yes...it's 7 am..

and i'm still awake working on my report.

still working on the chapter of results n analysis...

realised that i had many wrong concepts after discussion with HM on friday...

Ah..got to "re-do" the analysis which was tormenting me..

oki, go sleep for a short while...my fingers are starting to disobey me and my mind is drifting and my eyes are wandering around unvoluntarily..

shall tell u more tmr or on mon..about all the most significant happenings for the past few days...

no time to write now.
Cya.

我喜欢雨天

因为

它哭着我不该流的泪。

**********************************************

Oki, me go sleep liao..very tired, no strength to type anymore...hopefully i could finish my report chapter of results n analysis... =p

"The Excalibur seeps deeper..."

was, as usual, in EERC.

This time, HM was there too..!! haha..

and yup, she agrees with me too - EERC is a great place to work in. hahah..!

oki, here're some photos..taken while we were bored...

Our work desk...
yup, as u can see, it's 10.17 pm..and we were still in EERC...

And this is my good friend, HM.

This is one of her best photos.. WHAHAHAHHA..!! =p

*****************************************************

Quarrelled with my parents over a small matter at home just now.

Not because of the grad trip, but something really small...

Got scolded of being thoughtless and blab blab blab... =(

And of course, bad temper got the worst of me and i talked back.

I'm a rebellious child at home.

Cos i realise that i cannot keep quiet over some matters. And many times, i really dislike their way of handling some things..like the way how they, especially my dad, communicate with my youngest brother..

And i detest their poor capability of managing conflicts. =((((

And of course, to them, i am never their good daughter. I am always the most rebellious one. Always fighting for all the possible "sibling rights".

"Probably it's because I'm the eldest. So I've to be the first one to go through a series of restrictions.

Probably it's because I'm restricted, so I'm rebellious."

"Dear Lord, please give me wings to fly, so that i can fly away as far and high as possible."

*******************************************

“如果你愿意 一层 一层 一层 的拨开我的心

你会发现 你会讶异

你是我最爱 最深处的秘密。”

- 杨宗伟《洋葱》

Watched the movie "The Pianist". Great movie. Love the filmography. Very heartwrecking but evoking. And definitely it's one movie which sets us thinking that there should never be another war.

"Music was his passion. Survival was his masterpiece."
- "The Pianist"

*******************************************************

Yes, the 3rd post of the day...

I'm getting a little sick of doing the report...boredom's getting the insanity of me.

same as my bro (he's helping me with the 3D drawing of all my FYP reactors, using the software Pro-E)... =p

kinda got scolded by him..cos there're all the changes and he needs to keep editing..and the editing process is very troublesome and non-user-friendly..

=p must reward my bro handsomely..it's been not easy for him..

stare at all the data the whole night..totally un-motivated to use my brain and think..all the data and graphs are freaking me out...need to give technical explanations to every significant abnormalty or trend.

Make me remind of how I was drilled by my jc biology teacher - the way of how to answer such question.

Scary.

think it's time for me to take a break, so shall wreck the ktv room's sound system tmr..
haha..maybe will sing Bon Jovi's "It's my Life" with Jas again..!! whahahaa...
Shall create havoc there, man....whahaha..!!

"I find order in chaos.
And I create chaos in order so that I can create order in chaos."
- From the 'chaotically orderistic' Mantou

ARG...GOodness me..!!

doing FYP report is starting to be a bore....

Wasn't very productive the whole day..was supposed to finish up my chapter of results and analysis, but moodiness juz got the worst of me...

Should have gone to attend my tcm lessons...I'm starting to feel worried of not attending the lesson for this whole week.. =(
One of my classmates sms-ed me once, saying that a lot of my classmates were asking for my reasons of absence. =p
Argg...i miss TCM lessons...especially the TCM diagnosis module. (T_T)

Dun feel like going for tmr's KTV session with one of my IA colleagues, Jas....
feeling a little upset..
just feel that i should have gone for my tcm lesson today...... =(
Arg...see how much i finish my report later...

Been eating a lot...think the stress got the worst of me again...sigh.

And i dun even want to teach tuition tmr..but tmr's my payday..!! sigh. Gonna drag myself there... =p

Can't wait for monday...i wanna do my work in EERC again..haha.. =p

I need a change in my working environment again... =p

AHHHH...I am so bored....!!! =((((

watched 《代你看世界》on channel U juz now..

