Wait is my recent habit and disappointment is my current constant mental feed. Sigh.

Terrible cough i am having...coughing very badly during work today and really wish I could have the money to just see a doctor get a mc and rest at home...

the whole afternoon was tough to get through..having some fainting spells, coughing badly, feeling weak and trying hard to look through the figures..it's a hard struggle..

AG was very sweet and nice..he fetched me to the toa payoh clinic where i seeked for tcm..went to see my teacher..had gone to see the western doctor earlier on on sunday, but as expected i know the doctor has no idea how to treat it, cos mine is not typical cough - phelgm, sorethroat, etc.

hopefully i can get well by friday!!! i'm going to be busy on weekend!!

Sick, I'm finally sick!

My entire body system just collapses completely. Keep coughing very badly especially when I lie on the bed..especially last night...terrible night to get through before i went to cook some ginger soup to drink..thank goodness i went to the clinic at night to get a medical cert..had extremely good rest today..

anyway shall not talk..still feeling fatigue after all the rest..

Finally things have been straightened between AG and me..haha..and the Sunday was very well-spent with him. Just by hanging out and lazing with him feels oh so good! =]

My bro is safe in Japan, safe from the terrible earthquake..I was so worried that he could not survive..first he can't swim, so assumingly the first instinct is probably worrying about not knowing how to swim..second he has never been educated in surviving all these natural disasters, so really have to play by the ear.

Let's pray for Japan's well-being.

2 weeks of wait, and still in vain. Sigh.

Today was a rather unsettling day..

Din get to talk much to AG..i mean at least he called and msged me once in a while..but i kept feeling very unsettled and uncomfortable...like there's an omen....

but anyway AG din have a good day today at work - facing some bad moments in office...while i was busy in the morning, first-time experienced media site visit and goodness me, i felt so noob, inexperienced and passive...i felt lousy about my performance today....

from time to time, somehow whenever i was left alone, i could feel myself thinking the discussion last night and the pessimistic feeling just keeps banging onto me which makes me tear...

i am feeling very afraid and unsettled...dun know i keep feeling that he's trying to avoid me in a way.......it just feels distant, scary and once again unsettling....... :'(

Having a terrible headache now after all my silent tearing in my room..

I am very exhausted from all my sobbing and negative thoughts...

I really wish AG is the one for me, but I'm scared that things will go the other way round...

I'm a girl who believes in marriage. I'm a girl who has hope and faith in her marriage. I'm a girl who wants to give all her heart and soul in her marriage, always wanting to build a photo album of lasting memories with her husband, despite of the past failed relationship/s she has. Because she knows for this man has the courage to walk through the lives together, to build happiness together, who is willing to wait with her for all good things to happen.

This is my belief in marriage. Pretty naive ah? But it's a little candle of hope she is holding it tightly and always reminding herself to have faith in God.

I am still loving AG. I feel he is great, he really makes me feel very happy and blessed, keep making me feel very strongly that he might be the one who will give me the courage to walk through the aisle of life and I can picture very strongly of all the happy times spent together in a marriage life, it's something which I have never felt before...I'm wailing to wait for him as long as I can hear and feel his assurance that he wants to walk the aisle with me...and of course as long as my expiry date is not up yet.

But as for Now I keep feeling very lousy of myself...

Once again, I'm stuck in my paranoia and self-condemnation.

The same issue of travelling overseas together before marriage is brought again, and this time, it is different - I couldn't make it happen, as such approval needs to come from my parents. I know I am already 26 this year and I am still listening to my parents..but i've no courage to get into huge conflicts with my parents again..and i keep hoping that the wait can last till i get married..but dun know why i keep feeling such wait has its limit and may not last till marriage....

I start the same behaviour again - ask AG if he wants to hang out with other girls who can go overseas with him during dating period.

I know myself that I am very lousy gf to AG...i can't go overseas now with him......I am really really very lousy to the core....

but i also want to leave the best memory to my husband...but why it just seems so far to me...and that i'll not be married..yeah, every girl wants to get married, just a matter of time and her eligibility.

I am the worst girlfriend ever :'( I can't even grant a simple wish....

