met a few people today in sch..

weiming..n a guy from tjc n sjab...n ting kuang when i was on my way for tcm lessons.

haha..and guess what ting kuang (my jc classmate) said to me when he saw? hahaha..
he said my hair is very nice and long...! LOL...

first time heard such compliment from a guy..! (^^) but i hope he really means true..

n oh ya, got selected by huang shi fu to be the class representative for the school's student union.. a bit nervous.. =p

but the way he selected people for this position was kinda amusing to me. he scanned through our faces, and he noticed me. he asked me whether i was willing to take up this position. but before i could say anything, he already told my class chairperson to note down my name. and the way he told my chairperson was as if he's taken his choice for a puppy dog, or as if he wanna buy this veggie...

ahahha..

anyway, intro one mtv.. it's "记得" by zhang hui mei..it's an extended version..the lyrics are well-written, and very touching. i kinda cried while watching the whole mtv video..dun think i wanna sing for ktv, have this feeling i'll cry over the mike..partly cos i was once in a relationship before, so could understand the feelings of the lyrics..

here's it..!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljwMweaTd8o&mode=related&search=

i need to focus focus focus...

met dennis in the evening. i was pretty surprised..and hahaa..feeling nervous to have met him when i least expect. i ended up keep giggling away..cos i was very nervous at that time...!!!! but as for him, he was pretty cool and calm. not like me..almost totally speechless.

had a short chat with him (cos i was very nervous and almost speechless). he looked quite different, partly due to his hairstyle. He din have his hair, and i almost thought that he really has the same hairstyle like wang lihong (he used to tell me that he wanna have tat hairstyle). haha..but this time, i'm really convinced that he's really busy, so busy that he can't have time to cut. =p

but haha..DLY is again, feeling the awkwardness. hahaahah..which i dun understand why. hahhaa..

but (T_T) of all days...i met him when i wore my that nerdy black framed glasses. i hardly wear tat glasses since my school re-opens for a new semester. and ARGh...the last time when i met him by coincidence, it's also when i wore this pair, and was in shorts (tat's when i came back from my company's netball game). This time, when i am not at the best look, i meet him, again.

(T_T) i feel so ...... pai seh.

but then again, it's really nice and happy to meet him again. =)

though i feel i'm still not well-dressed. (with that nerdy specs of mine). (T_T) =p

i really hope everything'll go well and positive for me, including in the future...

a productive 3-hr tuition lesson with my student, followed by a gathering with zj they all..

it's been so long since i last met them..!!! n sindy seems to have lost a bit more weight again..! n definitely she is also starting to dress up to more feminine and mature..! =D

i think all of us are starting to dress in this way. but i am still not confident to wear dress or skirt yet..must work on my lower body more...and oh ya, just realise i need to work on my arms as well...probably it's been a super long time since i've toned my arms.. (T_T) long time din do push up le.. (T_T)

sian...so many areas to improve...

but one thing for sure, i realise i love to wear high-heeled shoes..hahaha..first, make me feel taller..2nd, makes my legs look longer...3rd, allows me to walk confidently and keep my back upright..and also, makes me look more feminine even if i wear jeans to match with them.

hahaa..

and oh ya, put on some simple make up today..feel a little weird..but it's so simple that zj they all din really notice that i put make up on..hahahahaha...cos i scare people will look at me while walking along the streets..

went Thai Express to have dinner with them. the meal was great, and it's really a catching up session with them..long time din talk to them..n hahaha..they started to ask me stuff about tcm...arg..me feel so stressed up..cos there are many things which i've not learnt and been taught yet..how can i be Da Chang Jin..?! hahahaha... =p

after dinner, visited Gloria Jean's Cafe. managed to grab sofa seats, and it's really relaxing to juz sit there and slack....

will upload photos next time over here..hahaha..

=========================================

read through the notes for my General Elective - "Mind over Stress".

Realise that all along, i've been experiencing a lot of signs and symptoms which have been stated in the notes. all the negative thinking, social phobia, depression (mild one,i think)...

trying to keep myself as optimistic as possible. and of course, stay focused..!

