feeling very nervous now..

later will be having integrated design presentation..feeling a little un-prepared cos of my presentation timing's still a little rush...

hope can do well still...

hydraulics test later too..
arg..

n i got to rush for a tuition work immediately after presentation in the evening..3 hours of lesson later..!! (T_T) dun know whether i can stand the fatigue...

raining now..simply love rainy days..

dun know why..i've been thinking about the old stuff again...
thinking whether i'll be attached again... (hahaha...)
i'm told i'll be married late...but then..
i look at myself in the mirror...i feel i have no requisite of getting attached at all..

somehow or rather, i juz feel...(besides family n friends)...everyone wants to experience the feeling of loving someone and being loved by the same someone..

out of loneliness? out of wanting to forget the old love? out of money?

different excuses...

oh well..i juz live my life now...



//Juz some blabberings of my personal reflections....//

*somehow i realise i have many bad points after the incident. are these bad points already instilled in me? or they juz evolve and develop to make a new me? or could it due to me having too many things at hand now, causing erosion of the old self?*

*i can't wait to take up a drawing course after i've found a job...i realise i can't describe things very well verbally..i only know how to ask questions to find out more about the others, and listen to their stories...but i dun know how to make them be interested in finding out more about me..
so probably the only mean of communication from me to you is through my drawings, and slowly through sign language...*

*i realise something new about life.
A listener listens to others, but hopes to be listened.*

*probably tat's how life works..and probably why people want to get a "neutral" job...
A counsellor listens to the others' problems, but sometimes he/she hopes to be listened.
A marriage counsellor saves others' marriages, but hopes her/his marriage to be saved.
A nurse takes care of others, but hopes to be taken care of.
so getting a "neutral" job is probably a best way to have a balanced life..no contradiction at all.."

ok, tat's all i wanna reflect for tonight's rainy day..

finally feeling sleepy now..ha..!

read this in my school's newsletter...

"NTU kids are smarter, but NUS kids are more confident.

...SMU kids think they are smart, therefore that makes them the most confident."


hahahhaa...it seems that confidence and intelligence don't seem to come hand in hand...hahahhahaa...

terrible headache yesterday since morning...din really bother to find out what's wrong with me..haa..only feel restless and not motivated at all..self-diagnoised myself this morning that it could be due to my liver not functionally at its optimum..took some chinese medicine pills..tink kinda work..haha..
but still will not do any diagnosis or medical prescription for my friends yet..first, not allowed legally and morally..secondly, not confident enough as i only had the theory, not the practical experiences..

anyway ......

integrated design presentation's a challenge..have to squeeze a few pages of design proposals into 4 mins..and that includes introduction...definitely a challenge for YS, YJ, HM n Val...all need to squeeze the presentation slides...

more workload given by HB (my FYP research student)... (T_T)

totally no time to study for my human anatomy... (T_T) getting very worried...sometimes the thought of having not much time to study makes me wanna cry...i wanna score a distinction for it..get my basic foundation strong..

as what i've predicted, my health condition is better now...as promised to myself, i never cry anymore...and focus on my health...and my health is better now..haa..

but definitely must make myself go jogging daily durin the study break and after exams..could feel myself putting on weight...

AHH...been doing my presentation slides since 10 pm... (T_T)
wanna do it well..and wanna start it off well since i'm the first speaker..and definitely wanna do it well, to let the guys know that girls can present well and better than them..and also let the poly students know that jc students are not just nerds...

whahaa...i start to crap liao..



*made chinese tea (those mini chinese tea cups) for my family juz now...feel so stressed cos my grandparents would be drinking the tea i made..

everyone drank their first cup...
without saying anything...

arg..

I felt so nervous and insecure that i simply shouted, "the tea tastes so great!"...

and guess what're their responses?

they followed suit...complimenting that the tea which i made for them was excellent..

whahaha... =p can't believe i can be tat thick-skinned...*

dedications...

Got to listen to Corrine May's songs, especially from her debute album "Safe in a Crazy World"...

Super nice..and her voice has a very soothing comfort..the lyrics which she writes were real with a tingering comfort of humanity.

Have uploaded her songs over here..hope you all enjoy listening..! and i would like to dedicate these songs to the following people...