Went to office to finish up some of my backlog..realise that it can be a very comforting working environment on a Sunday afternoon - there's lotsa freedom =)

really wish weekends end slow..i need that weekend rest before kicking off the new week.

Next weekend is one crucial moment..gonna be even busier than the past few weeks!

Been very busy lately...but somehow I have been feeling motivated and of course challenged in a manner..

Finally for today, I managed to squeeze a morning out to interact with my officers, to understand more and together with my colleague, trying our best to help them in any way in their course of work.

It seems that there are always loopholes in every system, and people are constantly working towards perfecting it..or to be realistic, only some are working hard to become the top-notch problem solvers and solution executors.

For the past few weeks, upon self reflection in my work place, this comes to my mind, not yet a conclusion - it is easier to be a solution provider than to be the executor.

In the world, there are an university of solutions available, but it is up to us who make the decisions to execute these solutions.

Sometimes I can just feel myself being noob in executing solutions, I may have plenty of solutions to many problems, but how I need to go about executing them, I feel I am still relatively inexperienced.

Recently I've been given a pretty strong dosage of work adrenaline and independence. I have to admit I am liking such independence although such can get me really uptight and stressed up. Guess it's time for the baby eagle to start flapping her wings and getting herself up everytime she falls. :)

Happy new year, everyone!! haha..so how's your 4.5 days of rest been?

haha..well well well...I've been eating non-stop..haha..and so i've gained back that 1 kg..Booo hoooo...

anyway i still have some time before the day when i need to wear the bride maid dress..i need to look good in those photos!

been very busy, as usual..shall blog more..recently i've been facebooking more than blogging..hahaha..

Been exercising..realise that my stamina and strength have deteriorated a lot! Gosh..but have been trying to avoid eating too much carbo..and things seem to be working.. =) recently been feeling that my working pants don't feel too tight as compared to previously.

went for kickboxing on sat and another exercise session on fri..my legs are super sore now..goodness me..so tiring but highly motivated..but at the same time, i need to make sure that my health is maintained well, no illness throughout the year..

was pretty proud of myself about my health record last year - only 2 days of MC last year, and i was relatively healthy throughout..even if for colds, i managed to get myself recovered within a night or few hours.

so this year, my health record target is to lose weight and stay healthy at the same time.

and for this year's xmas gift, i am going to get myself prime lens for my camera..been reading up thee few days, kinda motivated to get this type of lens..will need to think through over these few months..haha..

hopefully my work this coming week will not be as hectic as last week..

Work is a havoc..it was a nagging week for me..i started to feel exhausted..especially when i received an email and the few initiatives I tried to roll out are not effective enough..i'm starting to feel a little demoralised..

was tied up with many items these few weeks..i have completely neglected the HR issue of my officers..wanted to help them but i was so tied up with many things in HQ..i felt i myself could not move things..i need the strong support from my 2 senior officers to help make things possible.

i need to admit that i am weak now, i need help.

i realise that i am still not happy. i still feel i need a change. sigh.

Finally I have made the decision to sign up membership at Amore fitness centre. And went for my first lesson today..pretty tiring just for the stretchfit lesson..but it feels good. i need to lose weight more.

Not really looking forward to this week's work..a lot of work to do..but need to tahan tahan tahan!!!

AG picked me up after my lesson ends today..yeah..wonder is it because his parents ask him to do so..hahaha..

Anyway some more, AG and I came to this conversation topic - of what is my score in his eyes..so he told me that i was 7.5 out of 10 and added that i top the other girls..hmm..as for being the top, i dun really care much because he knows himself he has to put me at the top..but i am actually not very pleased with my own scorecard..personally i am not very satisfied. 7.5 means there is 2.5 marks missing, which indicates i still have a relatively big room of improvement. Currently the only thing i can think to improve is my body shape - to lose great deal of weight. to look skinny, to put on make up and do my hair, change the way how i dress up..

these few days have been relatively tough..i realise myself trying to control myself from taking in too much carbohydrates..i need to be more aggressive in my diet..to go on low-cab diet and be more picky in my food selection..i need to eat no matter what, otherwise going on hunger strike will only damage my stomach which is very harmful to health.

