SIAN. (-_-) AGAIN !!!

ME SIAN AGAIN.

MY MUM STARTED CALLING MY HANDPHONE NON-STOP. AND SHE KEPT REAL CLOSE TO MY TRAVELLING TIME. WHAT THE LA..!!!

CAN'T SHE JUZ BE AWARE THAT WHATEVER SHE IS DOING SUCH THING, IS CREATING ONE LEVEL OF STRESS UP? WHEN I REACH HOME, I CAN'T FOCUS WELL. THAT'S MY STUDY TECHNIQUE AND HABIT. I NEED TO STUDY OUTSIDE !!! AND SHE NEEDS TO KEEP SO SUPER CLOSE TRACK OF ME. AND ALL SHE CAN DO NOW IS TO ADD UNNECESSARY STUPID STRESS ON ME !!!!

EVERY TIME, WHEN I THINK OF THIS, I GET VERY VERY EXHAUSTED AND JUZ DUN FEEL LIKE STUDYING !!!

EVERYTIME WHEN I THINK OF THIS, THE MORE I FEEL DETERMINED TO EARN LOTSA MONEY SO THAT I CAN OWN AN APPARTMENT FOR MYSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. SO THAT I DUN HAVE TO FEEL SO SO STUPID RESTRICTED.

ARG !!!! =(

SOMEHOW IT SEEMS TO DUE TO SUCH STUFF, I REALLY DETEST TO BE A PARENT IN THE FUTURE.

@%#^$%&*_)*($#%#@$#@#^&*)(*&(*^$#@$@#^^)*$#@!%^^)_*%$#%^&^#*)++><""#@#^^@@*(%$@@%*($##^)*!$^*)%@#%(^%$$*

hmpff. =(

I feel very angry and irritated.

tired..

tired.

but it seems to me that things turn outn slightly better...

Finally, one friend of mine is no that mad at me.

dun know recently, i have been like going around making ppl mad... (-_-) wat the...

Thank God, my that fren not tat mad at me. Think still mad, but not so mad as before..

Ok, put this aside first.

Good news.

My buddy is back..!!!!
HAaa..so happy to hear from him at last...!!!
HHAAA...

Been studying in airport for non-stop action pack. REal tired now.

Went youtube.com to watch a few cuts of "Helen the Baby Fox" movie. Super touching. Juz a few mini scenes, and i could feel myself wanting to tear. Sigh..too bad, can't watch over the cinema...

Hearing the "Helen the Baby Fox" music now, again.
If only i could have a chance to hear a real person playing this piece of music, right in front of me, n only for me, i believe i will cry till the whole place is flooded.
Of course, provided the person could play it well. Think this piece of music is not easy to play. Feelings need to be put into while playing it.
Anyway, right now, i only day-dream. haha

Still handling my life being single. Probably i've been attached for too long.

This thurs, my exams start.
Sigh.
Sian.
Heard that ENE competition is pretty tough, tougher than CEE.

WHYYYY...??? (T_T)

sigh. (-_-)

Sigh.

Why like this?

Sigh.

Terrible.

Praying hard that things'll turn out fine.

Please please... (T_T)

Sigh. (-_-)

NIce.. (",)

haha..nice nice nice...

First time saw Siberian Huskies with white fur..!! Both pups are only 3 months old, blue eyes, pure white fur and not only that, both are pure breed..!! OMG...!! o_O when i saw both of them, i was totally wholly electrified by them.. THEY ARE VERY VERY BEAUTIFUL..!! OMG...when the pups looked at me, i could feel myself being electrified and my heart melting away..

THEY ARE REALLY VERY BEAUTIFUL...they are so beautiful that i can't control myself but to ask the pet safari shop owner about their price. $2800..omg..so expensive..even more expensive than my Lala..according to the shop owner, the normal price for Siberian Husky with the common fur colour is about $2300, for the same age.

Sigh, too bad, i dun have the money now to buy them. Huskies with white fur are very rare.

Good, i have a target again.

I will get a Siberian Husky with white fur next time. I will work hard and earn lotsa of money. Of course, I will target to buy an apartment for myself first before getting a husky. NO choice, my parents dun really like pets to be kept at home. Also, they have been urging me to get myself an appartment. hahaa..yes, these are my targets now..!!

In fact, i have already thought of a name for my future husky le..n it's very nice name, suitable for husky..hahaha..

OK, this is only one happy thing.

NEXT...!!!

OK, next happy thing is that i've scored a A for my "Dogeaters" 1000-words assignment. I was utterly happily shocked..!!! I scored even higher than my "Dracula" assignment..!!! Not only this, i only took 3 hours to write this assignment with little research done.

WHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA....!!
Me so happy that i hopped towards my parents to tell them my good news..!! hahhahaa...

Real happy over the grade. BUt of course, i need to improve on my grammer, as what my tutor commented in the assignment:

"You present a nicely organized and insightful essay here. Nice work. Need to work on your grammar and clarity.
Grade: A"

hahahh..hmm..ya, this is what i need to improve on. But thanks goodness, she only marked upon my ideas and critics. =p

haha..me so so happy..

Can get to see such beautiful husky n get back such happy grade..!! me happy happy...

I've fallen in deep love with the white-fur, blue-eyed Siberian Husky..

OHHH..OH...please dun drag me out of this secret love...!!! NOoOOoo...

*crap*

tired but fun..

today's zj's birthday party..

