Tuesday, October 31, 2006

(-_-) SIAN | NAIS (-_-)

SIAN AHH...

Gotten back alot of my semester's first tests..

Din do well at all. Flunked one and the rest are all passing grades.

SIAN. (-_-)

This semester's subjects are getting harder and I am starting to lose all my studious morale..sometimes, or in fact many times, i juz dislike going to sch to study things which i dun like. engineering. till now, i dislike this course. but wat to do? i must get at least an degree in order to survive in the society. u may think academic results are not everything. True. But this is merely an optimistic way of thinking. I've learnt it in a hard way.

The competition in ENE is getting tougher. Almost everyone is scoring well for their tests la..!! sigh..

SIAN. (-__-)

Recently, me so stressed up that i eat more frequent than before. Me so stressed up that i can't sleep in my bedroom last night. Ended up sleeping on the sofa in the living room. 4 and 1/2 hr of sleep.

SIAN. (-___-)

REminded myself that i used to sleep like this when i was in junior college. Too stressed up.

In fact, this semester, i've not been involving in many activities. But then, i've no idea why i still can't catch. I do my tutorials more regularly for this semester, attended a bit more lecture for this semester, yet i can't catch up with the rest. Sigh...

Now in school, writing this "sian"ly blog of mine. Just finished my hydraulics tutorial and still dun understand the concepts for the stupid hydraulics jump..this friday's the test le...

SIAN. (-____-)

Later in the evening, i still have to attend a meeting for my sch's vietnam mission. This sat, i still need to help out by being a tour guide to my sch alumni juz cos they are the main sponser for this mission trip.
I dun feel like going for the tour guide thingy lei..but then, if i dun go and help out, i feel i'm not involving actively in this project, as what i've promised during the interview. (by the way, the interview for me was very short, takes only about 5 to 10 mins. Others took so long and yet mine took so short. SIAn.) Anyway, how? should i not go for the tour guide thingy?

SIAN. (-_____-)

OKie, my face is getting longer now.
Shall stop here before my face grows even longer.


(-__________________________________________________-)

Okay, tis too long...

Sunday, October 29, 2006

teSTs , tEstS...

A lot of tests this week.

30th octobre - French Theory

1st novembre - Geo-environmental

03/11 - Hydraulics

This is only within this week.

I still have a test on Solid Waste, which i've no idea when.

I still have another 1000-words assignment for my english literature.
And i believe this assignment is going to be harder than Bram Stoker's "Dracula".
The book I'm currently studying is "Dogeaters" and o_O this book, c'est difficile.

T_T

I wanna cry la..!!!

Not enough time to study la...!!! Been studying non-stop..almost 8 to 9 hrs of studying per day.

Cooolll..

Further more, I'm been marked by my mum now, and i can't go unnecessarily to my favourite study place to study..

SIAN..

je suis fatiguée...

Thursday, October 26, 2006

25th.

It's 25th.

Been feeling a little moody for almost the whole day.

25th.

Sigh.

25th.
Finally I went to order the laptop which i wanted to buy badly.
Acer TM320X. A 12 inches screen with only 15kg of weight. Integrated 1.3 megapixels camera. Nice. I love it. Small screen but i'm fine with it. As long as it's ultra-portable. =D

25th.
Saw my vietnam good pal, Anh. Finally get to see him liao..!! But he told me that i look thinner and more pale.
Something striked me when he said, "Where is the old Man Sze who is always jumping around?"
Sigh. I have no idea, Anh.

25th.
My mum has agreed to let me go for the Vietnam mission organised by NTU..!! yeah..!! (^^) so happy..!! Going overseas for voluntary mission has always been one of my dreams..!! Also, only 20 students are selected to be part of the expedition team and i am really happy that I am selected..!!

25th.
I miss 25th.
Used to do something. Something which I used to never get tired of doing it. But of course, many times when i've been busy, i've no time to do. But sometimes, juz feel this stuff which i do is not often being appreciated. Then again, no longer doing it anymore.

25th.
Think it's only me who will still have nostaglic feeling towards 25th...

Monday, October 23, 2006

(-_-) , ; ' "

many things happened within these few days.

Too many things.

After the break up.

Too many things which i have no idea where to start and how to start.


// A Price to Pay //

I'm starting to believe more in retributions and doing more good deeds.

I lost something but I'm glad I've not lost everything.

Doing more good deeds are important.

