Going back Hong Kong in a few hours' time...

Spent some quality time with Dennis..sigh..will miss him really a lots.. T_T

I really do treasure the times with him. Although he's been busy recently, i do see efforts in him trying to squeeze out time to spend with him.

Can't wait for my 3 weeks to end. Can't wait to come back to see him, to see all my friends as well.

Really miss Dennis and eveyone here...

But i'll be back, people!! ^_^

feeling better..

feeling better now..

starting to take things in its own stride.

i've been expecting too much.

Almost forget about what i've been taught in sec sch.

Give n never expect return.

Can't be bothered so much.

Juz take it easy.

Exams' finishing soon n i'm going away soon..

Going back Hong Kong almost immediately after my last day of exams...

Looking forward to go back, but tink i'm not looking forward to coming back..

Dun see an optimistic future after that.

Dun wan to say the reason here.

Cos i dun feel like.

All i can say "wait n see."

Anyway, i will not have the chance to help SAC with the competition training. Hope they can handle it well. Kinda worried for them. Well, but anyway tink i'll not handling the corp for long. I need a change, i think.

Going away is probably the best way to exploitation.

sian diao

tink i'm really carrying too many responsibilities...

went back to SAC this afternoon..realise things are not working the way i'm expecting..kinda feeling disappointed n demoralised...sigh...

realised that i have no time for SAC anymore..they need officers to go back to help them, to advise them...sigh..times have really changed..i thought SAC can still do without officers. But well, i've been too naive. I have my vice-president suffering from almost depression n i have no idea on how to help her. Cos i know myself that i can't find any time to tend to these matters anymore....

i dun know la..but i feel like leaving them alone..let them learn to survive without officers...i juz hope SAC will have one good leader coming back to be an officer..

cos of the insufficient time i can put on SAC, i feel i'm a terrible leader..i can't make changes.. T_T

Actually i believe i can do it, but time is the major factor. And not only that, i have high expectations, so tend to set high standards for the others. But the thing is, not everyone will want to follow..sigh...terrible...

Maybe i will go back next year to join the NCOC again as a platoon commander. I feel i can train the cadets more efficiently to be leaders...though there are times when i doubt about my leadership qualities. SIGH...

Anyway, i realise i am still looking for what i really want in life. Taking charge of SAC is no longer what i really want. What i want is to help the community, to be able to perfom first aid, to do voluntary work..

Juz realise i have one officer friend who also joins both st john n red cross ^_^ hhee...afterall, i feel i'm not alone.. ^_^ i feel more motivated now..hhaaa..

I really hope i can get many public duties from st john n red cross..i really want badly....

mild depression

tink i'm suffering from mild depression..having been tinking positively negative about myself..paranoid over everything..
probably i have no idea how to handle my sad emotions..can't find anyone to talk about my problems, my worries..in fact, tink it's that i dun wan to find cos i dun wan others to feel the same as me after hearing from mine..maybe, u will ask me to look for dennis..hahaaa...na, dun bother..he has his problems now..n also, i know wat i'll be hearing from him..haha..so na..
still this place will be an almost ideal place for me to vent out..
again, i need to say this - dun have take everything i say here to heart.

realise i can't tell people tat i'm a teochew. why?tink i'll be condemned n mocked. i can't speak, i can't understand a word, n i dun know anything about being a teochew. food tat my family cooks, they juz dun look teochew-style. great, i'm deemed to be a cantonese cos i speak the language. i speak the language not cos i'm a cantonese, but cos i'm fr hong kong. all people from hongkong speak cantonese, no matter who they are - teochew, hainanese etc..
well, ok fine. i'm not a teochew.

tink have overworked myself..need a break probably. but even if i'm free, i've no idea what to do. ok, then it'll be best if the situation remains like this. at least i know i can get myself so busy until i forget my own worries. tink this should be the way for me to handle the emotional inbalance in me.
tis's a problem of a cancerian - emotions analogous to the fluid mechanics' moody diagram.

initially i thought i'm feeling better. probably i was wrong. or maybe due to wat happened this evening. i was being 'reprimanded' by dennis for me being silly naive n sheltered. but it's not his fault..i am one such person. tat's why he's so worked up. i'm sorry.

tink i need a conversation with God.

Everything's fine again... =)

25th Sept.. 3rd year anniversary for dennis n me.. hee =)

Well, everything becomes fine again. think it's really due to the effects of PMS, i've subsided from the mild depression. I met Dennis today n it've been a great day.. =) maybe it's only when i get to see him, then i feel much better..hee..

Anyway, Dennis had a small talk with me juz now. He've read my that super duper depressing blog n had a bit of chat with me. Hmm..not really a bit la, but it's juz tat he helped me clear my doubts n worries. Well, feeling much better now..i almost cried when he said to me that it's me whom he likes.. T_T i'm so touched...

But still, i will try to slim down..haha..still will try my best to be a good gf to him..but i will not over-stress myself ba..hhaa..

Somehow, i know why i like Dennis so much. I like the communication bridge which has been built between both of us. Though there are times when i hardly express my views, he will make the effort to clear as much worries n doubts as possible. =) however, i believe this bridge can be enhanced. Cos i think i still find myself hard to express my true feelings n thoughts with courage. So i wan to try to change this..hahaa...

Anyway, dun worry, people. I have felt much better. Thanks to u, Zhijia n this unknown friend...!! Thanks, Zhijia, for consoling me =) hhaaa...dun worry, still have not forgotten to thank u, zhijia! haa.. =p

So hee...i'm back to my usual self. My PMS is gone, so does my this mild depression.. =D

Anyway today's the 3rd year anniversary for dennis n me =)

Although there are many times i've been finding hard n half-hearted in reaching dennis's expectations of his ideal gf, I've been very glad that i get to know him n be with him as his gf. I like his intelligence n the way he talks. I like a lot of things about him.
Sometimes, i realise that's the sacrifice i've to make. He's smart n i have to catch up with his intelligence. I know i do not fit a lot of reqiurements of his ideal gf. I try to make myself fit in as much as possible. There are times i feel very half-hearted, but i know it'll be good for my future too. Well...i dun know la....

I only know i have to treasure him until the day he finds another better than me. Cos when that day comes, i will juz step back n allow the lady who is much better than me in all aspects, to walk into his life, to help in his future career.

think i've kinda suffered from mild depression..
having thinking in a pessismistic angle. Somehow or rather, i can't stop myself from thinking in this way. Maybe i've overworked myself, maybe i've not been having a proper meal, maybe my PMS has come to haunt upon me..hahaa..

anyway this blog for today will be a depressing one. Juz take it tat i'm crapping away..i juz need to find a channel for me to vent out my depressing thoughts. Later tat, i'll be fine =)

Probably i've been yearning for perfection recently. Trying to fulfill all my responsibilites. As a corp officer, i've failed to be one. As for my other duties, i'm still trying to do my best. Everyday, i dun see myself having a personal time for myself. Tuitions, school work, n trying to find as much time as possible to spend with my loved ones - tat's all i've done. However, i'm glad to do all these. But probably, i'm getting kinda mentally tired..probablly i need a break.

Been trying to reach dennis's expectations of a gf..cos i know myself very well tat i do not possess a lot of his requirements, i try my best to change..probably, i'm very worried that if i can't be within his expectations, i will lose him to other better ladies sooner or rather. I know i'm not good in expressing myself verbally n i'm not good in conversing with his parent. I know i do not have a good body shape n i'm kinda displeased with my external appearances. n as a result, many times, due to my lack of self-confidence, think i've caused frustrations to him. As for body shape, i always find it hard to be motivated to exercise. As a result, i decide to eat very little for my lunch - probably due to tis, it's been attributed to my mild depression. Probably, you will be shocked to hear me saying this - very often, especially recently, i've been having thoughts of going for plastic surgery, to make myself look better. Dennis does say that going for such surgery do not make one lady natural..but well, probably i've started having such conception of guys - they look for external appearance as top priority, internal beauty a secondary factor. I try to be more confident about myself, but again, my inability to express verbally has become a big hindrance to my confidence these few months. I start to worry if i dun hurry learn to express verbally well, when dennis goes to study law, he will meet ladies who can express themselves much better than me. and they can converse much better than me. Once they have interests in dennis n know that they can be even better than me,in terms of looks n confidence, they sure can kick me out. Well, i have this feeling such incident will happen in the future, cos his status in the future will be wat a lot of ladies are looking for.
Somehow or rather, i realise perfections only bring sadness; it only brings inferiority. Learning to accept the existence of human flaws lead to happiness ; it brings satisfaction. but how many people will think of this? Minority, probably none. I try to yearn for perfection, hoping things will be better. However, in the midst of the search, I still can't escape from the fact that this is the reality. I have to accept it.
I only know I've found myself half-hearted in trying to change myself. i'm scared i will lose myself - individuality. I hate the fact that people look for external factors. I hate the fact that i have to accept it. i'm starting to feel confused over humanity. So contradictory that i start to have extreme thoughts n yearn to go for extreme measures - exercise n also at the same time, i shan't not take my lunch ( cos that's the only chance i'll not be stopped). Dennis will be mad over me taking such measures, but i guess i will go my way.
Alright, think i've finished rattering all these depressing thoughts. Probably, like wat dennis says, i'm saying all these for self-pity.
Probably i am.

pissed off...

very pissed off...very disappointed... T_T

early in the morning, i travelled so far to school n yet i can't enter the lecture room. i have no idea why but anyway, i'm very pissed off. I only had 4 hours of sleep last night! n yet i can't attend the stupid dumb dumb lecture... =(

then later in the evening, i thought i can get to meet dennis, but well, in the end, it's cancelled. Initially, i was very excited to meet him after my tuition, thinking that i finally can get to meet him for dinner..But well, things cropped up, he had work to do n i can't meet him...sigh...i dun know la..i only know i'm very disappointed cos i've actually cancelled my visit to SAC n me going to attend a meeting held by the Red Cross's Adult Volunteer Division's Detachment 9. sigh...well, maybe i am not able to handle my disappointment - though i felt better after going to Times bookshop, I still cried in the end when I came back..sigh...but well, it's not his fault too.....