I want to go Europe..!!! Germany ...France...AHHhH..I wanna Europe..!!

Loving Europe, man...

And in Berlin, we could even bring our pet dogs around, even in trains and resturants..! but hhaa..tax is incurred upon the dog, so gonna have high expenses there..

But i still wanna stay in Europe..!!! I wanna i wanna i wanna..!!

haa..oki, back to my FYP report...

According to Lala's time.

It's 5:23 am.

Haha..and I'm still awake.

Fully awake, should i say.

Taking a short break now.

En Fin..!!!

Announcing the current voting status of my FYP report candidates:

Candidate Introduction: 0%

Candidate Literature Review: 80%

Candidate Materials Methods: 80%

Candidate Results Analysis: 10%

Yeah..!!! Quite pleased with the current progress.

It's been a nasty period for all these candidates but the fight is still going on.

Just remember not to hurl any accusation of green pass or insufficient experience at each other.

Jiayou, candidates..!!

“平常心，平常心”

******************************************

My day spent on Good Friday hadn't been great. Working upon my FYP report for almost the whole day.

And right now, still awake. And still need to continue later in the day. Thank goodness, i am not needed to help out in my zone's first aid competition. phew.. =p

And my facial complexion is starting to deteriorate..!! PImples..!! ARG...*devastated*

"ARG! I WANT MY BEAUTY SLEEP!"

Been camping myself in my school's EERC (Environmental Engineering Research Centre)..doing my FYP report..trying to trim 20 over pages of literature review to about 10pages..?

this is ridiculous, man...we are only allowed to hand in our report worth of 40 pages...not enough for my FYP team la..!!

But like what HM says, "We are FYP students, not PHD students."

**************************************************

Been debating with HM about our side dishes to go along with our FYP reports, over the msn last night. hahaha..

The debate of "high class" and junk food.

hhaa..Oki, HM..!! These are my "high-class" food for my last night's camping session. haha..so so so impressed ah? whahahahha...!!

So glad that I dun have to worry about my dinner last night. HB brought a lot of food into the centre for us (KH, QL and me).

hhaa...so nice of HB...!! whaha..

And I was so super filled after that...whaha...

And yup, welcome to my "working desk"...!! hahaa..fully utilise the spatial beauty of the table. whaha...

Besides a PHD student in his office, I was all alone in EERC last night. Was quite pleased with the serenity of the working environment.

Was kinda 'pestered' by KH and DLY on wednesday (they were there to do their report too)...they kept reminding me of my previous r/s. made me unable to work upon my report for an hour...but ok la, at least KH apologised..haha..so for once, KH's nice la..whaha..

but i love the ambience of the EERC..it's very cosy and welcoming..!! Furthermore, it's a safe place. Dun have to worry about the laptop if I were to leave it there unattended.

**********************************************

Really hope to go overseas to work. At least I can get out of home for two years - dun have to listen to my parents' nagging and ridiculous accusations. That's one of my reasons for going out venture.

And definitely i destest of them bringing up old scores (翻旧账). Furthermore, they like to link the old scores with the current one. And they din even bother to find out more about the situation, then immmediately jump to unsupported conclusions and start hurling accusations.

Ridiculous.

"If i happened to be a parent, i make sure i'll not be like them."

Typing my thoughts in extreme hassle.

Finally done with my ENS presentation slides, though not fully completed as I need to discuss more with my 2 classmates later in the day.

ARG..! I've gotten very confused over the equations and my research student, HB, wasn't very pleased with my performance. (T___T) Guess I've disappointed him in some ways or another.

But then again, I can understand. I am seriously behind schedule. KH, subject matter (QL), and HM had completed almost over 50% of their literature review..and I've done ..... 1%...!!!

Got quite affected and stressed up just now, tat while I was talking to my dad, I kinda cried a little.

A lot of things to do, and I've not even marked my 2nd younger brother's homework. =(
And my mum even asked me whether I have looked through his tuition work, asking me for comments about the tuition work.
ARG..!
Got quite frustrated that I did not answer my parents in a polite way. Was pretty rude to them. =(

But sigh, like what HB and my dad advised me - not to go for my TCM lessons these few days. =(
Sigh...was a little reluctant to take their advice initially...but i really wanna do well in this report..so sigh, have to scarifice my TCM lessons.

