decided to give myself a good break - not teaching tuition tmr.. =) yeah...

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met AG today before the lesson..felt much more better and happier when i get to see him..

but he's still not feeling and i'm still kinda worried..but not as worried as this morning..

Clinical attachment yesterday..nothing much ..but have the chance to see the same few patients..

realise there is a family who practically came as the whole to seek my teacher's consultation..but i believe the main patient is their 4-5 yr old son..what touches me is the family's love for each other..the way how the young parents teaches their children..can see how much the parents have communicated with each other that they have no problem managing their children during the consultation (the kids kinda scared of needles..haa..)

learnt that it is really not easy to be mother, even during the 9 months of pregnancy. Every step towards pregancy, during pregnancy, and even during birth, can strongly affect the aftermath development of the baby/child.

Probably that's one thing which makes me want to lead a healthy lifestyle. And I wish I could influence my closed ones (especially AG) too..

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AG has not been feeling well and it worries me. And I feel useless cos I keep feeling I'm a total nag to him..i've been nagging the same advice to ask him kick off that unhealthy habit. Yet I can't do anything..I can't drag him to see my teacher cos he'll be angry and doesn't like the smell of herbs and acupuncture needles..I can't treat him cos i'm still a student, i'm not allowed to do any professional treatment... yet i have seen positive effects in my teacher's patients..and i can't do anything, and only nag...yet i dun dare to nag so much cos i'm scared that i'll irritate him (i've irritated him quite s few times)..


i'm feeling very useless...everytime when i think of how helpless i can get and can't take care of him well, i can't help tearing..


and i'm starting to feel the same old thing again..why i did not manage to do well in my JC times..Am i really that incapable as the rest? why can't i get into a medical school cos of my results? why can't i be a western and tcm doctor..? with both areas of medical capabilities, i believe that that can help me to push my ideals forward much stronger and more effectively...

and maybe at least AG will listen to me..?


early in the morning, i'm already feeling useless...that's a terrible start..


meeting him later before going for my evening lesson..

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yesterday's clinical attachment's been a stressful one..can see that 2 of my students have some tcm background and they have always in touch with this area..and i'm feeling so incapable...i felt sooooo terrible..i still dun know many many things... (T__T)


keep thinking to myself that how can i excel when i'm working in a total different environment?


but according to my teacher, he said that i'm still very young...so can still learn from the experienced tcm practitioners..and it takes the minimum of 10 years to be highly skilled in this regime..a success path which seems to be very different from the western medical regime.

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and gosh...one work event has to clash with my exam period... (T_T) can't have it changed cos of the availability of my big boss's schedule..but this time, i wanna be involved on that day, i dun wanna the 2nd time to feel myself being part of the planning stage but out of the implementation stage.

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think i'm really very stressed up right now..can't help tearing away as i write this post..but at least i feel slightly better..


but it seems to come to a stage where in my romantic r/s, i rarely share my stress with AG..i dun wanna AG to feel that he's a burden to my study..i've learnt to solve my own stress problem myself and avoid myself from incorporating my stress to strain the r/s..


meeting AG later.. =)

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i feel so stressed up..and i start to feel really lousy about myself...but i still have to nag to AG, i feel the urgency to help him kick off the habit cos i strongly in "prevention is better than cure"..and i dun wanna the situation that if we were to get married and he's keeping the habit, i'm scared i'll become a young widow..i'm not interested in inheriting big money at all..but i'm very scared that my marriage life will just continue without him, it'll feel lonely and unfulfilling...

dun know why i'm so pessismistic right now..probably i'm really very stressed up..exams in one month's time and i'm feeling myself a big nag and irritant to AG cos i keep nagging and i can feel very strongly that he's ignoring my nag...

but i'll still nag no matter what, as long as he's not kicked off the habit and not taking care of his health..i still wanna take good care of him, treat him well, as long as i'm in this r/s, until the day when he feels i'm a total bug to him and decides to dump me for another person who can tolerate his habit better than me, or share the same habit as him..i'll prefer him to dunp me before marriage than during marriage when he realises that i can be such a nag..

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It's the last day of internship for the intern (the one who was in the same sec sch as DLY)...

Overall, he did relatively well..and i can't deny my director's selection..

He said he's learnt a lot from us....and now, kinda reflecting upon myself - what have i learnt from this intern?

probably one big thing which i've learnt from him - his passion and optimism to learn as many things as possible..and his proactiveness..

haha..ok, end of my reflection of the day. =p

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Was watching this documentary "The Human Spirit" shown in Okto channel..great documentary..it shows the wonder of self-preseverance..the "wonder" of medical technology and the "wonder" of God..the amazement of human body..it's brillant..awes me totally..