Corrinne May's website:
http://www.corrinnemay.com/safe/flash/index2.htm

To God: "Safe in a Crazy World"
God, thank you for always being there for me..
God, thank you for all the people whom you have brought to me..thank you for letting me learn so many things...
God, thank you for allowing me to spend those memorable 4 years with someone whom i really like a lot...though now i've already chosen to let that someone go...
God, thank you for allowing me to be that someone's angel for those 4 years...though i know i may no longer am now...
God, still thank you... =)

To Dennis (dun know whether he'll still be reading my blog): "Fly Away"
though i am aware of where i stand in your life now, the chorus of this song is what i still wanna say to you..though i know you have moved on in your life...
But thank you for still be willing to talk to me and sharing with me some of ur stuff in life...
thank you for tolerating me with all my "how are you?" and other mundane questions during your busy times..
Hope you like this song..
Stay in contact always, no matter how busy you can get..!
Jiayou Jiayou Jiayou..!! Wo yong yuan dou hui zhi chi ni..!
May God bless you always and everyday... =)

To all my friends(i mean all!!!) here:
"Everything in its Time"
Thank you for always listening quietly to my blogs..all my frustrations...all my mournings...
Thank you for accepting me of who i am now, and understanding all my changes in life...
Thank you for allowing me to learn about life from you...
Thank you...
May God bless you all everyday... =)

*********************************************************

i am pretty quiet recently..as said by DLY...

ya..i dun like to talk much nowadays...

searching for inner peace...

walked past the "Kids World 2007" recruitment booth for these past few days...used to have that strong urge to join..but for now, totally cold towards it...

for that instant, i tink i've gotten tired of going for such events...

"Rest in peace, old mantou...."

been super busy recently....

busy with the integrated design..and my surface water quality test was a total tragedy. din really have enough time to study cos all the projects and my tcm stuff...

everything's wanting a piece of me...

and Lala had an accident yesterday - a major concussion. she forgot everything and i got to install new memories into her... (T_T)

all my info n pics are gone.....but thank goodness i have not started on my final year project final report..or else i will cry out a river...

whhaa...

but definitely i freaked out yesterday morning...called my bro desperately for help even though i know he's in the low-telecommunication reception room..haha.. =p
but luckily he came back in time to help treat Lala..
n i'm so happy that Lala has microsoft office 2007 again..!! yeah..!!

n today doesn't seem to be good day for someone too..but hmm..probably i'm really lousy at making people laugh when they r angry or sad...i only know how to sit n listen silently...but so what if i can do tat when i'm not allowed to do tat? but well...a little hurt when i saw one phrase..but then again, i believe tat's juz said out of extreme frustration...so could understand tat la...

very tired now le...
though i wanna write more suff now..

but it seems that i've not much of a mood to continue writing...

i wanna get this book........hopefully as a christmas present for myself...

wonder kinokuniya will have this book...

and yes, this is the jap drama "one litres of tears" which WL, M they had been talking about ever since their return from the Chia Se project..

and i really have to agree with them..

it's really very nice and very touching...

like what they said,"you'll really cry one litre of tears.."

haaa...

Synopsis: (adapted from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_Litre_of_Tears)

This drama is based on the real-life struggles of a 15-year-old girl named Aya who suffered from an incurable disease, but lived life to the fullest until her death at 25. The script is based on the diary Aya kept writing until she could no longer hold a pen. The book that later followed entitled "One Litre of Tears" has sold over 1.1 million copies in Japan alone. Aya Kitō proved her courage and positive attitude towards an uncertain future when suffering such an illness, spinocerebellar ataxia. The drama spans a decade, during which she graduates from school while her conditions worsen.
The story begins as Aya prepares for the new semester. Despite being happy, she suffers from slight physical problems, which only her mother seems to notice. However, one day, she falls unconsciously on the floor.
After she is sent to the hospital, she is shortly diagnosed with the disease. Despite the fact that she is diagnosed with the terminal illness, she does not lose the will to survive.
She still makes friends with others, including her first love, Yuji. She later develops an interest in Haruto. Although somewhat cold, Haruto was still kind to her. Meanwhile, her health continues to deteriorate.
Knowing that she will not survive for long, she returns a gift to Haruto, who discovers the fact when he reads the love letter that Aya gave him.
In the last episode, she dies peacefully, and her parents mourn her.

Hmm..personally i find this a very good show...
despite its short 11 episodes, the development of each character is gradual and distinguished..the actors and actresses' performances are excellent and genuine. and i like the scene which Aya passed away..

**************************************************

my professional communication presentation was pretty alright. my tutor told me privately that my presentation was very good, despite of one killer slide. but basically she complimented that she likes my presentation attitude - the kind of liveliness and all the stuff...hee.. XD

however, personally i feel i've not done well enough..i was still very nervous, which tat makes me disappointed with myself..but definitely though the other groups wore formally while mine was casual formal, i think i've grabbed everyone's attention and interest with my presentation..in fact, i feel i did the best among the other 13 classmates, and tat included guys..whaha..

but then again, i feel no challenge...think business school will have more challenges, since the business students often have to do many many presentations..