Went her house early and played with dan dan n cookie.
Cookie has toned down real lots and become more obedient. Also, he looks more depressed. Dun know wny too..probably cos of the second entering of the second dog, dan dan.

dan dan is super hyper. jumped on me several times and some more kissed my lips out of the blue. Jus scarificed a kiss to a dog. omg..

But definitely i prefer cookie more..haha..

today's great party though zj doesn't have the time to entertain my click. haha..basically my thic click not very comfortable with crowds, so ended up in her sis's room playing scrabble and decorating her guestbook. think our decorations is the nicest among the rest..
hahaa

but a funny feeling often rises up within me today. it's as if zj is getting married and hm, jac, sindy n i are the bride-maids. Get to see zj dressed up nicely. Like her temporary perm even though her hair is not dyed. She dressed well today. hhaa..but the whole thing looks as if she's getting married. haha..

thinking about getting married, now i'm still wondering who among the five of us will get married first. At first, when i was attached, i would still think zj will get married first, then probably followed by me. But at that time, i still think i'll marry late cos i have to wait for him to settle his career first. but well, now, i din have to wait at all...sigh...anyway i din want to think about this whole stuff as i've already closing myself up le.. hhaa..still who will get married first? hmm..i'm still wondering..haha..but i believe on any of my fren's marriage, i'll think of someone, and could only heave a big sigh. hahahaa..

Still enjoyed the last part of the party when everyone has left, except hm, jac, sindy, me and dly. chatting and eating together around a table...feel so relaxed today le..
at that moment, i could know myself forgetting all about my exams..haha..too bad, cos it's ard the exam period, if not, i will badly want to stay overnight in zj's place...and chit-chat with all of them the whole night long....

Wonder when can have such chance...haha..still feel zj this patch of frens are still the most comfortable group of ppl whom i can be with,.. (^^)

anyway read about next yr's my chinese horoscope..doesn't sound like a good yr to me, in terms of work, love life..
sigh..especially my love life, read it might get complicated...sigh..probably it's meant that i have to break up afterall..n i've decided to close myself up, regarding relationship. cos i know right now, no matter which guy whom i talk to now, i'll have this natural tendency to compare.

arg..sian...i realised i'll still tear a bit when i remembered some stuff related to him. whenever i wait at tamp bus station, will still recall he'll wait for the bus with me, even though he'll not take initiative to hold my hands or anything...n i believe no matter when i do any presentation, i'll remember him as a good presenter and acts as a form of inspiration for me to do well in presentations..but it's in the past le...no point brooding over it, right?

Someone did like me alot but my feelings for him is not strong as he is for me. Besides, i juz want to close myself out to any guy. Will still interact with them la, but maybe the issue of getting a second rs is no longer my priority le..

anyway still, i enjoyed zj's birthday party..!!! (^^)

All tests cleared.

Cleared. All tests cleared. Now left the examinations.

Had a big rest after my french oral test.

Till now, i'm still taking a break.

haa..

Recently my mum is not tat marking me. Get to study outside. FInally..
hahaa

Got a new study place recently. Me quite happy, cos recently my fav place mac has been quite reluctant to letting students study there. I could understand why la. Although they allow us to study there during the weekdays, I could still feel the restrictions. haa..

Recently, my mum has been uptight with the guy friends whom i know. Worry this, worry that...AIYO...i din even think of anything and she keeps evaluating whether this guy has any intention or watever crap. (-_-) AIYOooooOO..lucky thing, i din tell her all the guy friends whom i know. phew.

Basically, right now, all i want to do is to focus on my studies and my interests.

Getting into another relationship?

Na, forget it. I am very very tired.

Been putting almost all my efforts into the first one. I am totally exhausted. Even if I were to get into a 2nd one at this time, it will be definitely half-half, or maybe even less than that. I am really totally exhausted.

Somemore my mum keeps evaluating about guys. Keep telling me to get guys who have the same or higher academic level than me so that i'll not have a tougt marriage life or watever crap stuff...she's making me feel that i need to be materialistic.. (-_-) sian. i know i have to realistic but i dun want to be so materialistic.

Also, she tells me not to read so many literature novels, claim they are not healthy for me. Asks me to read more newspapers. Says I'm too sentimental, probably due to my exposure to few literary texts. o_O i dislike reading newspapers la..!! So boring and dull la..

And recently, all the literature texts which i read and study contain many dark themes. The first text which i come into contact with dark themes is "I am the King of the Castle". Did study Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" but that theme is not dark enough. The darker themes are basically found more in my 2 current texts - Bram Stoker's "Dracula" and Jessica Hagedorn's "Dogeaters". The movie for Dracula is totally sexual and first time when i saw such movie. haa..not suitable for couples to watch together, cos the guy will definitely do wrong things after watching it. haha..then again, i scored a good A- for tat Dracula assignment.

Think i'll not do well for my "Dogeaters" assignment. The book is still abit cheem for me to understand totally. But i dun really like the language used in this book. Always "f" here and "f" there. I know it has a strong theme of sexuality. It just sounds so vulgar, but then again, that word does create a strong emphasis on that theme. Still like this book, cos it's a very different style as the old english literature texts, which is plotted chronologically and systematically.

Reading such texts do influence my way of thinking and allows me to be more open-minded. Think many times, my open-mindedness seems to bewilder my parents, especially my mum. Probably cos of this, she doesn't really prefer me reading more literary texts. And they want me to read more on philosophy. o_O ah..reading that is even worse la..!! cos not only i'll be more rational, but i'll be more sentimental la..probably even more paranoid..!!

