A pretty bad day in office..

Missed a meeting in the morning...followed by a colleague from another section who initially rejected my request for assistance in the project..got so worried, stressed up and panicked that I could not control myself but to cry..went to toilet, hid myself in a cubicle and started crying out..been very stressed out by the project for the past few weeks..and was very disappointed with myself and yet i could not tell my boss..cos i dun want to disappoint her again, and in case she started to doubt my capability and not give any important responsibility to handle..

ended up my colleagues, CT and JN saw my very flashed face..and started prompting me..but ok la..at least after saying out, i felt better..

lucky thing, my colleague from that another section had helped me after i msged and begged him over the sms to help me with it...

now i know how my boss was trained to be thick-skinned...when she was a new engineer in the company, she used to be in that section...

sigh and phew...

So tired........ @_@

gosh...tomorrow still has clinical attachment..arg...i've not read through any yet..!!! arg...stress.... =p

glad to meet AG just now after my lesson..hee...felt more energetic than during the lesson..was so fatigue that i dozed off every now and then during the lesson..

now i'm feeling tired again..gonna go sleep soon...

get kinda worried for my 2nd bro..he's not doing well in his studies..and i dun have the time to coach him..and yet he's such low motivation and he is still very childish and naive in his thoughts,etc..still not aware of the importance of studies and qualifications in this world..still din fully understand the impact which can be made on him and onto his parents..i blame tat for his school environment..to me, it's all in your mind....no one can influence anyone, except himself.

work work work...monday's a relatively smooth work day for me, to my surprise. but dun know what's about tomorrow..a lot of things awaiting for me to complete before i can go for my exam leave...feel like taking one-day off next month, and have a good break...i feel very burnt out...

came across this singer Zee Avi over a radio station. she's very good jazzy voice for her age - same age as me..haha..

dun believe? hee..you may want to listen to this song "Just you and me"

Another lovely outing with AG after lessons with my 2 students..

A walk in ikea, artfriend, liang court, east coast park...and carpool..haha..kinda chases all my work frustration away... =)

it's nice feeling to have him around.. =)

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Work hasn't been going smooth for me again...starting to get bomb attacks from colleagues of another section..i feel pretty bad, but i need to force myself, be thick-skinned to approach them..it's like sending myself to a minefield, though i know it is..

oh well, wat to do...it's work..i really hope tomorrow'll be a good start... =s

sigh.

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woo! next week's last lessons with my 2 students! woo! can't wait..! can focus more on my studies! =D

A nice after-dinner walk with AG at the reservoir just now..he came over to meet me after my dinner with my family..hee..

what makes me amazing that he listens to my narration, though i wonder whether he can understand what i'm trying to describe (i'm not a good story-teller)..but well, it feel good that he seems to be listening and making some responses to it..hahaha..

the reservoir has transformed into a really welcoming and beautiful place to hang out there..now there's a floating platform where people can fish and hang out there..and over there i told AG about my self-reputation of labelling myself the fishing goddness of liberty..till now, i still feel proud of giving myself the title.. =p hahaha..

love the walk today.. it's a lovely and enjoyable walk.. =)

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Love this song by Michael Buble..! The mtv is very cute and the actoress looks sweet and pretty...hahaha..and it makes me have an idea on some venue for my future wedding shots - yes, supermarket! i love this kind of subtle romance brought into the reality..but anyway i'm not getting married soon..juz to avoid all you readers' imagination and anticipation..haa..



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And oh, one more song! Colbie Calliat's "Falling for You"..very funny mtv and love the lyrics..

Almost thought i'm going to die..

my boss din scold me...thank goodness.. phew....but she gave me a few guidance points on the project..basically she sees that I have weakness in the project co-ordination and management of colleagues from other sections..at least she's frank with me, in a positive and gentle way..so she din scold me, put the full blame on me...phew...

and first time she complimented about my strength..pretty touched although i kinda know that it's part of communication skills - praise first, then point out the weakness..hee..

upon self-reflection, my boss is frank with me, so i know which are the areas i need to strengthen and improve..

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had lunch with AG today..enjoy his company..but dun know why, felt a little distant today..dun know whether it was cos of the stuff which i saw and tried to clarify with him..it's just that i felt left in the dark and insecure...i could feel i'm trying hard to communicate with him but there seems to be a wall blocking me and a catapult on top of the wall which will try to hit me..

I really hope he'll clarify and communicate patiently with me...

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kinda worried for AG at the same time..he's not feeling well and i kinda fear a lot of stuff, especially when i'm studying pathology module and am aware of the causes to many illnesses...

i really hope he's willing to change his lifestyle habit, not for me but for the better of his health..

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Exams are around the corner..and i'm starting to get very stressed up again...

Sigh.

I think I'm dead meat.

Work's utterly horrible today. =(

in a terrible mood...