=p

haa... =p and one happy thing was, she told me that my prounication was alright and she could understand what i was saying.. (^^) (^^)

another upcoming presentation will be Integrated Design...this time, i need to wear formally..which means i need to get my professional wear as soon as possible.. (T_T) but this time, going to perform much better than my professional communication..

****************************************************

tink my grandparents are getting older...they dun seem to hear very well even though i thought i greet them loudly...

sometimes i think i inherit some personalties genes from my grandma..ahaa..my grandma is a woman with principles, which she holds it firmly...she doesn't like to depend on others..etc etc...lol.. =p

and my grandpa writes great chinesse calligraphy..me so proud of him.. =D

but these few days, i've been so busy with my school work, i din really get to sit down to have a good dinner meal with them..

****************************************************

been thinking over many things recently...

wonder what does Love really mean....haaaa.. =p

wondering whether i'll have a marriage life like my grandparents'...my grandpa still likes to hold my grandma's hands...my grandma will always help to watch my grandpa's diet, peel prawn skins for him etc etc...and both of them still repeat their courtship story - which my grandpa loves my grandma at first sight n only likes her among the other girls, and my grandma keeps insisting tat she never liked him at all and would always ran away whenever she saw him..

whahahhaa...

sometimes it's really interesting to hear love/courtship stories from old folks...

*******************************************

tomorrow's A.Maths papers.. me so nervous....!!!! =x

These are the photos taken during the mid-autumn festival...

somehow or rather, was reminded of how i celebrated in tj for mid-autumn festival..

and probably tat's why memories exist, cos they are the reflections of the past.

still stuck in school now..skipped my human anatomy lecture..trying to finish up my progress report..and DLY's irritating me with all the nagging..disliked being nagged and forced to repeat the same thing over and over again..

my tolerance's dropped, which i've observed myself for months. probably i have realised that there are things which i need to lose my tolerance and be insistent in my decision.

Met my SJAB junior on my way home yesterday..got to learn more about some things in life..

deadlines for all reports are around the corner..A.maths 'O' level will be kicking off next monday..and my tcm lessons are going to have extra lessons again....

professional communication presentation's tomorrow...a little nervous though..but will still be wearing that strength which could give me more confidence to present.

really hope my presentation'll be smooth-sailing..

A quote which i find it true..
*For those people who are really listening, they will definitely understand...*

*sian...human resource management test tomorrow...and i still got to attend my tcm student union meeting later...*

get very fatigue easily..partly cos of all the upcoming tests..upcoming exams..'O' level exams...upcoming reports deadlines to meet..

reports reports n i hate writing them... =(

gotten myself really in a nasty mood..arg..

in sch right now..writing blog..getting sick of my life sometimes..with all the busy schedules to meet..

probably still trying to get used to my current life now ba..though i keep saying tat i'm used to my life now..

sigh,.my handphone pouch is damaged... (T_T) bought it last year, after the incident..
it could be me being too sentimental or sensitive..whatever things which belongs to me are damaged in their parts, i will feel scared..as if there might be unexpected omens or God is trying to tell me something..
handphone...my kappa bag..my watch which dennis bought for me..n now my handphone pouch (which i bought it after the incident)...

now i even scare of flying back to HK..i'm scared of flying back for the wrong purpose...

too many things which God is trying to tell me in His quiet ways, and sometimes i can get very scared...

finally...

Finally..for my part of the Integrated Design project report, finished a huge portion..

Spent the whole day to do...took quite a long time, partly cos of the low morale which the report's given to me..but i've to do my part, or else it doesn't reflect very well of me as a team mate..but it's really a torture for me to write reports...it's so technical and dead...

AutoCAD software's giving me a lot of problems and till now, still i'm not managed to feed it to Lala..She's puking AutoCAD out...!! ARG...!!
but anyway, my bro's helping me to search for a remedy.

spring-cleaning of my brothers' and my room after lunch...and we created quite a havoc while spring-cleaning..Basically my brothers and I were more of having fun, laughing away while cleaning up the room..to us, spring-cleaning is a noisy and play time.. =p

feeling a little better after listening to a well-known china professor (her name is 于丹) who is giving talks on "庄子" (zhuang zi) . basically, 庄子 is an ancient renowned philosopher. According to my understanding, his core teaching of his philosophical theories is all about attitude - using our heart to understand and see the world.
And 于丹 mentioned something about knowing ourselves in 庄子's philsophy, as well as the seduction of materials and money in today's world. Her every explanation is clear and true.

can't wait to get a new handphone...with camera which allows me to transfer my photos into the computer. wanna take pictures of every little thing which i see in life, then post it over here...maybe i'll not get all so depressed or anything...
but still wanna keep my this current handphone.....

another upcoming busy week..sian.... (-_-) i hope the busy times will just stop...for me to rest...

now, i am starting to get worried about my future working life..i dun like writing reports....!!!!!!!!

