had a terrible nightmare last night. cried myself to wake up in the morning, ended up almost half of my day to be very emotionally tolerating..
probably this nightmare's just a preliminary practice for me to handle with any foreseen future. i hate that feeling.
i hate the feeling whenever unhappy predictions i have made and they have seemed to come true most of the time..
probably it's the human nature which i have often predicted correctly most of the time.
and i really dislike this kind of "i could feel the omen" feeling....

anyway tried to get myself back to focus to studies the whole day.

getting to feel the stress level when my students are going to take their "O" levels prelims and i am going to have tests. furthermore, contents for environmental hydraulics and surface water quality are starting to get kinda challenging. mathematics which are taught and learnt during year one are applied. (T_T) have to revise...!!!!

integrated design module is starting to get fired up. i wanna go Cambodia, if my project team were to be one of the best. I wanna go cambodia..wanna go take a look at the real project which my module lecturer has participated in. hmm..well, at least it gets me more motivated and let me forget about the nightmare.

human anatomy lecture tmr...arg......i love the lecturer and the lecture, but it's getting real challenging to remember all many medical terms.

bought a packet of jelly beans to rescue my periodic starvation. it really works, at least my stomach never groans badly in the tutorial/lecture room, especially when the lecture environment is super quiet. and i actually ate nothing but a few jelly beans to survive myself throughout the whole day.
haha..good good...i can't wait myself to slim down further.

the day went on as usual. and today's lecture by huang shi fu was super bored.. (T_T) Dozed off in the end.
First, cos i'm fatigue. Second, cos i'm bored.

Decided not to go for the interview session for one of the overseas volunteer trip. Looked through the video clip for last year's trip..Not really interest me a lot, probably cos the living conditions being protrayed seems to be comparatively good, compared to the one which Chia Se team went last year. From the video clip, the kids still have a very clean and big room to study. With proper clean uniforms, with big and clean chairs and tables, unlike the kids in Kim Bai.

So, even if i were to go for the interview, i dun think i could convince the interview committee that i am passionate of being involved in next year's trip.

hahahh.. =p

need to start to get my plans implemented as soon as possible. i am starting to feel fat.. (T_T)

sigh, it's tough to be a lady in today's world.

ok, me got to go...have many things to do...

sian ah.............................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahah..been listening to the "Secret" movie OST the whole day. ahha...find the tracks super nice......!!!!

Hmm..been listening to the movie "Secret" OST via S.O.'s website for almost the whole day.....studied a great deal of human anatomy...and also thought through things a lot...

watched the taiwan serial drama "Angel Lover" too..and i think i saw myself in a few characters..hha..have kinda sorted out my thoughts too..

and definitely, many of my friends have been trying to talk sense and reality into my head.

Hmmm....maybe i really have to just put it away. The past has happened and ya...

Shall not talked so much over this in my blog anymore. Cos i feel saying so much doesn't change things and will only make things worse.

Shall juz keep to myself. It'll be better, i guess.

yup...

anyway, school has been having many overseas voluntary work events. Very tempted to go....will go check it out, and hope the event/s doesn't/dun clash with any of my other stuff.
Hope i can go...wanna go overseas again for such purpose...

and also at least i could get out of this place, for a while...free of problems and be myself out there...

and yup, i have made a few plans for my upcoming years..hee..so these are my few plans...

(1) take up sign language course from the Sinapore Association for the Deaf.
(2) take up basic french language course.
(3) take up sketching course from the Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts
(4) visit as many art exhibitions as possible.
(5) attend as many musicals and threatre dramas as possible (of course attend those which i am interested)
(6) join the Welfare Services Club and help out as a volunteer to interact with the intellectually disabled people
(7) Read up more on communication skills
(8) find the original mansze - the one whom i knew her in SACSS.
(9) Slim down...although i have the urge of going for plastic surgery, juz like the "200 pounds beauty"..hahaha..

Yup, think tat's all for now first..hahaha.. =p
All these will occupy myself for quite some time...hahaa...

sigh...initially get to write something...a long paragraph...

but somehow or rather, din manage to upload and my tat draft is gone..

have so many things to say..

but well, probably it's fate...

whatever i want to say now, will not be read. will not be seen.

Probably God is telling me something..

Sometimes i wish He will appear in my dreams and tell me what i am supposed to do, how i am supposed to let go.

Probably He's been trying to tell me something. Probably i may have noticed it. Probably i find it too hard and fast to swallow.
i choose to ignore. cos it'll only make me feel worse.

Been hearing the "Secret" movie OST track 15 from S.O. site..it's very nice...it plays with the melachonly of sadness, and grief.

till now, i still couldn't get to sleep.
ya..again..

anyway made a few plans for my upcoming years...but definitely getting attached is a total out of my plan. i know myself.

share my plans with all of u next time...

definitely i am giving up tuition works next year..
i wanna do other things. though i'll not be as well paid as now.
share with u all tmr ba...