I dun know why - I just enjoy attending TCM lessons. I always feel the great importance of all TCM lessons.

Some of my friends around me seem to be falling sick, and I feel I can't do anything to help them. Which makes me feel very useless and helpless.

Sigh....

I just need to tahan these few days. Shall complete the report with great determination, even if it takes me to finish up, without any proper meal for days.

However, definitely i need proper sleep.

************************************************************************

Been very forgetful these few days. It's as if I am suffering from some short-term memory loss. Was so forgetful that I was scolded by my dad on Sunday for being forgetful and inconsiderate..

I even forgot to take my handphone along with me to school yesterday. I almost thought I might have lost my handphone on the streets.

And probably it's only until then my parents realise that I am really forgetful.

I have been calculating in my mind of how to arrange and manage my time and priorities. I even dreamt of doing my FYP report.

This time, I think I am really stressed.

But I must correct my mistake of being forgetful whenever I am put under great pressure. Find my forgetfulness as a form of excuse. Otherwise such mistake might affect my performance in assessing/treating my patients if i am to graduate as a tcm practitioner in the future. Or even as an engineer.

********************************************************

OKi, what have i been doing the last weekend...

Havoc, should i say?

Saturday:

Attended a workshop in sch, and gotten myself a little dipsy and suffering from rash. =p

Followed by...

I skipped my TCM lesson cos....

3 highly eligible bachelors have jio-ed a highly eligible bachelorette for a dinner/supper in ECP.
hahhaa.. =p

Think it's my first time eating in ECP's hawker centre.

Had the famous satay bee-hoon, a big plate of chicken wings (yum yum), satay and gong gong (sea snails). YUM YUM...even though the wait for the bee-hoon was super duper long....

Din have the sea snails...kinda reminded me of those snails which I picked up and placed them in a safer travelling place.

Hhaa..nevertheless, it's been great catching up with these 3 gentlemen. Had enjoyed a lot of laughs...!! and definitely, my stress vanished instantly..! or at least at that moment.

GL, DT, SO and me..!! =D

Anyway, thanks SO for the disc..! The music are great..!!

haha..but i feel very pai seh...it's the second/third disc which i've taken from him... =p

*************************************************************************

hhaa...like what LA has sms-ed me juz now.

Shall share with all of you...

These are his words of encouragement:

"U only become stronger n wiser! =) men n women of greatness are tested all e time. =)"

haha..BRAVO, WELL-SAID..!! =)

Green Tea ice-cream which I had it with ZJ they all during the last meal gathering session.

Ta-DA..!

The second oreo cheesecake which i made, to relieve stress...

This time, it tasted better. But i still wasn't very satisfied with myself. =(

And KH has been bugging me to make cheesecake, to bring it to lab.
For days.
(-__-)

Dun know why he wanna try my cheesecake so much. Keeps using the reason of him being nice to take care of my 2 "sick" reactors for me. And keep making me feel very guilty if i were not to make cheesecake.

(-__-)

See my mood first la.

*********************************************

Been very stressful over the FYP report.

Dun like to write report..!!! =(

Think i've been very stressed recently, negative thoughts and memories keep pestering me.

ARG!!!!

Sometimes, i really hope i can suffer from some selective memory loss. Sometimes, i hate myself for having selectively good long-term memory power.

OKi, that sounds very pessimistic.

But ha..one thing i've learnt about myself from two of my frens.
"I never/hardly/rarely look stressed even if I am really stressed."

Hmm..think cos i've experienced more deadly stress before. So all these are still considered bearable and manageable to me.

oki, gonna go liao..need to 闭门修炼七七四十九天 。。。

A test tmr...

And I'm here, blogging away..

whahaha.. =p

I think i'm starting to slack..including my FYP...

I'm getting very slack, though my two reactors (my babies) which I'm going to write in my FYP report have "fallen ill" due to an experimental careless negligence.

=p

*********************************************

All i wanna concentrate now is to get a job as soon as possible.

Wanna work overseas, for 2 years.

Wanna get out of this place, for 2 years.

Feel that it's time for me to venture out.

Coping with loneliness overseas?

I'm not worried at all.
I've been used to being lonely. Even when I was attached.
Been kinda "trained" to know how to cope with loneliness and independence.