I'm in the making of Da Chang Jin.

but

where's my Ming Da Ren??!!!!

WHAHAHAHAHHA.. so crappy la... =p

ok, enough of my craps.

gonna go prepare my Integrated Design stuff, for tmr's meeting.. =p

Woke up in the morning, feeling very terrible..probably i think too much le. i've been very pessimistic (arg..forgotten how to spell this word).

seriously, i think i've thought too much. as a result, very often, i feel i make a lot of mistakes throughout.

i feel it's time for me to stop thinking negatively. i dun wan any of my friendship to deteriorate, juz cos of me saying and thinking of negativity.

Just tell mansze if she started to think too much.

Cos she treasures the relationships with her friends, especially with dennis. She still hopes to be able to talk with him anything under the sun, regardless of being happy or sad. Tat's what the best of friends are for, rite?

Ok, gonna go..! need to go teach le..!

jiayou jiayou mansze..!

went to turf city to have dinner..!

hahha..Lobster..!!! yum yum...i love it lotsa..will show u all the photos which i took there..
hahaha

FYP meeting with the rest of my classmates who are also workin under the same prof as me..get to know a few pubs...hahha..

Here's one of my favourites:
http://www.equinoxcomplex.com/cityspace/index.html
heard it's a jazz pub..n i love jazz..!!
and it's pretty quiet, and not as crowded as Oosh in Dempsey Rd.
Which i am very glad that City Space is so near and convenient to get there...
hahaa..
but the attire is smart casual...hMmm..most highly likely will wanna go there when i start working..
a good place to have quiet time..

haha..

but hmm...now i'm trying to start accepting the reality (though i'm not 100% confirmed about my thoughts). but from my own perspective, i feel i have to wake up from hopes. about what? i think right now, only DLY they all probably know what is the reality i'm referring to.

Yup, i just have to stay focused now..! too many things are waiting for me to fulfil and improve.

and hahaa..I've gotten the full "Secret" OST album from S.O...!!! hahaha..and haha..,at the same time, by coincidence, gotten a disc on a Jap rock band "X-Japan" from him too..!! nice tracks..!! and hhaa..S.O. can really be a mtv director..! hahahhaa..but such discussion on mtv plots with him is definitely a good temporary removal from studies, and i dun feel tat stressed up..at least i feel i'm not talking crappy and lame stuff. =p

can't wait for holidays to come. i need to exercise.

ok, another plan to be completed by end of this year:
To exercise and tone up my body, especially my lower body. i wanna look good in office wear for next year's fyp presentation, as well as job interviews. =p
if my buddy can slim down significantly within his bmt months, why can't i,rite?
Ya, rite.

been very busy and tired.

been trying to doing some pyscho-ing onto myself. i dun know la...some bad feelings are coming up onto me again..bad feelings..so bad tat many times, i just have the urge to cry. but like all of u have been trying to drill things into my head - life goes on......

sigh...

i can't recall any happy things now...so can't blog any happy stuff now..

surface water quality and environmental hydraulics modules are starting to get harder and their tests are around the corner...my final year project is starting to have more tests to be done daily...Integrated Design starts to have many design planning, research, calculations and considerations...human anatomy knowledge is starting to pile up...

once again, i'm starting to question my own self-worth...and i start to do many self-reflections, but at many times i just couldn't get the answer.

and i am starting to become forgetful...but of all things, i can't make myself forget something which i wish to forget at times. strange, rite?

just all these are enough

i only know my life's like a mess with me trying to put them in order and calmness.

all cos of one decision which i have made, which seems to change my life completely different.

i'm starting to detest it, but i have to live with it, and bear with it.
it's a responsibilty which i have to carry for life.

