I really hope he'll clarify and communicate patiently with me...

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kinda worried for AG at the same time..he's not feeling well and i kinda fear a lot of stuff, especially when i'm studying pathology module and am aware of the causes to many illnesses...

i really hope he's willing to change his lifestyle habit, not for me but for the better of his health..

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Exams are around the corner..and i'm starting to get very stressed up again...

Sigh.

I think I'm dead meat.

Work's utterly horrible today. =(

in a terrible mood...

Arg..a lot of negative thoughts are hurling in my mind right now..

got a bit taken aback with what AG remarked his statement about marriage..i really hope it's not going to be like the previous one..but well, AG put the topic aside and not let the discussion to go on..so kinda left me in quite a "in the air"..

i dun know...now i'm feeling very insecure, and to a certain level, unassured...i no need any promise, but probably an assurance in the statement..

but right now, i just try to keep telling myself that i must leave the best moments and memories to the one who is willing to share and commit to the life with me, then i will give my full commitment to this one who really walks the rest of his life with me..

what's amusing was that a few days ago, an uni friend told me that i was a "wife material" (ah..dun vomit ah..) and told me not to doubt myself about it...but i dun know why...i keep feeling very lousy about myself right now...i keep asking myself right now, "if i were really a wife material, then why it seems that i tend to be stuck in such a situation?"

now i am really doubting myself.

I seriously doubt my potential in what I'm doing right now..after receiving the sms just now, i can't help but frowned and started my little cow tantrum. ended up tearing a little..cos i really dun wanna do this...i feel very forced/unmotivated and angry..

probably pissed off with myself..but also pissed with myself being sandwiched...probably it's my personalities or the environment which i am brought up..

There is this voice within me, which seems to be telling me this "hey, do something which you have seen yourself achieving something..", "get out of this - you are just biting your teeth through it..you are not enjoying what you are doing right now. That's not you".."you keep making mistakes..you are not naturally motivated..you are forcing yourself to be motivated.."

i dun know...i can feel myself seriously underperforming...i can feel myself very unmotivated..i can feel myself really bad at what i'm doing...this is a really horrible feeling cos it's pulling my self-esteem down...

on the other hand, i can picture myself enjoying teaching the sec sch students, marking papers, preparing homework, improving myself on the modules so that i can be better than the students..even if there will be many admin work for me to do and listening to the nagging of the principal or HOD...

i'm seriously very tired...i can feel myself being not myself at work..
but i'm really worried whether being a teacher will be a lower job status than being an engineer..i'm worried that AG's family will look down on me cos of the status switch..though i feel and know that the pay for teaching now is a lot better than the older times..

i'm paranoid.... =(

Work yesterday was not a smooth one..as a result, i was very distracted during the dinner with AG and his parents..

=(

sigh. sian.

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hhaa..been loving these 2 songs, especially whitney houston's "million dollar bill"..the song makes me dance..

speaking of dance..i wanna sign up for salsa dance in dec..dancing cheers me up..haa.. =p i tink i'm stopping the dance course which i've taken previously..tat dance is starting to cost me more money..





Whitney Houston's latest album is out! love these songs..all dedicated to God..

"I Look to You"


"I didn't know my own strength"

finally my 2nd round of clinical attachment is over! attached to this teacher can be challenging..hee..

been having good food these 2 days..!! yesterday and today! hee...i'm like a pig..and now i can feel myself already put on some weight..gonna jog tmr!

i'm so tired now....need time and energy to study... (T___T)

oh ya! my student passed his prelim O level A maths! haha ..quite happy for him cos he mentioned that the papers were pretty hard, and worried that he might not pass..

Seems that patience and not being panicky over short-term results work for me...but then again, it also depends on whether the student wants to help himself or not...

Watched this television movie "Coco Chanel"..only realise that this is totally different from "Coco before Chanel" movie..but i tink this one is better than "Coco before Chanel"..all the characters are better-looking..hahaa..

not that i love the brand..love this film..but that doesn't mean i like the brand.. =p


Love this photo the most..so sweet...haha...

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Din go for my lesson..i'm very tired and bored of attending Saturdays' module..but somehow i can't focus on my revision now...i dun know why.. =(

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yeah! good food tomorrow! can't wait! can't wait!! =D

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somehow work nowadays seems to be going less tough on me..think maybe cos that my boss seems to have given me more freedom to manage the project, though she wil still remind me of the few deadlines i need to meet..hee..but i'm happy with the level of freedom and control right now..at least i feel i can manage within my control..though there are inevitable times when i can't meet the deadline.. =p

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felt the earthquake tremour in my office on wednesday (tink it's a wed), when i was still working in office before going to gym for a quick jog..

somehow i'm not worried at all, about whether the building will collapse or not..somehow i have the confidence that our local civil engineers will do a good job into factoring a safe level of earthquake-resistivity into the building construction..

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i can't focus on my studies now!! how come?!!!

