tink i'm suffering from mild depression..having been tinking positively negative about myself..paranoid over everything..
probably i have no idea how to handle my sad emotions..can't find anyone to talk about my problems, my worries..in fact, tink it's that i dun wan to find cos i dun wan others to feel the same as me after hearing from mine..maybe, u will ask me to look for dennis..hahaaa...na, dun bother..he has his problems now..n also, i know wat i'll be hearing from him..haha..so na..
still this place will be an almost ideal place for me to vent out..
again, i need to say this - dun have take everything i say here to heart.
realise i can't tell people tat i'm a teochew. why?tink i'll be condemned n mocked. i can't speak, i can't understand a word, n i dun know anything about being a teochew. food tat my family cooks, they juz dun look teochew-style. great, i'm deemed to be a cantonese cos i speak the language. i speak the language not cos i'm a cantonese, but cos i'm fr hong kong. all people from hongkong speak cantonese, no matter who they are - teochew, hainanese etc..
well, ok fine. i'm not a teochew.
tink have overworked myself..need a break probably. but even if i'm free, i've no idea what to do. ok, then it'll be best if the situation remains like this. at least i know i can get myself so busy until i forget my own worries. tink this should be the way for me to handle the emotional inbalance in me.
tis's a problem of a cancerian - emotions analogous to the fluid mechanics' moody diagram.
initially i thought i'm feeling better. probably i was wrong. or maybe due to wat happened this evening. i was being 'reprimanded' by dennis for me being silly naive n sheltered. but it's not his fault..i am one such person. tat's why he's so worked up. i'm sorry.
tink i need a conversation with God.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Everything's fine again... =)
25th Sept.. 3rd year anniversary for dennis n me.. hee =)
Well, everything becomes fine again. think it's really due to the effects of PMS, i've subsided from the mild depression. I met Dennis today n it've been a great day.. =) maybe it's only when i get to see him, then i feel much better..hee..
Anyway, Dennis had a small talk with me juz now. He've read my that super duper depressing blog n had a bit of chat with me. Hmm..not really a bit la, but it's juz tat he helped me clear my doubts n worries. Well, feeling much better now..i almost cried when he said to me that it's me whom he likes.. T_T i'm so touched...
But still, i will try to slim down..haha..still will try my best to be a good gf to him..but i will not over-stress myself ba..hhaa..
Somehow, i know why i like Dennis so much. I like the communication bridge which has been built between both of us. Though there are times when i hardly express my views, he will make the effort to clear as much worries n doubts as possible. =) however, i believe this bridge can be enhanced. Cos i think i still find myself hard to express my true feelings n thoughts with courage. So i wan to try to change this..hahaa...
Anyway, dun worry, people. I have felt much better. Thanks to u, Zhijia n this unknown friend...!! Thanks, Zhijia, for consoling me =) hhaaa...dun worry, still have not forgotten to thank u, zhijia! haa.. =p
So hee...i'm back to my usual self. My PMS is gone, so does my this mild depression.. =D
Well, everything becomes fine again. think it's really due to the effects of PMS, i've subsided from the mild depression. I met Dennis today n it've been a great day.. =) maybe it's only when i get to see him, then i feel much better..hee..
Anyway, Dennis had a small talk with me juz now. He've read my that super duper depressing blog n had a bit of chat with me. Hmm..not really a bit la, but it's juz tat he helped me clear my doubts n worries. Well, feeling much better now..i almost cried when he said to me that it's me whom he likes.. T_T i'm so touched...
But still, i will try to slim down..haha..still will try my best to be a good gf to him..but i will not over-stress myself ba..hhaa..
Somehow, i know why i like Dennis so much. I like the communication bridge which has been built between both of us. Though there are times when i hardly express my views, he will make the effort to clear as much worries n doubts as possible. =) however, i believe this bridge can be enhanced. Cos i think i still find myself hard to express my true feelings n thoughts with courage. So i wan to try to change this..hahaa...
Anyway, dun worry, people. I have felt much better. Thanks to u, Zhijia n this unknown friend...!! Thanks, Zhijia, for consoling me =) hhaaa...dun worry, still have not forgotten to thank u, zhijia! haa.. =p
So hee...i'm back to my usual self. My PMS is gone, so does my this mild depression.. =D
Anyway today's the 3rd year anniversary for dennis n me =)
Although there are many times i've been finding hard n half-hearted in reaching dennis's expectations of his ideal gf, I've been very glad that i get to know him n be with him as his gf. I like his intelligence n the way he talks. I like a lot of things about him.