What i can do now, is to improve myself to be more firm in saying "no" to certain things, and be more firm in what i actually want in a guy and in a relationship.

i dun want to make a second such mistake (to have my beliefs be shaken loosely by a third party).
Such mistake, such lesson, is too much to bear for the second time.

feeling sick of myself blogging all my moaning n complaints.

haa..

ok, try to blog more happier stuff.

starting to get irritated with myself complaining and complaining...

haa.. =p

been very tired these few days..

my mum's been feeding me with all sorts of chinese herbs...they work in the morning, but not at night. =p hahah..think the medicinal effect dies off at the end of the day..

and my research student commented that i've very bad mathematical brain..ARG..!! hahahaha...cos i've been taking real long time to calculate and figure out the numbers...hahaha..i can't believe it.. =p

starting to feel the stress level picking up...and Fatigue is getting a hold on me. suffered from acute headaches and all the crappy stuff...my tuition works've not been very smooth-going for me. been so tired in the day, that i had to end my first tuition session an hour earlier...and at the later session of another tuition, i actually lost the ability to think properly and mathematically. it's really bad, and they are going to have their prelims soon...and i can't teach them efficiently.

sigh..sian.

but well, since i've chosen to walk the path in this way, i just have to press on. at least it gets my mind off from being reminded of certain stuff. shan't not mentioned here what they are.

lucky thing, going to meet up with zj they all soon. feeling really excited to meet them.. =D

ok, shall try to end a happy note for today's post.

today's Sindy's birthday..!!! XD
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, SINDY...!!!!! =)

Hee..

had a terrible nightmare last night. cried myself to wake up in the morning, ended up almost half of my day to be very emotionally tolerating..
probably this nightmare's just a preliminary practice for me to handle with any foreseen future. i hate that feeling.
i hate the feeling whenever unhappy predictions i have made and they have seemed to come true most of the time..
probably it's the human nature which i have often predicted correctly most of the time.
and i really dislike this kind of "i could feel the omen" feeling....

anyway tried to get myself back to focus to studies the whole day.

getting to feel the stress level when my students are going to take their "O" levels prelims and i am going to have tests. furthermore, contents for environmental hydraulics and surface water quality are starting to get kinda challenging. mathematics which are taught and learnt during year one are applied. (T_T) have to revise...!!!!

integrated design module is starting to get fired up. i wanna go Cambodia, if my project team were to be one of the best. I wanna go cambodia..wanna go take a look at the real project which my module lecturer has participated in. hmm..well, at least it gets me more motivated and let me forget about the nightmare.

human anatomy lecture tmr...arg......i love the lecturer and the lecture, but it's getting real challenging to remember all many medical terms.

bought a packet of jelly beans to rescue my periodic starvation. it really works, at least my stomach never groans badly in the tutorial/lecture room, especially when the lecture environment is super quiet. and i actually ate nothing but a few jelly beans to survive myself throughout the whole day.
haha..good good...i can't wait myself to slim down further.

the day went on as usual. and today's lecture by huang shi fu was super bored.. (T_T) Dozed off in the end.
First, cos i'm fatigue. Second, cos i'm bored.

Decided not to go for the interview session for one of the overseas volunteer trip. Looked through the video clip for last year's trip..Not really interest me a lot, probably cos the living conditions being protrayed seems to be comparatively good, compared to the one which Chia Se team went last year. From the video clip, the kids still have a very clean and big room to study. With proper clean uniforms, with big and clean chairs and tables, unlike the kids in Kim Bai.

So, even if i were to go for the interview, i dun think i could convince the interview committee that i am passionate of being involved in next year's trip.

hahahh.. =p

need to start to get my plans implemented as soon as possible. i am starting to feel fat.. (T_T)

sigh, it's tough to be a lady in today's world.

ok, me got to go...have many things to do...

sian ah.............................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahah..been listening to the "Secret" movie OST the whole day. ahha...find the tracks super nice......!!!!

Hmm..been listening to the movie "Secret" OST via S.O.'s website for almost the whole day.....studied a great deal of human anatomy...and also thought through things a lot...

watched the taiwan serial drama "Angel Lover" too..and i think i saw myself in a few characters..hha..have kinda sorted out my thoughts too..

and definitely, many of my friends have been trying to talk sense and reality into my head.

Hmmm....maybe i really have to just put it away. The past has happened and ya...

