One down, 6 more to go.

ONE down, finally..!!
Din have enough time to finish up. made a lot of careless mistakes, ended up spending some time, calculating the calculative mistakes.stupid..ended up losing one 12-marks question due to lack of time. i know how to do tat question.

sigh. so sad.

next coming up. my french theory paper on mon. followed up by tue's hydraulics. sigh.

very tired now. wanna rest soon.

Met my tat mad fren today. phew, my tat fren no longer mads at me le, me so happy. ha! =D

Din really talk to my mum over it. Find it no use talking. But definitely i find motivation to earn lotsa money. but then, most probably will start worryin about myself whether i will be blinded by materialistic stuff, and lose my own identity.

SIAN. (-_-) AGAIN !!!

ME SIAN AGAIN.

MY MUM STARTED CALLING MY HANDPHONE NON-STOP. AND SHE KEPT REAL CLOSE TO MY TRAVELLING TIME. WHAT THE LA..!!!

CAN'T SHE JUZ BE AWARE THAT WHATEVER SHE IS DOING SUCH THING, IS CREATING ONE LEVEL OF STRESS UP? WHEN I REACH HOME, I CAN'T FOCUS WELL. THAT'S MY STUDY TECHNIQUE AND HABIT. I NEED TO STUDY OUTSIDE !!! AND SHE NEEDS TO KEEP SO SUPER CLOSE TRACK OF ME. AND ALL SHE CAN DO NOW IS TO ADD UNNECESSARY STUPID STRESS ON ME !!!!

EVERY TIME, WHEN I THINK OF THIS, I GET VERY VERY EXHAUSTED AND JUZ DUN FEEL LIKE STUDYING !!!

EVERYTIME WHEN I THINK OF THIS, THE MORE I FEEL DETERMINED TO EARN LOTSA MONEY SO THAT I CAN OWN AN APPARTMENT FOR MYSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. SO THAT I DUN HAVE TO FEEL SO SO STUPID RESTRICTED.

ARG !!!! =(

SOMEHOW IT SEEMS TO DUE TO SUCH STUFF, I REALLY DETEST TO BE A PARENT IN THE FUTURE.

@%#^$%&*_)*($#%#@$#@#^&*)(*&(*^$#@$@#^^)*$#@!%^^)_*%$#%^&^#*)++><""#@#^^@@*(%$@@%*($##^)*!$^*)%@#%(^%$$*

hmpff. =(

I feel very angry and irritated.

tired..

tired.

but it seems to me that things turn outn slightly better...

Finally, one friend of mine is no that mad at me.

dun know recently, i have been like going around making ppl mad... (-_-) wat the...

Thank God, my that fren not tat mad at me. Think still mad, but not so mad as before..

Ok, put this aside first.

Good news.

My buddy is back..!!!!
HAaa..so happy to hear from him at last...!!!
HHAAA...

Been studying in airport for non-stop action pack. REal tired now.

Went youtube.com to watch a few cuts of "Helen the Baby Fox" movie. Super touching. Juz a few mini scenes, and i could feel myself wanting to tear. Sigh..too bad, can't watch over the cinema...

Hearing the "Helen the Baby Fox" music now, again.
If only i could have a chance to hear a real person playing this piece of music, right in front of me, n only for me, i believe i will cry till the whole place is flooded.
Of course, provided the person could play it well. Think this piece of music is not easy to play. Feelings need to be put into while playing it.
Anyway, right now, i only day-dream. haha

Still handling my life being single. Probably i've been attached for too long.

This thurs, my exams start.
Sigh.
Sian.
Heard that ENE competition is pretty tough, tougher than CEE.

WHYYYY...??? (T_T)

sigh. (-_-)

Sigh.

Why like this?

Sigh.

Terrible.

Praying hard that things'll turn out fine.

Please please... (T_T)

Sigh. (-_-)

NIce.. (",)

haha..nice nice nice...

First time saw Siberian Huskies with white fur..!! Both pups are only 3 months old, blue eyes, pure white fur and not only that, both are pure breed..!! OMG...!! o_O when i saw both of them, i was totally wholly electrified by them.. THEY ARE VERY VERY BEAUTIFUL..!! OMG...when the pups looked at me, i could feel myself being electrified and my heart melting away..