Recently, probably due to his work, he has not been taking interest in my personal stuff. i tried to tell him about my day in Red Cross house on the Mid-Autumn festival celebrations, n he seemed to be thinking about his work... T_T well, it's not his fault la..i know he's been kinda stressed over work, n has been thinking hard.. sigh, i juz have to make do with it..maybe i'm like this too...

Anway, forget about dennis thingy. i've joined the Detachment 9 group in Red Cross's Adult Volunteer Division. The whole organisation concept is very interesting, yet seems disorganised in some way or rather. Basically, the members volunteer to form groups of common interests, n they volunteer to organise activities. Currently, i am still not familiar with the people in this group but i've seen and talked to its leader. Pretty alright. But i have to be more initiative cos they really seem to be what we call a 'voluntary organisation'. heee...but well, i believe this is wat i'm looking for. n i hope i can learn a lot in this group.. =)

ok..here i am, having some time to write..haa..

still waiting for my first aid cert from the red cross. hopefully can get it soon, starting to realise how long 4 weeks it can be. then after that, i can start doing public duty in red cross..yeah!!

started to have a feeling of quitting as a corp staff officer..i dun know why suddenly have this idea..maybe kinda sick of it and start to ponder upon some interesting things about uniformed groups. In fact, i have this idea when i joined NCOC a few months ago.

It is interesting about this thing of human mind. In a non-profit organisation cum uniformed group, cadets with lower ranks listen and obey to those of senior ranks. well, of course u can say, this is obvious...but the thing i'm trying to say is, what is the factor which can make the cadets listen to NCOs or officers? is it due to the fear in the rank difference? is it due to the fearsome authority and power the rank can bring to? or is it due to the environment?

Somehow or rather, I start to think: what if one day these cadets do not want to listen to the higher ranks? they rebel. They refuse to listen to instructions cos these instructions have no benefits to them, especially in the situation of military punishments. It's easy to solve if it were to target at an "out-cast". But what if it's the whole group who rebel? How are the higher ranks going to handle? by rules of punishments? But if what they are prepared for the risks predicted and aim to rebel? I do think of this situation and I cannot think of any solutions to this designated problem. Fear only succumbs me.

People seems to fear the created invisible fearsome. Ranks are a form of symbolism of higher power and authority. Ranks are created and thus are expected to be respected. I have no idea what's human thinking of. Truly, humans are simply the most sophiscated and contradictory animals. Well, probably because they think.

Still don't understand what i am trying to say? it's okay cos i have not figured out the answer to my own question. HA!

busy

super busy these few weeks...completely have no time to go online until now...where i am in school library waiting for my stuff to upload..hahaa..

on 15th aug, it's dennis's birthday and it have been a great one. He is very very very happy with my present i bought for him. hee..guess what is it? haha..it's a Mazda RX-7 24:1 model.. ^_^ he likes it real much and he displays it on his study-table. ^_^

i've completed my red cross first aid standard first aid course and it have been great. i've learnt real lot from the instructor. think cos he's a staff nurse, tat's why he has lots of experiences to share with us. well, but the interesting thing is that he does not look like a nurse to me, cos of his dress code. haha..but well, anyway, i've scored pretty well for the first aid test. hee..i've gotten 29 out of 30 marks..haha...not bad right? in fact, i should have gotten full marks for it if not for my carelessness..haha.. =p i sound cocky here.. well, anyway i've done pretty well for my CPR practicals. ^^

anyway i got to stop writing here...more things coming up here...

hmm..dun know what's wrong with dennis..he's not been in a very good mood ever since on national day..sigh..

n he's not telling me anything..

initially, i thought it's okay for me to not know what's his frustrations, cos i would think i have to respect his privacy. But recently he seemed to be feeling more frustrated and i have no idea how to handle my unbalanced emotions. i tried to ask him, but he'll not tell me anything..sigh..dun know la..maybe i'm juz thinking too much now..

but well, i'm trying to take things in my own stride, trying to respect his privacy..and at the same time, i'm trying to struggle with the pessimistic thoughts n my unbalanced emotions. Maybe i have been too busy with st john n tuition stuff, seem to be neglecting him n as a result, i end up myself not knowing how he's been..it's all my fault..sigh..so maybe if he's hiding anything from me, i can't say anything cos i've not been putting much attention on him..it's not within my control, by that time...

sigh..finding hard to balance my stuff now..initially i thought i can do it, but i realise that i have overlooked one factor - human emotions. haha..of all things, as a cancerian especially, i miss out this portion..well, watever.....

arg.....not juz that, i realise that ENE is a pretty competitive school. Almost everyone is very hardworking n they are really 'chiong'....omg..i really start to doubt my ability to obtain my first class honours now...but well, only like this, i will have a stronger will to fight fight fight...!!

anyway, start moving on to red cross now..NDP is over now n i'm moving on...dun know how my future will be like...well, maybe i will still face many obstructions..i have to remain stubborn now... T_T

national day eve today, and yet i have to go school...stupid ah... T_T
well, anyway pretty good day today. Went to SJI to attend their national day parade. Cool parade..i can say it's something like a mini national day parade in padang..hahaa..
why am i doing there in a boys' school? haha..well, it's my NCOC junior - Weijie, who invited us to go there for a Elite gathering..Weijie's received the best private award and hee..guess he's kinda happy about this award thingy. Also, get to see Venod and talk to him. he's been a great host cos if without his conversation, think i will feel extra ultra awkward in a boys' school. Haaa...

Anyway, going for my last first aid duty tomorrow for national day parade in padang. Will miss the fireworks there. It've been a great experience for me cos i can see the fireworks ever so close and big presented to me! ^_^ i love the fireworks !!

Change my wallpaper le and i have no idea how to edit this stuff..dun know how to link the other blog address...arggg...zhijia...!! i need ur help with this...!!! HELP...!!! Xp

this is so weird..

First day of sch..
all i can say is weird weiRD WEIRD...!!

Right from the start when I stepped into Boon Lay Interchange to wait for the bus, i noticed many, or i should say, all of the faces were very unfamiliar. i have never seen them before!

Not only this, when i reached school, again! the faces were very unfamiliar..aiyo!! At that moment in time, i really felt that i had gone to the wrong campus. haa..but still, i manage to see one of my friends, Gary...and that's all i have seen..of course, did see two or three familiar faces which were in my same batch.

Also, the canteen has been renovated into a food-court style one. Looks weird again to me..

Aiya, anyway the whole school just looks absolutely alien to me!!! T_T

Hee..but there are interesting incidents i encountered in sch. First early in the morning, i attended a lecture on environmental mircobiology which i had a mistake in my timetable which wrote "environmental chemistry". Also, this lecture only had 4 students, excluding me, attending it. I was utterly shocked! Next, my "computational method" lecturer is Dr Yang!!! oh my goodness...of all the lecturers, why must it be him to teach!! T_T well, basically, he is quite a lousy lecturer cos he can't pronounicate words well and doesn't teach well. sigh..but well, i still have to attend the lecture.......

Anyway i have signed up as a member of NTU Red Cross. Hee..kinda happy cos i finally manage to find the club! but well, i have to attend their welcome tea ceremony next week, then i can get to know what's in the club...aiyo...

Sch's starting, and i'm starting to 'chiong' my studies. This week will be my last week to attend SAC training. Sch starts and i have to really manage my time well cos of my hectic tuition work. Hee..i have 5 students, 6 tutoring subjects and 1 tuition centre. Somehow, i juz wish i am a superlady - can manage everything..cos currently, i have to go NDP public duty, and after this event, I still have to attend Red Cross's standard first aid course.....

Wooo...i really hope i can handle my time well!!!