Shall not talked so much over this in my blog anymore. Cos i feel saying so much doesn't change things and will only make things worse.

Shall juz keep to myself. It'll be better, i guess.

yup...

anyway, school has been having many overseas voluntary work events. Very tempted to go....will go check it out, and hope the event/s doesn't/dun clash with any of my other stuff.
Hope i can go...wanna go overseas again for such purpose...

and also at least i could get out of this place, for a while...free of problems and be myself out there...

and yup, i have made a few plans for my upcoming years..hee..so these are my few plans...

(1) take up sign language course from the Sinapore Association for the Deaf.
(2) take up basic french language course.
(3) take up sketching course from the Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts
(4) visit as many art exhibitions as possible.
(5) attend as many musicals and threatre dramas as possible (of course attend those which i am interested)
(6) join the Welfare Services Club and help out as a volunteer to interact with the intellectually disabled people
(7) Read up more on communication skills
(8) find the original mansze - the one whom i knew her in SACSS.
(9) Slim down...although i have the urge of going for plastic surgery, juz like the "200 pounds beauty"..hahaha..

Yup, think tat's all for now first..hahaha.. =p
All these will occupy myself for quite some time...hahaa...

sigh...initially get to write something...a long paragraph...

but somehow or rather, din manage to upload and my tat draft is gone..

have so many things to say..

but well, probably it's fate...

whatever i want to say now, will not be read. will not be seen.

Probably God is telling me something..

Sometimes i wish He will appear in my dreams and tell me what i am supposed to do, how i am supposed to let go.

Probably He's been trying to tell me something. Probably i may have noticed it. Probably i find it too hard and fast to swallow.
i choose to ignore. cos it'll only make me feel worse.

Been hearing the "Secret" movie OST track 15 from S.O. site..it's very nice...it plays with the melachonly of sadness, and grief.

till now, i still couldn't get to sleep.
ya..again..

anyway made a few plans for my upcoming years...but definitely getting attached is a total out of my plan. i know myself.

share my plans with all of u next time...

definitely i am giving up tuition works next year..
i wanna do other things. though i'll not be as well paid as now.
share with u all tmr ba...

Hmmm...blogging for the sake of making this blog a light-heartened one....

hahaha..

hmm..basically my day today was pretty enjoyable..hmm..but i think i'll enjoy tomorrow more. human anatomy lecture tomorrow..! yeah...

i miss wearing high-heeled shoes..maybe will try wearing them tomorrow..

haha..so crappy...

=p

ok, hope this's a more delightful one.. =p

was feeling better in the day...not much depressed...

one of my student told me something which kinda amused me for almost a day..

well.....

hahhaa..she told me that i look like a dancer, one who performs modern dance...

MUHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA....!!!

My first reaction was shocked, surprised and very amused...it's the first time when someone gives me such a comment..hahhaa...first time having someone saying that i look like a dancer..hahahahhahahaa....

and definitely her comment lightened up my day..though i dun really agree with her remark...cos i dun carry the qualities of a dancer...hahaa..

but wait...what kind of modern dance? artistic form of modern dance...or those logically comprehensive form of modern dance...? heee... =p

but i only like one dance.

Waltz.

i love waltz (do i say it correctly?). slow, steady and graceful.
my favourite.
and i like such elements to be injected in a relationship of mine. slow and steady, never get tired easily.

anyway, i'm not cut out for a relationship, so na...not to dwell on this topic for too long...

ok, back to the main topic.

caught a bad cold. sneezing non-stop during huang shi fu's lesson today. yet i bought a cup of iced mocha from coffeebean.
hhaa..but i feel happier after treating myself a cup of mocha.

well, ok, tat's the end of my happy day.

Depression and Contradiction juz subconsciously crawl and cling to me when night falls.

i'm starting to get used to it. and i'm starting to feel there's a level of professionism in me.
in the day, i smile, i laugh, i joke with my friends around me.
in the night, i am
just myself. Always talking to God, seeking for His guidance and companion..

i feel i am starting see my life as a profession. when i am not alone, i put in the best effort to smile and joke, so as to cheer others up. if possible, i want to make my presence an optimistic impact upon people around me. in fact, i like it this way.

probably an evolution of a new mood species starts to take its form.

today's dennis's birthday.

hope he has enjoyed his day today.