This week's episode "Living with half a brain" is inspiring and motivational..the faith of the parents in believing that their children will lead a better life after going through operation. It's really amazing how a parent's belief can affect the child's self-belief and recovery in any way - psychological, emotional and pyschiology.

And again, it's really amazing and fabulous to see God's greatest work of all - human body. How a brain which loses its half can adjust itself and eventually how it manages the whole body movement..

fabulous..and it makes me love God more in His greatest way and have stronger faith in Him.

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Came across this advertisement by chance..it's a TV commerical launched by the MCYS. Love this as it talks about the imperfection of two people which makes the marriage perfect. And it's trying to persuade/urge people - look, listen, feel and manage a marriage with your heart.

Small things, it seems, are the sweetest imperfection in a marriage life.
Then again, it's the sensitivity which makes one appreciate these subtleness.

Enjoy~! It's very touching... =)



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haaa...wanna saw this film "Half Nelson"..the plot looks interesting.. =)

Somehow i was reminded that i want to watch this movie "mona lisa smile"..

hee..was very fascinated by the story..and ended up giving up playing guitar hero world tour and watched this instead..

the movie reminds me of my adolescence being brought up and highly influenced in a convent school..i miss SAC...

hhee..loves this movie cos it promotes feminism..hhhaha..it's pretty jane austen kind of movie..
and well, kinda reminds me of Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" and knowing about Leonardo da Vinci which have a very strong influence on me..in being what kind of lady i wanna be and what kind of guy i am looking into..hee hee...

hhaa..loves this movie..nice nice nice..

haa..wanna watch "dead poet society" next time..

have watched the new version of "pride and prejudice" movie before..not nice at all..horrible story..doesn't match with the novel at all... lousy lousy lousy.. =p

Saw this really cool car quite some time ago..all along i hadn't had the time to upload these 2 photos..hee..

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Love long weekends...1 less working day..and more time spent with AG and my books..

went to Hilton Hotel's Checkers resturant for their seafood buffet dinner..didn't reach our expectations, at least for me..the chinese tim-sum is not very nice..dessert's okay, but not fabulous..partly they've very few chocolate cakes...but love their blueberry and american cheesecakes..hee..and oh! osyters and prawns, and little lobsters..yum yum.. =p

up to date, i still prefer inter-continental hotel's buffet lunch..went to eat there once for a workshop's lunch sessions with the hotels' facilities engineers..fabulous cakes...oysters, prawns...love the dessert, cos they've wider variety of chocolate cakes..!!! ahhh~ =p

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studying for exams is a killer..

juz for one module to study is a torture..it's scary to memorise so many herbs combination..GOSH...!!!!!!

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First time paid my sch fee, using my own money...feels good..hee hee...

cos at least i feel i'm not relying on my parents' money and i'm feeling more independent.. =p

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Thank goodness it's wednesday..just finished my work in the office and yup, blogging a bit in office after doing my work.. (T_T)

having slight headache now..and i kinda dread eating the salad which i've prepared last night.. argh..

no one in the office now, except me.. -__-

the whole day's been spent trying to understand how to fill a purchase order..getting advises from different departments and finally only at the end of the day, managed to get the stuff done. stupid me...

basically learning from the mistakes and confusions which i had the whole morning..

it's 9 pm..argh..initially wanna go sch to study and do my homework..

now need to rush home to finish my homework..argh...stupid idiot....

and can't be bothered to tidy up my office desk now..it's in stupid big mess..even had quite a hard time searching for my handphone...

but one good thing about today was that AG asked me out to have lunch with him... (^^) i'm so happy..it's been very long since i had lunch with him during our working days...

I love AG lots lots.. =p

Hasn't been a good week...

