Self-reflection of the week

TADA! Japanese curry rice cooked by Master Chef AG!

A quick entry during my lunch now..

The past few days have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. Traumatised and paranoid. It's really bad. And I've been lazy to take my chinese medicine pills which can help my body to manage the deficiency in the balance in some parts of my body.

And I should not have thought too much, made too much theories/hypothesis. It is affecting my mood and may eventually in my life. And I may have accidentally hurt others' feeling with my careless thoughtless words. But I decide to keep these posts, to remind myself about how silly I used to be and the chaos in my mind while struggling to find order in chaos. It's a huge mental and intellectual struggle for me. 人言可贵，人言可危。

Thank God it's Friday.

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Went to Guan Yin Temple with AG last Sun. Went to seek Goddess for an answer through drawing the divination lot. It's a very good lot - and I just need to be patient and wait for the ripe time.

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Can't believe that my role as the lead is due to some small political reasons..well, i am the innocent and the ignorant one, and somehow was pulled into..and well i can feel somehow i was "puppetted" by 2 sides.

Kinda confirmed my hypothesis of human - greed. Greed for power, and misuses it.

I can't comment much, but I've seen how others can too excited and overwhelmed by the leadership appointed to and try to overshadow the main one.

Somehow it triggers me to understand what makes a good leader. I observe that to be a good and respected leader, he needs to be able to respect his members and his boss, recognises the credits to be of a team effort rather than giving self-credits, objective in executing his plans and not due to any personal selfish reasons. Self-reflection is important for a good leader so that he can keep reflecting what he has done and what mistakes he need to avoid and the areas he can improve upon himself. Calm and steady, decisive in the objectives and not be emotionally lead by selfish reasons. And proper leadership training and reading books on leadership and history can be very useful in nurturing excellent leadership qualities.

Well, kinda idealistic ah? But how many can fulfil that? Many are easily blinded and overwhelmed by the sudden power he can have. Probably maybe even for me, I may be blinded too or was once blinded?

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AG picked me up after lesson today..dun know why - i feel a lot better..

But still i need to continue exercising..seriously i need to slim down....

Exhausted, she faced herself at the mirror and the mirror image of her started to talk.

Mirror She: YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! THINKING THAT YOU HAVE FINALLY LEFT ME?! I'VE NEVER LEFT, AND YOU KNOW IT, THAT'S WHY YOU ARE BACK TO FACE ME AGAIN.

She: I don't know why I'm coming back...

Mirror She: COS YOU START TO BE SCARED! YOU START TO FEAR YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE LOSING SOMEONE DEAR TO YOU.

She: I don't know. I din mean to do that..I just want to be confident.

Mirror She:
CONFIDENT, MY ASS! LOOK AT YOURSELF!
YOU ARE FAT,
YOU NAG A LOT,
YOU MAKE SO MANY COMMENTS, THINKING HIGHLY OF YOURSELF,
YOU ARE PARANOID,
YOU RESTRICT AND
YOU ARE A CRYBABY!

LOOK AT YOURSELF, HOW CAN YOU COMPETE WITH THE OTHER GIRLS IN HIS WORKPLACE. YOU ARE NOT EVEN QUALIFIED TO STAND NEXT TO ANY OF THEM - THEY ARE SLIM AND PRETTY, HAVE BETTER DRESS SENSE, ACT MORE LIKE A NORMAL WOMAN.

AND LOOK AT YOURSELF! YOU ARE NOT LASTING AT ALL, AND YOU EXPECT HIM TO BE ATTRACTED TO YOU FOR A LONG TIME! FAT HOPE, YOU ABNORMAL LADY! THAT ONLY HAPPEN IN YOUR LA-LA LAND!

She: I... (Speechless)

Mirror She: LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR! HOW MISERABLE YOU LOOK!
YOU CAN'T EVEN FIGHT FOR YOURSELF! HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE!

SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT YOURSELF. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE WILL LIKE YOU FOR LONG? YOU DUN EVEN WEAR A DRESS!

She: I can't wear...I've fats disposed at the wrong part of my body..I've trying for years, exercising..but...the fats just couldn't go...

Mirror She: COS YOU ARE FATED TO BE SHAPED IN THIS WAY. YOU ARE FATED TO BE NOT ATTRACTED BY THE ONE YOU LOVE FOR LONG. COS THERE'RE ALWAYS GREENER PASTURE OUT THERE. AND YOU, WILL BE ONE PATHETIC LOOKING SHEEP.
PROBABLY YOU DON'T KNOW THIS - YOU ARE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND IN THE WORLD.

The mirror image vanished, leaving her with her real mirror image - heavily stabbed, randomly all over her heart.

She held back her tears. She decided to remain the vulnerable sheep. Before heading to bed and cry herself to sleep, she put on a new coat in hope that it will give her the strength to bravely and happily face a new day and everyone around her.

But she will never know - a sign "The Worst Girlfriend in the World" was pasted on her back.

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I don't know what's wrong with me - I'm tearing again with the thought of the dream. I know I need to handle this myself, cos if I continued to mention this dream and my depression to AG, I will only irritate him and make him to distance from me.