Passing out Parade..SAC

today's SAC passing out parade...kinda sad to see the committee go..
well..this patch of NCOs have been real interesting..there are only 5 members in the committee - no more, no less, just the 5 of them..i can still remember they used to be very childish and disobedient when they first came to join the cca. Initially, this patch consisted of about 15 cadets; n since after the training camp, all except these 5 quited st.john..that was my first time i ever had face such a problem ever since when i was a vice-president of SAC st.john n later their corp staff officer. But well, they stood firm and strong there. I had seen them grown up, though the time i were with them was comparatively little. Now they have learnt to take charge, have grown much more mature..of course, they are real interesting cos one of them love to give some unique education to my juniors..well, anyway i'll not elaborate more on this..hehee >_<
and well, they are the patch who got into third place in first aid competition last year, after a few years of staying out of top 3 positions. In fact, they are the ones who give me much more hope in believing SAC's potential. and it is them who give me the real basic objective of first aid. and it is only until then i realise that i should make sure that all my cadets are well-trained in first aid so that they can offer their service to the public, and not just solely being trained to fight for the positions..
Now, they are going to leave soon and i am going to face a new patch of committee with a different characteristics. A new challenge is coming towards me. Somehow or rather, i realise why i like being a corp staff officer. Every year, i am facing a different patch and i face the challenges in different angles. It really trains me up to learn to adapt flexibly to the ever-changing environment..
A new patch is leading and i have already tried to teach them whatever i know (though not all). This also means i am leaving the fate of SAC to them entirely. This means i am going back to fulfill my basic duty - a student.

real tired during this weekend .. x_x

well came back late on sat night from the NDP rehearsals. Thankfully, nothing much happened during the rehearsal ( phew ) . No extra treatment from the SAF personnels.. whhaaa... !! ^_^ peaceful time, i should say . Hee..

Went to the zoo on sunday n it had been a long time i have not stepped into the zoo..But things have changed there . The hippos are all the small ones, n so are the giraffes n the kangaroos . then later i rushed from mandai zoo to marina bay for wushu gathering... wow, really tiring.. hahaa..

oh ya, one of my indonesian fren msg me on sun morning . it was a greeting msg n from the look of it, i knew he was trying to tell me tat he had returned fr his homeland . haah.... kinda of a weird friendship i have with him..

tired now, wanna stop tying...... my hands are getting very tired liao... x_X

a little depressed now..i also dun know why i am reacting in this way..or maybe cos it's raining outside now n i'm thinking a bit too much..well, anyway.....
somehow or rather, i can't help myself thinking that i dun fit any of dennis's requirements of his ideal lady...he likes girls with look of slightly above the average - which i dun have. He likes ladies who pose themselves to be confident - which i dun think i have the confidence which he is looking for..sigh..anyway even though i have been with him for more than 2 yrs, i cannot understand why he still insists on wanting to continue n maintain this relationship in which i am not within his requirements..haiz..he does fit into my requirements but sadly, i dun fit into his..well, i still have probably a yr's grace period =)
hmm..why am i saying that? haha..hmm..well, basically i just feel very strongly that he can n he will manage to find such lady in NUS..and of course, i know he cannot give me any promise n i dun want him to, but well, these are just my thoughts..
well, probably you will think that someone in NTU might like me n i might have interest in him..but well, think i dun wanna put hopes into that. Even if the guy were to like me, it will be juz a temporary period of time..haha..well, anyway i know not many guys will dare to accept me cos many dare not 'over-power' me. i am a lady with numerous responsibilities. A eldest sister who has to constantly set up a good example to my brothers, the only daughter who cannot let her parents down, corp officer who has to worry for naughty juniors, private tutor with 5 students at hand, a good friend to be, a person who has to constantly self-reflect in order to be good, and a person who just wanna fulfill her dream in one way or another...in summary, i am trying to be a perfect person n an all-rounder.
Just by all these responsibilities, especially my status as a leader (which i have the thirst for leadership opportunities) , think not many guys dare to come close me...whhaaa...
haiz...well, anyway i juz have to treasure the times i'm spending with dennis even though i have many things at hand..i juz have to try to cook a good mushroom omelette for him..time is short n very soon, he will be exposed to more ladies n he will find what he really wants..
HaIz....hAiZ....i'm a little depressed, but watever....

nice..the first day for NDP public duty was pretty okay, though kinda nervous..hehe..the first NDP rehearsal was National Education show, where thousands of primary 5 students came to see the show. And okay la, my side had only 4 casualties - all minor burns due to the fireworks. Sigh..but the thing was that i can't do first aid there cos it was a bit too crowded and they had to be evacuated. Sad la...
Well, i met 2 tjc's people - Sam, and Rock climbing club's Timonthy (think he's call Timonthy).. anywa, dun know why, i was teased by derek, simon, halim n hansong of the 'wonderful' treatment given to my station by the SAF . Erm...i think the SAF personnel was just being nice lo...nothing's special..they just offered my team H-Two-O drinks while i think the other teams didn't get...well, anyway the show's pretty not too bad..this is my first time i have ever stood so close to watch the fireworks. The view was great!!! ^^
If i were to be given the chance to do public duty for National Day Parade, I really dun mind going. But i really wanna do n practise first aid..sigh..
kinda miss dennis....next week's worse..he has no duty n i have to teach tuition in the evening..most probably, i only can see him 2 times next week.. T_T

great..it's time..later i've to go for NDP public duty..well, kinda stressed, frankly speaking.. =p
it've been years i've not been doing public duty n this is a major one..boy, how stress i am! During these few years, i've spent too much time on coaching my juniors. Well, i hardly have the chance to go for public duty n well, i am hardly asked to go for duties..maybe i have to get them myself. But well, in order to do that, i need to socialise, which i dun really like to do that.. =p
kinda stressful, being an officer, i am assumed that i have a higher level of first aid knowledge than the cadets. sigh..really dislike this kind of stress, but well, i've to learn to deal with it....well, hopefully i can do much much better in red cross, cos i'm going in as a newbie. i dun really want the ppl in red cross to know that i'm from sj..haa..well, at least when i go for public duty in red cross in the future, i will feel more comfortable as an apprentice n a 'newbie', n later to be more confident n experienced in handling first aid cases.. =)
lately, i realise that my pronounication is going downhill n i have the tendency to repeat my sentences..aiyo..dun know what's wrong with me..well, anyway, i've decided to train myself on my pronounication n have to constantly remind myself to speak slower in better pronounication. Later, i have to build up my vocab, or else i will find difficulties in expressing myself verbally. i cannot afford myself to be at this state anymore. in order to be a better leader, i have to make sure that at least i can express my ideas to the rest clearly... =p
well, really hopefully everything will go on well later during NDP rehearsal..i dun wanna lose face..sigh..tat's what i dislike myself being an officer..
but well, i'm going to fight for public duty in red cross in the future..hahaa..
----------------- end of part 1 ----------------
something kinda strike my bad memories this afternoon during SAC's training. i was being reminded about the horrible reality of the great importance of academic results. well, i can understand why my cadets have a mentality of needing to have a good CCA results. well, that i cannot deny that there is a need, but well, there is a greater need to get good academic results. This is what i've learnt after my academic years in temasek junior college (tjc) - with good results, u can afford to choose the schools. But with poor results, ur freedom of choice will be stripped off n the schools will choose u. Good CCA results are not everything. I have gone through this stage. I have gone through the stage where i can afford to choose the school n i have gone through the stage where i have to choose something which i dislike to study n yet the school has to choose me...all i can say, it's devastating period to go through. i have to accept the reality that academic results are the most major requirement for entry into schools. i had to go to meet the admin officer for appeal into NUS..i had to see my mum who was almost in tears n was almost begging the admin officers in both local universities ( especially NUS) to accept me to enrol into the campus! n why are all these happening? this is cos of my poor 'A' level results! =(
whenever i remembered the period when i had to go through, I really dislike myself n the consequences of getting poor results..but well, currently, thankfully, my results are pretty not too bad..n my parents are really more relieved now.. =)
the more i think about this, the more i have the will to do well in school! So i wanna get first-class honours in environmental engineering!! but well, this also means that i cannot devote myself too much into sjab n red cross stuff..
well, why am i telling u all about my this past personal incident? hmm..basically, i wanna all my friends n my juniors to know that idealism has to be in same frequency as reality. yes, it is still important to be good in CCA, but most importantly, the academic results have to be 'there'...
well, this i have to remind myself constantly too... =p

dun bother me

okie..this blog for today is not going to be very pleasant..juz dun bother me..
sometimes, life's really dumb..in other words, it's stupid idiot..full of rules n regulations, full of responsibilities which you have to cut yourself into bits n pieces to cater to everyone's needs..life's full of stupidity - values often become the obligations of one; values often become the emotional n mental burdens of one..n why is everyone wanting to become that stupid one? why is everyone so willing to accept burdens n obligations? well, easy to answer - this is because everyone is stupidddd...!!! including me. HA!

Anyway this song is dedicated to the one n only one - stupid me.
Cheers to the life of stupidity!

" stupid idiot stupid idiot stupid idiot stupid idiot
stupid idiot stupid idiot stupid idiot stupid idiot
stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

sttttuuuupppppiiiidddddddd......!!!!"