Was feeling pretty ill..and my mood's kinda fluctuating..probably kinda really miss AG a lot..just hope tat we could spend more time together, instead of juz once a week...but AG's been tolerant..and last night i was happily surprised that he bought me food for my family and was willing to step into my house to say hello to my parents..haa..but din invite him in cos we knew my parents will ask him in to drink tea together..and they really did..but i've kinda pushed him out of the house later..hahahaa..what i'm surprised that he's willing to do some "score-points" things..hee hee hee hee...

was "arrowed" to be the emcee for my department's seminar on thursday..received pretty good compliments but of course, many of them noticed that i was kinda nervous during the opening, standing alone in front of many older adults, and of course my director and my other colleagues..lucky thing, eventually i was getting more comfortable with the audience..so i was still satisfied with my this going-to-be-my-"first and last" host performance.

ended up myself dozing off heavily during my tcm lesson on that day, and feeling terribly ill and exhausted..

hadn't been in good spirit to work..kept questioning myself about my work performance and self-worth in work..

probably one thing which i felt happy during work is when i get to guide and work with the poly students which are attached to my division..

a lot of things to memorise for my sch work..exams is end of next month..starting to feel stressed up..

many times, really wish i can quit my job n focus fully on my tcm..i really want to do it well, or at least do as well as my classmates who are simultaneouly well-versed in chinese language and tcm..wanna show that a young chap like me can be as good and strong as them..
then again, many times, can feel myself at disadvantage than these classmates.. =p

arg...

Been a tiring day..especially when attending tcm lesson..dozed off immediately once i sat down in class.

after the break, feeling worse..feeling nauseous...heavy head..feeling dizzy..

feeling sick..oh so sick... =(

Went for my very first acupuncture clinical attachment.

Learnt a lot of stuff from the patients and my teacher..!!! =D

so happy!

But kept feeling that i've neglected AG...n i miss him badly..every week we've been meeting once or twice during the weekends..n both of us are always very tired after the end of the day cos both of us are very busy in our respective work during the day...

sometimes, i get so scared that one day, cos of my heavy study schedule, i might lose tis r/s...scare tat he might ask other lady frens to go out with eventually..n u know u know..?
but at the same time, i need to keep reminding myself that this is the only one chance which i can get to fulfil the goal which i had lost with pain..i dun want to feel lost in my life again..n keep trying to fork out my remaining time and energy to hope spend quality time with him...but time spent with him is always faster than what work spends onto me..

oki, shall stop harbouring negative thoughts..

know about my 3rd yr's modules..increase by one module..so 4 modules next semester..n furthermore, think there're more clinical attachment in 3rd yr..all my classmates are starting to get worried...

work, studies, family, and r/s...how to juggle..?

n i still have one more tuition student now..next yr's his 'O' levels..sigh..

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was studying in sch lib on wed..and haa..guess who i saw?

Ponsak - the mediacorp celebrity! he's one tcm yr older than me..

okay, tat's the end of what i wanna say..cos i already know he's my senior in my yr one..saw his photo in yrbook, only get to see him real person on wed.. =p

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I'm exhausted...n been eating veggies..n fruits...

Did have once or twice when i can't stand the savoury of meat...n i've sinned..haha..

very hungry now.. (T_T)

n always have cravings for meat...fast food..e.g. carls' junior.... ahhhh.....

I miss being a high-density carnivore...

Din have a good work day..meeting's not good..got marked by a customer..n he's not very pleased... sigh.

Starting to feel very lost in my work performance...

I'm starting to have no solution and it seems that my performance's deteriorating..especially when i received my last year's work performance..it's an alright grade, it's not a poor grade at all..but i juz feel i dun deserve that grade..

sigh..

guess i juz need to bite my teeth through..and learn through the hard and tough ways, trying to avoid myself from developing negative thoughts (of what others might think of my work performance)..afterall i've little office experience, so i should take the chance to learn as much as possible..

maybe i'm worried that i can't get permanent placing after my two-years contract is over..think i better start searching for other job opportunities when my contract term is going to end.

i've never felt so lousy before... =(

still awake..

can't get to sleep..have no idea why...

feel very unsettled..dun know why too..think it's the diet which is tolerating me emotionally..can't eat late night snacks..been controlling myself..i need to lose weight...

kept listening to Corrinne May's songs to keep my thoughts positive and at ease...

everytime when i listen to her songs, i can't help myself thanking to God for the friends whom i have..many have changed my mindset positively..and it seems that i've grown to be more at ease with many things..more in control of what i want and what i dun want..probably more independent and more certain in what i want out of my life...

kinda reflecting on my uni life and kept having the feeling that i've changed/matured..think such change in me has to credit to DLY, ZJ, LA, KH and HL...

ZJ taught me about taking the leap of faith and she is still teaching me till now..

DLY is like an elder brother to me (anyway he always treats me like his younger sister)..and he had been very tolerant to my nasty temper during a certain period of time in uni..

KH drilled the truth into my head and helped me in a way to accept the reality..

