over

it's over..but it's a new chapter of my life with him...
i lied to him n it's very very heart-breaking..i only treat tat guy as a friend cos he doesn't have all the qualities which i'm looking for and he has. he doesn't know this at all til date.
i thought going out is just a friend-friend thingy. he flared up n i found great difficulty in explaining to him. It's been on and off for almost the whole semester. Different guys, different arguments.
but he doesn't want to get married n he once said somethin which hurt me lot. the latest time for a break-up will be when he's in yr 1 n i'm in yr 3. he thinks reality comes before anything else. maybe he wants to know more girls there without restrictions. well, i have granted him.
he has one yr to recover. he has three yrs to know more girls. i might have a life to regret.
dun think i can find guys who can be better than him in NTU. all r fr engineering n think most of them r quite square. he can find better girls next time n tat girl will be more persuasive than i am. tat girl will change his concept of marriage i just can't.
well, at least, currently i can still call him. i hate it when he keeps asking me about tat friend. i have to lie. everytime i lie, my tears just come down. it's very heart-breaking to do.
first time i realise how tiring and heart-breaking is to lie to a person.
i need to work. work work work til i fall dead...!! i've been stoning these few days n it's very tiring.
but somehow, he seems to treat me better now. sigh, but y then he treats me better now? sigh...nevermind...watever...
simplicity has its own complications.
everyone in wushu only knows tat we break cos i like another person. but tat's not true.
i have to keep this secret forever. it hurts whenever i think about this.
well my plan now is..
i only tell this secret to my four very good friends, anh and gary. In the future, i still let people know i'm attached. No guy will know i'm pretending cos i'll act like one. tat guy will only know my pretence when he's better than or equally good as him. i dun want any rship.
i'm tired n i have no more faith in rship anymore.
he never reads blog cos he finds it stupid.
i keep this blog on-going is not only that zhijia helps me design this. but it's also cos i'm paving an alternative pathway to let him know my daily life when we break.
but well, maybe this'll be one which i vent out my inner frustrations.
i miss him....really really a lot..