Thank you for all your attention!
*nice song i've sung. HA!

okie, sorry if anyone dun understand what i'm singing..i kinda in a bad mood...anyway, pls pardon me if i've offended anyone..no offence..
still, stupid idiot life......

yeah...!! NDP ground familiarisation exercise has been cancelled..!!! i can go enjoy my day in sj carnival..!! ^_^ then i dun have to see the SRC ppl too..hehee..
well, dennis n i are back to normal. n guess what? after 2 yrs n 9 mths, i finally cooked something for him!! it's his favourite omelette - mushroom omelette! my first trial was terrible. I had adjusted the fuel power too great n my egg was almost roasted - almost inedible..haha..but well, my second trial was kinda a success. The egg was more well-cooked, but a bit over-cooked (tat's wat he said) n it was more edible-looking..hahaha..however, as i had added too much cream of mushroom sauce, the omelette burst a little n i was almost practically struggling with the 'fellow'. Tough guy siah...haha..n not only tat, as i could not find any decent container to contain the omelette, the display of the omelette looked 'inedible'..hhhaa..still, he likes it n i wanna make more wonderful mushroom omelette for him!! ^^

solved

well, my day didn't really start pretty well..i had an argument with dennis throughout the whole evening..well, it's my fault afterall..
hmm..how should i put it across u all?well, i have not been in a good mood these few days. One reason is due to the fact that two of my precious things were destroyed within the 2 training camps which i've attended. Well, one is already repaired while the other is still under repair..this is really sickening..Next, my NDP PD may have to clash with SRC's first aid course which i've signed weeks ago..T_T Third, i've been feeling annoyed with things which are planned last-minute recently..Forth, i juz realise tat i have so many things at hand tat i almost neglected dennis..As a result, he's not happy n i'm not happy too..but well, think the situation is getting better now. Both of us are talking peacefully over the phone juz now.. ^^
well, i have to say it's my fault tat i wanna take up so many things n i know dennis only wishes me to focus on my voluntary work on one organisation. well, i've decided - most probably, when nothing goes wrong after NDP PD, i will focus my contribution on SRC..tat's why i have told my Elite platoon that this NCOC could be my first n my last...kinda miss them now..
well, anyway, back to the main issue. i realise tat i am a workaholic whereas dennis is not. Probably due to difference in our family background, i seem to priotise my family less than dennis. in fact, i should be ashamed of myself cos i value work more than my family n friends. It has been hard on him, i know, to tolerate me, a person who has a totally different interest n passion to any other girls...but well, though the solution seems to be tat he claims he will not ask me to change my schedule at the last minute, i will try my very best to accomodate to his schedule. cos i really dun wanna him to feel that sjab n red cross are my life. in fact, they are really not my life; they are only my moral n emotional support to strengthen my belief in life - helping n serving others positively. but dennis is my part n parcel of life whom i can't afford to lose....
maybe like my parents had said to me once, afterall i'm not fated to become a medical professional...

bad bad..

this is horrible, man.....i have to meet SRC ppl soon... T_T
juz realised tat i've been selected to go for NDP public duty n i have to attend a ground familiarised exercise on 2nd july at ard 123o...arghh..i wanna go for the carnival to support my NCOC junior...he's going on to the NCO Idol...!! sigh..not this matter, the ppl who are going for tat NDP event have to meet up with the SRC NDP PD ppl...!! arghh...i really hope the person-in-charge cannot recognise me on that day..!! cos i never tell him tat i am fr SJAB, i only somehow told him that i'm juz an amateur..aiyo......so horrible... T_T
well, i dun care anyway..i have signed up for SRC liao..hmmm..then not only this, i think that the whole event will actually last for about 2 mths...!! argh........!!! well, dennis is not very pleased with tat, but i really wanna grab this opportunity n learn more things. sigh...then he feels that i priotise SJAB more than him..sigh..it's not tat but it's juz tat first aid is my passion n i really dun wanna miss this opportunity..anyway think i'm going to go real busy over the next 2 mths liao... =p
omg.....i really need to pray hard hard for myself....

hee hee..have a great day today..first thing, i woke up late in the morning cos of my SAC camp..the camp's super tiring..only had 3 hrs of sleep each camp day :p n my juniors were hard to handle..had to modify the training style cos i had received complaints from a grandparent who actually stood outside the school fr morning to night time..argh.. T_T
anyway back to today, i was late for the NCO examination course day..haha..overslept..also, i received a present from my SAC sec 2 juniors..they are really very sweet..!! i never expect a present from them at all, and it really shocked me..!! hahaa..not only, my Elite platoon n the whole course platoons sang me birthday songs n i had another surprise..then, later after the course, all my officer friends bought me a chocolate cake n again i was surprised. I was totally not prepared that they will buy me a cake to celebrate my birthday..somehow or rather, i was wondering whether i should continue staying active on zone level cos i am really very touched by their actions.. T_T
still, in overall, i have learnt from NCO as a platoon commander - i realise myself that i need to speak more, learn to pronounicate my words clearly..n probably have to get more vocab so that i can express myself better..think i've been speaking chinese too often nowadays..hhaa..
but i dun know..i juz have this feeling that i will not going for next year's NCOC though i wish to..i have signed up as a volunteer in Singapore Red Cross cos afterall SRC is where i started my first aid 'career'n it seems to promise me the things which i have been always wanting to contribute..i will be still active in SAC but i dun think i will be active on zone level..anyway things in SRC are not finalised though i have successfully gotten their membership card..well, sigh..i kinda miss NCOC, especially my Elite's people..
by the way, i have to cancel one of my students' tuition lesson..sigh..longer time to get my salary..well, watever.....somehow or rather, i'm starting to feel obligated to adjust my time schedule for Dennis..hmm..maybe i have many things at my hands and things are getting out of hands..wat actually happened was that Dennis wanted me to push forward my lesson from 10 am to 9 am cos i have to attend a last-minute lunch with his family...but i can't cos my student has not replied me till now n now he is not very pleased..not only that, he wanna me to rush down to the restaurant after the tuition..sigh..but it's not my fault at all n he last minute wanna me change or cancel my lessons...sigh..i dun know la..maybe cos he will not change his schedule for my sake,but well, he has his reasons of not able to fulfill this n i can understand....well, i juz have to tolerate..sigh..maybe i'm expecting more from him now cos he 'revives' this relationship n yet he doesn't seem to be doing it so..maybe recently i juz have feeling tat i look like more of his good good friend to him when both of us are walking on the streets..hmm..well, i know n i can understand that he is busy n tired with his NS job n i cannot expect so much committment from him..sigh..as a result, i end up committing myself more to SJAB stuff n tuition stuff..die la..have problems again..
but well, i am busy too n recently i have many things at hand which are pusing me physically to the extremes. As a result, i am too tired to message him..sigh..can't blame him la..it's my fault too..

yeah...!!! i've finally gotten back my beloved phone..!! muack muack my phone... ^^
haha..well, lucky thing is tat all my msg r still in the phone..nothing is lost..n i managed to read what zhijia had msged me during my camp..when i read it, i was entirely shocked n guilty..in the msg, she sounded really frustrated n irritated n i felt guilty tat my phone was damaged those few days..fortunately,she still called me in the end..thank god..phew..otherwise i think i almost lost my 7-yrs of friendship innocently..but nevertheless, i have made sure myself tat i'll reply my 4 gd frens in time..hehe..i really dun wanna lose a fren like them.. =)
anyway forgot to tell u all my day in sakae sushi on mon 13th june..it was great..jacinta has a pair of earings while i have a bouquet of flowers n a soft toy ^^ so sweet of them rite? later after eating in sakae sushi, we went to zhijia's house to have our birthday cake..guess what kind of cake was it? it was chocolate banana cake...!! yum yum yummy...!! geee..
gee..but frankly speaking, i love celebrating my birthday with jacinta..the atmosphere is very vibrant n cheerful..hee..tat's why i never mind celebrating my birthday with her even though my birthday is later than hers..hhee.. ^^ i love my 4 wonderful frends...!!

one of my indonesian frends msged me tat day..he told me that he's going back to indonesia..sigh..some or rather, this is the first time i have such a different friendship - a friendship which seems to be not there n yet is present all the time..hmm..anyway both of us will be in different engineering sch - he'll in EEE (same as Anh) while i'll be in ENE..well, anyway hope he's fine now..

recently, a few of my Elites wrote me testimonials..they are really very sweet...!! everytime when i read them, i am almost touched to tears..some or rather, i juz feel that life is indeed beautiful - there are still wonderful people around in life..i juz feel tat i am really blessed to have met wonderful, beautiful people.. ^^ well, they really strengthen my belief n my willingness to lighten up other people's lives..it'll be hard, but i will try my best ^^ however, no matter how blissful i feel, i still hope that those people who am in my mind will be well-blessed as me eg dennis, one of my elite's cadets n one of my indonesian frends.. ^^

