Back to self-indulgence of self-pity.

My exams are over, school break is here...but i realize my time after office hours is mainly spent on work..i used to be spending time with AG, or rather it's that AG would ask me to meet more often during the school break..but now..sigh..somehow seems that a relationship always come to this stagnant point after 4 years..sad, right?

But what to do..i just keep quiet and find things to occupy myself during school break..probably i need to get myself mentally prepared too in events that i will really be left alone in the end.

Somehow, for my 2 relationships, the guy never has plans to spend a marriage life with me. Either they told me they are skeptical about marriages or say they never believe in marriages, blah blah blah..I used to believe and want to prove to them wrong that i can be that special one to make that difference in the life. But i feel I am wrong, furthermore my current relationship seems to be telling me the same thing again. i am starting to believe in myself that i'm just not the guys' marriage type. why? self-scrutinization - i have chubby legs, chubby ankles, i have small eyes, i have a pear figure..an imperfect external appearance. the reality of the society just seems to tell me that forget about you trying to build a lasting and loving marriage for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's a two-way management.

Ladies' intelligence? *smirk* maybe it's just a secondary or tertiary requirement.

Promise, i don't need a promise. I just want a guy who believes in marriage, who believes in building marriage milestones together, who believes that at the end of our lives, we are still holding hands together. (note: of course, basic requirement still applies.)

But then again, when a guy says he believes, how much trust can a girl put upon his words?

- In total self-scrutization and self-pity -

Sigh..today's paper wasn't smooth-riding. Thought i could do well, turned out that things were not going my way..think we have put too much trust on the teachers and i should have just studied everything...

SIGHHHHH.....

Morale is super looww........but still have one more paper to goooo...argh..