ZJ's wedding is this year, and i need to tone up my arms..slim down my legs as much as possible..so that i can look nice and on top of that, i can score more than 7.5....!!

This year is my "Walk the Talk" year.

Work as usual is piling up and I totally find hard to breathe..headache headache..trying to make things work out smoothly but seems that things still do happen..haha..

wonder why my boss has not approved my off in lieu yet!!! have submitted via the system last week and this week sent an email to her..but seems that she's not approving it.. (T__T) start to have this feeling that i need to finish up the crucial items first and let her know that I've finished my work...sigh...

It's only my first day of school and I'm feeling that I want to break down..6 modules this semester..and I still need to revise my basic to firm up my foundation..

And I realise that I'm starting to talk to myself again..I'm only afraid that I might be reaching the climax of my stress tolerance level..

I know my condition because I remembered talking to a frog during my JC period..I was so stressed up that I really wished for a listening ear and emphatic heart. But I felt very alone managing that stress during that time.

Right now, I can feel almost the same way..but gonna think of ways to keep myself sane.

I'm thinking to take up yoga.

Didn't have an excellent xmas morning to start off..went to golf course with AG and his 2 other guy friends..i have all sorts of terrible shots, my mood was highly affected by all the basic hits i couldn't achieve unlike those which i hit at the range..it was horrible..i got pissed off and i started pulling long faces throughout the whole course.

Seriously it wasn't me ..and i have to admit that i did not manage my emotions well enough..i was so affected that i couldn't hide the expressions..i felt very left alone during the entire course..i knew at that moment, i needed to be independent but i could not control myself feeling very lonely and un-motivated. it's a terrible 2 hours which i had to go through myself. 2 hours of no one motivating me, telling me that it's alright...and many times i can feel very strongly that his 2 friends were mocking or doubting me behind my back..

it was an extremely terrible feeling. i felt like crying but i had to control cos i had already expressed my frustration on my face.

all i knew that i was extremely lonely and just wished for a caring and understanding heart towards my terrible shots...but i guess i need to take this experience as a training for myself that i need to be more independent in managing my own emotions..

anyway i decide that for the time being, i shall not join them..and i guess they wouldn't want me to join in given my performance today..so i just gonna give myself time to practise more and hit the golf course myself to learn to manage the stress. once i am ready, i can just kick the guys' ass and show them that i am not that terrible as they will think of.

i really hate to lose in a un-glam manner.

Had a xmas gathering with ZJ they all..love all the presents which I receive this year!!

Upon self-reflection, i decide to have a resolution for year 2011 - improve on my social skills. To speak kinder words (i realise i've been rather critical in my words when i open my mouth to talk), to practise my smile (i realise i've this habit of wanting to smile and yet not smiling, it feels almost like a fake smile which will give the incorrect message to others), and to learn to have fun (i realise i'm too serious).

half day tomorrow, yeah~! =D

It's a sad post.

Hmmm...realise that i feel i am not ready, still..i'm not ready to travel overseas with AG..to me, it's like one big milestone in the relationship..AG's not ready for marriage and seems not to believe in one, so i am kinda afraid that if things didn't turn out well, i will feel ...i don't know..i only feel loss of faith..

went to seek the divine advice..

well, asks me to be at ease and peace without bothering for change, asks me to be patient and my success will come eventually..

shall take the advice at the moment. Well at least i feel more peace with myself...

finally i have done the xmas shopping spree for the s5 girls xmas gathering and my colleagues' xmas celebration! hmm..think this time, the gifts should be better than last year's..haha..

had a good evening outing with myself just now. hang around at tamp's starbucks, watching shows, drinking coffee..basically slacking around with my favourite coffee brand. =)

feel a lot better now...

just got my clinical attachment schedule for the new semester..yeah!! my first mentor is my favourite mentor for the internal medicine module. he is extremely good..every time there is always a long queue of patients and i always get to learn many cases from him..trying to pick up his thread of thoughts during his diagnosis and medicine prescription, etc..i even recommend to my mum and she even compliments for the effectiveness of the medicine prescribed to her. i'm glad to hear that.

I inspire to be like this mentor in the future..this is my life goal =)