Anyway, basically I am very exhausted about BGR. Very very tired. Have put too much efforts into the first one le. The reasons of me initiating the break-up are not many people who can comprehend and accept. Probably cos i din write out about it in here. And i do not wish to write out here. See no point in doing it anymore.

Think this break-up has been a shock to many friends, further more the initiator is me. hhaa..sigh..never mind, i dun feel like talking about this now. No point talking over it anymore.

sian day..

very sian today..

Din do very well for the hydraulics test.
din manage to prove the first question which all my frens can do it.
Got my 2nd question's water profile wrong..it's M2, not M1.

sian. (-_-)

sigh. Ended up myself getting depressed the whole day. went to eat mac meal for lunch. played games when i reached home. and cried for a while when i reached home. been putting a lot of pressures on myself..sigh..

think i should not mind so much about others' academic progress.

but the more i study engineering, the more i detest it. keep disliking why i ended up myself studying engineering. a course which i detest it very much since secondary sch. been always wanting to be in the medical line. but then look at where i land up myself.

engineering.

but of course, one good thing in ntu is that i can still get to study english and american literature and of course french. if i can't get to study all this humanities-related subjects, think i'm going crazy le..

tomorrow still need to be a tour guide to my sch alumni. feel stupid doing it. cos need to travel so long..
sian..

SIAN..

anyway me be coming from vietnam on the 2nd dec. Dun know whether it'll be fun. but definitely it's something which i've been always wanting to do. be going to hanoi and ha tay. even heard from the organising committee that will get to stay in run-down classrooms etc and there is not much water..

tat's wat i like. can get to experience tough life for a period of time. basically, will be educating the students in hanoi and ha tay about first aid awareness, health care, oral care, computer skills, HIV, and blood donations. Heard thhat also be visiting agent orange victims. sounds cool to me. and definitely it's going to be a great experience of learning to take care of myself. Also, i get to have some leadership opportunities and i'm pretty excited over it.

funny thing, i'm excited over such stuff, and never get excited over engineering stuff. i'm super tired now..

can i not study?

very sian leh..

Letter | Sick

To: Atticus Darcy

Thanks for helping me with the assignment.

Though you did not help me a lot in the assignment, your few words carried weight and inspiration to my writing at that moment.

Afterall i am a woman, a woman who knows little about justice, pride and prejudice.

But i will pray that you will do well in your regime.


Signing off,
Elizabeth Bennet Proctor.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sick for the whole day.

Sneezed the whole day..arg... (-_-)

lucky thing, my mum made some ginger drinks for me. Dun really like drinking it much cos it has a very strong smell of 'cong1' (dun know its name in english). But still, i drank it cos it'll be good for health. ha..

afternoon, nose is running a marathon. Now, it's running 2.4 km. Much better le.

Think i prefer talking to myself, as in writing blog. Start dislike opening my mouth and talking to people. Dun wan will have such a habit now. think my mouth is very tired too, and needs to take a break. HA..!!

Will be going overseas to vietnam on the 14th dec, instead of 6th dec. Wonder how the whole thing will be like. Going there wif a group of NTU ppl, instead of with my family. Think it'll be a great experience for me. I believe i will learn alot...haa...

Now my fingers are tired too.
I am a silent lamb.
A silent crab.

This is my life.
My life of silence.

hmm,

Finally i've something good about my tests.

Gotten an A- for my english literature Bram Stoker's "Dracula" 1000-words assignment. YEAH..!! Finally, i've a good grade for one of my tests..!! Finally..!! Enfin..!! haa..

I was real happy when i got back the grade yesterday. A- is the highest grade of all the rest and i'm one of the few who scored an A- for it. haa..i din really expect it, only expecting to get a B, due to my poor command of english and grammical mistakes. haa..but i believe i'm graded well for my ideas and critics. still, glad that my this american tutor is open-minded. hhaa..

Still, i'll get worried for its exam papers. Still remembered when i took another literature-related module during one semester, i also got an A- for my assignment but ended up getting a B for overall, due to the exams paper which i think i dun fare very well. Scare that this time, i'll get the same grade again for my this module. =x

What a pity, my this module is juz a prescribed elective. SiAN.

(-_-)

haa..also, gotten my new laptop today..!! my acer's travelmate 3010..!! With the weight of 1.5 kg and a screen sized 12", i simply love it. Besides that, it only costs 2,149 bucks, with intel dual core, 1 Gb DDR2, DVD-super multi double layer..etc..think it's quite a good specs for my usage. haa..anyway use my own money to pay for this laptop. I have the finance to support it, so i dun wan my parents to pay for me. They have paid a great deal for my education, especially my university fees.

Alors, il s'appelle Lala...

Haa..crap...

(-_-) SIAN | NAIS (-_-)

SIAN AHH...

Gotten back alot of my semester's first tests..

Din do well at all. Flunked one and the rest are all passing grades.

SIAN. (-_-)

This semester's subjects are getting harder and I am starting to lose all my studious morale..sometimes, or in fact many times, i juz dislike going to sch to study things which i dun like. engineering. till now, i dislike this course. but wat to do? i must get at least an degree in order to survive in the society. u may think academic results are not everything. True. But this is merely an optimistic way of thinking. I've learnt it in a hard way.

The competition in ENE is getting tougher. Almost everyone is scoring well for their tests la..!! sigh..

SIAN. (-__-)

Recently, me so stressed up that i eat more frequent than before. Me so stressed up that i can't sleep in my bedroom last night. Ended up sleeping on the sofa in the living room. 4 and 1/2 hr of sleep.