No matter what, I still wanna get out of this island.

Not just to make my resume to be more impressive.

But mainly, i just wanna get out of this place, and experience a country rich with artistic or serene culture.

With a professional camera as my sole company.
Taking photos of every moment which touches me at that instant.

And every night, sitting alone at the balcony by the window,
posting these moments and my feelings over here, to share with all of you.

Drinking a cup of hot cafe latte,
Sitting silently by the window,
Looking out,
just hoping that my inner feelings could connect with the person/people who appear in my mind at that instant...

Coming back to Singapore with an anxious longing for home,
coming back to my family who has been waiting for me,
with my mum cooking all my favourite home-cooked dishes and soups,
catching up with my younger brothers,
catching up with all my frens...

The bonds with everyone may seem to strengthen.

And probably by then, i may have grown to be a more different person -

someone who is better and more confident of herself,

ready to take up the responsibilities of being a good gf,

a good wife,

a good daughter-in-law,

or maybe even a good mother.

I really hope to experience the feel of working overseas.

"Dear Lord, please grant me a pair of wings so that I can fly, fly higher and further."

****************************************************

Think it's been a long time since i'm home for dinner with my family.

My mum cooked one of my favourite Cantonese soups. =)

Wanna learn how to cook home-dishes...cos i wanna my future family to experience the same blissful feeling as me.

"Probably, this is what a family is."

=)

****************************************************

Hmm..

Have you ever looked at your parents from their backs?
Or probably look at them when they are reading something?

Once, I saw my dad reading something.

Just watched him silently at that moment. For a short moment.

Realise how much white hair he has grown.
Reaslise that he has started to put on a pair of glasses.

Once, too,
I watched my mum silently.

Realise that she has more wrinkles on her face.
Realise that there is white hair on her head.

My parents have started to grow old.

Probably that's why I hate seeing medicine in the kitchen.
Bottles of medicine. regardless of its size.

Cos this seems to me that my parents are starting to grow old and their health may not be as good as they used to.

I dun know whether any of you do notice or realise the same thing as me.

But probably all of you could try.
Watching your parents silently.

And we will know how much time we have often lost/neglected in building a strong bond with them, just cos we are too preoccupied with our own agenda.

"Family is the basis of love."

*************************************************

I'm still loving to study TCM. =)

Though it's been tough trying to meddle with both degrees now, I can still find the synergy.

"I'm glad I've found Goal and Passion again."

Think it's been an extremely tiring day for me. Been working on my resume and cover letter again.

And i dislike online job application. So many categories to fill in.
(^*%$(!&@(*&%^&%#@IGEIOWYT(&!(^!*^@!(&)(^!)@%

=(

Guess i've a new stress therpy.

To make cheesecakes.

Currently, my task is to make a relatively nice oreo cheesecake - with the right mixture of oreo and cheese.

And of course, gonna work upon the presentation of the cake. whahaha.. =p

Hmm..kinda make myself sound lousy at making desserts. =p

But probably at least i find motivation in making a nice cheesecake. Jac has made her request of wanting to try mine. haa..

Made oreo cheesecake for the second time today.
Still can't find Philadelphia Cheese.. =(
So had bought a type of cheese whose ingredients seem close to Philadelphia Cheese's. Been doing some short research on the different types of cheese and their respective uses.

haha..sound like i've assigned to myself another Final Year Project (FYP) to do.

But sigh.. =( still wasn't very satisfied.
Though i've not tried the cake yet. =p
Think will try Starbucks' cheesecake in the future. Need to find out what makes a good cheesecake.

Arg...where's Philadelphia Cheese?!!!

**************************************************************

// Just some midnight sentimental thoughts //

For some anonymous reasons, I just feel happy when I feel I can do something which can cheer up people around me. Or i can do something which can make a positive difference in others' lives.

Putting others' happiness before mine.

However..

sometimes..i just feel i've neglected my own happiness.

And i learn that such negligence has a great price to pay.

I've paid once.

Hurt a lot.
But, ya.

(Dun wannna brood upon the old memories again).

(probably as a result, i've learnt to be more selfish nowadays.)

It feels great to sit in Starbucks.

Undisturbed.

