Finally the conference is over and from tomorrow onwards will be free and easy!! WOoh!

Hmm..a little self-reflection of my performance..hmm..have to admit that i'm not handling well yet, still trying to adjust myself to the new environment and trying to figure out my new boss's expectations, and also trying my best to interact well with colleagues..in addition, a lot of technical terms which i have been trying to get myself to learn..

learning curve is steep, well, have to admit that this curve seems to be steeper than the previous one, kinda feeling a little stressed out and lost once in a while..particularly because in my previous job, I was already attuned to the environment since internship, so even on my first day, i was very comfortable working.

Well, have told myself before - i have made the decision to step out of the comfort zone, the start is never easy, so now i need to be even stronger to survive in this tentative challenge zone - just need to push myself a lot further..! Looking at the postive angle, it's good that there is a push/pull factor to get myself move more proactively.

Mantou, you have done it before! So now, you can do it!!! Prove yourself that you are worth the employment!!! SHINE MANTOU SHINE...!! ROAR..!!

Anyway been feeling better these few days..just had a dinner with AG and his friends too..tried to watch my behaviour..

Left one week!! Think have not had enough rest...haha..but excited for my new work and going to head to Taipei for business trip! =)

Oh ya, went to USS with AG the previous week! After 2 years plus, this is our very first outing!! And we tried the roller coaster, it was crazy fun!! The food is pretty awesome too but the price is hmm.... Think the USS isn't as great as Disneyland, but having AG as company is wonderful!!

Don't know why..I am still not feeling at my best today, even though AG told me not to worry about yesterday's incident..somehow, the intuition tells me that i still need to worry, be prepared for the worst..you may get replaced by another girl who is better than you. Anyway DMT, you have no talent in this area. Accept it if that day comes. You may be good in many other things but probably this is the something your life will be compromised. You are not a keeper.

Sigh. keep feeling that this incident is a ticking time bomb for me...

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Somehow out of the blue, at times, i keep thinking whether i am smart or stupid...i feel myself very stupid when i am at a total loss or i am not performing to others' expectation..but yet again, i feel that i should be smart, otherwise how can i manage so many things right now?

It can get kinda scary when you are sitting on the roller coaster which can give you dips of high and low confidence level, because in the end, you get yourself lost and confused, not knowing what you actually are.

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A good morning to start off for National Day - went to watch Harry Potter finale..

But not a good night to end it off...was on a defense mode while having social awkwardness at the same time, and as a result, out of my defense mechanism, i gave a gentle slap on AG's face when he tried to kiss me on my cheeks in front of his friends..yes, it was wrong of me to slap him, even if it's a gentle one..at that moment, it was so sudden, my mechanism triggered the "fight" mode and i had made the worst mistake a girlfriend should not make. He was annoyed and i later realise that i've just embarrassed him.

Explanations..sigh, can't say much, i can't explain that too..i only knew during the dinner, i was socially awkward, i was shy and quiet - all the comfort i could seek of was the NDP show and the steamboat dinner which i just kept munching away..

i was at fault..so sigh, oh well, if AG were to want the end of this r/s, i know i deserve it and should not cry over spill milks..

Once again i've screwed up, just that this time is in a complete different form.

The alternative for this, i need to run away - avoid meeting AG's friends for their gathering sessions. Each session, i do not behave like myself and involuntarily my social mind sets at its defense mechanism, fights back when it gets threatened.

Somehow i guess i need to get myself mentally and emotionally prepared for the worst. i am aware that i do not have the physical asset and now, my behaviours are unacceptable..

I am a total screw up in relationships.