Don't know what's wrong with me recently..had all sorts of weird dreams - dreamt of my boss and me feeling pressurized...tied to a bungee thingy and thrown up and down in the air...and my lips being injured by a fish hook, yet didn't feel any pain..

Hmmmm...

Think the boss's expectations really have been stressing me a lot...i'm kinda worried that my numerous questions posed to him may have posed to him that i am not very intelligent...  :s  and don't know why i may have portrayed to him as a not very hardworking worker...sigh...

I am intelligent, just that to avoid any form of misunderstanding, i wanna ask more to double confirm!!! I am hardworking, i have been making a lot of notes to memorise..!!!!

i will survive..i will survive...!!!

Exams are around the corner..i am starting to feel the stress...

Think i'm starting to become paranoid since the disappointment incident..i'm starting to worry if i will be dismissed for the incapability..i don't want to disappoint my boss again..but don't know why, things are not going smoothly for me these few days, i made mistakes which i have never made before in my past 3 years..think i've put too much pressure on myself...

sigh...

really hope i can regain my self-confidence and boss's confidence in my capability.

don't stress too much, mantou...don't stress too much...relax.....

Not an excellent morning to begin today. Again, I have disappointed my boss. I was shocked because i thought i've perfected my work before sending to him. Only the second time when i made the mistake (a different mistake this time), i was finally enlightened what the root of my problem is...

Couldn't agree more with my boss about his very first feedback to me on Thursday - I did not listen. Initially i have to be honest with myself that i do kinda doubt it. My initial thoughts were that it couldn't be - during normal conversations, i could remember every single thing the other party is saying. I can even remember what the event is during the conversation. But then since today's incident, i kinda know the reason.

For my past 3 years' working experiences, i have been very much attuned to taking instructions via emails, resulting in my deterioration to listen attentively to verbal instructions. I am glad that i learnt my big lessons right now during my probation period.

Of course, i am not going to let it happen. It will affect my performance! So I've come out with a solution and i believe this time, it'll work successfully.

Seriously i want to prove to my boss that i am willing to learn, willing to change to the better, and that i am worthy of his guidance and employment.

The more i reflect, the more i feel i have indeed made a wise decision. I am still grateful for my very first employment experience. But on this second career path experience, I realize there are hundreds of things which i am totally inexperienced and that i need to tell myself - this is the period when you are improving yourself. That is why you have made this decision to move out of the comfort zone. The road may be tough, but you just gonna press on and keep telling yourself that you can do it. Do not despair. Do not give up easily. Keep on thinking of solutions to improve yourself.

Think i have mentioned my career ambition too soon...

these 2 days have been a disaster for me in work..it was totally unsatisfactory!! Sigh....totally disappointed with myself..wanted to explain to my boss, but after some thoughts, i decided to hold them back, will only reflect myself taking excuses...i guess i've put my guard down in work, as a result, i did not put in 100% effort in making sure my work a total perfection before sending to my boss.

after some reflection, i find it weird - why i will do that? how come i can end up like this? i guess after all i need to get back my self-discipline back. i need to quickly transform myself into a perfectionist.

i told myself before - i want to work for this boss, right from the start after the first interview with him. i know i can grow, i can improve under his leadership. i must learn the good work ethnics from him. i must press on!! i must transform!!! i can do it!!!

Finally all back to my regularity!! ZJ's wedding was just over on Saturday and i was honored to be one of the bridesmaids, and...one of the MCs for her wedding dinner!!

Enjoyed myself very much throughout the entire day..the groom and his brothers were very spontaneous! First time i had a walk down the church aisle..haha..of course as the bridesmaid..ZJ was a very beautiful bride on that day too...

Wedding dinner was lovely..love the live band whom ZJ has engaged..it was entertaining and at least many of us would not feel so bored..

And of course, seems that love cupids were flying around that day..hee hee her...

************************************************************

Work is taking its pace to pick up..but i am starting to have several concerns in my mind..e.g. if i voice out too many suggestions, will it make me look too aggressive or hungry for straight As? Or what are the other areas i need to consider while working..? Can i be proactive in voicing out suggestions and improving things to the better, or just wait for my boss to give instructions to me?

Hmm..i want to do well, in fact, wanna do a lot better than before. my morale is at peak - i am no longer taking cabs to work, i study on the trains whenever i am on my way to work or back home from office, i am back to my exercise regime..

this time, i wanna score straight As in my work.

*************************************************************

6th October 2011 marks the day when a member of the Crazy Ones passed away at his 56. He's Steve Jobs, ex-CEO of Apple Inc. It's interesting and somehow comforting to see many of us, including me myself, post several clips, speeches and biography about him over Facebook.