Cultivating oneself to be a person who has the minimum thoughts of greed and evilness is even more important.

Not easy to do. But it takes a lot of time and courage.


// Suicide //

Like many people say, you will never know how it really feels until you are really in the situation.

I finally realised how it feels like when one intends to commit suicide.

Be it sinking into depression.
Be it cutting oneself's wrist with a sharp pen-knife.
Be it going berserk.
Be it going to jump down from the high-stories flat.

Many of you will think that it's cos of this person's weak mental self-control and perservance.
But this mindset is wrong.

The person is not mentally or emotionally weak.
He or she is only been pushed to the edge of the cliff of life, by the constant inflow of negative circumstances.
Every negative circumstance, every threshold the person needs to hold to.
At early stage, he or she can still remain optimistic. But as such negativity piles up consistently, within a span of time, the more the person has to carry this constant piling up of threshold.
Talking to other people no longer helps to relieve the stress and depression.

Especially for those who do not open up easily to others.

It's very hard to describe to all of you how it really feels like in the process of developing the idea of suicide and implementing it.

But now, I can really feel how one of my last year's NCOC cadet has been going through in his life. I believe that at that time, he went berserk was not because he faked it. But it's because he no longer can hold the anger within himself. He did not show his berserk behaviour to his parents, most probably cos he still respects and loves his parents and had contained his anger. So when there's a source of venting anger, he will grab the opportunity. Scary for a 14yr old teen. But I feel I could understand how he feels.

To be always obeying to parents' instructions and guidance, regardless of its nature.
To be not able to do what you really want.

Trapped.
Completely trapped.

At that time, I could feel, very strongly, and till now, that being in an uniformed group is not what he actually wants. He may tell his parents how much he loves being in it. But I believe he's saying just to please his parents.

Still remembered that incident very vividly. He was afterall under my care and leadership and I see the need and responsibility to cater to their welfare. He went berserk and I was totally traumatised, even till now. I could feel his hidden anger and unhappiness. From the pictures which he uploaded in his friendster, I could feel very strongly that he is a sad and disturbed child.

And it is though this incident, i've seen the ugly side of parenting. And i often detest the idea of parenting. A parent may think what he or she has planned for the child is meant goodness, but every man is different. everyone grows up differently.

Through this incident, I've often questioned myself about the meaning of uniformed group, the meaning of instilling discipline.

Till now, I still do think of this cadet. Still wondering how he has been. I hope he is as strong as me...

Basically, the feeling of developing and implementing the idea of commiting suicide is mixed and disturbed.


// Growing Up //

After this whole incident, I feel I have grown up.

It may not be over yet.

But at least now, I could feel i've grown up.
A person who is more matured.

But a person who will be less happier.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Letter

// A letter to Atticus Darcy //

A man of honour.

A man of pride.

A man whom j'aime.

Adapted:
"From the very beginning, from the very first moment that I met you, your manners showed me your charisma, leadership and your unleashed confidence to the feelings of others. On this basis was built, by later events, an im-movable fondness. After I had known you, I felt that you were the first man in the world whom I could ever be persuaded to marry."

A man of honour.

A man of pride.

A man whom j'aime.
Forever.

But give me some time.


Loves,
Elizabeth Bennet Proctor.

Monday, October 16, 2006

(-__-) NIAP | PAIN (-__-)

// Mery Shallay's Frenkanstain //

pain.

Frankenstein told me.

The monster seems to be disappearing away from his life.

He told me he was sorry for the things which he has done to it.

He was swallowing hard.

So hard that there was no tears at all.

He knew he had hurt it deeply. So deep that nothing could heal.

Pain.

Dun ask me further.

That's all he told me.


// Fate //

Seems to be believing in more about fate.

Believe everyone who enters into your life has a story for u to write in the book of life.

Short, there are some.

Long, there are some.

Pain, there are some.

Bliss, there are some.

Somehow, i seem to believe in before-life and after-life.

Some people will be re-entering your life just to repay u in gratitude of things which u have done to them in the previous life.

You may be also entering this person's life to repay something.

Good or bad, each entrance has its meaning.

In your life, you may not be able to repay this person's goodness. But you may mish to repay in your next life.

Me? I wanna be a human again in my next life. Cos there's someone whom i wan repay to very much.

Dun ask me who. Just let me have this personal secret to myself.


// God //

Recently, i could feel that God seems to be trying to tell me something.