Arg..a lot of negative thoughts are hurling in my mind right now..

got a bit taken aback with what AG remarked his statement about marriage..i really hope it's not going to be like the previous one..but well, AG put the topic aside and not let the discussion to go on..so kinda left me in quite a "in the air"..

i dun know...now i'm feeling very insecure, and to a certain level, unassured...i no need any promise, but probably an assurance in the statement..

but right now, i just try to keep telling myself that i must leave the best moments and memories to the one who is willing to share and commit to the life with me, then i will give my full commitment to this one who really walks the rest of his life with me..

what's amusing was that a few days ago, an uni friend told me that i was a "wife material" (ah..dun vomit ah..) and told me not to doubt myself about it...but i dun know why...i keep feeling very lousy about myself right now...i keep asking myself right now, "if i were really a wife material, then why it seems that i tend to be stuck in such a situation?"

now i am really doubting myself.

I seriously doubt my potential in what I'm doing right now..after receiving the sms just now, i can't help but frowned and started my little cow tantrum. ended up tearing a little..cos i really dun wanna do this...i feel very forced/unmotivated and angry..

probably pissed off with myself..but also pissed with myself being sandwiched...probably it's my personalities or the environment which i am brought up..

There is this voice within me, which seems to be telling me this "hey, do something which you have seen yourself achieving something..", "get out of this - you are just biting your teeth through it..you are not enjoying what you are doing right now. That's not you".."you keep making mistakes..you are not naturally motivated..you are forcing yourself to be motivated.."

i dun know...i can feel myself seriously underperforming...i can feel myself very unmotivated..i can feel myself really bad at what i'm doing...this is a really horrible feeling cos it's pulling my self-esteem down...

on the other hand, i can picture myself enjoying teaching the sec sch students, marking papers, preparing homework, improving myself on the modules so that i can be better than the students..even if there will be many admin work for me to do and listening to the nagging of the principal or HOD...

i'm seriously very tired...i can feel myself being not myself at work..
but i'm really worried whether being a teacher will be a lower job status than being an engineer..i'm worried that AG's family will look down on me cos of the status switch..though i feel and know that the pay for teaching now is a lot better than the older times..

i'm paranoid.... =(

Work yesterday was not a smooth one..as a result, i was very distracted during the dinner with AG and his parents..

=(

sigh. sian.

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hhaa..been loving these 2 songs, especially whitney houston's "million dollar bill"..the song makes me dance..

speaking of dance..i wanna sign up for salsa dance in dec..dancing cheers me up..haa.. =p i tink i'm stopping the dance course which i've taken previously..tat dance is starting to cost me more money..





Whitney Houston's latest album is out! love these songs..all dedicated to God..

"I Look to You"


"I didn't know my own strength"

finally my 2nd round of clinical attachment is over! attached to this teacher can be challenging..hee..

been having good food these 2 days..!! yesterday and today! hee...i'm like a pig..and now i can feel myself already put on some weight..gonna jog tmr!

i'm so tired now....need time and energy to study... (T___T)

oh ya! my student passed his prelim O level A maths! haha ..quite happy for him cos he mentioned that the papers were pretty hard, and worried that he might not pass..

Seems that patience and not being panicky over short-term results work for me...but then again, it also depends on whether the student wants to help himself or not...

Watched this television movie "Coco Chanel"..only realise that this is totally different from "Coco before Chanel" movie..but i tink this one is better than "Coco before Chanel"..all the characters are better-looking..hahaa..

not that i love the brand..love this film..but that doesn't mean i like the brand.. =p


Love this photo the most..so sweet...haha...

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Din go for my lesson..i'm very tired and bored of attending Saturdays' module..but somehow i can't focus on my revision now...i dun know why.. =(

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yeah! good food tomorrow! can't wait! can't wait!! =D

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somehow work nowadays seems to be going less tough on me..think maybe cos that my boss seems to have given me more freedom to manage the project, though she wil still remind me of the few deadlines i need to meet..hee..but i'm happy with the level of freedom and control right now..at least i feel i can manage within my control..though there are inevitable times when i can't meet the deadline.. =p

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felt the earthquake tremour in my office on wednesday (tink it's a wed), when i was still working in office before going to gym for a quick jog..

somehow i'm not worried at all, about whether the building will collapse or not..somehow i have the confidence that our local civil engineers will do a good job into factoring a safe level of earthquake-resistivity into the building construction..

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i can't focus on my studies now!! how come?!!!

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kinda miss AG now...keep feeling that i've not spent enough time with him, but yet on another hand, i need time to study...but then again, i can't focus on my studies now.. (T____T)

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Seems that the whole department knows that i'm studying tcm now..an poly student intern was asking me about tcm and its course-related topics..

but i guess it may be good for everyone to know my part-time studies now..cos it will act as a positive pressure upon me that i must press on..

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read about the news on NUS-Duke graduate medical course recently...at that instant, and even now, i can feel the heartache within me that i din do well for my "A" levels to get myself into the medical school...and when i read about the sentence in the news saying that these intake have first class degree in their science-related course, i realise that there is no point trying to get into this school..they will not accept me, despite of the passion and persistence i have for this profession..

i know i still have tcm..but i still want to do more than knowing tcm..i wanna know both - western and chinese, so that i have the upper edge to help, to do what i want in the future..

however, this is just a pipe dream..so i can forget it..

i just focus on my tcm, study hard, so that i can help within my capabilities. Maybe in the future when i graduate well from this course, probably i can give a try to get into the school..

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