(-_-) , ; ' "

many things happened within these few days.

Too many things.

After the break up.

Too many things which i have no idea where to start and how to start.


// A Price to Pay //

I'm starting to believe more in retributions and doing more good deeds.

I lost something but I'm glad I've not lost everything.

Doing more good deeds are important.

Cultivating oneself to be a person who has the minimum thoughts of greed and evilness is even more important.

Not easy to do. But it takes a lot of time and courage.


// Suicide //

Like many people say, you will never know how it really feels until you are really in the situation.

I finally realised how it feels like when one intends to commit suicide.

Be it sinking into depression.
Be it cutting oneself's wrist with a sharp pen-knife.
Be it going berserk.
Be it going to jump down from the high-stories flat.

Many of you will think that it's cos of this person's weak mental self-control and perservance.
But this mindset is wrong.

The person is not mentally or emotionally weak.
He or she is only been pushed to the edge of the cliff of life, by the constant inflow of negative circumstances.
Every negative circumstance, every threshold the person needs to hold to.
At early stage, he or she can still remain optimistic. But as such negativity piles up consistently, within a span of time, the more the person has to carry this constant piling up of threshold.
Talking to other people no longer helps to relieve the stress and depression.

Especially for those who do not open up easily to others.

It's very hard to describe to all of you how it really feels like in the process of developing the idea of suicide and implementing it.

But now, I can really feel how one of my last year's NCOC cadet has been going through in his life. I believe that at that time, he went berserk was not because he faked it. But it's because he no longer can hold the anger within himself. He did not show his berserk behaviour to his parents, most probably cos he still respects and loves his parents and had contained his anger. So when there's a source of venting anger, he will grab the opportunity. Scary for a 14yr old teen. But I feel I could understand how he feels.

To be always obeying to parents' instructions and guidance, regardless of its nature.
To be not able to do what you really want.

Trapped.
Completely trapped.

At that time, I could feel, very strongly, and till now, that being in an uniformed group is not what he actually wants. He may tell his parents how much he loves being in it. But I believe he's saying just to please his parents.

Still remembered that incident very vividly. He was afterall under my care and leadership and I see the need and responsibility to cater to their welfare. He went berserk and I was totally traumatised, even till now. I could feel his hidden anger and unhappiness. From the pictures which he uploaded in his friendster, I could feel very strongly that he is a sad and disturbed child.

And it is though this incident, i've seen the ugly side of parenting. And i often detest the idea of parenting. A parent may think what he or she has planned for the child is meant goodness, but every man is different. everyone grows up differently.

Through this incident, I've often questioned myself about the meaning of uniformed group, the meaning of instilling discipline.

Till now, I still do think of this cadet. Still wondering how he has been. I hope he is as strong as me...

Basically, the feeling of developing and implementing the idea of commiting suicide is mixed and disturbed.


// Growing Up //

After this whole incident, I feel I have grown up.

It may not be over yet.

But at least now, I could feel i've grown up.
A person who is more matured.

But a person who will be less happier.