NCOC

finished my ncoc camp on sunday! so tired..!! really..i am completely very tired..tired of scolding my cadets, tired of pumping them, tired of having to act like an officer.. -.-
well, the first day was kicked off pretty well, but the most traumatising moment happened in the evening..one of my platoon's cadets, ernest, almost fainted during the fire drill exercise. He was almost completely blacking out n i was very extremely worried for him. It was later found out that he was actually physically okay; simon n hansong started to suspect that he was putting up an act. As for me, i juz had this feeling that he wasn't lying to me..
the second day kicked off with me pumping my Elite platoon. Kind of disappointed with the girls cos they were not helping each other..probably they thought tat i was a very mean person..sigh..i was juz too disappointed with them la..later, in juz not a few mins, i was hit terribly with one of my cadets' behaviour. Heard he had gone berserk n was trying to kick hansong n chin seng who were trying to stop his 'fits'. Later he was screaming n crying..somehow or rather, i juz wanna sent him home..i felt very heartbroken when i heard him scream n cry..i was very very disappointed with myself of not taking good care of my cadets..at that point in time, i knew i almost wanna burst out crying but i held back my tears. Till now, i am still fighting with myself over this matter.
Probably to u, it's a nothing much. maybe he is really putting up an act. i have no idea now. i only know that he comes under parental obligation n he hates it - i know n i can understand why he will react in that manner. A young kid like him shouldn't have gone through all these things. He's really scaring me off that day.. during these few days, i've been praying silently to God to protect n bless him..i juz hope he dun do those again..really..it really hurts me to see him in that state.. =(
well, the camp still went on well. i heard that i was deemed to be a pretty fierce officer n erm..i am speechless..those who know me as a friend know tat i have a very good temper..sigh..well..i have to act like an officer on the training ground la...
then, somehow or rather, i dun know whether my Elite cadets like me or not..cos i know myself to be quite a mean person these few days. maybe i am really a bit harsh on them, cos i realise i am training them in almost the way of what derek, my SAC seniors n OTC have trained me..
this ncoc could be my first n my last nco platoon i am going to lead. i am not very active in zone n i only come for this nco course cos i am asked to substitute one of my junior officers. anyway i am still wondering whether i am a good leader..cos for the past few days, i am trying to show my cadets to learn to work hard n play hard..well, dun think all of them r aware of.. sigh..cos i think i am really very mean to them..
i really miss my Elite ppl..i miss the times when i get to tease the SJI boys..haha..think there's still tat SAC spirit in me..i miss the campfire when i can get to have fun with some of the Elite girls..i miss the water war..but i juz have this bad feeling tat this could be my last time to see them le.. T_T i wanna cry now.........

arg...

finally i've the time to sit and write...haha ^^
been very busy these few days. busy with my sch's GE presentation projects; busy with NCOC... T_T
NCOC is very fun. At first, i was kinda stressed cos it had been a long time i'm not in NCO training ground. haa..but well, i'm getting accustomed to the environment there. As a platoon commander, i'm very lucky to have my assistant, Priscilla. Though she is from a different school as me and is 2 years younger than me, she helps me a lot. She is more out-spoken than me and helps me in bringing out a more light-heartened environment to the platoon BLTC mates. A great assistant. Though she is only an OCT (officer cadet trainee), she does not require any much guidance from me. I'm really very lucky. ^^
What i find it very amusing is that there is a cadet who asks me weird weird questions. Haa..and guess which school he is from? he is from SJI!! oh my goodness..!! Of all schools, I am once again associated with SJI guys. First experience was in NCO 2000, 2nd was when i was in TJ, a guy from SJI liked me. arg......................hahhaa... =p
Ever since Dennis knows he's going into NUS's law, he seems to have changed. To the better or worse, i still cannot judge..i juz feel that his status has risen and is willing to change - himself and including me..sigh..
e.g. he tells me that he is changing his temper cos he knows his bad temper will only affect his career..sigh..maybe i'm a bit too sensitive, but it juz gives me a feeling that he changes his temper is not cos of me, it's cos of his career.. T_T
but for this, it is still tolerant to me cos his willing to change his temper benefits me too..hmm..but there's another thing which i think is pressurising me - he wants me to wear more formal clothes next time when i am with him in the future (i think when both of us have grown more older). He comments that me wearing T-shirts and jeans will only appear to be kiddish when i am with him next time...sigh..i dun know la..but i feel extremely comfortable in wearing T-shirts and jeans...sigh..somehow or rather, i have a bad feeling that when he goes to study next year, he will change completely. He will look for people who have the same calibre and status as him..cos for me, i juz want to lead a simple life where i dun have to go around wearing gowns for some stupid political functions...
well, i dun know la..maybe my this mindset may change with time too...
A lighter note now, I'm going to make some plamphets to introduce tuitions. My brother is willing to teach tuitions..hehe..i'm happy..still on the process of doing..when i manage to get some responses, i think i am going to pull my friends in..hee.. ^^ haha..i'm going to be a tuition coordinator..!!!

=x

well, my results were out yesterday..hmm..not within my expectations, but well, hee..i managed to pass all subjects..hee..sigh..in fact, i was hoping to score more As than last semester. Still, almost same results as last semester..stupid idiot results.. T_T =p
well, no choice la..have to work hard next semester loh...whaa.. hmm..
very busy recently, busy especially with st john thingy... phew..finished my zone meeting this afternoon..hmm, well, think there's improvements in the way how the meeting is conducted. Fast, short and clear. but well, i was arrowed to help out in the SingMa competition. the appointment's quite dumb la, i also dun know why i accepted it..arg...dumb dumb me!
i saw derek during the meeting..dun know i felt a strong sense of saddness within me..sigh..i also dun know why....
well, think SAC is thriving to perform well, maybe cos of the teachers-in-charge. All of us share the same vision of wanting to boost SAC's performance..hee..hopefully we can do it. hmm, i shouldn't say "hopefully"; i should say "we must do it!!!" ^^
i'm going to be a platoon commander for this year's NCOC..kinda nervous and excited over this appointment. i've never tried this before, but i try to be one good one. hmm, still currently, there are some in the zone who have an impression that i'm kinda soft-spoken..hee..i can understand why they have such response =p nevertheless, there are many things which i have to learn a lot from the officers who have experiences in NCOC..hee..
then after the meeting, i saw Polin mdm...she ah..aiyo!!! think she really has mood-swing..she somehow scolded me for dragging my shoes when i was walking along the corridor of the HQ. to me, i juz feel that she's abusing her authority..i mean how i wanna walk is my own personal problem, she has no right to intrude mine! besides that, both of us are not wearing uniforms, so the more she has no right to control me! so unreasonable! i know she's strict and fierce, but really la, she's finding the wrong way to correct junior officers. maybe cos i nvm greet her when i saw her, then she's not happy and tried to find minute fault in me..stupid idiot..well, still, think i should know how to handle her when i see her le..have to act respectful to her though i know she's known to be a excellent officer and leader... =( still, the way she treats me this afternoon only earns fear fr me, but not respect..
but really, i really need to pray hard that i dun have to see her..she's superb fierce! i am really very scared of her...!!
well, enough about Polin mdm...
anyway good news! dennis has been selected by NUS to study law. i am very happy for him cos i know it's going to be good life for him. well, though i am happy for him, i am actually starting to be mentally prepared..hmm, well, it's juz this fear that comes to me..scared he will dump me for another when he goes NUS..one reason could be because i'm worried that the status he's going to enjoy in the future will only make him look for someone with the same calibre as him, and better calibre than me..hmm, u can say i've no faith in him..but that's not wat i think. to me, i juz have no faith in human nature. When one's having a good life, one may tend to forget the past hardships one had been through n the ppl whom have gone through the tough times with, especially the very very closed ones..i juz hope this day do not ever come at all...

hot hot hot...

it's been very hot these few days.. T_T wanna die...
sort of bored these few days..haa..no extre tuition..nothing..leaving me penniless n helpless T_T
hhaa..sigh..
wanna play badminton but i dun think i've enough time..sigh..dun know la..now i still hav to re-schedule my kick-boxing lessons. i need to change to other venues. so troublesome, but no choice cos later in the few weeks' time, i am involved in the zone's NCO as one of the platoon commanders..whahaa..so funny.. -.-
anyway forget to tell u all about my previous Sunday in HQ doing my CPR attachment. Well, the morning was not started very well cos i was somehow reprimanded by a very fierce female officer..think she's called Perrine mdm..hmm..i only rmbr it starts with the letter 'P'..haa..well, but later, it's pretty not bad la..haha..initially i had this urge to teach the public sloggishly. But in the end i think i didn't. I can still remember what i have told all the officers who attended last year's seminar. I come is not only because I wanna to be CPR instructor, but it's also that I wanna educate the public the importance of first aid through the role as an instructor. hee..so afterall, i think i've done what i've said. ^^
these few days, i've been attending my GE. It's about leadership thingy. hmm..well, think it helps me a lot..hee..n well, i get to know one guy friend there. A concidence incident to know n talk to him on a train to school..but well, dun know why, he looks a bit like dennis n i can't help wondering what makes him to look like dennis. hehe..well, still, he's not like dennis la..dennis is still the best ^^
anyway dennis accompanied me on the way back to my home ^^ in fact, i'm kinda very happy cos he nvm bothers to send me all the way home..hehe..hmm, actually on that day, i could sense that he's a bit lazy to do that but he insisted on sending me home before he showed me that kind of reluctant feeling..hhee..well, he does not have the habit of doing that n i know he will not do that. that's why i didn't sound angry when he gave me that kind of feeling. hee..well, of course, i will be disappointed if he wanted to take his words back..but still, i know him la..he will not do that anymore, i bet.
sigh, well, at least he has done that once after our honeymoon period.. ^^
not bad la..haha.. =p
oh ya..besides this, that guy fren of mine has stopped contacting me. somehow or rather, i think the past few weeks r 'honeymoon period' for him. then later, think he cannot beat dennis or he feels that i dun suit him anymore..so he decides not to bother me anymore..so bad rite?
guys are really a bunch of realistic creatures o_O (ok..i'm playing feminism here =p )

back again

=) it's not over after all.
We are back together again. ^_^
i'm very glad. in fact, after today's conversation, i feel i have more faith in this relationship. i can really see he really treasures me a lot, a lot as he is willing to scarifice n overcome his fear of getting married. he can't guarantee me but at least, he tells me he's willing to change.
and it's not just this, from the whole conversation with him this morning, i can feel very strongly that he really treasures this relationship a lot and is really willing to put in the effort to maintain it. And what really makes me want to go back to him is that he is really steadfast in this relationship. To me, it's very rare to find such a man in this world now. but one thing is also that, i really like him n i really dun know where to find such guy, especially in NTU's engineering..awhahaaaa...sorry.. =p
anyway frankly speaking, i really cannot find any clue where to find such guy..hee..mine's one in a million..hahaaa.. ^_^ so today, i more or less know and have more faith in this relationship.
i'm really lucky and i dun wanna lose him just because of some stupid reasons i've given to myself n others before.
Well, still, i can't take this for granted. i've to try my best to maintain it well n wisely. still, i need a lot of guidance about this guy n girl thingy. i realise this is stupid confusing n complicated. Wonder is there any book which writes about wat men are actually thinking when they interact with girls........