He is, indeed, as said by many, a visionary. A crazy one. A legendary.

My very first knowledge of him, probably interestingly, has nothing to do much with Pixar and iPhone. It is his presentation style, the simplicity and impact of his presentation slides, which draws me to him the very first time. It was then when i was inspired to do up similar presentation slides i  my career path. Not an easy thing to, because the slides are so simple that the speaker needs to put in a huge effort to remember his lines and building up the climate of the presentation.

2 years back, i was introduced to using iPhone, credits to AG. Used to be cynical about the phone and of course its price. But this phone concept has this rather powerful attraction. I love the application, i love the  responsiveness and convenience of the phone. I was pulled closer to Steve Jobs' fan club.

Just last year, I got my very first DSLR and later introduced by my ex-colleague to use RAW format. Eventually, I managed to get a MacBook with the help of my dad. And woah! That was the moment when i knew i can never get back to Windows OS..(i mean besides my office laptop). Mac has helped me so much with my editing of photos.

Couldn't agree more when news, even US president, complimented that Jobs has put a lot of impact onto the world.

I've read more about him today, especially his speech at a Stanford graduation ceremony. i respect him more than before. He's an inspiration to me who is weaving my own dream into a reality.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Thank you, Steve Jobs!

New work has been starting quite a while..a lot of new things to learn and I'm still unlearning and re-learning..and there are times when i need to remind myself that i cannot be too frank in my replies..think not everyone can take it..i need to watch my mouth...hmmm...

my iPhone just died on me.. *heartache*

been rather paranoid these few days...think attributed to my physical hiccups..

i'm so tired...my iPhone is not working well, and i've not been studying religiously, besides studying on mrt trains, every time during on my way to work..

Finally the conference is over and from tomorrow onwards will be free and easy!! WOoh!

Hmm..a little self-reflection of my performance..hmm..have to admit that i'm not handling well yet, still trying to adjust myself to the new environment and trying to figure out my new boss's expectations, and also trying my best to interact well with colleagues..in addition, a lot of technical terms which i have been trying to get myself to learn..

learning curve is steep, well, have to admit that this curve seems to be steeper than the previous one, kinda feeling a little stressed out and lost once in a while..particularly because in my previous job, I was already attuned to the environment since internship, so even on my first day, i was very comfortable working.

Well, have told myself before - i have made the decision to step out of the comfort zone, the start is never easy, so now i need to be even stronger to survive in this tentative challenge zone - just need to push myself a lot further..! Looking at the postive angle, it's good that there is a push/pull factor to get myself move more proactively.

Mantou, you have done it before! So now, you can do it!!! Prove yourself that you are worth the employment!!! SHINE MANTOU SHINE...!! ROAR..!!

Anyway been feeling better these few days..just had a dinner with AG and his friends too..tried to watch my behaviour..

Left one week!! Think have not had enough rest...haha..but excited for my new work and going to head to Taipei for business trip! =)

Oh ya, went to USS with AG the previous week! After 2 years plus, this is our very first outing!! And we tried the roller coaster, it was crazy fun!! The food is pretty awesome too but the price is hmm.... Think the USS isn't as great as Disneyland, but having AG as company is wonderful!!

Don't know why..I am still not feeling at my best today, even though AG told me not to worry about yesterday's incident..somehow, the intuition tells me that i still need to worry, be prepared for the worst..you may get replaced by another girl who is better than you. Anyway DMT, you have no talent in this area. Accept it if that day comes. You may be good in many other things but probably this is the something your life will be compromised. You are not a keeper.

Sigh. keep feeling that this incident is a ticking time bomb for me...

*********************************************************

Somehow out of the blue, at times, i keep thinking whether i am smart or stupid...i feel myself very stupid when i am at a total loss or i am not performing to others' expectation..but yet again, i feel that i should be smart, otherwise how can i manage so many things right now?

It can get kinda scary when you are sitting on the roller coaster which can give you dips of high and low confidence level, because in the end, you get yourself lost and confused, not knowing what you actually are.

*********************************************************

A good morning to start off for National Day - went to watch Harry Potter finale..

But not a good night to end it off...was on a defense mode while having social awkwardness at the same time, and as a result, out of my defense mechanism, i gave a gentle slap on AG's face when he tried to kiss me on my cheeks in front of his friends..yes, it was wrong of me to slap him, even if it's a gentle one..at that moment, it was so sudden, my mechanism triggered the "fight" mode and i had made the worst mistake a girlfriend should not make. He was annoyed and i later realise that i've just embarrassed him.