SIAN. (-___-)

REminded myself that i used to sleep like this when i was in junior college. Too stressed up.

In fact, this semester, i've not been involving in many activities. But then, i've no idea why i still can't catch. I do my tutorials more regularly for this semester, attended a bit more lecture for this semester, yet i can't catch up with the rest. Sigh...

Now in school, writing this "sian"ly blog of mine. Just finished my hydraulics tutorial and still dun understand the concepts for the stupid hydraulics jump..this friday's the test le...

SIAN. (-____-)

Later in the evening, i still have to attend a meeting for my sch's vietnam mission. This sat, i still need to help out by being a tour guide to my sch alumni juz cos they are the main sponser for this mission trip.
I dun feel like going for the tour guide thingy lei..but then, if i dun go and help out, i feel i'm not involving actively in this project, as what i've promised during the interview. (by the way, the interview for me was very short, takes only about 5 to 10 mins. Others took so long and yet mine took so short. SIAn.) Anyway, how? should i not go for the tour guide thingy?

SIAN. (-_____-)

OKie, my face is getting longer now.
Shall stop here before my face grows even longer.


(-__________________________________________________-)

Okay, tis too long...

teSTs , tEstS...

A lot of tests this week.

30th octobre - French Theory

1st novembre - Geo-environmental

03/11 - Hydraulics

This is only within this week.

I still have a test on Solid Waste, which i've no idea when.

I still have another 1000-words assignment for my english literature.
And i believe this assignment is going to be harder than Bram Stoker's "Dracula".
The book I'm currently studying is "Dogeaters" and o_O this book, c'est difficile.

T_T

I wanna cry la..!!!

Not enough time to study la...!!! Been studying non-stop..almost 8 to 9 hrs of studying per day.

Cooolll..

Further more, I'm been marked by my mum now, and i can't go unnecessarily to my favourite study place to study..

SIAN..

je suis fatiguée...

25th.

It's 25th.

Been feeling a little moody for almost the whole day.

25th.

Sigh.

25th.
Finally I went to order the laptop which i wanted to buy badly.
Acer TM320X. A 12 inches screen with only 15kg of weight. Integrated 1.3 megapixels camera. Nice. I love it. Small screen but i'm fine with it. As long as it's ultra-portable. =D

25th.
Saw my vietnam good pal, Anh. Finally get to see him liao..!! But he told me that i look thinner and more pale.
Something striked me when he said, "Where is the old Man Sze who is always jumping around?"
Sigh. I have no idea, Anh.

25th.
My mum has agreed to let me go for the Vietnam mission organised by NTU..!! yeah..!! (^^) so happy..!! Going overseas for voluntary mission has always been one of my dreams..!! Also, only 20 students are selected to be part of the expedition team and i am really happy that I am selected..!!

25th.
I miss 25th.
Used to do something. Something which I used to never get tired of doing it. But of course, many times when i've been busy, i've no time to do. But sometimes, juz feel this stuff which i do is not often being appreciated. Then again, no longer doing it anymore.

25th.
Think it's only me who will still have nostaglic feeling towards 25th...

(-_-) , ; ' "

many things happened within these few days.

Too many things.

After the break up.

Too many things which i have no idea where to start and how to start.


// A Price to Pay //

I'm starting to believe more in retributions and doing more good deeds.

I lost something but I'm glad I've not lost everything.

Doing more good deeds are important.

Cultivating oneself to be a person who has the minimum thoughts of greed and evilness is even more important.

Not easy to do. But it takes a lot of time and courage.


// Suicide //

Like many people say, you will never know how it really feels until you are really in the situation.

I finally realised how it feels like when one intends to commit suicide.

Be it sinking into depression.
Be it cutting oneself's wrist with a sharp pen-knife.
Be it going berserk.
Be it going to jump down from the high-stories flat.

Many of you will think that it's cos of this person's weak mental self-control and perservance.
But this mindset is wrong.

The person is not mentally or emotionally weak.
He or she is only been pushed to the edge of the cliff of life, by the constant inflow of negative circumstances.
Every negative circumstance, every threshold the person needs to hold to.
At early stage, he or she can still remain optimistic. But as such negativity piles up consistently, within a span of time, the more the person has to carry this constant piling up of threshold.
Talking to other people no longer helps to relieve the stress and depression.

Especially for those who do not open up easily to others.

It's very hard to describe to all of you how it really feels like in the process of developing the idea of suicide and implementing it.

But now, I can really feel how one of my last year's NCOC cadet has been going through in his life. I believe that at that time, he went berserk was not because he faked it. But it's because he no longer can hold the anger within himself. He did not show his berserk behaviour to his parents, most probably cos he still respects and loves his parents and had contained his anger. So when there's a source of venting anger, he will grab the opportunity. Scary for a 14yr old teen. But I feel I could understand how he feels.

To be always obeying to parents' instructions and guidance, regardless of its nature.
To be not able to do what you really want.

Trapped.
Completely trapped.

At that time, I could feel, very strongly, and till now, that being in an uniformed group is not what he actually wants. He may tell his parents how much he loves being in it. But I believe he's saying just to please his parents.

Still remembered that incident very vividly. He was afterall under my care and leadership and I see the need and responsibility to cater to their welfare. He went berserk and I was totally traumatised, even till now. I could feel his hidden anger and unhappiness. From the pictures which he uploaded in his friendster, I could feel very strongly that he is a sad and disturbed child.