over

it's over..but it's a new chapter of my life with him...
i lied to him n it's very very heart-breaking..i only treat tat guy as a friend cos he doesn't have all the qualities which i'm looking for and he has. he doesn't know this at all til date.
i thought going out is just a friend-friend thingy. he flared up n i found great difficulty in explaining to him. It's been on and off for almost the whole semester. Different guys, different arguments.
but he doesn't want to get married n he once said somethin which hurt me lot. the latest time for a break-up will be when he's in yr 1 n i'm in yr 3. he thinks reality comes before anything else. maybe he wants to know more girls there without restrictions. well, i have granted him.
he has one yr to recover. he has three yrs to know more girls. i might have a life to regret.
dun think i can find guys who can be better than him in NTU. all r fr engineering n think most of them r quite square. he can find better girls next time n tat girl will be more persuasive than i am. tat girl will change his concept of marriage i just can't.
well, at least, currently i can still call him. i hate it when he keeps asking me about tat friend. i have to lie. everytime i lie, my tears just come down. it's very heart-breaking to do.
first time i realise how tiring and heart-breaking is to lie to a person.
i need to work. work work work til i fall dead...!! i've been stoning these few days n it's very tiring.
but somehow, he seems to treat me better now. sigh, but y then he treats me better now? sigh...nevermind...watever...
simplicity has its own complications.
everyone in wushu only knows tat we break cos i like another person. but tat's not true.
i have to keep this secret forever. it hurts whenever i think about this.
well my plan now is..
i only tell this secret to my four very good friends, anh and gary. In the future, i still let people know i'm attached. No guy will know i'm pretending cos i'll act like one. tat guy will only know my pretence when he's better than or equally good as him. i dun want any rship.
i'm tired n i have no more faith in rship anymore.
he never reads blog cos he finds it stupid.
i keep this blog on-going is not only that zhijia helps me design this. but it's also cos i'm paving an alternative pathway to let him know my daily life when we break.
but well, maybe this'll be one which i vent out my inner frustrations.
i miss him....really really a lot..

so tired

yeah...!! I've still have one more important paper - Literature!! WOW..!!! =p
hmm..basically think all the papers are alright..neutral feelings towards them but hopefully i do pass them all well...hmm..kind of worried actually..hehee..
Well, now's left my literature paper n i have high expectations on it..intending to score 'A' for it.. =D hmm..hopefully can do it again this time...but i manage to get 'A' for my class test, so er, this paper should be manageable, i think..hehee..cannot let myself down cos i scored A1 for my 'O' level's literature...cannot lose face ah...aahahaa... =p
well, anyway going to join the voluntary Adult Division in Red Cross n also i'm going to join Singapore's Cancer Foundation to help children afflicted with cancer..hmm..wanna to do voluntary work badly, really...dun think i can do anything much to serve the public in st john..so hmm ya..wanting to become a play personnel to the children in KK's hospital..hhee..think i'll be happier there, helping to remove the pain and suffering from the kids. Also, think it's also one channel where i can fulfil my dream - giving hopes to people's life... =)
I know i'm going to be really happy there though i think i'll see the saddness of life there - death...

whahaa...

whahaha...well, my hypothesis is right..so dennis should be feeling much better... ^_^
hmmm..sound quite dumb of me right? feel so happy cos i've one less person whom dennis thinks he likes me..well, kind of happy la..cos i've told dennis about my hypothesis n he keeps insisting on it...well, so i'm the smart person n dennis the ...hmm..haha...nevermind =p
haha...anyway the computing paper's pretty not bad today..should be able to pass..sigh...can't wait for exams to finish...so many things to do...
not only all the things i've listed in the previous blogs, i'm intending to join one or two voluntary organisations for long-term involvement...hmm..most probably, the Singapore Hearing Impaired's Association n Singapore Children's Medical org..hmm..think i need some life, need to find purposes in life..i can't contribute much in st.john anymore..hmmm..i think i feel happier if i were to go to those org..hmm..n also, it's to pave my alternative path of my life..just in dennis will be out of my life in the near/far future; just in case i'll not be in st john...
i need to volunteer.............

first day of exam

first day of exam = maths...phew..a manageable paper, i think..hehe..hopefully those qns whom i'm not confident of are going to be correct...hopeee....i want a 'A' for maths.....!!! 'A' ..............
hahah..oops..sorry..
not only tat, it's a coincidence that i met my friend on the bus. I think he saw me, cos he's super tall...and well, think i'm talking quite loudly n zhijia n i were laughing and giggling pretty loudly as well...haha..but it's not my fault..i'm very excited to see zhijia n i'm quite relieved after doing the paper...so, u know?hehe.. =p
well, basically, i'm playing the neopets now (whahaha)...later, i have to study for computing T_T
i dun want.......!!! T_T

australian husky

i was in simei's pet safari with dennis this evening..guess what i saw..? from far, as i walked towards the window display, i was totally attracted by a puppy. It is an Australian Husky! What is really attractive is its beautiful coat - snowy grey, which i hardly see such colour in a husy..and it's not only this which attracts me. Its big bright pair of eyes simply electrify me, till now i can still remember its eyes. It's very friendly too. But the sad thing is that it cannot play with me, cos both of us are separated by a window pane. When i looked into its eyes at that moment, i could simply feel its utter disappointment. I just wished i had the money to buy it..!! T_T
i can say, it's love at first sight... ^_^
However, i realise that an Australian Husky is very different from a Siberian Husky. Australian huskies look more mild and gentle while Siberian huskies look more authorian and fierce. Also, the pupils of Australian huskies are pure black where Siberian huskies have beautiful set of sky-blue pupils. Overall, i still prefer Siberian huskies to Australian ones. They look fiercer and their pupil colour is very unique, which attracts me much.
Nevertheless, this Australian male Husky simply melts my heart... i know i only love him of all Australian huskies... It's love at first sight... sigh........ ^_^

australian husky

i was in simei's pet safari with dennis this evening..guess what i saw..? from far, as i walked towards the window display, i was totally attracted by a puppy. It is an Australian Husky! What is really attractive is its beautiful coat - snowy grey, which i hardly see such colour in a husy..and it's not only this which attracts me. Its big bright pair of eyes simply electrify me, till now i can still remember its eyes. It's very friendly too. But the sad thing is that it cannot play with me, cos both of us are separated by a window pane. When i looked into its eyes at that moment, i could simply feel its utter disappointment. I just wished i had the money to buy it..!! T_T
i can say, it's love at first sight... ^_^
However, i realise that an Australian Husky is very different from a Siberian Husky. Australian huskies look more mild and gentle while Siberian huskies look more authorian and fierce. Also, the pupils of Australian huskies are pure black where Siberian huskies have beautiful set of sky-blue pupils. Overall, i still prefer Siberian huskies to Australian ones. They look fiercer and their pupil colour is very unique, which attracts me much.
Nevertheless, this Australian male Husky simply melts my heart... i know i only love him of all Australian huskies... It's love at first sight... sigh........ ^_^

growing up

well, think i'm growing up again...
i realise that i cannot be naive anymore..i'm no longer a child anymore..
it's only today that i realise there are some misunderstanding..aiyo..haa..anymore, dennis's not reading this so i can reveal a little..whaha.. xp
hmmm..i've learnt that i cannot have a mentality of a child..there are some things which i've to think in a more mature manner..troubles will come and i'll have to handle these unnecessary problems..well, luckily, i've done the necessary and essential communications..hmm, hopefully, things will improve ^_^
i've learnt something from the lesson and i will learn to be more careful..but still, i still have my views and principles to follow.. ^_^
also, i've deleted one very important blog msg. i realise how horrible i have been..i should not have done this, really..i really hope i can be forgiven..guilt and remorse over-rides me; i'm really very sorry..think i'm really very hurt n strong emotions have ruled over rationale, as a result, i've done something which is very very mean of me... T_T i'm really sorry..!! i should have kept it to myself, really......
man man's growing up le....!!!

