NCOC

finished my ncoc camp on sunday! so tired..!! really..i am completely very tired..tired of scolding my cadets, tired of pumping them, tired of having to act like an officer.. -.-
well, the first day was kicked off pretty well, but the most traumatising moment happened in the evening..one of my platoon's cadets, ernest, almost fainted during the fire drill exercise. He was almost completely blacking out n i was very extremely worried for him. It was later found out that he was actually physically okay; simon n hansong started to suspect that he was putting up an act. As for me, i juz had this feeling that he wasn't lying to me..
the second day kicked off with me pumping my Elite platoon. Kind of disappointed with the girls cos they were not helping each other..probably they thought tat i was a very mean person..sigh..i was juz too disappointed with them la..later, in juz not a few mins, i was hit terribly with one of my cadets' behaviour. Heard he had gone berserk n was trying to kick hansong n chin seng who were trying to stop his 'fits'. Later he was screaming n crying..somehow or rather, i juz wanna sent him home..i felt very heartbroken when i heard him scream n cry..i was very very disappointed with myself of not taking good care of my cadets..at that point in time, i knew i almost wanna burst out crying but i held back my tears. Till now, i am still fighting with myself over this matter.
Probably to u, it's a nothing much. maybe he is really putting up an act. i have no idea now. i only know that he comes under parental obligation n he hates it - i know n i can understand why he will react in that manner. A young kid like him shouldn't have gone through all these things. He's really scaring me off that day.. during these few days, i've been praying silently to God to protect n bless him..i juz hope he dun do those again..really..it really hurts me to see him in that state.. =(
well, the camp still went on well. i heard that i was deemed to be a pretty fierce officer n erm..i am speechless..those who know me as a friend know tat i have a very good temper..sigh..well..i have to act like an officer on the training ground la...
then, somehow or rather, i dun know whether my Elite cadets like me or not..cos i know myself to be quite a mean person these few days. maybe i am really a bit harsh on them, cos i realise i am training them in almost the way of what derek, my SAC seniors n OTC have trained me..
this ncoc could be my first n my last nco platoon i am going to lead. i am not very active in zone n i only come for this nco course cos i am asked to substitute one of my junior officers. anyway i am still wondering whether i am a good leader..cos for the past few days, i am trying to show my cadets to learn to work hard n play hard..well, dun think all of them r aware of.. sigh..cos i think i am really very mean to them..
i really miss my Elite ppl..i miss the times when i get to tease the SJI boys..haha..think there's still tat SAC spirit in me..i miss the campfire when i can get to have fun with some of the Elite girls..i miss the water war..but i juz have this bad feeling tat this could be my last time to see them le.. T_T i wanna cry now.........