THEY ARE REALLY VERY BEAUTIFUL...they are so beautiful that i can't control myself but to ask the pet safari shop owner about their price. $2800..omg..so expensive..even more expensive than my Lala..according to the shop owner, the normal price for Siberian Husky with the common fur colour is about $2300, for the same age.

Sigh, too bad, i dun have the money now to buy them. Huskies with white fur are very rare.

Good, i have a target again.

I will get a Siberian Husky with white fur next time. I will work hard and earn lotsa of money. Of course, I will target to buy an apartment for myself first before getting a husky. NO choice, my parents dun really like pets to be kept at home. Also, they have been urging me to get myself an appartment. hahaa..yes, these are my targets now..!!

In fact, i have already thought of a name for my future husky le..n it's very nice name, suitable for husky..hahaha..

OK, this is only one happy thing.

NEXT...!!!

OK, next happy thing is that i've scored a A for my "Dogeaters" 1000-words assignment. I was utterly happily shocked..!!! I scored even higher than my "Dracula" assignment..!!! Not only this, i only took 3 hours to write this assignment with little research done.

WHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA....!!
Me so happy that i hopped towards my parents to tell them my good news..!! hahhahaa...

Real happy over the grade. BUt of course, i need to improve on my grammer, as what my tutor commented in the assignment:

"You present a nicely organized and insightful essay here. Nice work. Need to work on your grammar and clarity.
Grade: A"

hahahh..hmm..ya, this is what i need to improve on. But thanks goodness, she only marked upon my ideas and critics. =p

haha..me so so happy..

Can get to see such beautiful husky n get back such happy grade..!! me happy happy...

I've fallen in deep love with the white-fur, blue-eyed Siberian Husky..

OHHH..OH...please dun drag me out of this secret love...!!! NOoOOoo...

*crap*

tired but fun..

today's zj's birthday party..

Went her house early and played with dan dan n cookie.
Cookie has toned down real lots and become more obedient. Also, he looks more depressed. Dun know wny too..probably cos of the second entering of the second dog, dan dan.

dan dan is super hyper. jumped on me several times and some more kissed my lips out of the blue. Jus scarificed a kiss to a dog. omg..

But definitely i prefer cookie more..haha..

today's great party though zj doesn't have the time to entertain my click. haha..basically my thic click not very comfortable with crowds, so ended up in her sis's room playing scrabble and decorating her guestbook. think our decorations is the nicest among the rest..
hahaa

but a funny feeling often rises up within me today. it's as if zj is getting married and hm, jac, sindy n i are the bride-maids. Get to see zj dressed up nicely. Like her temporary perm even though her hair is not dyed. She dressed well today. hhaa..but the whole thing looks as if she's getting married. haha..

thinking about getting married, now i'm still wondering who among the five of us will get married first. At first, when i was attached, i would still think zj will get married first, then probably followed by me. But at that time, i still think i'll marry late cos i have to wait for him to settle his career first. but well, now, i din have to wait at all...sigh...anyway i din want to think about this whole stuff as i've already closing myself up le.. hhaa..still who will get married first? hmm..i'm still wondering..haha..but i believe on any of my fren's marriage, i'll think of someone, and could only heave a big sigh. hahahaa..

Still enjoyed the last part of the party when everyone has left, except hm, jac, sindy, me and dly. chatting and eating together around a table...feel so relaxed today le..
at that moment, i could know myself forgetting all about my exams..haha..too bad, cos it's ard the exam period, if not, i will badly want to stay overnight in zj's place...and chit-chat with all of them the whole night long....

Wonder when can have such chance...haha..still feel zj this patch of frens are still the most comfortable group of ppl whom i can be with,.. (^^)

anyway read about next yr's my chinese horoscope..doesn't sound like a good yr to me, in terms of work, love life..
sigh..especially my love life, read it might get complicated...sigh..probably it's meant that i have to break up afterall..n i've decided to close myself up, regarding relationship. cos i know right now, no matter which guy whom i talk to now, i'll have this natural tendency to compare.

arg..sian...i realised i'll still tear a bit when i remembered some stuff related to him. whenever i wait at tamp bus station, will still recall he'll wait for the bus with me, even though he'll not take initiative to hold my hands or anything...n i believe no matter when i do any presentation, i'll remember him as a good presenter and acts as a form of inspiration for me to do well in presentations..but it's in the past le...no point brooding over it, right?

