Contradicting.

recently, she's been so so so contradicting.

=(

juz cancelled off one meeting with a friend. why? cos she doesn't allow me to. this is the second time when i've cancelled the meeting with this fren. I feel so utterly guilty. cos i dun want my fren to think that i always like to cancel things at the last minute.

=(

she's been utterly contradicting. initially she tells me not to lie to her anymore. so i listen to her. this time, i din lie to her at all. i even show her my fren's photo, so to reassure her.
but she still doesn't allow.

=(

i really dun like her temper now. she used to be tolerant and better-tempered. now she is always so quick-tempered and contradicting. her thinking becomes so unpredictable that i have no idea how to handle. my moods recently have been very greatly affected by her.

last night she said things which were very hurting to me.

i really dun like contradictions and unpredicted things. they never give me a sense of security. and i always feel very uncomfortable.

she's been too protective of me. and i'm feeling very difficult to find a space to breathe.

i've tried my best to balance everything i do. first aid duties, tuition works, being the eldest, being a sister, being a daughter. and it never seems to make her pleased. i know i've not been an excellent daughter, an elder sister.
i've my passion to pursue but my passion is not well-received by her. and she will often say hurting things about my passion.

cos of my situation, i dun dare to take up any permanent appointment, especially in zone. cos i'm very worried that if one day i dun balance it well, she will simply ask me to quit totally. and i really dislike it. it only makes me look irresponsible.

sometimes, i really feel utterly tired.

i thought after being single and that incident, i could have some peace. yes, there's improvement in peace but it's very minute.

juz handling with her temper, exhausts me total mentally.

lucky thing is, i still know how to cry now.