With a cup of hot Cafe Latte,

a plate of Starbucks's Uglier Curry Puff (it's very yummy) ,

my laptop Lala,

while listening to jazz (the sound system was right below my seat).

hahhaa..nice nice nice...!!

I'm loving the every moment I spent my private time.

But guess it will be better if I could get to spend such quiet time with someone unique. Arg..whatever......(juz some casual thoughts)

And i love the customer service provided by Century Square's Starbucks. The people are really very friendly and polite. Jus simply make my evening session a brightful one. =)

Furthermore, the cafe plays jazz....ahhhhh... =))))

Got to see different types of people, and different types of couples, just by sitting there alone and silently... hahaa..

Felt so much relaxed even though I was reading up my FYP literature review.

And I simply love jazz. =)

Wednesday, 5th March:

Made no-bake oreo cheesecake for HM...

Wanted to give her a big surprise initially, but.....

KH let the cat out of the bag... (-__-)

hhaa..but HM gave me the feedback that the cake tasted pretty nice. LOL. =D

But making this cheesecake hasn't been easy. Can't find the particular brand's cream cheese and i ended up woking up early to travel almost the whole of Bedok, in search of this ingredient.

Decide to focus on making cheesecakes of different flavours. haha..cos think a number of my friends like to cheesecakes.. =p so in case if they make any request of wanting to try my home-made no-bake cheesecakes, then i can handle the requests more efficiently.

wahaha...sounded as if all my friends wanna try my cooking.. =p

But it does feel nice when the guys, especially HB and KH, keep asking to try my cheesecake..haha..at least i've some voluntary "guinea pigs"..whahahhahaha...!!

*****************************************

Going to be even more busy these few days.

Gonna try my FYP draft. ARG..!

I've not even started on anything when it's going to be due by 19th march..!!!

ARG...stupid idiot me.....!! =(

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HM..!!!!!!

There will be a BIG SURPRISE awaiting you tomorrow..!! =D

********************************************

hhaaa..FINALLY..!

The whole hoo-ha between the subject matter and me has finally finally come to a full-stop.

Yup, after talking to him about his hall play production, after finding out about his comments about the play, I even more confirm that he is not my cup of tea.

And

even KH is starting to believe my intuition about something which i've mentioned to him before.

Haa..see?

I am even more confident of my own intuition now.

And well, we'll see how things go. haha..i just keep quiet, not mentioning anything over here, and

"Let nature do its work." =)

*********************************************

But at that instant, the knowledge of my intuitive instinct has seemed to me a little dangerous.

Often, I fear this knowledge.

But then again,
I treasure this knowledge.

Maybe this is God's gift for me?
A gift to guide me along?
To protect me along the path of my life?

"Trust the voice within"
- Christina Aguilera's "The Voice Within"

*********************************************

Met up with LA for lunch. Been great catching up with him again, though i've to rush for a tutorial.

It's always nice to have conversations with him.

"My day's been made brighter and more optimistic."

***********************************************

Still thinking about the hall production. Trying to find some reasons to convince myself that it may still worth that $15.

Sigh.

After all attempts and efforts.

Reasons,

or even excuses,

I find naught.


Managed to find out more about the play "Nobody Nose". It's a modern day version of a french play "Cyrano de Bergerac" which was written in 1897 by Edmund Rostand based on the real life of the real Cyrano de Bergerac, and an adaptation of this short play "BIG NOSE (The Modern Day Cyrano".

You could check it out over here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrano_de_Bergerac_%28play%29

Have managed to find the script to this french play. Realised that that's the style of how the play is protrayed - short crisp, often witty, exchanges of conversation among the characters. And definitely the quality of the dialogues is better.

And have managed to watch a clip of the movie version of "Cyrano de Bergerac" over youtube.com.
This play can be good.

But ah...the play which i watched last night still disappointed me greatly, and now it may disappoint me more. Cos it seems to me that this french play has been positively and greatly received. It's even an academic module to be studied in a literature class.

Thank goodness, I'm not going lab tmr and HM shall share her experience with the subject matter. hahaa..yeahh...

**********************************************

My this new student, WJ, who is WC's younger bro, is another cute student.

Enjoy teaching him. Laughed at all his silly ridiculous excuses.

haha..and as for WC, haha..he's a naughty one. Occassionally smiling cheekily at his younger bro.

**********************************************

Met up with ZJ they all..!! =D it's been great to have met them..!! haha..