sianz

sianz day today...(haha..broken english here..)
kind of enjoyed my lunch today..i was with evon, huamin n her 'gang' for lunch..and evon n i were getting absolutely crappy..it's all started after i had finished eating my cut fruits and pao in canteen A. There is always one auntie who goes around, helping the students and teachers clean up the table. Well, she came to me and offered to throw the plastic bag for me. Initially, i rejected her help but she insisted, just by saying in chinese, "it's okay." Well, the point is when she said this, she looked absolutely cool. Haaa, dun know why, when evon asked me what my ambition was, i just slipped off from my mouth and said 'cool auntie' (this's the nickname which i've given to that auntie).. then from my nickname, evon n i started the crapping session. i suggested to become the 'cool auntie's' disciple, learning to be cool like her..then later, set up an Institute of 'Cool Aunites' and offer an degree of 'cool aunties'. There, we started crapping tat the students will learn how to become aunties and say the three words "it's okay" in a very cool manner..whaahaa...not only that, evon and i suggested to make a movie in remembrance of her, when the 'cool auntie' will be the main character and i shall be the second main....crappy right? whahaha...huamin, evon n i were practically laughing to tears...whahahahaa...
later in the day, it's the most boring yet interesting part...i was all alone in the lib 2 studying. Initially i thought gary will be there studying too..then maybe i'll not lonely anymore..but no, think there's communication breakdown or sth like that..hmm..well, watever...hehee.. =P
interesting thing is that gary and i met online..he's back in his hall n i'm in lib..haha..so funny..anyway i hav no idea when both of us were talking about relationships..weird..whaha..but BUT dun think narrow (this is to warn those who read this n think otherwise) =P haha..but well, i think i've been influenced too much from a convent's education - to be ladylike, yet learn to have own opinions and speak up..ahaha..feminism i think.. not only tat, i almost slipped off from my mouth about the problem i'm facing -.- er..wat's going on wif me..?

hmm

boring day today..study the whole day and have to study again tmr... T_T not only that, my tuition's cancelled tmr...why....????!!!
hmm...i really hope the exams finish soon...really..i have so many things to do..play badminton..meet my four good good friends..haha...can't wait to see them..kind of miss them too..go kbox sing songs..play badminton with them..aiyo..hahhaa...!!!
then really miss my juniors in SAC..heard fr sihui on the flag commissioning parade day that she cannot control them..sigh..why??why?? why do i have to go back and clear up the mess...? =(
but still, i'll be there as long as i think i can tahan there..i cannot let the zone bully my juniors..they can bully me, not my juniors...sigh...think about my juniors, it's really a headache.. every patch has its own different problem n i have to solve them differently n flexibly..after exams, intending to take a refresher course to revise my first aid..i really miss doing first aid..
somehow or rather, i really dislike having so many responsibilities - being the eldest, being an officer...i know for sure, i cannot go study nursing n physio..i can't..i have to think of my family..not only being the eldest, i'm the smartest there =P my two bros are not pulling up their socks n again, this's my headache..n tat's why tat's one reason i dun really wan to stay in hall..i wonder how's the house'll be like without me around..i cannot let the others depise my family..i have to earn enough money so that i can be the backup just in case my two bros cannot support my parents fully..cos of my family, i've to give up what i really wan to do in life T_T
As days go by, i have this feeling that i'm starting to forgive derek...until now, i still believe that he's good-hearted deep within him..he's a leader now; he has a dream for the zone n for the hq..he wants to prove others wrong, i think..this, i cannot blame him at all..i can understand that a leader has to do what he has to do..i know n i understand... =)
sigh...really hope i can have a husky...can hug them n they look fierce enough to protect n comfort me..whahaaa..
hahhaa..dun know what's wrong with me now..? been thinking too much la...

stressed...

T_T everyone's so stressed these days...everyday's s no time to talk.. T_T
boohoohoo... =p
sigh, being tired of studying computing..really dislike computing..both of us have no mutual understanding..hahah..well, maybe i will re-take this subj in my yr 2...feel like re-taking computing..whahaa..
hmmm..still wondering who's the anonymous, really...hehehe..
kind of miss dennis, kind of miss playing Burnout..miss playing Need for Speed Underground and miss playing Gunbound.. T_T
arg..i can't wait for my exams to finish...so that i can play badminton, play PS2..go back to SAC to see my naughty juniors..

afterall i'm correct

heee...haha...well, afterall i'm correct..

hehe..just realised this evening that i'm correct afterall..one, i know myself. ^_^second, it's not about confidence, but it's the fact.. hehe

hehee..dun know what i'm talking about? hehe..it's okay..as long as dennis can understand, that'll do..anyway dun think he'll read this..nobody will read this except for the few friends who are in my mind now..hheee...anyway, hehe..watever... =p

^_^

well, maybe it pays off well to be a nice person.. ^_^
it's easter day today and i was studying late at night..suddenly, i just received a message. guess who sends? hee..even i myself cannot believe...!! it's from my 'long-lost' indonesian friend..he sent a greeting message for easter day..hehee..i'm very happy..
One reason is that i often think that he forgets me..but well, maybe no longer.. ^_^
hmm..but i do cherish this friend though i've not been talking to him for a long long long time..to me, i just feel that he's one who is very good-hearted, tat he often seems to sound depressed over msger about people around him.. hmm..i can understand how he feels..i wish to help him, though i can understand that he'll not talk to me over msger anymore..hmm, so i try to help him in a quieter way by sending mails of thinking positively about life to him and my other friends. I think it might look very naive of me but i just feel like helping him cos i think he's worth to be cherished as a friend..well, i don't expect any gratitude from me, cos i'm mentally prepared about this..so when he sent me a greeting message, i am really very very happy..cos i really never expect anything from him and he just takes me by surprise...
afterall, i just feel that it's really great to be a nice person..and i decide to continue to be one. i'll try to improve myself, though it's not 100% guarantee..hehee..but at least i know, there is still hopes of being a nice person; there's still hopes of life.. ^_^
though today's evening ruined my day cos of st john again, i know there r still ppl around me which give me the hopes and strength to be a nice person, trying to help and brighten up others' days...
hmm..think my this indonesian friend may not be able to read this, but still, i want to thank u for giving me one gleam of hope... ^_^ the message may be simple and insignificant to u, but to me, it's a form of big encouragement for me to do what's right in life... ^_^ thank you and may God bless you everyday!!!

sigh

had not been feeling very happy recently..sigh..something's going wrong..
For the past few days, he has not been in a very good mood. His temper has not been very good. I have not been feeling well recently and he scolded me last night for not going to see the doctor. In fact, I have no idea why he is so fed-up and the way he asked me to see the doctor was almost like a command. sigh..at that point in time, I was pretty hurt. He was not like this when I knew him before. I know it's partly my fault that I refuse to go see a doctor even when I am not well. Things have not been very smooth.
Somehow, he just feels that we are getting further away from each other...sigh, this I have no idea. I am really very busy with schoolwork and I have no time to spend time with him. well, partly it's because I start to know two male friends, one local and one fr vietnam. He always has this idea that both of them like me and to me. Well, of course, i deny that they like me..they only treat me as normal friends...but sigh..i don't know..talk about this, i'm very very confused..he's not very happy that i deny this 'fact' and he thinks that i've this stupid mentality that i am still in a girls' school..sigh..don't know la..
but don't know la..sometimes i just have this feeling that i should tie up my hair again..in this way, no guy in school will want to know me..then he'll not feel in this way..i don't know..thinking of this oftens confuses me. But i feel strongly that after this relationship, i'll not want another one in a short time. First, i don't think there'll be guys who like me..i've nothing attractive..haah..erm, next, i still like him..though he has a very very bad temper, though he will not say anything comforting when i'm sad, he teaches me many things. If it wasn't for him, i will not be having a better relationship with my parents. If it's wasn't for him, i don't think i can make it through the hardships during the jc periods and after the release of 'A' level results. If it's wasn't for him, i will not be going to gym. My dream's shattered, and yet i know i gain another-to know him. And i think he'll be the only one who will tell me anything about soccer, games and cars though there're times when i've great difficulties understanding the technical terms..sometimes we even talk about girls who walk past us..
but the thing is he'll not want to marry..and that's saddening me..sigh..i dun know la..

what's going on with me today?

bad day today..first thing in the late morning, i met a flasher. I'm not kidding...!! I was on the upper deck of bus 21 that day, on my way to my student's house. Then along the way, from my seat, I noticed a middle-aged man walking along a isolated path. Initially, i thought he was wearing a skin-coloured shorts. But when the bus passed by him directly, I was wrong....!!!! He was naked at the bottom...!!!! OMG...!!! Arg...when i think of this now, i still cannot believe what i saw....!!! I saw a flasher...!!! omg...omg... T_T But thank goodness, the view was not very near, or else i really want to cry...!!!

nil

well, sort of miss my juniors now...really wondering how they are doing now...i'm pretty busy recently and i can't go back to take a look at them.

Sometimes, I feel quite tired of going back.Whenever i go back, i am always feeling disappointed..no discipline and always very sloppy. I go back once, they disappoint me once. Sometimes i just feel like leaving them alone and let them die.......!!!

but well, it does not imply that i am good. I just feel very frustrated that they seem to be depending on officers. I know my status in the zone now and i know i cannot go far in the zone. I also cannot stay in SAC for long. Sooner or later, new officers emerge and i have to leave.