Someone did like me alot but my feelings for him is not strong as he is for me. Besides, i juz want to close myself out to any guy. Will still interact with them la, but maybe the issue of getting a second rs is no longer my priority le..

anyway still, i enjoyed zj's birthday party..!!! (^^)

All tests cleared.

Cleared. All tests cleared. Now left the examinations.

Had a big rest after my french oral test.

Till now, i'm still taking a break.

haa..

Recently my mum is not tat marking me. Get to study outside. FInally..
hahaa

Got a new study place recently. Me quite happy, cos recently my fav place mac has been quite reluctant to letting students study there. I could understand why la. Although they allow us to study there during the weekdays, I could still feel the restrictions. haa..

Recently, my mum has been uptight with the guy friends whom i know. Worry this, worry that...AIYO...i din even think of anything and she keeps evaluating whether this guy has any intention or watever crap. (-_-) AIYOooooOO..lucky thing, i din tell her all the guy friends whom i know. phew.

Basically, right now, all i want to do is to focus on my studies and my interests.

Getting into another relationship?

Na, forget it. I am very very tired.

Been putting almost all my efforts into the first one. I am totally exhausted. Even if I were to get into a 2nd one at this time, it will be definitely half-half, or maybe even less than that. I am really totally exhausted.

Somemore my mum keeps evaluating about guys. Keep telling me to get guys who have the same or higher academic level than me so that i'll not have a tougt marriage life or watever crap stuff...she's making me feel that i need to be materialistic.. (-_-) sian. i know i have to realistic but i dun want to be so materialistic.

Also, she tells me not to read so many literature novels, claim they are not healthy for me. Asks me to read more newspapers. Says I'm too sentimental, probably due to my exposure to few literary texts. o_O i dislike reading newspapers la..!! So boring and dull la..

And recently, all the literature texts which i read and study contain many dark themes. The first text which i come into contact with dark themes is "I am the King of the Castle". Did study Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" but that theme is not dark enough. The darker themes are basically found more in my 2 current texts - Bram Stoker's "Dracula" and Jessica Hagedorn's "Dogeaters". The movie for Dracula is totally sexual and first time when i saw such movie. haa..not suitable for couples to watch together, cos the guy will definitely do wrong things after watching it. haha..then again, i scored a good A- for tat Dracula assignment.

Think i'll not do well for my "Dogeaters" assignment. The book is still abit cheem for me to understand totally. But i dun really like the language used in this book. Always "f" here and "f" there. I know it has a strong theme of sexuality. It just sounds so vulgar, but then again, that word does create a strong emphasis on that theme. Still like this book, cos it's a very different style as the old english literature texts, which is plotted chronologically and systematically.

Reading such texts do influence my way of thinking and allows me to be more open-minded. Think many times, my open-mindedness seems to bewilder my parents, especially my mum. Probably cos of this, she doesn't really prefer me reading more literary texts. And they want me to read more on philosophy. o_O ah..reading that is even worse la..!! cos not only i'll be more rational, but i'll be more sentimental la..probably even more paranoid..!!

Anyway, basically I am very exhausted about BGR. Very very tired. Have put too much efforts into the first one le. The reasons of me initiating the break-up are not many people who can comprehend and accept. Probably cos i din write out about it in here. And i do not wish to write out here. See no point in doing it anymore.

Think this break-up has been a shock to many friends, further more the initiator is me. hhaa..sigh..never mind, i dun feel like talking about this now. No point talking over it anymore.

sian day..

very sian today..

Din do very well for the hydraulics test.
din manage to prove the first question which all my frens can do it.
Got my 2nd question's water profile wrong..it's M2, not M1.

sian. (-_-)

sigh. Ended up myself getting depressed the whole day. went to eat mac meal for lunch. played games when i reached home. and cried for a while when i reached home. been putting a lot of pressures on myself..sigh..

think i should not mind so much about others' academic progress.

but the more i study engineering, the more i detest it. keep disliking why i ended up myself studying engineering. a course which i detest it very much since secondary sch. been always wanting to be in the medical line. but then look at where i land up myself.

engineering.

but of course, one good thing in ntu is that i can still get to study english and american literature and of course french. if i can't get to study all this humanities-related subjects, think i'm going crazy le..

tomorrow still need to be a tour guide to my sch alumni. feel stupid doing it. cos need to travel so long..
sian..