Hmmm...blogging for the sake of making this blog a light-heartened one....

hahaha..

hmm..basically my day today was pretty enjoyable..hmm..but i think i'll enjoy tomorrow more. human anatomy lecture tomorrow..! yeah...

i miss wearing high-heeled shoes..maybe will try wearing them tomorrow..

haha..so crappy...

=p

ok, hope this's a more delightful one.. =p

was feeling better in the day...not much depressed...

one of my student told me something which kinda amused me for almost a day..

well.....

hahhaa..she told me that i look like a dancer, one who performs modern dance...

MUHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA....!!!

My first reaction was shocked, surprised and very amused...it's the first time when someone gives me such a comment..hahhaa...first time having someone saying that i look like a dancer..hahahahhahahaa....

and definitely her comment lightened up my day..though i dun really agree with her remark...cos i dun carry the qualities of a dancer...hahaa..

but wait...what kind of modern dance? artistic form of modern dance...or those logically comprehensive form of modern dance...? heee... =p

but i only like one dance.

Waltz.

i love waltz (do i say it correctly?). slow, steady and graceful.
my favourite.
and i like such elements to be injected in a relationship of mine. slow and steady, never get tired easily.

anyway, i'm not cut out for a relationship, so na...not to dwell on this topic for too long...

ok, back to the main topic.

caught a bad cold. sneezing non-stop during huang shi fu's lesson today. yet i bought a cup of iced mocha from coffeebean.
hhaa..but i feel happier after treating myself a cup of mocha.

well, ok, tat's the end of my happy day.

Depression and Contradiction juz subconsciously crawl and cling to me when night falls.

i'm starting to get used to it. and i'm starting to feel there's a level of professionism in me.
in the day, i smile, i laugh, i joke with my friends around me.
in the night, i am
just myself. Always talking to God, seeking for His guidance and companion..

i feel i am starting see my life as a profession. when i am not alone, i put in the best effort to smile and joke, so as to cheer others up. if possible, i want to make my presence an optimistic impact upon people around me. in fact, i like it this way.

probably an evolution of a new mood species starts to take its form.

today's dennis's birthday.

hope he has enjoyed his day today.

*************************************

as for me, i tried to pass the day as light-heartening as possible. but it seemed to fail...been very fatigue and un-motivated the whole day, and i was surprised when DLY told me that i was in a good mood today - "smile like a kid"..

hhaa..

but ok la, at least i realised that i could hide my feelings better now. at least even when i laughed and smiled, it didn't reveal any of my saddness.

i juz wish that i've selective short term memory, only remember the happy things. i juz wish that i've selective thinking, only think of the necessary things which are important at the moment.

been having very negative thoughts recently, and it's very tiring to think...thoughts of why my this relationship failed...keep thinking that it's all my problems..keeping thinking that i failed cos that i dun have the socially acceptable external appearance..that i am not smart like the other ladies..that i can't talk well..that i dun know this, dun know that..that i am not interesting enough to have a relationship maintained for long..

it's really very tiring...sometimes i am thinking is that i have not kept myself busy enough...thinking whether i should keep myself busier to the extent which makes myself faint out of extreme fatigue.

sometimes i really wonder what God wants me to do..
before the whole breakup, i am already feeling aura of omens..signs of omens...the handphone which he gave me was spoiled..the last piece of cross-stitch which i sewed for him was not completed with the rest of 3 letters...etc etc...

sometimes i really wonder how others can get past with their breakup...and many can even get attached to another after a few weeks of breakups..it's a scary sight to me..

i still try to take dennis as a very good friend of mine..and i hope he does too...

sigh...i dun know..maybe i am losing touch with his life...cos even if i asked, i hardly get an enthusiastic reply...

ARG...anyway.....take me crapping away...i need a space to vent out....

ok, me shall stop here. completely no mood to study....

ARGHHh...anyway juz take me crapping away...take it as my usual outbreak of periodic depression..

窗外。
坐着。
望着。
人潮。

她喝着手紧握着她最爱的Starbucks Mocha。

下雨了。
仍坐着。
仍望着。
人潮呢？
都散了。

她仍喝着mocha，仍望着窗外的变化。

咖啡厅多了人潮。
咖啡厅多了热闹。
咖啡厅多了温暖。

但少了一份孤独。

可能是多了混乱，
可能是多了分心，
可能是多了遗忘，

她手紧握着的mocha，被她的混乱倒翻了。

纸巾，
手帕，
海绵。

“就别再执着。”
是那咖啡厅的店员。

眼，泛红了。

雨停了。
人散了。
她？
仍坐着。
仍望着。

仍紧握那个杯子。

同一样的杯子，
多了一份空虚。

been not myself recently.
hmm.
in fact, ever since the breakup, i've never been myself, unless i'm in vietnam with the Chia Se team.

but it's a path which i've chosen to take, as a form of self-punishment.

too many reasons. too many factors. it's not convenient to list down here either.