*************************************

as for me, i tried to pass the day as light-heartening as possible. but it seemed to fail...been very fatigue and un-motivated the whole day, and i was surprised when DLY told me that i was in a good mood today - "smile like a kid"..

hhaa..

but ok la, at least i realised that i could hide my feelings better now. at least even when i laughed and smiled, it didn't reveal any of my saddness.

i juz wish that i've selective short term memory, only remember the happy things. i juz wish that i've selective thinking, only think of the necessary things which are important at the moment.

been having very negative thoughts recently, and it's very tiring to think...thoughts of why my this relationship failed...keep thinking that it's all my problems..keeping thinking that i failed cos that i dun have the socially acceptable external appearance..that i am not smart like the other ladies..that i can't talk well..that i dun know this, dun know that..that i am not interesting enough to have a relationship maintained for long..

it's really very tiring...sometimes i am thinking is that i have not kept myself busy enough...thinking whether i should keep myself busier to the extent which makes myself faint out of extreme fatigue.

sometimes i really wonder what God wants me to do..
before the whole breakup, i am already feeling aura of omens..signs of omens...the handphone which he gave me was spoiled..the last piece of cross-stitch which i sewed for him was not completed with the rest of 3 letters...etc etc...

sometimes i really wonder how others can get past with their breakup...and many can even get attached to another after a few weeks of breakups..it's a scary sight to me..

i still try to take dennis as a very good friend of mine..and i hope he does too...

sigh...i dun know..maybe i am losing touch with his life...cos even if i asked, i hardly get an enthusiastic reply...

ARG...anyway.....take me crapping away...i need a space to vent out....

ok, me shall stop here. completely no mood to study....

ARGHHh...anyway juz take me crapping away...take it as my usual outbreak of periodic depression..

窗外。
坐着。
望着。
人潮。

她喝着手紧握着她最爱的Starbucks Mocha。

下雨了。
仍坐着。
仍望着。
人潮呢？
都散了。

她仍喝着mocha，仍望着窗外的变化。

咖啡厅多了人潮。
咖啡厅多了热闹。
咖啡厅多了温暖。

但少了一份孤独。

可能是多了混乱，
可能是多了分心，
可能是多了遗忘，

她手紧握着的mocha，被她的混乱倒翻了。

纸巾，
手帕，
海绵。

“就别再执着。”
是那咖啡厅的店员。

眼，泛红了。

雨停了。
人散了。
她？
仍坐着。
仍望着。

仍紧握那个杯子。

同一样的杯子，
多了一份空虚。

been not myself recently.
hmm.
in fact, ever since the breakup, i've never been myself, unless i'm in vietnam with the Chia Se team.

but it's a path which i've chosen to take, as a form of self-punishment.

too many reasons. too many factors. it's not convenient to list down here either.

still feeling moody though. probably i really have no idea of how to handle it. to me, keeping myself "occupied to the neck" (as mentioned by my buddy) is my way of solving problems.

anyway glad that i din doze off during those important lectures. for those non-important lectures like HR management, i juz choose to switch off. maybe will even consider of skipping it. =p

lab sessions're getting tiring and more frequent...but it's pretty fun la, cos HB often makes jokes and treat me n HM cakes, coffee, and cakes...and coffee...n cakes..but no durian fruit (he ate it himself). =p
and he's been treating us like younger sisters...hahaha..treat us sweets etc etc...probably me n HM have been pretty cheerful n jumpy..hahahhhahaa..
but he's another workaholic...so ended up making us feel kinda stressed, right from the commencement of school.
but well, then again he's patient guy, and we are still glad to have him guiding us along. hee..

starting to dislike sleeping time. nightmares of myself being abandoned and left alone. tears to put me to sleep.
but yet, i wake up, feeling refreshed.