SIAN..

anyway me be coming from vietnam on the 2nd dec. Dun know whether it'll be fun. but definitely it's something which i've been always wanting to do. be going to hanoi and ha tay. even heard from the organising committee that will get to stay in run-down classrooms etc and there is not much water..

tat's wat i like. can get to experience tough life for a period of time. basically, will be educating the students in hanoi and ha tay about first aid awareness, health care, oral care, computer skills, HIV, and blood donations. Heard thhat also be visiting agent orange victims. sounds cool to me. and definitely it's going to be a great experience of learning to take care of myself. Also, i get to have some leadership opportunities and i'm pretty excited over it.

funny thing, i'm excited over such stuff, and never get excited over engineering stuff. i'm super tired now..

can i not study?

very sian leh..

Letter | Sick

To: Atticus Darcy

Thanks for helping me with the assignment.

Though you did not help me a lot in the assignment, your few words carried weight and inspiration to my writing at that moment.

Afterall i am a woman, a woman who knows little about justice, pride and prejudice.

But i will pray that you will do well in your regime.


Signing off,
Elizabeth Bennet Proctor.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sick for the whole day.

Sneezed the whole day..arg... (-_-)

lucky thing, my mum made some ginger drinks for me. Dun really like drinking it much cos it has a very strong smell of 'cong1' (dun know its name in english). But still, i drank it cos it'll be good for health. ha..

afternoon, nose is running a marathon. Now, it's running 2.4 km. Much better le.

Think i prefer talking to myself, as in writing blog. Start dislike opening my mouth and talking to people. Dun wan will have such a habit now. think my mouth is very tired too, and needs to take a break. HA..!!

Will be going overseas to vietnam on the 14th dec, instead of 6th dec. Wonder how the whole thing will be like. Going there wif a group of NTU ppl, instead of with my family. Think it'll be a great experience for me. I believe i will learn alot...haa...

Now my fingers are tired too.
I am a silent lamb.
A silent crab.

This is my life.
My life of silence.

hmm,

Finally i've something good about my tests.

Gotten an A- for my english literature Bram Stoker's "Dracula" 1000-words assignment. YEAH..!! Finally, i've a good grade for one of my tests..!! Finally..!! Enfin..!! haa..

I was real happy when i got back the grade yesterday. A- is the highest grade of all the rest and i'm one of the few who scored an A- for it. haa..i din really expect it, only expecting to get a B, due to my poor command of english and grammical mistakes. haa..but i believe i'm graded well for my ideas and critics. still, glad that my this american tutor is open-minded. hhaa..

Still, i'll get worried for its exam papers. Still remembered when i took another literature-related module during one semester, i also got an A- for my assignment but ended up getting a B for overall, due to the exams paper which i think i dun fare very well. Scare that this time, i'll get the same grade again for my this module. =x

What a pity, my this module is juz a prescribed elective. SiAN.

(-_-)

haa..also, gotten my new laptop today..!! my acer's travelmate 3010..!! With the weight of 1.5 kg and a screen sized 12", i simply love it. Besides that, it only costs 2,149 bucks, with intel dual core, 1 Gb DDR2, DVD-super multi double layer..etc..think it's quite a good specs for my usage. haa..anyway use my own money to pay for this laptop. I have the finance to support it, so i dun wan my parents to pay for me. They have paid a great deal for my education, especially my university fees.

Alors, il s'appelle Lala...

Haa..crap...

(-_-) SIAN | NAIS (-_-)

SIAN AHH...

Gotten back alot of my semester's first tests..

Din do well at all. Flunked one and the rest are all passing grades.

SIAN. (-_-)

This semester's subjects are getting harder and I am starting to lose all my studious morale..sometimes, or in fact many times, i juz dislike going to sch to study things which i dun like. engineering. till now, i dislike this course. but wat to do? i must get at least an degree in order to survive in the society. u may think academic results are not everything. True. But this is merely an optimistic way of thinking. I've learnt it in a hard way.