Sometimes, i realise that's the sacrifice i've to make. He's smart n i have to catch up with his intelligence. I know i do not fit a lot of reqiurements of his ideal gf. I try to make myself fit in as much as possible. There are times i feel very half-hearted, but i know it'll be good for my future too. Well...i dun know la....
I only know i have to treasure him until the day he finds another better than me. Cos when that day comes, i will juz step back n allow the lady who is much better than me in all aspects, to walk into his life, to help in his future career.
Although there are many times i've been finding hard n half-hearted in reaching dennis's expectations of his ideal gf, I've been very glad that i get to know him n be with him as his gf. I like his intelligence n the way he talks. I like a lot of things about him.
Sometimes, i realise that's the sacrifice i've to make. He's smart n i have to catch up with his intelligence. I know i do not fit a lot of reqiurements of his ideal gf. I try to make myself fit in as much as possible. There are times i feel very half-hearted, but i know it'll be good for my future too. Well...i dun know la....
I only know i have to treasure him until the day he finds another better than me. Cos when that day comes, i will juz step back n allow the lady who is much better than me in all aspects, to walk into his life, to help in his future career.
think i've kinda suffered from mild depression..
having thinking in a pessismistic angle. Somehow or rather, i can't stop myself from thinking in this way. Maybe i've overworked myself, maybe i've not been having a proper meal, maybe my PMS has come to haunt upon me..hahaa..
anyway this blog for today will be a depressing one. Juz take it tat i'm crapping away..i juz need to find a channel for me to vent out my depressing thoughts. Later tat, i'll be fine =)
Probably i've been yearning for perfection recently. Trying to fulfill all my responsibilites. As a corp officer, i've failed to be one. As for my other duties, i'm still trying to do my best. Everyday, i dun see myself having a personal time for myself. Tuitions, school work, n trying to find as much time as possible to spend with my loved ones - tat's all i've done. However, i'm glad to do all these. But probably, i'm getting kinda mentally tired..probablly i need a break.
Been trying to reach dennis's expectations of a gf..cos i know myself very well tat i do not possess a lot of his requirements, i try my best to change..probably, i'm very worried that if i can't be within his expectations, i will lose him to other better ladies sooner or rather. I know i'm not good in expressing myself verbally n i'm not good in conversing with his parent. I know i do not have a good body shape n i'm kinda displeased with my external appearances. n as a result, many times, due to my lack of self-confidence, think i've caused frustrations to him. As for body shape, i always find it hard to be motivated to exercise. As a result, i decide to eat very little for my lunch - probably due to tis, it's been attributed to my mild depression. Probably, you will be shocked to hear me saying this - very often, especially recently, i've been having thoughts of going for plastic surgery, to make myself look better. Dennis does say that going for such surgery do not make one lady natural..but well, probably i've started having such conception of guys - they look for external appearance as top priority, internal beauty a secondary factor. I try to be more confident about myself, but again, my inability to express verbally has become a big hindrance to my confidence these few months. I start to worry if i dun hurry learn to express verbally well, when dennis goes to study law, he will meet ladies who can express themselves much better than me. and they can converse much better than me. Once they have interests in dennis n know that they can be even better than me,in terms of looks n confidence, they sure can kick me out. Well, i have this feeling such incident will happen in the future, cos his status in the future will be wat a lot of ladies are looking for.
Somehow or rather, i realise perfections only bring sadness; it only brings inferiority. Learning to accept the existence of human flaws lead to happiness ; it brings satisfaction. but how many people will think of this? Minority, probably none. I try to yearn for perfection, hoping things will be better. However, in the midst of the search, I still can't escape from the fact that this is the reality. I have to accept it.
I only know I've found myself half-hearted in trying to change myself. i'm scared i will lose myself - individuality. I hate the fact that people look for external factors. I hate the fact that i have to accept it. i'm starting to feel confused over humanity. So contradictory that i start to have extreme thoughts n yearn to go for extreme measures - exercise n also at the same time, i shan't not take my lunch ( cos that's the only chance i'll not be stopped). Dennis will be mad over me taking such measures, but i guess i will go my way.
Alright, think i've finished rattering all these depressing thoughts. Probably, like wat dennis says, i'm saying all these for self-pity.
Probably i am.
having thinking in a pessismistic angle. Somehow or rather, i can't stop myself from thinking in this way. Maybe i've overworked myself, maybe i've not been having a proper meal, maybe my PMS has come to haunt upon me..hahaa..
anyway this blog for today will be a depressing one. Juz take it tat i'm crapping away..i juz need to find a channel for me to vent out my depressing thoughts. Later tat, i'll be fine =)
Probably i've been yearning for perfection recently. Trying to fulfill all my responsibilites. As a corp officer, i've failed to be one. As for my other duties, i'm still trying to do my best. Everyday, i dun see myself having a personal time for myself. Tuitions, school work, n trying to find as much time as possible to spend with my loved ones - tat's all i've done. However, i'm glad to do all these. But probably, i'm getting kinda mentally tired..probablly i need a break.