Explanations..sigh, can't say much, i can't explain that too..i only knew during the dinner, i was socially awkward, i was shy and quiet - all the comfort i could seek of was the NDP show and the steamboat dinner which i just kept munching away..

i was at fault..so sigh, oh well, if AG were to want the end of this r/s, i know i deserve it and should not cry over spill milks..

Once again i've screwed up, just that this time is in a complete different form.

The alternative for this, i need to run away - avoid meeting AG's friends for their gathering sessions. Each session, i do not behave like myself and involuntarily my social mind sets at its defense mechanism, fights back when it gets threatened.

Somehow i guess i need to get myself mentally and emotionally prepared for the worst. i am aware that i do not have the physical asset and now, my behaviours are unacceptable..

I am a total screw up in relationships.

Things are starting to move slow for me in the office, well, because i'm leaving! hhaa..hmm..the news have brought in sudden to all of my colleagues - guess i've been really quiet in the office and they never seem to be hearing me complaining.

Hmm, I will not say I'm not pleased with my work environment there, but I feel I need a major change in my career path. I'm telling myself - if I don't try this change now, then when? By the time when the life requires me to settle for a safety rope to hold on, there may be a high tendency I need to hang on in the safety zone. But then again, who knows that the change is my safety zone? You never know unless you try.

My parents, especially my mum, haven't been supportive of my this decision..but anyway I'm a stubborn girl, i am determined to prove them wrong - i can do well in this sector, in this industry, that i can still manage my studies and work..

i am a strong mantou - i know i can do it!! YES I CAN..!!!!!!!!

WOoOO..ok, gonna wait for my colleague to be back from her vacation tmr, and I can start handing over my work to her..following that, I can go for my breakkkkkkk...!!! My long-awaited breakkkkkk...!!!!

It's done. In the progress of ending this chapter of life, and going to write a new chapter.

Yup, readers, I've accepted a new job offer, moving into a totally new and different industry. Kinda nervous about it because it feels that i'm making a milestone, bringing myself to greater heights, but on the other end, worried that it may be a wrong move. But anyway no matter what, what i have decided, i will aim for the target.

Gambatte, mantou!

Some of the snapshots which I took during Singtel & Singapore Cancer Society - Race Against Cancer 2011 event! Was given the opportunity by them to be one of the volunteer photographers..! =)

Enjoy!

Finally I had time to upload my favourites of the shots which I took during YJ's wedding..first time being a bride maid - rather tiring from morning to noon..gosh..but love the rest period in the afternoon when the bride maids had the entire room for themselves while the brothers had theirs at another room. =)

Still need to improve on my shots. Felt that my quality of the photos was not professional enough.

I really need to lose more weight and tone up my legs..my legs look so chubby..!!! :(

anyway enjoy the shots! More have been uploaded in my FB! =D

Still trying to study for my last paper..tue's paper was a tragic for me, slept through the night and morning...

Went for a meet up and feel that there will be no follow-up after today's meet up. Sigh.

Thought things are picking up but seems that I have to face the reality. Sigh sigh.

What to do? Just have to hang on there.

Exams have started..and now moving into the 2nd week of exam. Work in the morning and prepare for exams in the afternoon. Kinda exhausting...

Tmr is a presentation to a proposal evaluation panel. Stress. Plus a tough paper on tue. How good timing can that be.

Sigh.

Can't wait for my exams to be over.

Seems to receive a few calls. But still gonna cross my finger.

Well it's another round of wait.

Hope they'll call me soon...

i broke down once again, cried quietly to myself for the past 2 hrs...i'm going to rattle out my thoughts right now.

i am breaking down not because I am fatigue from studying.

i am breaking down because i am tired of my job. yes, i am saying i am tired of working.

i have not taken any decent vacation since my trip to vietnam at the end of my yr 2. since then, i worked, i studied, i worked, i studied and i worked and i studied. Even after i've completed my yr 4, i have not even taken any decent break, not even a graduation trip, and i jumped into work. and since then, work, study, work, study and work and study.

i am trapped in the parental protection scheme now. i dun have any chance to travel leisurely. why can't they give me a chance to study overseas like my brother? why can't they just let me go?

what i am really want to do? yes, away overseas for a month, away with my backpack and camera. i want to go to US for 2 weeks, explore bits and parts of US to eat and feel the culture. also to japan look for my brother and visit the little interesting places. to hong kong to eat my long-wished childhood comfort food and probably to bali since it feels like a very relaxing place to rest.

but i know i still need to work. but can't i wish for a good decent break? Please grant me this wish...