Had a nightmare last night and kinda affected my thoughts the whole day.. =(

It's the same kind of nightmare - AG dumping me for another girl who looks a lot better and slimmer than me. And in addition, this time in the dream he was pinpointing my negative points..It's the 3rd time I had such a dream..It's scary..especially at this period when I start to put on weight..many of my colleagues notice that and feedback to me.. (T___T)

I just feel very terrible of myself now..feel lousy about myself..unwanted fats have come invading to the different parts of my body. And I dun wear dress..i can't wear dress..i've no confidence to wear dresses...i feel fat at my legs...i feel fat at my belly..i feel fat at my arms!!!
Sigh...

Almost the whole day i was thinking very negatively about myself..keeping reprimanding myself..pinpointing myself all my negative points - i'm not slim..i've thick claves..i dun dare to wear dress..i'm naggy..i can't go overseas with AG...i can't talk well when interacting with his parents...i'm financially idiot...i feel i can't meet his expectations...

The whole day everytime when i think about it, i can feel myself on the verge of tears...i feel really nasty...

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AG cooked japanese curry rice for us on sunday..he's a good cook.. =) and he's a good soft drink mixer..ahhaa..

For all these months, he's been treating me well..been trying to give in to me...dun know why, it feels that i've known him for very long and feel very comfortable with him though it's only one yr and 5 months...

Had a nice dinner with AG on Friday, and we drank beer..and goodness me, how lousy i am..i only finished 3/4 of the beer and i started to feel hot and started jibble jabble "i'm very tired...i cannot drink liao.." blab blab blab...basically i'm talking nonsense..whahaha..i'm so lousy...

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I was asked to be the main lead actoress and singer for a musical organised by my department for an event and i accepted it.. Gosh, feeling excited yet nervous...excited cos it's been a long time since i acted and from the script i'm relatively confident that I can act pretty well..need to dance hip hop too, hmm..think should be able to pull it off cos i've learnt two types of dance though not hip hop..hahha..but need to sing in front of many people....arg....that i'm very very nervous....

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hhaa..attended a course for the past 3 days..and hahah..i can know more engineers and more about my behavioural profile in my workplace too!!

And hmm..i find it relatively surprising - I'm a CS person! C meaning compliant, correct while S meaning stable steady..

And a CS means a precisionist, perfectionist or traditional one. Here's the details...

Individuals who are Precisionists exhibit a precise, detailed, stable nature. They are systematic who tend to follow procedures in both personal and business life. They act in a highly tactful, diplomatic fashion and rarely antagonise their associates consciously, taking care to avoid conflict. Extremely conscientious, they painstakingly require accuracy in work and maintain high standards. Precisionists like a protected and secure environment with set rules and regulations, and dislike sudden changes, They like people but prefer having only a few close friends. Exactness is of the essence to Precisionists, and criticism (their greatest fear) is equated with failure. They can be counted on to carry out tasks correctly. They want exact facts and figures before they will make a decision and feel uneasy when forced to decide anything quickly. Predictability and security are the greatest goals for a Precisionist. This is true in all aspects of a Precisionist's life; the more stable the environment, the happier they are.

Precisionists in History:
Ludwig van Beethoven
Leonardo da Vinci

And can I believe my eyes!!! I'm in the same category as Leonardo da Vinci!! He's been my role model since sec sch!!! whahahaha..make me very proud of myself and happy for the past 3 days..hahaha..keep telling myself that i can succeed in life!

well..how true..i will have to say the DISC personalities system is 90% true of my behavourial profile in work. whahaa..!!

And there're also other 2 graphs which reflects my mask public self (behaviour expected by others) and my core private self (instinctive response to pressure).

From these 2 graphs, the coach explained to me and the rest that my first graph (my mask public self) indicates a contradicting me (being "I" influencing, inspiring and "C" compliant, correct at the same time) with a low "D" dominant, driver.

He explained that however when I'm faced with pressure, my "D" and "S" (stable, steady) heightens significantly, meaning I can handle pressure steadily and start to take the lead in a dominating way. Also he mentioned that I may have a suppressed "D" and indicated that my potential of being the leader to take that great leap is not revealed yet.

Make me even more determined of what I want to pursue in my career life.

Well, make a lot of wonderful friends during the course...met one engineer who is a perankan and he speaks cantonese and he loves one old-time HK singer!! I was very surprised when he mentioned his fav singer to me, cos i din know at my age, i do meet ppl with similar fav HK old-time singer..hahaha.. but he's very technical..whahaha..and for some reasons, i know he's from RI and i notice his height and gesture looks kinda similar to SE (my JC class chairman)...make me wonder whether it is under influence of the school... =p whhaha..anyway from all the conversations, he's one whom i think he reads a lot and have diverse knowledge..

and i met one scholar who is from HK too!!! whaha..actually i'm not supposed to label him, but he's one whom i respect very much. He doesn't like to be labelled as a scholar and he has relatively good leadership skills.

Love this course..!!

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My course ended today and before heading to my colleague's wedding dinner, went to my fav church to pray...

I feel i really need an answer from Him and need the strength and the determination..and also pray that He gives me the right person to be with for the rest of my life...There's so much uncertainty and insecurity i'm facing right now..