The competition in ENE is getting tougher. Almost everyone is scoring well for their tests la..!! sigh..

SIAN. (-__-)

Recently, me so stressed up that i eat more frequent than before. Me so stressed up that i can't sleep in my bedroom last night. Ended up sleeping on the sofa in the living room. 4 and 1/2 hr of sleep.

SIAN. (-___-)

REminded myself that i used to sleep like this when i was in junior college. Too stressed up.

In fact, this semester, i've not been involving in many activities. But then, i've no idea why i still can't catch. I do my tutorials more regularly for this semester, attended a bit more lecture for this semester, yet i can't catch up with the rest. Sigh...

Now in school, writing this "sian"ly blog of mine. Just finished my hydraulics tutorial and still dun understand the concepts for the stupid hydraulics jump..this friday's the test le...

SIAN. (-____-)

Later in the evening, i still have to attend a meeting for my sch's vietnam mission. This sat, i still need to help out by being a tour guide to my sch alumni juz cos they are the main sponser for this mission trip.
I dun feel like going for the tour guide thingy lei..but then, if i dun go and help out, i feel i'm not involving actively in this project, as what i've promised during the interview. (by the way, the interview for me was very short, takes only about 5 to 10 mins. Others took so long and yet mine took so short. SIAn.) Anyway, how? should i not go for the tour guide thingy?

SIAN. (-_____-)

OKie, my face is getting longer now.
Shall stop here before my face grows even longer.


(-__________________________________________________-)

Okay, tis too long...

teSTs , tEstS...

A lot of tests this week.

30th octobre - French Theory

1st novembre - Geo-environmental

03/11 - Hydraulics

This is only within this week.

I still have a test on Solid Waste, which i've no idea when.

I still have another 1000-words assignment for my english literature.
And i believe this assignment is going to be harder than Bram Stoker's "Dracula".
The book I'm currently studying is "Dogeaters" and o_O this book, c'est difficile.

T_T

I wanna cry la..!!!

Not enough time to study la...!!! Been studying non-stop..almost 8 to 9 hrs of studying per day.

Cooolll..

Further more, I'm been marked by my mum now, and i can't go unnecessarily to my favourite study place to study..

SIAN..

je suis fatiguée...

25th.

It's 25th.

Been feeling a little moody for almost the whole day.

25th.

Sigh.

25th.
Finally I went to order the laptop which i wanted to buy badly.
Acer TM320X. A 12 inches screen with only 15kg of weight. Integrated 1.3 megapixels camera. Nice. I love it. Small screen but i'm fine with it. As long as it's ultra-portable. =D

25th.
Saw my vietnam good pal, Anh. Finally get to see him liao..!! But he told me that i look thinner and more pale.
Something striked me when he said, "Where is the old Man Sze who is always jumping around?"
Sigh. I have no idea, Anh.

25th.
My mum has agreed to let me go for the Vietnam mission organised by NTU..!! yeah..!! (^^) so happy..!! Going overseas for voluntary mission has always been one of my dreams..!! Also, only 20 students are selected to be part of the expedition team and i am really happy that I am selected..!!

25th.
I miss 25th.
Used to do something. Something which I used to never get tired of doing it. But of course, many times when i've been busy, i've no time to do. But sometimes, juz feel this stuff which i do is not often being appreciated. Then again, no longer doing it anymore.

25th.
Think it's only me who will still have nostaglic feeling towards 25th...

(-_-) , ; ' "

many things happened within these few days.

Too many things.

After the break up.

Too many things which i have no idea where to start and how to start.


// A Price to Pay //

I'm starting to believe more in retributions and doing more good deeds.

I lost something but I'm glad I've not lost everything.

Doing more good deeds are important.

Cultivating oneself to be a person who has the minimum thoughts of greed and evilness is even more important.

Not easy to do. But it takes a lot of time and courage.


// Suicide //

Like many people say, you will never know how it really feels until you are really in the situation.

I finally realised how it feels like when one intends to commit suicide.

Be it sinking into depression.
Be it cutting oneself's wrist with a sharp pen-knife.
Be it going berserk.
Be it going to jump down from the high-stories flat.