And it is though this incident, i've seen the ugly side of parenting. And i often detest the idea of parenting. A parent may think what he or she has planned for the child is meant goodness, but every man is different. everyone grows up differently.

Through this incident, I've often questioned myself about the meaning of uniformed group, the meaning of instilling discipline.

Till now, I still do think of this cadet. Still wondering how he has been. I hope he is as strong as me...

Basically, the feeling of developing and implementing the idea of commiting suicide is mixed and disturbed.


// Growing Up //

After this whole incident, I feel I have grown up.

It may not be over yet.

But at least now, I could feel i've grown up.
A person who is more matured.

But a person who will be less happier.

Letter

// A letter to Atticus Darcy //

A man of honour.

A man of pride.

A man whom j'aime.

Adapted:
"From the very beginning, from the very first moment that I met you, your manners showed me your charisma, leadership and your unleashed confidence to the feelings of others. On this basis was built, by later events, an im-movable fondness. After I had known you, I felt that you were the first man in the world whom I could ever be persuaded to marry."

A man of honour.

A man of pride.

A man whom j'aime.
Forever.

But give me some time.


Loves,
Elizabeth Bennet Proctor.

(-__-) NIAP | PAIN (-__-)

// Mery Shallay's Frenkanstain //

pain.

Frankenstein told me.

The monster seems to be disappearing away from his life.

He told me he was sorry for the things which he has done to it.

He was swallowing hard.

So hard that there was no tears at all.

He knew he had hurt it deeply. So deep that nothing could heal.

Pain.

Dun ask me further.

That's all he told me.


// Fate //

Seems to be believing in more about fate.

Believe everyone who enters into your life has a story for u to write in the book of life.

Short, there are some.

Long, there are some.

Pain, there are some.

Bliss, there are some.

Somehow, i seem to believe in before-life and after-life.

Some people will be re-entering your life just to repay u in gratitude of things which u have done to them in the previous life.

You may be also entering this person's life to repay something.

Good or bad, each entrance has its meaning.

In your life, you may not be able to repay this person's goodness. But you may mish to repay in your next life.

Me? I wanna be a human again in my next life. Cos there's someone whom i wan repay to very much.

Dun ask me who. Just let me have this personal secret to myself.


// God //

Recently, i could feel that God seems to be trying to tell me something.

Some things which He is trying to ask me to re-think.

May inflict serious injuries.

Today, someone seems to start to step into my life again.
By coincidence, I met a fren.
By coincidence, when i was feeling terrible.

one may go and another steps in.

T_T when is this going to end?

God, please tell me.

This time, i really need Your guidance.

tink i'm going to undergo mild depression.

again.

i could feel myself wanting to cry. i could feel myself wanting to throw temper.

but of course, i din display all this. so no worries, people. =)

probably i dun wan to unnecessarily hurt my frens around me, so i've contained all to myself. i know any words which come out in a fit of anger will only hurt people, sometimes will even lose the relationship.

so i choose to keep to myself and write all my frustrations and saddness here.
tat's why very often, my friends, u will tend to read depressing blogs here. Please forgive me if my blogs have often depressed u too.

very often, of course, i will look out of my bedroom's windows, look out at the sky at night, and talk to Him.

Somehow i often find comfort and peace just by talking to Him. To some people, such Him may not exist. To me, He exists.

Probably mainly because He is always keeping quiet when i talk to Him. So quiet that i could pour everything out to Him. To me, He responds to my laments with a gentle cool breeze.

Because He is always keeping quiet when i lament to Him. I could feel very strongly that He is my only listening ear at this very moment.

May not at this very moment.

But forever.

He may not give me any advice. But because He just listens quietly and responds to my laments quietly, i find complete comfort and peace.

Sometimes, He will show me some hints of advice through His small yet subtle ways. i could feel wat He is trying to tell me at many ocassions.

------ **********-------------

Anyway dun worry about me. i'm feeling better now after writing this, after writing about Him. Feeling better when i'm listening to this particular music. It is a theme music from the japanese movie - "Helen the Baby Fox". Try going to its official website: http://www.helen-movie.jp

I love this piece of music. Sad but soothing. (",)

attended the IMF S2006's MOH appreciation reception..gotten a cert of appreciation..haa..nice nice..

The place was held in mount faber's safra..haa..the same restaurant where st john had held the sin-ma first aid competition. Somehow i still remembered that was the time when i first interacted with my good pal, and respected him. haa..tat was the time when i first interacted with ma'am polin and it gave me a real great deal of chill and cold sweat. haa..lucky thing, my this good pal was there and i dun feel so intimidated. phew..and that was the time when i was helping my zone to sell snacks for the competition. hmm...bring back lotsa memories...haa..

Recently, my mood has never been good, and i think i've thrown a bit of temper on my the one. sigh...dun know why too..but recently i realise myself not having much patience as i have before. Probably cos that i've overslept many times, resulting myself not able to attend my mornings' tutorials. And i was really pissed..pissed with myself. Also, spent about 20 bucks on one taxi journey to sch, juz because i woke up late AGAIn and had to rush for my french's theory test.

(-_-)

No more tuition work for me currently. all my students have finished their exams..kinda miss them though. Think this batch of students whom i've taught are easier to teach and they leave pretty good impressions on me.

One is from maris stella. Teach him higher chinese and he is always very cheeky. Always telling me jokes which i can't help myself but to laugh. Always telling me non-sensical stuff which i can't really stop him while teaching him.