Some things which He is trying to ask me to re-think.

May inflict serious injuries.

Today, someone seems to start to step into my life again.
By coincidence, I met a fren.
By coincidence, when i was feeling terrible.

one may go and another steps in.

T_T when is this going to end?

God, please tell me.

This time, i really need Your guidance.

Friday, October 13, 2006

tink i'm going to undergo mild depression.

again.

i could feel myself wanting to cry. i could feel myself wanting to throw temper.

but of course, i din display all this. so no worries, people. =)

probably i dun wan to unnecessarily hurt my frens around me, so i've contained all to myself. i know any words which come out in a fit of anger will only hurt people, sometimes will even lose the relationship.

so i choose to keep to myself and write all my frustrations and saddness here.
tat's why very often, my friends, u will tend to read depressing blogs here. Please forgive me if my blogs have often depressed u too.

very often, of course, i will look out of my bedroom's windows, look out at the sky at night, and talk to Him.

Somehow i often find comfort and peace just by talking to Him. To some people, such Him may not exist. To me, He exists.

Probably mainly because He is always keeping quiet when i talk to Him. So quiet that i could pour everything out to Him. To me, He responds to my laments with a gentle cool breeze.

Because He is always keeping quiet when i lament to Him. I could feel very strongly that He is my only listening ear at this very moment.

May not at this very moment.

But forever.

He may not give me any advice. But because He just listens quietly and responds to my laments quietly, i find complete comfort and peace.

Sometimes, He will show me some hints of advice through His small yet subtle ways. i could feel wat He is trying to tell me at many ocassions.

------ **********-------------

Anyway dun worry about me. i'm feeling better now after writing this, after writing about Him. Feeling better when i'm listening to this particular music. It is a theme music from the japanese movie - "Helen the Baby Fox". Try going to its official website: http://www.helen-movie.jp

I love this piece of music. Sad but soothing. (",)
attended the IMF S2006's MOH appreciation reception..gotten a cert of appreciation..haa..nice nice..

The place was held in mount faber's safra..haa..the same restaurant where st john had held the sin-ma first aid competition. Somehow i still remembered that was the time when i first interacted with my good pal, and respected him. haa..tat was the time when i first interacted with ma'am polin and it gave me a real great deal of chill and cold sweat. haa..lucky thing, my this good pal was there and i dun feel so intimidated. phew..and that was the time when i was helping my zone to sell snacks for the competition. hmm...bring back lotsa memories...haa..

Recently, my mood has never been good, and i think i've thrown a bit of temper on my the one. sigh...dun know why too..but recently i realise myself not having much patience as i have before. Probably cos that i've overslept many times, resulting myself not able to attend my mornings' tutorials. And i was really pissed..pissed with myself. Also, spent about 20 bucks on one taxi journey to sch, juz because i woke up late AGAIn and had to rush for my french's theory test.

(-_-)

No more tuition work for me currently. all my students have finished their exams..kinda miss them though. Think this batch of students whom i've taught are easier to teach and they leave pretty good impressions on me.

One is from maris stella. Teach him higher chinese and he is always very cheeky. Always telling me jokes which i can't help myself but to laugh. Always telling me non-sensical stuff which i can't really stop him while teaching him.

The other two students are basically classmates. Both have totally extreme learning habits. One will keep a notebook and she is very hardworking. I only teach her for two months, and she's scoring well for her tests. But her basic is very unstable. Sometimes giving me high BP.
The other is very lazy but he has fast learning ability. Always scold him for not doing my homework and threatening him that i'll tell his mum about his laziness. But funny thing is, i never complain to his mum. haaa..He's also one cheeky fellow. Very often when i give him work to do, he will give me that kind of 'poor thing' look which i always tell him,"please dun give me that kind of look.i can't stand it."haa.. =p but he has his talent - still remembered that he has talent for computers. nice nice...

The last student of mine is a 'N' level student. She will do my work and I like her learning attitude. Also, she's very cute and bubbly, often cheering me up with her innocence. haa..but as a tutor, i've a responsibility, so many times i can't joke with her a lot. =( n oh ya, her mum offers me one whole crystal skin mooncake. guess what? there's one BIG chocolate in the middle of the mooncake. (^_^) wwwwoowowww....i love it..!!! haa..

Really miss these students. Wonder whether i can still teach them...