LA taught me to be more at ease with things, be more realistic and optimistic..esp through the whole last semester of my 4th year..he has helped me get through..i've become stronger and more zen..haa..

HL for being a great buddy to me..been teaching and protecting this simple-minded buddy of his..haa..of course, for letting AG come into my life..

Probably it's like what i've mentioned before in my previous post..everything has its time..God has arrangement for each of us..just like how He lets these friends into my life...and eventually how He lets AG into my life..

All i know is..treasure the present.. =) for i know God loves me and i love Him too.

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think i've felt better after writing these down...

i kinda miss AG now...though i did talk to him some time ago...

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2 days of course starting from tmr.. yeah...

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Been studying every now and then..in office during lunch..in sch library...

so tired...n quite stressed up...wanna improve on my grades and class position..

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Been meeting AG once/twice a week...

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hey hey..zhijia...i've left a long message for you..over your side...

sound a little nagging and a little long-winded...

but do take good care of your eyes..dun sleep too much too..look at the greenery more..let your eyes relax and have a good break..! =)

Had a weird dream..and it's like an intuitive dream to me..seems to be telling me that i need to be emotionally prepared for it..

Can't help shaking the feeling off..

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back to office to work tmr..finally...

2 days of course again...so tired...but haha..no work.. =p

found a new good study environment today again..hahaa..it's the tcm sch library..!!
was quite surprised with myself that i finally study in a quiet environment..
tink i need a lot of focus nowadays...

but it's one place which can help me stay away from food...from unhealthy snacks.. =D

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Been trying hard to stray away from fried stuff..n trying hard to eat less..n only eat low carb food..

Hopefully such a diet can help me lose my unhealthy fats away...
n need to push myself to start exercising again..

the problem with me is that i've pretty good health status - low cholesterol..acceptable blood pressure..but my fats just remain in the body... =(

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hahaa..been very busy...another group of students coming in for internship...gosh....

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4th March:

Attended a wedding dinner with AG..it's his uni fren's big day...was super nervous to meet his frens.. =p

turned up pretty not too bad..but was pretty bored during the dinner, cos AG is all i know there..
AG kinda noticed that when i started games in my hp.. =p
he's nice..trying to keep me entertained.. =p haha..but it feels nice to have him around.. =)

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5th March:

Felt extremely sick...feeling so terrible that i had skipped my tcm lesson and went straight home taking cab from Jurong area..

There i met this taxi driver who told me that he's taking a dipolma on counselling..and when he started telling me how he came to take this course, i realised that the pain in my body had kinda ceased off and somehow, seems to me that God has been kind to me..letting me know this taxi driver..he seems to be a nice man, based on my intuition..a very different kind of taxi driver, but he seems to be someone with a certain goal in his life, at an age of 40s...

Throughout that whole journey, i was not much in great pain but a sense of inspiration that I've learnt something about life just from this 15mins of taxi ride..
You may say i'm kinda naive and that this fellow can be just trying to distract me and start taking long route to get to my destination..hee but well, i choose to go with my gut feelings.. =)

AG was sweet...he sang me songs over the phone, in hope to cease my pain..and when i requested him to sing "Moon River", he really sang...hahaha..and i kinda teared out of happiness..hahaha..kinda touched with his action..it doesn't matter whether he sings well or not, it's just that little request which he tried to fulfill...

of course, he din know that i teared at the end of the phone..hahaha..

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7th March:

Met up with HM they all to celebrate HM's post-birthday..!!!!

Been a great catch-up..had late lunch in vivo's sushi-teh..and we simply sat there to chat for the straight 2 hours..! and no distraction from any staff in the restaurant..!! hahaa..perfect..!!

hahaha..and started talking about our old sch's days, esp the SAC days...all of us miss those days.....

hahaa..somehow we started talking about who had seen each other cry..hahha..and by recalling, it seems to come to a conclusion that they've seen me cry the most number of times, largely due to my emotional plus paranoid personality..

Had a lot of great laughs at our individual funny, embarrassing incidents..haha..

and again in vivo's pet safari..i saw siberian husky..!!!! AHHHHHH..!!! it's sooooo handsome...!!!! AhHhHhhHH...!!!!

was surprised that AG picked me up after my tcm lesson..and he din drive..instead, we took a bus back to my place and he went back home by cab..recently he's been very sweet to me, dun know why too..hahaha..i'm starting my paranoid thoughts again.. =p

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measured myself and realised that i've really grown fatter... (T___T)

Starting my diet plan next week..

i cannot afford to put on anymore weight..i need to lose lotsa lotsa weight..!!!
cos i really want to change my dressing style...