went TTSH for a medical seminar with my z3 ppl...

pretty informative seminar and it seems to have been a long time since i met the z3 ppl...hahaa..

anyway saw a friend there, together with the rest of my src detachment ppl..and i can't believe my this friend msg me sth which was pretty hurting to me..sigh..but anyway forget it, i dun want to think about it..it juz kinda disappointing and hurting..

after the whole seminar, went bk with them, and was kena teased by SO and EC.. (-_-") i was teased until i had nothing to say but to keep laughing away..hahaha..but well, it did make me forget about unhappy stuff for a moment..

haha..oH ya..noticed sth which reminds me of dennis's ex-hairstyle..hahaha..

finally got a chance to have dinner with my family. it's been 2 weeks since i last had dinner with them.

school tomorrow..! got to go school early juz to put some stuff into an oven... (T_T) and got to rush to lab after lectures...sigh...and i could only end my school at around 9 in the night...

initially was very excited to go school tmr, cos finally can get to see the rest of my lecture kakis...but thinking of going to lab more often, i'm not very keen..

probably i've high expectations of myself for this final year project. i wanna to involve more in the design planning of the project, and i am feeling very distant from the project. and i am getting the chemical terms and calculation wrong recently, which i am very pissed with my own performance. cos it doesn't reflect well on my own ability..!

anyway heard some news about SAC from an officer, after the seminar. Was a little worried for the girls, cos it seems to me that they're not very well-supported. but i can't go back to help. i've too many things at hand now, and i can't squeeze anymore time for them le..

my colleagues called me up on friday. they tried to pull a trick on me and i fell into their trick. omg..haaha
but hearing the voice from one of colleagues who sat behind me, i almost wanna cried..hahhhha..

going to be very moody lately until something has passed. so do bear with me.. =p

but maybe i would say, at least i have things to be occupied to the extent which i hope will numb me totally...

one thing i know, i've developing a habit of saying "so tired", "i'm very tired" or "very tired. i want to sleep".

haha..

been very tired..n un-motivated...

my final year project doesn't seem to be very smooth-sailing for me personally...n i dislike my own performance.. =(

feel terrible right now...

probably i am feeling exhausted too...so exhausted and terrible that i've no mood to narrate the happy things..

PHOTOs..!!! =D

these are the roses which i made for my female colleagues. stayed up till very late...wrote them individual letters to most of my colleagues, including my bosses. hahaa...

Welcome to my desk..! hahhaa..messy rite? i've worse..

for self-motivation purposes. hahaha..

the cups which had been together with me since the start of my attachment.
i decorated this. first, to motivate myself. second, to prevent the office assistant to clear my cup while i was away for toilet break. u see this girl who is holding a flower, rite? haha..yes, that's me! XD

i pasted this at my desk, for self-motivation.

hmm..haha..Yes, pasted some tcm stuff. so when i'm bored, i can look at it "secretly".. =p
another self-motivation stuff..hahha...yup, this girl is me..! hahhaa.. =D

but at the end of my attachment, i've forgotten to take it off.. i'll miss it... hahaha..

ok, this is the potted plant which has been standing quietly beside my desk. it may be silent, it gives me the strength to go on...hahhahaa...ok, this is so crappy..


dim sum buffet treated by my Deputy Director of my attached division..!
i ate a lot there...my colleagues were stunned..hahaha..
last day of my attachment. went to WaterHub for another buffet lunch. this is my colleague's car..! he bought this car, mainly cos his wife loves this kind of car. so sweet..!
me in the beetle car..hahaha..

my supervisor and me..!
the director of my attached department and me....ahaha..he's a very cute boss..hahaha..

C, J and me..! the 3 youngest girls in the department..! hahahhaha..!
ok, this is the bear which is bought for J's birthday..,expensive bear...and his name is called "Jash".

So, say "hello" to him..!

"HELLOooOOO..!!"

card bought by my colleagues for my last day there..! it's very big..! so big that i actually hugged the card when i received it..! XD
ok, these are the photos..

will update on my happenings more tmr..

very tired now..

bye bye..