Been trying to reach dennis's expectations of a gf..cos i know myself very well tat i do not possess a lot of his requirements, i try my best to change..probably, i'm very worried that if i can't be within his expectations, i will lose him to other better ladies sooner or rather. I know i'm not good in expressing myself verbally n i'm not good in conversing with his parent. I know i do not have a good body shape n i'm kinda displeased with my external appearances. n as a result, many times, due to my lack of self-confidence, think i've caused frustrations to him. As for body shape, i always find it hard to be motivated to exercise. As a result, i decide to eat very little for my lunch - probably due to tis, it's been attributed to my mild depression. Probably, you will be shocked to hear me saying this - very often, especially recently, i've been having thoughts of going for plastic surgery, to make myself look better. Dennis does say that going for such surgery do not make one lady natural..but well, probably i've started having such conception of guys - they look for external appearance as top priority, internal beauty a secondary factor. I try to be more confident about myself, but again, my inability to express verbally has become a big hindrance to my confidence these few months. I start to worry if i dun hurry learn to express verbally well, when dennis goes to study law, he will meet ladies who can express themselves much better than me. and they can converse much better than me. Once they have interests in dennis n know that they can be even better than me,in terms of looks n confidence, they sure can kick me out. Well, i have this feeling such incident will happen in the future, cos his status in the future will be wat a lot of ladies are looking for.
Somehow or rather, i realise perfections only bring sadness; it only brings inferiority. Learning to accept the existence of human flaws lead to happiness ; it brings satisfaction. but how many people will think of this? Minority, probably none. I try to yearn for perfection, hoping things will be better. However, in the midst of the search, I still can't escape from the fact that this is the reality. I have to accept it.
I only know I've found myself half-hearted in trying to change myself. i'm scared i will lose myself - individuality. I hate the fact that people look for external factors. I hate the fact that i have to accept it. i'm starting to feel confused over humanity. So contradictory that i start to have extreme thoughts n yearn to go for extreme measures - exercise n also at the same time, i shan't not take my lunch ( cos that's the only chance i'll not be stopped). Dennis will be mad over me taking such measures, but i guess i will go my way.
Alright, think i've finished rattering all these depressing thoughts. Probably, like wat dennis says, i'm saying all these for self-pity.
Probably i am.
Friday, September 23, 2005
pissed off...
very pissed off...very disappointed... T_T
early in the morning, i travelled so far to school n yet i can't enter the lecture room. i have no idea why but anyway, i'm very pissed off. I only had 4 hours of sleep last night! n yet i can't attend the stupid dumb dumb lecture... =(
then later in the evening, i thought i can get to meet dennis, but well, in the end, it's cancelled. Initially, i was very excited to meet him after my tuition, thinking that i finally can get to meet him for dinner..But well, things cropped up, he had work to do n i can't meet him...sigh...i dun know la..i only know i'm very disappointed cos i've actually cancelled my visit to SAC n me going to attend a meeting held by the Red Cross's Adult Volunteer Division's Detachment 9. sigh...well, maybe i am not able to handle my disappointment - though i felt better after going to Times bookshop, I still cried in the end when I came back..sigh...but well, it's not his fault too.....
Recently, probably due to his work, he has not been taking interest in my personal stuff. i tried to tell him about my day in Red Cross house on the Mid-Autumn festival celebrations, n he seemed to be thinking about his work... T_T well, it's not his fault la..i know he's been kinda stressed over work, n has been thinking hard.. sigh, i juz have to make do with it..maybe i'm like this too...
Anway, forget about dennis thingy. i've joined the Detachment 9 group in Red Cross's Adult Volunteer Division. The whole organisation concept is very interesting, yet seems disorganised in some way or rather. Basically, the members volunteer to form groups of common interests, n they volunteer to organise activities. Currently, i am still not familiar with the people in this group but i've seen and talked to its leader. Pretty alright. But i have to be more initiative cos they really seem to be what we call a 'voluntary organisation'. heee...but well, i believe this is wat i'm looking for. n i hope i can learn a lot in this group.. =)
early in the morning, i travelled so far to school n yet i can't enter the lecture room. i have no idea why but anyway, i'm very pissed off. I only had 4 hours of sleep last night! n yet i can't attend the stupid dumb dumb lecture... =(
then later in the evening, i thought i can get to meet dennis, but well, in the end, it's cancelled. Initially, i was very excited to meet him after my tuition, thinking that i finally can get to meet him for dinner..But well, things cropped up, he had work to do n i can't meet him...sigh...i dun know la..i only know i'm very disappointed cos i've actually cancelled my visit to SAC n me going to attend a meeting held by the Red Cross's Adult Volunteer Division's Detachment 9. sigh...well, maybe i am not able to handle my disappointment - though i felt better after going to Times bookshop, I still cried in the end when I came back..sigh...but well, it's not his fault too.....