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One of my favourite quotes in "He's Just Not That into You":

Gigi: Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope.

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Can;'t wait for this documentary movie "Earth"..!!

Here's the trailor and love the filmography..!!

http://www.hollywood.com/trailer/5403328/earth_James_Earl_Jones

Attended a 2-days workshop on some environmental course, organised by this university - University of Nevada Las Vegas. Met a lot of engineers from different hotels..though was late for the first day, i was lucky to have seated next to an engineer..very humorous and talkative guy...hhaa..but learnt a lot of things from him..

basically realised that it's very male-dominated...was kinda nervous , partly cos i am young and inexperienced compared to the rest...

my boss's one of the guest speakers in this workshop..and she's good in her presentation..!!! She managed to get everyone's attention and almost everyone in the room interacted with her..

Love the hosted lunch sessions..yum yum..

Cos of this workshop, got myself a business card holder..realised tat i still need it..

and now, quite a number of things which are needed to do some mini follow-up...

Went to watch "He's just now that into you" with AG..was pretty surprised initially that he'll pick this movie..haha..but well, the show din reach his expectation of a romantic comedy..

i'm pretty fine with the show..pretty nice and could say that i've kinda picked up a few enlightments...learnt about how guys can give excuses about not doing any follow-up...learnt that ladies cannot be so naive, thinking that when a guy says "he'll call back" and stupidly waiting for his calls/sms-es...basically, dun believe every word guys say..

hmm..and the topic of marriage..the show presents the truth of it but has not really stated the probably true reason of why at a certain period of the r/s, ladies do want to get married..let's not talk about tying the guy up...

hmmm..probably as what i've read a column written by a very famous taiwanese columnist, at a certain age and the lady is in the r/s, the lady will start to feel the anxiety that she's turning more mature and the growing age will start to deter her from knowing more eligible bachelors..and it has come to a stage where she wanna (and needs) to get married..it may be juz a piece of paper but probably the concept of marriage gives the sense of stability and security to a lady, it's like a form of assurance that the guy really loves her a lot and is willing to go further to spend the later part of his life with someone whom he sees happiness in..

probably blame it on the ladies' "natural" sense of insecurity and the yearn for the strong sense of stability..

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i can feel myself becoming a gf who tries to check on her bf whenever it's possible...i dun know why...it feels like the first time i am like this..think it's the phobia and the sense of insecurity...and probably self-confidence..? it feels so unlike me...and i dislike tat..but i feel i wanna get my sense of insecurity eased off...

probaby juz feel that i cannot be too naive..too trusting...hmmm...

probably i get so worried and/or paranoid that i can't help popping out a question to him, juz wanna "survey" whether he is happy with being with me....

Kinda a big meeting for the class reps from all levels coming together to meet up and talk to the Dean.

Think it's kinda the first time when I have the guts to voice my opinions and give my suggestions/proposals to some of the issues discussed.
First time to express myself in Chinese..and i realise that it's pretty tough to try expressing in proper Chinese..i was kinda nervous, kept stammering and I'm glad that the Dean understood what I'm trying to convey..

First time when i can talk so much during such a meet-up session..especially with the Dean and a few other teachers..

Till now, i keep feeling that i might be dreaming or something like that..i dun know when did i have such the courage to talk..think my classmate who has given me the encouragement and support..hhaa..tat classmate is a father of a daughter and i feel he's treating me like his daughter, trying to teach me quite a lot of things, just like what my dad does too..

kinda weird to listen to a group of growing dads (my classmates) sharing a topic about progressive lens..which now then i learn that the lens' design are for presbyopia..

First time my feet step into the college library..a small library but it has massive of books...wow......totally in awe....
and there at the library counter, i saw an old man..he's in charge of housekeeping the library..
Somehow i just had this weird thought - do not underestimate this old man. He may be just like those old monks who housekeep the temple library and yet hidden within reveals a man with powerful martial arts and extraordinary wisdom...

Kinda silly of me to harbour such silly thought, but still i try to give my most utmost respect for this library..

argh....think i've watched too much Jin Yong's...

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Been a really tiring week...

work hasn't been smooth-sailing...lucky thing my boss's very tolerant...

been trying to take good care of the intern..and it seems tat it has kinda taken up quite a bit of my time...

but learnt a lot of things from being the buddy to the intern...