think i've kinda suffered from mild depression..
having thinking in a pessismistic angle. Somehow or rather, i can't stop myself from thinking in this way. Maybe i've overworked myself, maybe i've not been having a proper meal, maybe my PMS has come to haunt upon me..hahaa..

anyway this blog for today will be a depressing one. Juz take it tat i'm crapping away..i juz need to find a channel for me to vent out my depressing thoughts. Later tat, i'll be fine =)

Probably i've been yearning for perfection recently. Trying to fulfill all my responsibilites. As a corp officer, i've failed to be one. As for my other duties, i'm still trying to do my best. Everyday, i dun see myself having a personal time for myself. Tuitions, school work, n trying to find as much time as possible to spend with my loved ones - tat's all i've done. However, i'm glad to do all these. But probably, i'm getting kinda mentally tired..probablly i need a break.

Been trying to reach dennis's expectations of a gf..cos i know myself very well tat i do not possess a lot of his requirements, i try my best to change..probably, i'm very worried that if i can't be within his expectations, i will lose him to other better ladies sooner or rather. I know i'm not good in expressing myself verbally n i'm not good in conversing with his parent. I know i do not have a good body shape n i'm kinda displeased with my external appearances. n as a result, many times, due to my lack of self-confidence, think i've caused frustrations to him. As for body shape, i always find it hard to be motivated to exercise. As a result, i decide to eat very little for my lunch - probably due to tis, it's been attributed to my mild depression. Probably, you will be shocked to hear me saying this - very often, especially recently, i've been having thoughts of going for plastic surgery, to make myself look better. Dennis does say that going for such surgery do not make one lady natural..but well, probably i've started having such conception of guys - they look for external appearance as top priority, internal beauty a secondary factor. I try to be more confident about myself, but again, my inability to express verbally has become a big hindrance to my confidence these few months. I start to worry if i dun hurry learn to express verbally well, when dennis goes to study law, he will meet ladies who can express themselves much better than me. and they can converse much better than me. Once they have interests in dennis n know that they can be even better than me,in terms of looks n confidence, they sure can kick me out. Well, i have this feeling such incident will happen in the future, cos his status in the future will be wat a lot of ladies are looking for.
Somehow or rather, i realise perfections only bring sadness; it only brings inferiority. Learning to accept the existence of human flaws lead to happiness ; it brings satisfaction. but how many people will think of this? Minority, probably none. I try to yearn for perfection, hoping things will be better. However, in the midst of the search, I still can't escape from the fact that this is the reality. I have to accept it.
I only know I've found myself half-hearted in trying to change myself. i'm scared i will lose myself - individuality. I hate the fact that people look for external factors. I hate the fact that i have to accept it. i'm starting to feel confused over humanity. So contradictory that i start to have extreme thoughts n yearn to go for extreme measures - exercise n also at the same time, i shan't not take my lunch ( cos that's the only chance i'll not be stopped). Dennis will be mad over me taking such measures, but i guess i will go my way.
Alright, think i've finished rattering all these depressing thoughts. Probably, like wat dennis says, i'm saying all these for self-pity.
Probably i am.