The other two students are basically classmates. Both have totally extreme learning habits. One will keep a notebook and she is very hardworking. I only teach her for two months, and she's scoring well for her tests. But her basic is very unstable. Sometimes giving me high BP.
The other is very lazy but he has fast learning ability. Always scold him for not doing my homework and threatening him that i'll tell his mum about his laziness. But funny thing is, i never complain to his mum. haaa..He's also one cheeky fellow. Very often when i give him work to do, he will give me that kind of 'poor thing' look which i always tell him,"please dun give me that kind of look.i can't stand it."haa.. =p but he has his talent - still remembered that he has talent for computers. nice nice...

The last student of mine is a 'N' level student. She will do my work and I like her learning attitude. Also, she's very cute and bubbly, often cheering me up with her innocence. haa..but as a tutor, i've a responsibility, so many times i can't joke with her a lot. =( n oh ya, her mum offers me one whole crystal skin mooncake. guess what? there's one BIG chocolate in the middle of the mooncake. (^_^) wwwwoowowww....i love it..!!! haa..

Really miss these students. Wonder whether i can still teach them...

Miss my SAC girls too. Really wonder how are they. Especially one sec one girl. Can't remember her name but she's one cadet who starts to open up more after i've talked to her. She's one whom i really feel a sense of self-satisfaction.

sigh..i dun know lei..feeling a bit tired of many things now......

Empty

je ne sais pas.

I'm feeling empty.

Have no idea why I am feeling this way.

As i talked to God juz now, I could feel myself wanting to cry.

Sometimes really want to get a Siberian husky.

Big and furry and huggable.

Though it doesn't understand what i'm talking about, it will still be my good listening ear.

At least its hug will comfort n ease me.

Anyway, no worries about me, people...

To remove that emptiness, I will chiong my studies. Chiong everything i do. Till i tire myself at the end of the day.

Lord, give me the strength.

-------- (-_-) ----------

Want to play badminton badly, all of a sudden.

Want to do smacking..haa..

Smack all my emptiness and frustrations away.

Cool. =)

happening..

A lot of things happened within these few days.

--- STORY 1 ---

Monday -

French role play test.

Late for my french tutorial again. (-_-)

Well, lucky thing i paired up with one classmate whom i am more comfortable with.

Lucky thing, I've prepared the test. The topic came up within my expectation.

A conversation between u and a french student:

Me : Bonsoir!! Comment ça va? Je m'appelle Man Sze. Vous vous sappelez comment?

My fren: Bonsoir!! Je m'appelle (my fren's name). Vous habitez òu?

Me: J'habite à singapour. Je suis singapourienne. Quelle est votre nationalité?

My fren: Je suis française. Je suis étudiante en uigénieuring. Et vous?

Me: J'etudie assusi..! Quel age vous avez?

My fren: J'ai vingt-et-un ans. Et vous?

Me: J'ai aussi..!! Quelles langues vous parlez?

My fren: Je parle français et un peu anglais. Et vous?

Me: Je parle anglais, chinois et un pey français.

My fren: ohh...Vous avez petit ami?

Me: Oui, j'ai petit ami. Il est à singapour. Et vous?

My fren: Non, je suis célibataire.

(Bell rings...)

Me: â bientot !! Au revoir !!!

MY fren: Au revoir !!!

*so how's it? hahaa...*

--- STORY 2 ---

Wednesday -

It's solid waste project presentation. And my friend and I represented our group to present our topics of research.

Waste minimasation in offices.

Choice of research venue: NTU's Student Services Centre building.

The slides were done on Tuesday and I prepared my part of presentation only on Wednesday morning.

2 hours before the presentation.

Guess what?

I believe I did well.

The class was impressed. My group was impressed. Even my tutor was impressed. He clapped at one portion of my presentation. Think he was really impressed with some ways of reusing paper which i demonstrated to the class.

=)

I knew myself I was very nervous. I knew myself that I still stammered at some words. cos I could feel my hands shivering at one instant and that it has been some time since my last presentation.

But i believe I have done well this time.

Cos think I've impressed the class that ladies can do presentations well too. I believe I have shown the guys that ladies can display their confidence on stage too. =)

Also, during the selection of group members, i did not belong to any group at all cos i did not know anyone from there. Some said they had sufficient group members, and there was one group which consisted of all guys and i think they were not very willing to take me in. They probably think I am a girl and can't contribute much.

hhaa..anyway normally i present myself to be kinda slack..always late for tutorials and lectures..haa..

You don't want take me in?

Fine.

I'll show you that you under-estimate my ability.

I'll prove you guys wrong.

And yup, I believe I did prove the guys wrong.

I believe I did prove to the class that it's a pity of not taking this blur girl into their groups.

I believe I have done my group real proud. They were utterly happy. haha..

GIRLS RULES..!!! =D

*probably cos i've been with my the one for long. I think when i presented at one moment, i could feel i'm talking like him. I could feel i displayed the confidence as how he presents himself when he talks. But of course, i'm still not as good as him. Then again, as i present along the way, i feel i could sense his presence. Probably cos during the presentation i was wearing the ring which he gave to me. *

hhaaa..DLY going to have big-time goose-pimples again..!! haaa.. XD

--- STORY 3 ---

Sad one this time.

Frankenstein could feel the sudden emptiness within him.

At that instant. Probably for long.

The monster was once mean.
It changed to the better.
But it always seems that being nice only leads to inflicting injuries upon self.
It decides to return to its dark side.