Many of you will think that it's cos of this person's weak mental self-control and perservance.
But this mindset is wrong.

The person is not mentally or emotionally weak.
He or she is only been pushed to the edge of the cliff of life, by the constant inflow of negative circumstances.
Every negative circumstance, every threshold the person needs to hold to.
At early stage, he or she can still remain optimistic. But as such negativity piles up consistently, within a span of time, the more the person has to carry this constant piling up of threshold.
Talking to other people no longer helps to relieve the stress and depression.

Especially for those who do not open up easily to others.

It's very hard to describe to all of you how it really feels like in the process of developing the idea of suicide and implementing it.

But now, I can really feel how one of my last year's NCOC cadet has been going through in his life. I believe that at that time, he went berserk was not because he faked it. But it's because he no longer can hold the anger within himself. He did not show his berserk behaviour to his parents, most probably cos he still respects and loves his parents and had contained his anger. So when there's a source of venting anger, he will grab the opportunity. Scary for a 14yr old teen. But I feel I could understand how he feels.

To be always obeying to parents' instructions and guidance, regardless of its nature.
To be not able to do what you really want.

Trapped.
Completely trapped.

At that time, I could feel, very strongly, and till now, that being in an uniformed group is not what he actually wants. He may tell his parents how much he loves being in it. But I believe he's saying just to please his parents.

Still remembered that incident very vividly. He was afterall under my care and leadership and I see the need and responsibility to cater to their welfare. He went berserk and I was totally traumatised, even till now. I could feel his hidden anger and unhappiness. From the pictures which he uploaded in his friendster, I could feel very strongly that he is a sad and disturbed child.

And it is though this incident, i've seen the ugly side of parenting. And i often detest the idea of parenting. A parent may think what he or she has planned for the child is meant goodness, but every man is different. everyone grows up differently.

Through this incident, I've often questioned myself about the meaning of uniformed group, the meaning of instilling discipline.

Till now, I still do think of this cadet. Still wondering how he has been. I hope he is as strong as me...

Basically, the feeling of developing and implementing the idea of commiting suicide is mixed and disturbed.


// Growing Up //

After this whole incident, I feel I have grown up.

It may not be over yet.

But at least now, I could feel i've grown up.
A person who is more matured.

But a person who will be less happier.

Letter

// A letter to Atticus Darcy //

A man of honour.

A man of pride.

A man whom j'aime.

Adapted:
"From the very beginning, from the very first moment that I met you, your manners showed me your charisma, leadership and your unleashed confidence to the feelings of others. On this basis was built, by later events, an im-movable fondness. After I had known you, I felt that you were the first man in the world whom I could ever be persuaded to marry."

A man of honour.

A man of pride.

A man whom j'aime.
Forever.

But give me some time.


Loves,
Elizabeth Bennet Proctor.

(-__-) NIAP | PAIN (-__-)

// Mery Shallay's Frenkanstain //

pain.

Frankenstein told me.

The monster seems to be disappearing away from his life.

He told me he was sorry for the things which he has done to it.

He was swallowing hard.

So hard that there was no tears at all.

He knew he had hurt it deeply. So deep that nothing could heal.

Pain.

Dun ask me further.

That's all he told me.


// Fate //

Seems to be believing in more about fate.

Believe everyone who enters into your life has a story for u to write in the book of life.

Short, there are some.

Long, there are some.

Pain, there are some.

Bliss, there are some.

Somehow, i seem to believe in before-life and after-life.

Some people will be re-entering your life just to repay u in gratitude of things which u have done to them in the previous life.

You may be also entering this person's life to repay something.

Good or bad, each entrance has its meaning.

In your life, you may not be able to repay this person's goodness. But you may mish to repay in your next life.

Me? I wanna be a human again in my next life. Cos there's someone whom i wan repay to very much.

Dun ask me who. Just let me have this personal secret to myself.


// God //

Recently, i could feel that God seems to be trying to tell me something.

Some things which He is trying to ask me to re-think.

May inflict serious injuries.

Today, someone seems to start to step into my life again.
By coincidence, I met a fren.
By coincidence, when i was feeling terrible.

one may go and another steps in.

T_T when is this going to end?

God, please tell me.