It's really very tiring..and i know i am going to lose my knowledge soon. It've been a long time i've not been doing first aid case and i really scare of finding myself helpless if there is a case for me..i dislike this kind of feeling.... T_T

blood donation

today's my first time to donate blood..!! I'm so excited and of course, nervous..heee..

well, it's good experience for me..and in fact, it's not that painful as i thought. I realise it's only the injection for pain-killer which will be painful. But as for the blood transfusion, i can say it's a breeze..but then, my arm is ver tired...hahha..not only that, the doctor told me that my blood pressure is pretty good..hehee...of course, it has to be good, i go to the gym to exercise regularly..(hehe, all thanks to dennis XD) and i saw that guy there. I think he noticed me but he didn't even bother to say 'hello' to me..hmm..wonder why..cos if he were to be really my friend, he should at least say 'hello' to me..hehee..

well, i saw him again for my P.E. lecture. I tried to look at him to greet him , but he just ignored my attention..hahaha..so rude! =p hmm..but i realise that he is actually a ver shy person. On the message and on the messenger, he's not that shy as i think of. Then it's only after the lecture when i was walking alone, he came towards me...hahaa..now i can confirm that he's really very shy..but if he were to want to be my friend, he should not feel that shy, right? hmmm...
wonder my hypothesis is correct.. =p hahaha..

a note

hahha..something interesting happened to me..haha..and this is my very first time to get a note from a guy..haha.. ^_^

well, here's the story..I was walking out of LT10 after my P.E. lecture..as i was walking down the stairs to get down to the first floor, i noticed that there's a guy walking behind me. I recognised him to be from the same lecture group as me but i had no idea of his name at all. Well, when i reached the first floor, i realised that he walked ahead of me. And very swiftly, he just passed a small piece of paper which was folded neatly to me. All he said to me, "na,there's something for you.."And he left me standing in the stairway, doubtful and utterly surprised. Haa..in the letter, it said that he wants to be friends with me...hahaa..but when i went out to try to look for him, i realised he just disappeared into thin air. Haaa...he left so quickly that i could not have the chance to talk to him, to clarify things to him. haha...but i noticed that when he passed the note to me, his hands were trembling a little and he sounded ver shy...hhaa.. =p hahaa..that's very cute of him..hahaa..

huamin's birthday...

Today's huamin's birthday and we went to ktv to celebrate..it was of great fun...first time that i dared to sing so comfortably in front of others..heee..i am always very shy to sing whenever i'm with my group of wushu friends..hehe..don't know why i will react in this way..but well, i do..

hmm..maybe it've been almost about seven years i've been with these four good friends - Zhijia, Huamin, Jacinta and Sindy. I really feel very comfortable with them, and so maybe due to this, I dared to sing my heart out..hehee..and hhee...they praised that I sang pretty well.. XD

Haaa..I'm so happy..!

But today's really very enjoyable.We bought a chocolate cake and a wallet for Huamin. She was really happy and it was a record that she was willing to take photos with us..hahaa..

All of us had a great time and we chatted for a while after that. And we were talking who will get married first and who shall be the bride-maid..haha.. =p Really hope we can be like this til we grow old. They are all very wonderful people. They are those who make me hold my belief firmly that there are still nice people around in this world.. =) really treasure this friendship..!

Anyway happy 20th birthday to you, Huamin! =D

reactivation of my blog

heee...now start writing my blog again..cos zhijia told me to continue to write...hehe..anyway it's her who helps with the template...so in order to show my sincere appreciation of her work, i decide to continue to write.

But i'll try my best not to write any of my theories of life....cos i think i'll really make myself go into depression... =p

Hee...

sensitivity

Somehow or rather, I've no idea what's going on with me these few days...
Maybe my first day of the year was not started well. Or maybe I've been thinking too much..
Sometimes I juz think I had been overly sensitive...
Sometimes I had been thinking too much...
I think I have reprimanded myself too much...
Somehow, I seemed to know why people like keeping pets, especially dogs.
'cos somehow I think I'm quite afraid of the world..
I'm afraid of people and
I think I'm quite afraid of myself.
I realise everytime when I start writing opinions about the things and people I see, I start to ponder upon my own actions. I start to feel afraid that I am one of them. I start to think I'm scolding myself. I start to think I am not a human when I write them...
Man is a scary animal. They think, so they do and manage relationship differently. Sometimes I juz wish I dun have to think so much...cos it's devastating me...
Probably that could be one of my reasons why I didn't want to climb too high up in one of my extra-cirricular activities...I'm scared that I'll change...I'm scared that I'll not like myself..
Well, let's take it that I'm overly sensitive...and paranoid?
Well, or let's say, it's not curiosity that kills the cat, it's sensitivity...

Innocence,naive, ignorance and stupidity

Many like kids,
Many like babies,
Many like baby animals,
Not because they are cute.
It's because we are not them.
We do not possess the natural innocence.

Innocence and being naive is just a thin line across.
Naive and ignorance is separated by this fine line.
Ignorance and stupidity differs just by that thin line.

As we grow, we learn to be less innocent. We learn to be less naive. We learn to be less ignorant. This is the world, the world we live in. The words we say, the way we think, the way we do things, show how innocent, naive, ignorant and even stupid we are.

Innocence, naive, ignorant and stupidity is just a thin line difference.

Just last year, I went to a seminar to give a speech. I had raised a topic which everyone knows yet nobody dares to voice it out. It's a daring speech, that's the many responses. Sacrasm and laughter hid within the shadow of compliments.

To them, I was innocent.
To them, I was naive.
To them, I was ignorant.
To them, I was stupid.

I expected that kind of response. They thought they were the audience, laughing at a clown. But they were wrong. They were the clowns, I was the solitary audience.

It's good to be innocent at times.
It's good to be naive at times.
It's good to be ignorant at times.
It's good to be stupid.

And to be really happy like the babies, kids and baby animals, I prefer to be naive, I prefer to be ignorant. I prefer to be stupid at times.
For me, I want to be naive at times.
Only then I can hold firmly to my idealistic beliefs and principles.
Only then I can feel the true happiness within me.

angels n devils

i'm not intending to write a lot of the things that i do everyday..think it'll be boring..ahha..

well,this is a channel to voice out..hahaha..!!

angels, they are beautiful.

devils, they are ugly.

angels, they are pure.

devils, they are corrupted.

angels, they are nice.

devils, they are evil.

But do we always have to listen to angels?

i was introduced to the religion of catholic when i entered a girls' school, St.Anthony's Canossian Convent. i was taught to follow the goodness..to forgive and forget..to always be willing to give than to receive..i learnt them and i try my best to follow them..that's my life there.

When i stepped out of the comfort zone, i realised that it's very different from what i had learnt. it's a cruel world out there. u have to protect yourself.u may be weak but u have to make sure u have to protect urself. people will take u for advantage when u r jux too nice. tat's wat i've seen things and ppl around me...

i once heard this from one of my friends,"it's good to be bad guy." erm, to be a devil, i can say that. well, being a bad guy is indeed easy. u dun have to think whether u r treating the person nicely. u juz make sure u get the benefits.

well, one can argue that being a bad guy will lose all the trust, will lose all the friends. well, then this depends on how do u define what makes a bad guy. in my context of a bad guy, one will always have no complete trust in others.

being a devil will help get climb up the ladder of success faster.

being a devil will make oneself stronger.

being a devil will make oneself to be practical.

being a devil will make oneself to survive well in Charles Darwin's theory of natural selection.

BUT

being an angel will gain u trust-worthy friends.

being an angel will make oneself to treat others truthfully and sincerely.

being an angel will make oneself to be different from the world.

So,u wan to be an angel or devil?

Maybe, this world is too realistic. u juz have to be both. u cannot escape from them. in everyone, there lives an angel and a devil...

how to be both? u already have the answer.

all about 'drdavinci'

ok...hmm...well,first thing first..haha..welcome to my blog...!

hmm..this nick is my favourite..heee..first create this username when i was sec 2..'dr' means 'doctor'..it's my dream and ambition to be a doctor who can work in the ER(Emergency) section..but hmm,well, i can only say now that, this dream will always stay as a dream..years of hard work and changes are down to drain...arg...i dun want to talk about this now and ever..sigh..it's still hurting within me..everytime i see the laboratory coat,i am reminded of my dream..sigh..everytime i feel helpless that i cannot help my juniors in first aid and nursing,i am reminded again...everytime i watch the drama 'ER',i am reminded again!! SIGH...! well, i think i really need to accept the reality...when the results are not good, u can never bother to think about your interest or anything..it's a hard reality i have to face..well,maybe God doesn't want me to be a doctor...think He has reasons...hee..

ok,'davinci' was the famous artist cum engineer cum scientist..i learnt about him when i was sec 2..Leonardo da Vinci was the one who drew the renowned paintings 'Mona Lisa' and 'The Last Supper'..actually i cannot remember his place of birth,his date of birth etc...what makes me to have such a big impresson is his intelligence and bravery..he was smart..designed bridges and planes..he was brave enough to secretly cut open dead patients' bodies (it was illegal to do that in his time) and then quickly drew the anatomy swiftly and beautifully...i love his daring spirit..!!hee..hmm..think he's quite good-looking too..whahah.. =p