Miss my SAC girls too. Really wonder how are they. Especially one sec one girl. Can't remember her name but she's one cadet who starts to open up more after i've talked to her. She's one whom i really feel a sense of self-satisfaction.

sigh..i dun know lei..feeling a bit tired of many things now......

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Empty

je ne sais pas.

I'm feeling empty.

Have no idea why I am feeling this way.

As i talked to God juz now, I could feel myself wanting to cry.

Sometimes really want to get a Siberian husky.

Big and furry and huggable.

Though it doesn't understand what i'm talking about, it will still be my good listening ear.

At least its hug will comfort n ease me.

Anyway, no worries about me, people...

To remove that emptiness, I will chiong my studies. Chiong everything i do. Till i tire myself at the end of the day.

Lord, give me the strength.

-------- (-_-) ----------

Want to play badminton badly, all of a sudden.

Want to do smacking..haa..

Smack all my emptiness and frustrations away.

Cool. =)

happening..

A lot of things happened within these few days.

--- STORY 1 ---

Monday -

French role play test.

Late for my french tutorial again. (-_-)

Well, lucky thing i paired up with one classmate whom i am more comfortable with.

Lucky thing, I've prepared the test. The topic came up within my expectation.

A conversation between u and a french student:

Me : Bonsoir!! Comment ça va? Je m'appelle Man Sze. Vous vous sappelez comment?

My fren: Bonsoir!! Je m'appelle (my fren's name). Vous habitez òu?

Me: J'habite à singapour. Je suis singapourienne. Quelle est votre nationalité?

My fren: Je suis française. Je suis étudiante en uigénieuring. Et vous?
Me: J'etudie assusi..! Quel age vous avez?


My fren: J'ai vingt-et-un ans. Et vous?

Me: J'ai aussi..!! Quelles langues vous parlez?

My fren: Je parle français et un peu anglais. Et vous?

Me: Je parle anglais, chinois et un pey français.

My fren: ohh...Vous avez petit ami?

Me: Oui, j'ai petit ami. Il est à singapour. Et vous?

My fren: Non, je suis célibataire.

(Bell rings...)

Me: â bientot !! Au revoir !!!

MY fren: Au revoir !!!

*so how's it? hahaa...*

--- STORY 2 ---

Wednesday -

It's solid waste project presentation. And my friend and I represented our group to present our topics of research.

Waste minimasation in offices.

Choice of research venue: NTU's Student Services Centre building.

The slides were done on Tuesday and I prepared my part of presentation only on Wednesday morning.

2 hours before the presentation.

Guess what?

I believe I did well.

The class was impressed. My group was impressed. Even my tutor was impressed. He clapped at one portion of my presentation. Think he was really impressed with some ways of reusing paper which i demonstrated to the class.

=)

I knew myself I was very nervous. I knew myself that I still stammered at some words. cos I could feel my hands shivering at one instant and that it has been some time since my last presentation.

But i believe I have done well this time.

Cos think I've impressed the class that ladies can do presentations well too. I believe I have shown the guys that ladies can display their confidence on stage too. =)

Also, during the selection of group members, i did not belong to any group at all cos i did not know anyone from there. Some said they had sufficient group members, and there was one group which consisted of all guys and i think they were not very willing to take me in. They probably think I am a girl and can't contribute much.

hhaa..anyway normally i present myself to be kinda slack..always late for tutorials and lectures..haa..

You don't want take me in?

Fine.

I'll show you that you under-estimate my ability.

I'll prove you guys wrong.

And yup, I believe I did prove the guys wrong.

I believe I did prove to the class that it's a pity of not taking this blur girl into their groups.

I believe I have done my group real proud. They were utterly happy. haha..

GIRLS RULES..!!! =D

*probably cos i've been with my the one for long. I think when i presented at one moment, i could feel i'm talking like him. I could feel i displayed the confidence as how he presents himself when he talks. But of course, i'm still not as good as him. Then again, as i present along the way, i feel i could sense his presence. Probably cos during the presentation i was wearing the ring which he gave to me. *

hhaaa..DLY going to have big-time goose-pimples again..!! haaa.. XD

--- STORY 3 ---

Sad one this time.

Frankenstein could feel the sudden emptiness within him.

At that instant. Probably for long.

The monster was once mean.
It changed to the better.
But it always seems that being nice only leads to inflicting injuries upon self.
It decides to return to its dark side.

Frankenstein feels empty.

At that instant.

Probably for a long long time.