This time, i really need Your guidance.

tink i'm going to undergo mild depression.

again.

i could feel myself wanting to cry. i could feel myself wanting to throw temper.

but of course, i din display all this. so no worries, people. =)

probably i dun wan to unnecessarily hurt my frens around me, so i've contained all to myself. i know any words which come out in a fit of anger will only hurt people, sometimes will even lose the relationship.

so i choose to keep to myself and write all my frustrations and saddness here.
tat's why very often, my friends, u will tend to read depressing blogs here. Please forgive me if my blogs have often depressed u too.

very often, of course, i will look out of my bedroom's windows, look out at the sky at night, and talk to Him.

Somehow i often find comfort and peace just by talking to Him. To some people, such Him may not exist. To me, He exists.

Probably mainly because He is always keeping quiet when i talk to Him. So quiet that i could pour everything out to Him. To me, He responds to my laments with a gentle cool breeze.

Because He is always keeping quiet when i lament to Him. I could feel very strongly that He is my only listening ear at this very moment.

May not at this very moment.

But forever.

He may not give me any advice. But because He just listens quietly and responds to my laments quietly, i find complete comfort and peace.

Sometimes, He will show me some hints of advice through His small yet subtle ways. i could feel wat He is trying to tell me at many ocassions.

------ **********-------------

Anyway dun worry about me. i'm feeling better now after writing this, after writing about Him. Feeling better when i'm listening to this particular music. It is a theme music from the japanese movie - "Helen the Baby Fox". Try going to its official website: http://www.helen-movie.jp

I love this piece of music. Sad but soothing. (",)

attended the IMF S2006's MOH appreciation reception..gotten a cert of appreciation..haa..nice nice..

The place was held in mount faber's safra..haa..the same restaurant where st john had held the sin-ma first aid competition. Somehow i still remembered that was the time when i first interacted with my good pal, and respected him. haa..tat was the time when i first interacted with ma'am polin and it gave me a real great deal of chill and cold sweat. haa..lucky thing, my this good pal was there and i dun feel so intimidated. phew..and that was the time when i was helping my zone to sell snacks for the competition. hmm...bring back lotsa memories...haa..

Recently, my mood has never been good, and i think i've thrown a bit of temper on my the one. sigh...dun know why too..but recently i realise myself not having much patience as i have before. Probably cos that i've overslept many times, resulting myself not able to attend my mornings' tutorials. And i was really pissed..pissed with myself. Also, spent about 20 bucks on one taxi journey to sch, juz because i woke up late AGAIn and had to rush for my french's theory test.

(-_-)

No more tuition work for me currently. all my students have finished their exams..kinda miss them though. Think this batch of students whom i've taught are easier to teach and they leave pretty good impressions on me.

One is from maris stella. Teach him higher chinese and he is always very cheeky. Always telling me jokes which i can't help myself but to laugh. Always telling me non-sensical stuff which i can't really stop him while teaching him.

The other two students are basically classmates. Both have totally extreme learning habits. One will keep a notebook and she is very hardworking. I only teach her for two months, and she's scoring well for her tests. But her basic is very unstable. Sometimes giving me high BP.
The other is very lazy but he has fast learning ability. Always scold him for not doing my homework and threatening him that i'll tell his mum about his laziness. But funny thing is, i never complain to his mum. haaa..He's also one cheeky fellow. Very often when i give him work to do, he will give me that kind of 'poor thing' look which i always tell him,"please dun give me that kind of look.i can't stand it."haa.. =p but he has his talent - still remembered that he has talent for computers. nice nice...

The last student of mine is a 'N' level student. She will do my work and I like her learning attitude. Also, she's very cute and bubbly, often cheering me up with her innocence. haa..but as a tutor, i've a responsibility, so many times i can't joke with her a lot. =( n oh ya, her mum offers me one whole crystal skin mooncake. guess what? there's one BIG chocolate in the middle of the mooncake. (^_^) wwwwoowowww....i love it..!!! haa..

Really miss these students. Wonder whether i can still teach them...

Miss my SAC girls too. Really wonder how are they. Especially one sec one girl. Can't remember her name but she's one cadet who starts to open up more after i've talked to her. She's one whom i really feel a sense of self-satisfaction.

sigh..i dun know lei..feeling a bit tired of many things now......