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Before the wedding dinner, attended the colleague's solemnisation which took place an hour before the dinner.

It was a very emotional and touching solemnisation..the chief justice is very humourous, making many jokes and also at the same time, in his humourous way, unintentionally make my colleague and us cry. The vows towards each other were another touching scene. Both of them were tearing away as they said their vows to each other.

For some reasons, i guess it is the pledge which makes everyone tear. i held back my tears - i dun like myself to be seen crying. Such clinche statements - to be with him/her in sickness, etc - every married couples recite yet nowadays, many fail to remember their promises to each other along the way...

Guess everyone in the room tears because all of us realise to maintain a blissful marriage takes two hands to clap constantly and also both having the optimism that they will live happily together.

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My colleague, Id, took pre-wedding photos of this colleague. Very great photos he's taken and the couple was really very spontaneous, especially the jumping shots. They are lovely!

To see these photots, you can go to http://www.idalyphotography.com/ to check out "Molly and Chieng Kiat' Pre Wedding". Great photos I will have to say.

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Hee..AG made this for me...initially i kinda guessed right that he was making a rose out of tissue when he was doing something secretive under the table..haha..but what surprised me was how well he folded it..hahha.. =D

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I love this video clip! Makes me happy..whahaha...!

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just some probably irrational and emotional rattering..

For the past few days have been very tiring for me..think 4 days a week is taking physical and mental toll..but this is only one difficulty level up..heard it will be 5 days a week in the future..

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Went to attend the inter-division games organised by the department..i din take part any..actually i wanna take part in badminton badly, but i think i am very lousy and there're ladies who play more regular and better than me...

but watching them play today really makes my hands itch ...i miss playing badminton...
jus
=(

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Dun know what's wrong with me..can feel myself tearing a little whenever i'm thinking about it..

think i'm kinda scared that such issue will happen the second time to me, and may eventually lead to something which i've to experience it again..

but well i just hope for the best and prepare for the worst. i dun want to have any pressure..i just need to be strong and keep telling myself that probably it's God's intention and plan for me..

but then for this one, i can really picture myself having a happy future..i can really feel happy whenever i think about it..

but oh well, i need to stay faith in God and just lets Him do the planning for me..

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AG just did something sweet... =) make me feel kinda touched and tear a little..i'm very lousy, rite? too emotional of me...

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Last Sunday's my first time doing a outdoor wedding shot. Think I am really brave..bought the camera for less than a month and then i'm into this..whaha...

but it's a very good experience..hahha..i love it even though it is very tiring...whahha..

oki, shall show you some photos in the future..need to do some editng to the photos first... =p

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For some reasons, i realise that the road to marriage is tough. It doesn't matter whether one is good-natured, has good personalities or appealing appearance. It is about timing, luck and fate.

First day of work. Tired....hahha..

Been telling myself that I cannot be late for work anymore, must be punctual to work. Tentatively i'm pretty happy..

work's still manageable but i believe it will start picking up soon...

my clinical attachment started on monday..now need to go back sch 4 times a week, attachment session once a week..gosh..but i like it..!

My first lesson of my 3rd year 2nd semester started yesterday. Microbiology..no exam!! yeah!! all we need to do is to do 2 reports of any research topic as long as it's related to microbiology and what's good is...he allows us to write the report in English!!! yeah..!! super happy...hahhaa...

Got a first photography assignment...kinda nervous although the lady is very nice..gosh...really hope i can take good photos for them...i'm very nervous.........

Tada!! AG cooked this lunch for both of us!! yum yum!!


hhaha...i plucked the asaparagus..hahaha..so not very nice-looking..hee...

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HAPPY 2010 TO YOU ALL!!!


haha..so fast! One year's gone!!


hmm..looking back at 2009...recalling all the most ridiculous/memorable incidents happened in 2009..


1) Cried badly in office.
One which immediately came across my mind. Reflecting upon why I cried was that i wanted to do a good job, a perfect job..i dun want to let my boss down..and i dun believe myself that i can't do well..i dun wanna admit defeat.


2) Bought my very first dslr using my own money!
Been thinking to get it over a year...haha..


3) First time being a liaison officer for a big company event.


4) AG and I took lovely walk at the reservoir together after dinner.


5) Teared on Chinese New Year period cos missed AG who was overseas during that time.


6) Breakfast and lunch sessions with AG.


7) Quarrelled with my parents. Cried over the phone and complained to AG.


8) AG cooked all the lovely dishes... =)


9) AG bought a big xmas gift for me after all my trials of rejections.


10) Bought a big birthday gift for AG.

11) AG got me the big complete biography of Leonardo da Vinci. I was so touched that i almost teared...

12) 2 sets of shopping vouchers for my birthday given by my colleagues and ZJ they all..

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OKi...back to 2010!!!

My 2010 resolution!!
1) Exercise to slim down!!

2) Continue to work hard and strive for my tcm studies!

3) New challenge!

4) Cook more dishes for AG. =)

5) Prime lens at the end of the year. hahahaha...!

6) Dress and carry out myself more confidently!