still feeling moody though. probably i really have no idea of how to handle it. to me, keeping myself "occupied to the neck" (as mentioned by my buddy) is my way of solving problems.

anyway glad that i din doze off during those important lectures. for those non-important lectures like HR management, i juz choose to switch off. maybe will even consider of skipping it. =p

lab sessions're getting tiring and more frequent...but it's pretty fun la, cos HB often makes jokes and treat me n HM cakes, coffee, and cakes...and coffee...n cakes..but no durian fruit (he ate it himself). =p
and he's been treating us like younger sisters...hahaha..treat us sweets etc etc...probably me n HM have been pretty cheerful n jumpy..hahahhhahaa..
but he's another workaholic...so ended up making us feel kinda stressed, right from the commencement of school.
but well, then again he's patient guy, and we are still glad to have him guiding us along. hee..

starting to dislike sleeping time. nightmares of myself being abandoned and left alone. tears to put me to sleep.
but yet, i wake up, feeling refreshed.

went TTSH for a medical seminar with my z3 ppl...

pretty informative seminar and it seems to have been a long time since i met the z3 ppl...hahaa..

anyway saw a friend there, together with the rest of my src detachment ppl..and i can't believe my this friend msg me sth which was pretty hurting to me..sigh..but anyway forget it, i dun want to think about it..it juz kinda disappointing and hurting..

after the whole seminar, went bk with them, and was kena teased by SO and EC.. (-_-") i was teased until i had nothing to say but to keep laughing away..hahaha..but well, it did make me forget about unhappy stuff for a moment..

haha..oH ya..noticed sth which reminds me of dennis's ex-hairstyle..hahaha..

finally got a chance to have dinner with my family. it's been 2 weeks since i last had dinner with them.

school tomorrow..! got to go school early juz to put some stuff into an oven... (T_T) and got to rush to lab after lectures...sigh...and i could only end my school at around 9 in the night...

initially was very excited to go school tmr, cos finally can get to see the rest of my lecture kakis...but thinking of going to lab more often, i'm not very keen..

probably i've high expectations of myself for this final year project. i wanna to involve more in the design planning of the project, and i am feeling very distant from the project. and i am getting the chemical terms and calculation wrong recently, which i am very pissed with my own performance. cos it doesn't reflect well on my own ability..!

anyway heard some news about SAC from an officer, after the seminar. Was a little worried for the girls, cos it seems to me that they're not very well-supported. but i can't go back to help. i've too many things at hand now, and i can't squeeze anymore time for them le..

my colleagues called me up on friday. they tried to pull a trick on me and i fell into their trick. omg..haaha
but hearing the voice from one of colleagues who sat behind me, i almost wanna cried..hahhhha..

going to be very moody lately until something has passed. so do bear with me.. =p

but maybe i would say, at least i have things to be occupied to the extent which i hope will numb me totally...

one thing i know, i've developing a habit of saying "so tired", "i'm very tired" or "very tired. i want to sleep".

haha..

been very tired..n un-motivated...

my final year project doesn't seem to be very smooth-sailing for me personally...n i dislike my own performance.. =(

feel terrible right now...

probably i am feeling exhausted too...so exhausted and terrible that i've no mood to narrate the happy things..

PHOTOs..!!! =D

these are the roses which i made for my female colleagues. stayed up till very late...wrote them individual letters to most of my colleagues, including my bosses. hahaa...

Welcome to my desk..! hahhaa..messy rite? i've worse..

for self-motivation purposes. hahaha..

the cups which had been together with me since the start of my attachment.
i decorated this. first, to motivate myself. second, to prevent the office assistant to clear my cup while i was away for toilet break. u see this girl who is holding a flower, rite? haha..yes, that's me! XD

i pasted this at my desk, for self-motivation.

hmm..haha..Yes, pasted some tcm stuff. so when i'm bored, i can look at it "secretly".. =p
another self-motivation stuff..hahha...yup, this girl is me..! hahhaa.. =D

but at the end of my attachment, i've forgotten to take it off.. i'll miss it... hahaha..

ok, this is the potted plant which has been standing quietly beside my desk. it may be silent, it gives me the strength to go on...hahhahaa...ok, this is so crappy..


dim sum buffet treated by my Deputy Director of my attached division..!
i ate a lot there...my colleagues were stunned..hahaha..
last day of my attachment. went to WaterHub for another buffet lunch. this is my colleague's car..! he bought this car, mainly cos his wife loves this kind of car. so sweet..!
me in the beetle car..hahaha..

my supervisor and me..!
the director of my attached department and me....ahaha..he's a very cute boss..hahaha..

C, J and me..! the 3 youngest girls in the department..! hahahhaha..!
ok, this is the bear which is bought for J's birthday..,expensive bear...and his name is called "Jash".

So, say "hello" to him..!

"HELLOooOOO..!!"

card bought by my colleagues for my last day there..! it's very big..! so big that i actually hugged the card when i received it..! XD
ok, these are the photos..

will update on my happenings more tmr..

very tired now..

bye bye..