(T_T)

Self pity and scepticism

still feeling nasty after the sleep.. basically i've no idea what's wrong with me..hiccups, i guess..and i'm sick of myself having such emotional hiccups, i am always finding hard to remove them..

think the inferior complexity is upsetting me again..

and i hate writing reports....!!!!! arggg.....

feel very stressed up now... =(

* "Chicago" is brillant but i've missed "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" =( musicals rock *

been extremely fatigue these few days..reports and reports..n i dislike writing them..

donated blood and my physical conditins are in hiccup conditiion again..if i dun eat, i go hungry..but if i eat, my stomach'll give me problems.. sigh..

n i'm feeling fat, n such feeling is accumulating everyday..plus some comments from KW, who is under the same FYP research student..he teased me of being fat twice.. (T_T) sigh..but i guess i am really fat..

studying in sch at night's a good ambience..but going home somehow feels empty...not tat i dislike going home alone..but it's juz tat emptiness but at the same time, seems to be a quiet time of asking a series of unanswered questons to God..

i'm really tired..sometimes i dun wanna stay in singapore..i juz want to travel around..take photos of all people who interest my eyes..

my professional communication presentation rehearsal's a disaster to me. i din do very well, and i find difficulty to express myself well..and i am getting very worried about myself...i can't talk...i feel i am a mute....

for a moment, i question myself - where am i now? who am i now? are these all God's arrangements?

Watched this jap movie "Crying out Love in the Centre of the World" just now..

Plot summary: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socrates_in_Love
In a small regional town in 1980s southern Japan, Sakutaro "Saku" Matsumoto and Aki Hirose, who were classmates all through junior high school, become high school students and then fall in love with one another. They share audio diaries, go on excursions together, and enjoy summer vacation. However, Aki soon finds herself suffering from leukemia and begins to weaken day by day, rendering her unable to see Saku or go outside. Saku, desperate to take Aki to Uluru (Ayer's Rock) in Australia (the "Center of the World" in the Japanese title), a place she had wished to go to, desperately tries to achieve just that. Aki dies before ever boarding the plane, and Saku is left to live out his life without her.
17 years later, as an older, sombre Saku trudges through everyday existence, the last tape of Aki's audio diary is suddenly unearthed, leading Saku back to his hometown in the south, and back into his memories of his last days with Aki.

I love the way of how they communicate with each other, by recording over tapes of what they wanna tell each other..the mode of communication is very simple yet significant. and somehow or rather it just brings back memories of how dennis n i used to communicate when both of us were in junior college and we were not allowed to meet for a period of time due to some obstruction in the beginning of our relationship. of course, not through tapes, but through emails..writing about daily stuff and encouraging each other to study hard for our 'A' levels over the emails. n till now, i still do keep those emails...juz like how Saku still keeps the cassette tapes.

hmm..dun worry..i'm not crying anymore now, i have told myself before. but ok, i cried a little over the movie.. haa..cos it's really very touching..especially the last part when Saku listens to the tape last recorded by Aki.

Definitely touching movie, though the young Saku played by the young actor is not very good-looking.. =p

Plot is pretty simple and the way of presenting the story is smooth, simple and clear.

hadn't been in a tip-top physical conditions these few days..
probably cos i've cried quite badly on the sunday night once i laid on my bed. been harbouring negative thoughts again, kept feeling that i am being kept at a far distance from him nowadays. probably he's really too busy to bother me and i feel i'm sort of pestering him..but such thoughts were only an one-sided judgement, and i dun dare to ask cos i'm scared to hear any negative truth.

but hmm..i've decided not to cry anymore. i've been in such state for months, and such state has been torturing my physical health for months. my stomach, liver organs are not functioning normally. the next thing i'm worried is my heart. i'm getting worried (or paranoid) that my emotional condition will only get my heart condition worse over time, if i dun do anything.
and studying tcm really puts me in good stead as i am becoming aware of my own health.
so i shall shift my attention to maintaining a well-balanced health.

work load for my ID project is piling up, and in a few weeks' time, exams are coming up. especially my tcm..human anatomy's super lots of things to memorise, but i dun tink the return of the jc-biophobia is back. i'm taking the tcm subjects in an optimistic way. One thing i am very sure of is - God is really amazing.

shifting my focus to my studies..no time to lose anymore..and i really have no more energy to cry anymore..

but definitely i am going to prove to everyone who reads my blog, tat i can manage my these two degrees well.

shall put those guy-girl matters aside for the time being. I just leave this to God's arrangements.