Didn't have an excellent xmas morning to start off..went to golf course with AG and his 2 other guy friends..i have all sorts of terrible shots, my mood was highly affected by all the basic hits i couldn't achieve unlike those which i hit at the range..it was horrible..i got pissed off and i started pulling long faces throughout the whole course.

Seriously it wasn't me ..and i have to admit that i did not manage my emotions well enough..i was so affected that i couldn't hide the expressions..i felt very left alone during the entire course..i knew at that moment, i needed to be independent but i could not control myself feeling very lonely and un-motivated. it's a terrible 2 hours which i had to go through myself. 2 hours of no one motivating me, telling me that it's alright...and many times i can feel very strongly that his 2 friends were mocking or doubting me behind my back..

it was an extremely terrible feeling. i felt like crying but i had to control cos i had already expressed my frustration on my face.

all i knew that i was extremely lonely and just wished for a caring and understanding heart towards my terrible shots...but i guess i need to take this experience as a training for myself that i need to be more independent in managing my own emotions..

anyway i decide that for the time being, i shall not join them..and i guess they wouldn't want me to join in given my performance today..so i just gonna give myself time to practise more and hit the golf course myself to learn to manage the stress. once i am ready, i can just kick the guys' ass and show them that i am not that terrible as they will think of.

i really hate to lose in a un-glam manner.

Had a xmas gathering with ZJ they all..love all the presents which I receive this year!!

Upon self-reflection, i decide to have a resolution for year 2011 - improve on my social skills. To speak kinder words (i realise i've been rather critical in my words when i open my mouth to talk), to practise my smile (i realise i've this habit of wanting to smile and yet not smiling, it feels almost like a fake smile which will give the incorrect message to others), and to learn to have fun (i realise i'm too serious).

half day tomorrow, yeah~! =D

It's a sad post.

Hmmm...realise that i feel i am not ready, still..i'm not ready to travel overseas with AG..to me, it's like one big milestone in the relationship..AG's not ready for marriage and seems not to believe in one, so i am kinda afraid that if things didn't turn out well, i will feel ...i don't know..i only feel loss of faith..

went to seek the divine advice..

well, asks me to be at ease and peace without bothering for change, asks me to be patient and my success will come eventually..

shall take the advice at the moment. Well at least i feel more peace with myself...

finally i have done the xmas shopping spree for the s5 girls xmas gathering and my colleagues' xmas celebration! hmm..think this time, the gifts should be better than last year's..haha..

had a good evening outing with myself just now. hang around at tamp's starbucks, watching shows, drinking coffee..basically slacking around with my favourite coffee brand. =)

feel a lot better now...

just got my clinical attachment schedule for the new semester..yeah!! my first mentor is my favourite mentor for the internal medicine module. he is extremely good..every time there is always a long queue of patients and i always get to learn many cases from him..trying to pick up his thread of thoughts during his diagnosis and medicine prescription, etc..i even recommend to my mum and she even compliments for the effectiveness of the medicine prescribed to her. i'm glad to hear that.

I inspire to be like this mentor in the future..this is my life goal =)

Mood was not fantastic today..was so upset by the same hiccup that i kinda teared in front of my parents..but can't really tell them cos they will just give me all sorts of reasons to make me change my mind.

I am not happy but what can i do.

Work today was not easy for me. All i can say here - haiz.

right now, i need to remind myself that i have a team of officers who have not been promoted for many years and the important items for my technical officer and me is to brainstorm on how to create value in their work, to be recognised for their work and to be on constant motivation to improve themselves.

of course, it's easier to talk here than to take action. i need to push myself constantly to walk the talk.

a mini xmas celebration party organised by my colleagues..think my angel was not very happy with the gifts i got for him/her.. sigh...but i guess i dun know him/her well, so din manage to get a good gift.. i feel kinda disappointed with myself.

can't wait to meet ZJ they all for xmas gathering..always enjoy being with them..it feels very comfortable being with them.

Met AG's 2 more frens..realise and kinda confirm myself that i really have a very awkward social skills. i can't talk!!!!!! i will just keep rather quiet, VERY ZEN (being sarcastic of myself here) and if i talk, i tend to sound kinda serious and egotistic in a way. and when i talked to the guys' lady friend whom we met at the restaurant, i realise i am different..i can't connect the frequency and i'm feeling like some sort of a nerd or freak or i dun know!!! but then again, i am frank with what i say. so..hmmm..ya..i can't joke..i'm not comfortable. but anyway i just be what i am. I am a satisfied loner, so be it. i like hanging out with my usual lady frens (the s5 girls, the ntu clique), and i am happy with that.

realise that AG is that one man who can make me feel very comfortable being with him.

Hmm..felt a lot better after crying out hard tat night. it's good wake-up call. i'm picking myself up again. and interestingly, i can't stay moody with AG around..i can just forget about my worry..he has his ways to cheer me up without doing anything deliberate.

But something worries me a little..not long ago he told me that there is no point in marriage. i was like (O_O)...please God, don't let me walk this terrible path again...this can really hurt me..

so which means, i am, again, taking a risk. i just have to put my faith in God.

Been reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde the second time. Love this book. So many interesting philosophical quotes and meanings.

I finally break down. Receive all my exams results. din do well in all the modules. very very disappointed with myself, kept crying away.

Who to blame? I can only blame myself.

All i can think of now is put more efforts in next semester. i have to say i've too many other commitment this semester. i will just listen to my own heart, study what i need to learn, don't study for the sake of exams. don't follow the rest to study for the sake of exams. This method has proven not effective for you. You did worse than before.

i am in my 4th year..i can't afford myself to deteriorate in my studies =(

I'm very exhausted now..my eyes feel heavy and swollen...

En fin...my exams are over!!! woooo..

not very excited over it..cos i am not very excited about next semester's class schedule. 5 important modules plus weekly clinical attachment sessions. How am I going to manage? I am already trying hard to refresh my knowledge for the past years' modules. all are essential for the license examination. it's like going for some beijing capital examination - once fail one module, you fail the entire examination, and you can come back to take the exam next year.

Work today was quite amusing, hmm well only to me, i guess.

my boss is back and I had quite an intensive short discussion with her over the phone for an assumingly urgent matter. both of us sounded rather impatient/urgent/anxious with each other and the conversation, after some thoughts, is rather amusing to me. it feels like i had a minor working conflict with my boss, but i kinda embrace such conflict and am looking at it optimistically. conflicts open up frank conversation, which i like that.

talking about frankness in work, i remembered giving a negative feedback to my director about an internal training trial, seriously i dun know where's the courage, i only know that i will give my honest feedback if i really want the trial to be successful. i am taking a risk. a foolish risk, it's possible.

anyway last week i actually told my division boss about my next development progression, took the opportunity to let him know my interest of where i wanna move on next..i mean since he asked..of course i wanna let him know my interest otherwise i may lose the chance..well, see how it goes. keeping my finger crossed cos it may be another foolish risk i took.

last paper tomorrow. Wooh!! i can't wait!

one paper down, 3 more to go. i am already feeling insane right now.

going back office in the morning, and a half day leave in the afternoon. same as for Friday.

all i can feel right now is that - i need a change. A big change. and i need to take action to make that change. i am feeling the nuttiness in me.. such feeling is like some sort regular hiccups. it's killing my mind everytime the hiccup perks.

but then i still need to wait. and remind myself to be on a constant lookout.