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kinda miss AG now...keep feeling that i've not spent enough time with him, but yet on another hand, i need time to study...but then again, i can't focus on my studies now.. (T____T)

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Seems that the whole department knows that i'm studying tcm now..an poly student intern was asking me about tcm and its course-related topics..

but i guess it may be good for everyone to know my part-time studies now..cos it will act as a positive pressure upon me that i must press on..

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read about the news on NUS-Duke graduate medical course recently...at that instant, and even now, i can feel the heartache within me that i din do well for my "A" levels to get myself into the medical school...and when i read about the sentence in the news saying that these intake have first class degree in their science-related course, i realise that there is no point trying to get into this school..they will not accept me, despite of the passion and persistence i have for this profession..

i know i still have tcm..but i still want to do more than knowing tcm..i wanna know both - western and chinese, so that i have the upper edge to help, to do what i want in the future..

however, this is just a pipe dream..so i can forget it..

i just focus on my tcm, study hard, so that i can help within my capabilities. Maybe in the future when i graduate well from this course, probably i can give a try to get into the school..

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Waiting for AG now to have lunch together near my morning office base later.. hee..happy to meet him for lunch though i've realised that i've put on weight (again! T___T ).

Love this short film.. It's one of the 2009 Cannes Lions winners.



haa..oki, jus nice, AG called.

oki, cya! =D

Went to bring my own family for my mum's birthday celebration on Monday to Black Angus Steakhouse restaurant..

as usual, food is always good..treated all of them a set of prime steak and the Wild West Onion..! all of us got really full and my parents were very pleased with the food served... hee..

then a family outing to walk around Ion Orchard..and i bought myself a blouse! so happy! hee..shall wear it to show AG ...whhaa...

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Tuesday was a good day.

My company's Vertical Challenge for the President's Challenge Charity, to climb up the 25-stories of our office building.

I was asked/pulled in by Jas and my boss to join in the women relay category to form a team of 4. And we were to compete against other relay teams from our sister agency and the big "brother".

And guess what?

haha..my team clinched champion!

initially we thought we can't get any as the host did not announce any of our team name for the 2nd and 1st runner-up titles. When we heard about the championship title, we got quite a big surprise and screamed...hahaa..

but then again, my boss and my another colleague who was my NTU ENE junior were very good runners, so hhee..i've to say one big credit is to them.. =p

hee..can't believe i have a championship trophy (each of us had a trophy each)..

so happy... =D

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Wednesday wasn't a very good one though dinner with AG was an enjoyable one.

Left my phone in AG's car. My personal and office laptops were both broken down on the same day.

Thank goodness, I've gotten my phone and both my laptops repaired today.
phew.

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Went to Johor with my colleagues for some excursion thingy a few weeks ago...my first time been to Johor, though my parents told me that I've been there when I was young..but well, that's not a very clear memory..

took some pictures, using AG's camera..had fun and also difficulty in playing with the manual mode..hee..make me more decisive in getting dslr camera..but dun think i've taken good photos with it..

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Met up with ZJ they all for a dessert treat! haha..a good treat by Jac, who finally gets what she's been waiting for pretty long time! CONGRATS! =D

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Din get to teach tuition in the morning, woke up and had to tell my student that I need to postpone to tomorrow's morning..

Think I seriously need to minus one student..or maybe minus to zero..can get really tiring and I wanna have more time to tone up my body...

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Been a busy day for me...

It's my first time to attend a wake - my big boss' mother had passed away and I followed my colleagues to attend it. First time when I saw my big boss in shorts and sandals..and i can't help looking at his toes to see if he has any clean toes.. =p i dun know why..think i'm so curious..

but the wake's atmosphere din seem to feel depressing..and i felt very heavy-hearted for the family..and i started to wonder what if my grandparents passed away one day..will i cry over spilled milk? will i be travelling back hk feeling horribly upset and return back sg feeling numb..?

my colleague drove past tjc on our way to the wake and back to the office..things seem to have changed a little from the external..students are still wearing that typical green tj uniform...and i saw the place when i used to have the wushu training there...how i cried a lot during those 2 yrs, due to stress..a lot of memories just came sweeping across my mind..

clinical attachment to a new teacher today..very very stressful..we were asked to point out the acupuncture points without her guidance and she kept calling me (cos I'm the group leader)..kept calling "组长" this.."组长" that..made me quite stressed up..hahaha..but at least this attachment motivated me to do my revision more intensively and thorough..

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i think i'm really breaking down..i haven't had much rest...

hello..pepps...i'm backk....hmm..ok la..jus quickly scribble things quickly..

been super super busy....but lucky thing, my solution to my little problem seems to work well..i'm managing relatively well..

new job scope for me..2 new engineers have come to my division..and i'm managing a larger manpower team..very challenging..

and the very first challenging task is already assigned to me..but i know once i get past this challenge, it's no big deal later...i really can't bear to make that decision if really need to...not for this person, really...

anyway hmmm...i dun know what else to say..

gonna work later...morning to afternoon..followed by a class dialogue session with the sch dean...

gosh...i'm breaking down sooon...somemore monday's 2nd round of clinical attachment..gosh gosh gosh...