Empty

je ne sais pas.

I'm feeling empty.

Have no idea why I am feeling this way.

As i talked to God juz now, I could feel myself wanting to cry.

Sometimes really want to get a Siberian husky.

Big and furry and huggable.

Though it doesn't understand what i'm talking about, it will still be my good listening ear.

At least its hug will comfort n ease me.

Anyway, no worries about me, people...

To remove that emptiness, I will chiong my studies. Chiong everything i do. Till i tire myself at the end of the day.

Lord, give me the strength.

-------- (-_-) ----------

Want to play badminton badly, all of a sudden.

Want to do smacking..haa..

Smack all my emptiness and frustrations away.

Cool. =)

happening..

A lot of things happened within these few days.

--- STORY 1 ---

Monday -

French role play test.

Late for my french tutorial again. (-_-)

Well, lucky thing i paired up with one classmate whom i am more comfortable with.

Lucky thing, I've prepared the test. The topic came up within my expectation.

A conversation between u and a french student:

Me : Bonsoir!! Comment ça va? Je m'appelle Man Sze. Vous vous sappelez comment?

My fren: Bonsoir!! Je m'appelle (my fren's name). Vous habitez òu?

Me: J'habite à singapour. Je suis singapourienne. Quelle est votre nationalité?

My fren: Je suis française. Je suis étudiante en uigénieuring. Et vous?

Me: J'etudie assusi..! Quel age vous avez?

My fren: J'ai vingt-et-un ans. Et vous?

Me: J'ai aussi..!! Quelles langues vous parlez?

My fren: Je parle français et un peu anglais. Et vous?

Me: Je parle anglais, chinois et un pey français.

My fren: ohh...Vous avez petit ami?

Me: Oui, j'ai petit ami. Il est à singapour. Et vous?

My fren: Non, je suis célibataire.

(Bell rings...)

Me: â bientot !! Au revoir !!!

MY fren: Au revoir !!!

*so how's it? hahaa...*

--- STORY 2 ---

Wednesday -

It's solid waste project presentation. And my friend and I represented our group to present our topics of research.

Waste minimasation in offices.

Choice of research venue: NTU's Student Services Centre building.

The slides were done on Tuesday and I prepared my part of presentation only on Wednesday morning.

2 hours before the presentation.

Guess what?

I believe I did well.

The class was impressed. My group was impressed. Even my tutor was impressed. He clapped at one portion of my presentation. Think he was really impressed with some ways of reusing paper which i demonstrated to the class.

=)

I knew myself I was very nervous. I knew myself that I still stammered at some words. cos I could feel my hands shivering at one instant and that it has been some time since my last presentation.

But i believe I have done well this time.

Cos think I've impressed the class that ladies can do presentations well too. I believe I have shown the guys that ladies can display their confidence on stage too. =)

Also, during the selection of group members, i did not belong to any group at all cos i did not know anyone from there. Some said they had sufficient group members, and there was one group which consisted of all guys and i think they were not very willing to take me in. They probably think I am a girl and can't contribute much.

hhaa..anyway normally i present myself to be kinda slack..always late for tutorials and lectures..haa..

You don't want take me in?

Fine.

I'll show you that you under-estimate my ability.

I'll prove you guys wrong.

And yup, I believe I did prove the guys wrong.

I believe I did prove to the class that it's a pity of not taking this blur girl into their groups.

I believe I have done my group real proud. They were utterly happy. haha..

GIRLS RULES..!!! =D

*probably cos i've been with my the one for long. I think when i presented at one moment, i could feel i'm talking like him. I could feel i displayed the confidence as how he presents himself when he talks. But of course, i'm still not as good as him. Then again, as i present along the way, i feel i could sense his presence. Probably cos during the presentation i was wearing the ring which he gave to me. *

hhaaa..DLY going to have big-time goose-pimples again..!! haaa.. XD

--- STORY 3 ---

Sad one this time.

Frankenstein could feel the sudden emptiness within him.

At that instant. Probably for long.

The monster was once mean.
It changed to the better.
But it always seems that being nice only leads to inflicting injuries upon self.
It decides to return to its dark side.

Frankenstein feels empty.

At that instant.

Probably for a long long time.