Recently, probably due to his work, he has not been taking interest in my personal stuff. i tried to tell him about my day in Red Cross house on the Mid-Autumn festival celebrations, n he seemed to be thinking about his work... T_T well, it's not his fault la..i know he's been kinda stressed over work, n has been thinking hard.. sigh, i juz have to make do with it..maybe i'm like this too...
Anway, forget about dennis thingy. i've joined the Detachment 9 group in Red Cross's Adult Volunteer Division. The whole organisation concept is very interesting, yet seems disorganised in some way or rather. Basically, the members volunteer to form groups of common interests, n they volunteer to organise activities. Currently, i am still not familiar with the people in this group but i've seen and talked to its leader. Pretty alright. But i have to be more initiative cos they really seem to be what we call a 'voluntary organisation'. heee...but well, i believe this is wat i'm looking for. n i hope i can learn a lot in this group.. =)
Friday, September 02, 2005
ok..here i am, having some time to write..haa..
still waiting for my first aid cert from the red cross. hopefully can get it soon, starting to realise how long 4 weeks it can be. then after that, i can start doing public duty in red cross..yeah!!
started to have a feeling of quitting as a corp staff officer..i dun know why suddenly have this idea..maybe kinda sick of it and start to ponder upon some interesting things about uniformed groups. In fact, i have this idea when i joined NCOC a few months ago.
It is interesting about this thing of human mind. In a non-profit organisation cum uniformed group, cadets with lower ranks listen and obey to those of senior ranks. well, of course u can say, this is obvious...but the thing i'm trying to say is, what is the factor which can make the cadets listen to NCOs or officers? is it due to the fear in the rank difference? is it due to the fearsome authority and power the rank can bring to? or is it due to the environment?
Somehow or rather, I start to think: what if one day these cadets do not want to listen to the higher ranks? they rebel. They refuse to listen to instructions cos these instructions have no benefits to them, especially in the situation of military punishments. It's easy to solve if it were to target at an "out-cast". But what if it's the whole group who rebel? How are the higher ranks going to handle? by rules of punishments? But if what they are prepared for the risks predicted and aim to rebel? I do think of this situation and I cannot think of any solutions to this designated problem. Fear only succumbs me.
People seems to fear the created invisible fearsome. Ranks are a form of symbolism of higher power and authority. Ranks are created and thus are expected to be respected. I have no idea what's human thinking of. Truly, humans are simply the most sophiscated and contradictory animals. Well, probably because they think.
Still don't understand what i am trying to say? it's okay cos i have not figured out the answer to my own question. HA!
still waiting for my first aid cert from the red cross. hopefully can get it soon, starting to realise how long 4 weeks it can be. then after that, i can start doing public duty in red cross..yeah!!
started to have a feeling of quitting as a corp staff officer..i dun know why suddenly have this idea..maybe kinda sick of it and start to ponder upon some interesting things about uniformed groups. In fact, i have this idea when i joined NCOC a few months ago.
It is interesting about this thing of human mind. In a non-profit organisation cum uniformed group, cadets with lower ranks listen and obey to those of senior ranks. well, of course u can say, this is obvious...but the thing i'm trying to say is, what is the factor which can make the cadets listen to NCOs or officers? is it due to the fear in the rank difference? is it due to the fearsome authority and power the rank can bring to? or is it due to the environment?
Somehow or rather, I start to think: what if one day these cadets do not want to listen to the higher ranks? they rebel. They refuse to listen to instructions cos these instructions have no benefits to them, especially in the situation of military punishments. It's easy to solve if it were to target at an "out-cast". But what if it's the whole group who rebel? How are the higher ranks going to handle? by rules of punishments? But if what they are prepared for the risks predicted and aim to rebel? I do think of this situation and I cannot think of any solutions to this designated problem. Fear only succumbs me.
People seems to fear the created invisible fearsome. Ranks are a form of symbolism of higher power and authority. Ranks are created and thus are expected to be respected. I have no idea what's human thinking of. Truly, humans are simply the most sophiscated and contradictory animals. Well, probably because they think.
Still don't understand what i am trying to say? it's okay cos i have not figured out the answer to my own question. HA!
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