And haa..going to meet them soon again..! so excited..!! =D

************************************************

Went for the subject matter's hall play production with HM, Jac and S. Managed to persuade them to go with me..whahaaa...

BUT...

sigh..what can i say about the play "Nobody Nose"?........

Here's the feedback collected from the 3 of them so far..

"Plot very stupid." "No plot" "Dun know what's going on" "weak plot"

Sigh.

Well...what can i say........hahaha...

Gonna think of how to say in a nicer way. =p
but then again, think the subject matter might guess that i will not be satisfied with the play.

But sigh.....my personal opinions of the play...so..ya..
1. Weak plot - There is little depth overall. It's just a simple plain romantic comedy. The plot development is poor.

2. Weak dialogue - The dialogues by each character show little depth, even though it is a comedy. It seems to me that the more dialogues they have for each character, the better to present this play. Which i feel that that is not necessarily true. I know I shouldn't be expecting Shakespeare humour. But oh well...

3. Weak character development - Couldn't see much of how each character develops through the play.

4. Weak acting skills - Only 2 people act pretty naturally and well. The rest....sigh...basically almost of them are crouching their backs. Which displays the vulnerability of their acting confidence. One of them din really use her heart to perform the character which she is playing, i can feel the inconfidence and restrain in her acting.

5. Considerably wrong arrangement for the interval - basically the 15 mins interval was arranged JUST PRIOR TO the ending of the play. I was like WOW.

6. Lack of climax build-up - Each scene transition is not well built-up and designed to create any specific climax. It just simply leaves the audience caught unpleasurely un-expected for its "hanging in the air" climax.


But well, one good thing about the play is - it's a comedy and i did laugh at most of the jokes. so ya....
And my favourite scence will be the opening scene. And that's all.

So you see? I really need to think of how to say all these to the subject matter in a less aggressive and more polite manner...

Cos really when I came out of the threatre, i was basically

"$*!&@R&E^)*YT*Q()*!@^#HWB_)(!)&(&^!*@!R^%$9284-7654265(*!_&^*%#87^!*%#^!%#&@*^$#$%#$#@!%$$%(*)_(**^%$%$#@$wyghkjbvhfd^$#$*())%$%#@!$%$%(*)+_^%"

yup.

Thank goodness, the subject matter din ask me for comments about the play on the spot. Otherwise i really ratter the terrible but true truth to him.

And this is my first time when I dun have to feel tired due to prolonged and enormous applause.

***********************************************

Something good happened to KH. hahaa..happy for him.

Read a ridiculous girl (not my fren)'s blog. It just gets my blood boiling. Feel like giving her a hard smack down. Super ridiculous of this ridiculous girl. And ya, she's a GIRL, though this GIRL is one year OLDER than me.

***********************************************

Anyway managed to find the script for the play "Nobody Nose".

http://www.geocities.com/pocolocoplayers/cyrano.html

Been habouring a lot of thoughts and worries inside my mind.

Family responsibilities, which i keep feeling that it seems i'm the only one who is having such a problem. Being the eldest among my siblings, many times, i just feel being tired of being the eldest. It's like I feel so different from the rest who are the eldest sibling.

There is a little tinge of 'jealousy' that they can go out and enjoy as much as they can. Gotten quite affected when the subject matter (who is the eldest sibling in his family too) told me that i must enjoy as much as i can, must experience many new things as much as possible.

Yet for me, I'm like fufillling some domestic KPI (Key Performance Indicator).

And by trying to keep up with the KPI, including my personal KPI, it's like working non-stop, 24-7. Even when I want to take a break, I can receive complaints from the boss (my parents).

So basically, my performance appraisals haven't been very good.

I also want to stay out late, I also want to enjoy life as much as I can.

But I just feel very restricted. And many times, I just feel extremely tired. Tired of being the eldest.

**********************************************

It hadn't been easy for me to step into that place.

Really.

But I guess it's time for me to face this 'fear'. Cos the more i run away from it, the more i feel fearful of it.

***********************************************

Meeting the S5 girls tomorrow..! yeah..! Can't wait to see them...! =)

***********************************************

It seems that a number of nasty things happened to friends around me.

Really hope that everything'll go on fine...

***********************************************

Going to lab tmr...

I'm becoming mentally and emotionally exhausted.