Frankenstein feels empty.

At that instant.

Probably for a long long time.

ARRRGGGG..!!

ARrRgggGGgG...

sth's wrong with me..

Rally wronge..

studei my sTeLe tset n realies tae it si no netx ntex MnO..!!! NTO tSI MnO..!!!

ADn nAd..

eM sTNoiGn AL..

(x_O)

wta's GoNg no Wfi eM..???

cPRA..!! ACRP..!!!

(T_T)

tiring week.. x_O

weekend's super busy..

Din have enough time to take any rest... T_T

Tuition on sat morning. Totally shagged, ended up myself not making for my 4 gd frens' gathering.. T_T

Duty in chinatown later on sat evening..

=) Finally, i had a case to attend to..!! A minor one, compared to the E case attended by my fren..

But still, it's a good experience. Long time i have not handled any case liao. Did feel a bit nervous initially. Really scared that the case will be a hip fracture one cos she's real skinny. Looks kinda fragile too. If goes by the concept of physics, the impact of fall (if a big one) may hurt her left hip as she fell right on it. By newton's third law, F=ma.

Ok,tat's CRAP. =p
Anyway thank goodness, it's not tat serious as i thought. Though she's still limping away to rest.

As wat my fren said, it's probably due to the rush of adrenaline in my body. After the case, i could still feel my legs are trembling a little. True, the adrenline rush needs to take some time to settle down. But of course, i believe strongly at that time while attending to the case, i know i din panick, but stay calm. PHEW...

Have not been having good sleeping habit recently. Still rushing over the sewing kit. Few hours of non-stop sewing.

My eyes swell with fatigue.

---- End of phase 1 ----

Realise Frankenstein has not been feeling happy these few days.

He told me he is the cause of the monster's downfall.

He told me he was tramatised. I could understand why.

A man filled with zest and bliss.

Now a man of paranoid and confusion.

Sigh.

---- End of phase 2 ----

"Welcome to the real world"

Someone said that to me once.

Disappointed?
Kinda disappointed.

Confused?
Very confused.

Paranoid?
Utterly paranoid.

Realistic?
Extremely realistic.

Detest it to the core.

"Welcome to the real world."

(-_-)

dun know why..these few days have not been in a greatest mood..

Probably the stress from the tests' doing all the tricks..

Too many things happened le.

Recently have been praying to God.

Prayin to Him to bless me with friends whom i can trust and get really be comfortable with.

Praying to Him to bless my the one that he can do well in law school so that he can have more time to spend time with me, other than studying (been meeting him just to study together).

Praying to Him to bless all my friends whom i trust and feel comfortable with.

Praying to Him that the friendship which i try my best to maintain will never change to the worst, but to the better.

Praying to Him for everything He has blessed and protected me. Cos i know He is always there for me.

But sometimes i just can't understand why people will change, often to the worst. People are changing not to trust others so much, resulting in some situations which hurt others' feelings. I can't understand myself either.

Frankenstein has changed ever since the day when he made the monster. He seems to shun away from Trust and leave the monster on its own destruction.

The monster used to be an innocent and good-hearted one. It trusted everyone around but cos of its appearance, it's being hurt. Badly.

It cried and I feel I could hear.

Maybe strong on the surface. But fragile inner. Just like a crab.

I pray that God will bless the monster, no matter how bad it will get in the future.

--- End (-_-) ---

Bought the "Princess hours" soundtrack. Great songs and music.
But dun know why, i feel like crying when i start to listen to them.

However, whenever i listen to these songs and music, i will talk to Him. He gives me the peace and comfort which i am yearning for.

Thank you, Lord. I love You lots. (",)

CooOoll..

First time ever.

First time ever I have studied so hard during this early period.

It's only test..!!!!!

And I'm already started to study real hard.

Chiong my books.

6 hours non-stop action.

COOL.

6 hours of studying concrete structure. Figuring out how figures are calculated, figuring out how to play with concrete.

50% into my head. (-_-)

Extremely tired now. Tomorrow going school and skipping my lectures.
Friday's hydraulics test - my hydraulics idol's test..!! WhooOo...hhaa..

Oh ya, forget to add this.

This morning, when i came out from my solid waste tutorial, i met my hydraulics tutor. He's my GIP interviewer too. Guess what?

He can still recongise me cos he smiled to me..!!!

AHHHhhHhh.. *faint* *faint*

I have to really do well for this subject. TRY not to be late for his tutorial.

----- End of phase one -------

Had a weird feeling encountered when i was sitting in mrt train from boon lay. Had a weird feeling that someone wanted to do something. Haa..but i shunned off. There's evidence of some obvious signs.

(-_-)

I have decided upon myself to never allow such thing happen. To me, such thing doesn't last long. I am getting pessimistic over such stuff.

(-_-)

I'm busy..more busy again..

BUsy again..

In fact, no, I'm more busy now.

Tests are coming.

hydraulics test this fri.
Concrete structure test next mon.
English literature project consisting of 1000 words next tue.
Water supply test next fri.

O_x

OMG..!!!

Really find it hard to breathe...

arg.....

This semester is really hard to get by.
Miss public duties.

But then I have things at hand.
Tuition jobs...
Studies...

Just these two are enough to keep me busy.. T_T

Anyway I am hired to be a part-time excursion tour guide for KFC's Chicky club's children. The person who contacted me for this job still remembered me as the Protex roadshow's hand-wash educator for kids. He still remembered me as the one who interacted with the kids in the wash-hand game activity. hhaa..me very happy..when i first heard it, I was in tamp mac. So went to the toilet to jump for joy.

Can't help myself. Me too happy.

First, cos initially, the working staff in the roadshow seemed to have underestimated my working ability. Well, cos i'm always looking that blur (can't help..i juz have that face). So i believe i really surprised them with the way how i managed to get the kids engage in that activity.

It's good to feel tat way. =)

Just rejected the interview for my school's GIP (Global Immersion Programme).

Just rejected the interview to go France for my next semester's industrial attachment.

Reason being? Personal reasons.
Calculated risk which I know nothing will turn out good just to pursue my dream of going France.

Still wonder my the one will be thankful and treasure me more for my this last-minute withdrawal from this programme.

Heard the programme is pretisgous. So after rejecting it, still feel kinda a little regretted.

But well, i try to take things at their stride. Afterall, this course has never been what i want to study.

If I were to be given a scholarship to go overseas to study medicine, at all costs, I will go.

But not for this. For my personal reasons, I faltered at the last minute on the day of interview.

The GIP interviewee, who is also my Hydraulics lecturer and tutor, asked me yesterday for the reasons of this sudden withdrawal. He looked kinda concerned but still he encouraged me to do well for exams. Sound kinda comforting to me. But then if I were to go for interview, I have this intuition that I'll be selected.

Anyway it's over. Dun wan think about it so much.

(-_-)

When this incident is over, it seems to me that a friendship has slowly disspated.
I have no idea why. Have an intuition that it's not positive.
Once again, I may learn something from this friendship.

(-_-) (-_-)

Feeling slightly better..

Din study at all yesterday..hha..

It's Sindy's birthday..!!

Happy 21st birthday!! ^^

Only managed to meet them in the evening. And well, took some neoprints. ^^ haha.. =) think i look nice in those photos..whaa...

Went zhijia's house after dinner. Played with Cookie. He's very hyper.. O-o haha..always urging people to play with him..and his mouth is pretty wet, ending up my clothes smell of his saliva..haha..but he's grown. His head's getting bigger.

Haaa..

Anyway tried the hoola loop in her house. haha..finally i know how to do that..!!! yeah..!!! me so happy..cos initially hm was laughing real hard when she initially saw me playing with the hoola loop. The way i hoola was kinda hmmmm..funny...it's really funny..

hhaa...

Deciding to buy a hoola loop. so that i can practise at home. also, dun know why, i can feel my tummy go flatter.

Pyschological flattening?
Or physically flattening?

Haa..dun care la..i'll juz buy one!!! >_<

very tired. very stressed.

only until now, then i have some time to write my bloggie.

Recently, wat have i been doing?

study.

study.

study.

study.

I can almost feel I'm going to explode.

These few days, I have several occassions when i feel like crying.

Realise that i can't.

Have bottled up my stress for a long time.

Yet i dun know how to vent out this stress.

Did feel better after a badminton session on wed. But realise it hasn't removed all my stress..

T_T

i really wan to cry out..

I feel very terrible......

*faInT* *FaInT*

I wanna faint today..haha..

Saw one of my old pri sch friends today..!! ArgGGggGGg..

I wannna faint..

Almost fainted.

hhaa..met him in bedok central with a girl. If i am not wrong, that should be his girlfriend. Glad to know that he has met another girl. But this girl looks different from his ex. This one is more quiet-looking and less active. Looks more suitable for him..haa..but when he saw me, he got stunned there for a moment, making me stun there for a short moment too.

With a waffle in one hand.

A file in another.

And me chewing the waffle.

And I stunned there for a moment.

O_O arrggg...!!

*faint* *faint*

Lucky thing is that I wore better just now. Phew.... =P

He has slimmed down pretty much, compared to when i saw him in junior college (i entered the same sch as him, but different classes). And definitely, he's grown to be more good-looking. haa...he used to my eye-candy in my primary school's years..hhaa..his eyes are pretty nice. but the thing is that he never even greets me at all la.. -_- the same old him still..recognised me yet din acknowledge me.. -__-

HAA..

u may think i've strayed off..hahaa.. NO nO NOoo..I am still in great l_v_ (fill in the letters urself) ..whaahaa..though his eyes are smaller than this pri sch fren's, his have the voltage high enough to make me feel the electric shock...

Ah..!!! i'm electricuted..!! stay a few metres away from me..!! Ah..!! *shock* *shock*

Someone's going to have goose-pimples again. haha..

busy..BUSy..liKe a BeeEzzz..

this is the first week when tutorials have started..

bussssyy..BuzzYyyyy..

already feeling the stress level in me on the first week of tutorials. also busy preparing my students for their tests and exams. T_T

me and my the one have started becoming couple muggers..hahaa..for him, i can understand. cos he has lotsa reading to do. Kanbatte..!!!

juz gotten a new tuition assignment. so in total,i have 4 students at all. One who is preparing her 'N' level exams.. x_o stress sia..

My prescribed elective is cool - "Music, Technology and Novel". Again it's english literature related. hhee..think i'll still prefer taking english literature to chinese literature. As i can express my opinions better in english, though my command of language is not very satisfying. For chinese, i could only write better in narrative works. Anyway, for this elective, i'll be studying "Dracula"and "Dogseater". Think i'll like these two works real lots.

my French language lessons are great too. Not easy to understand when my french teacher speaks too fast. But i love her voice - gentle yet brings out a level of artistic appreciation. Beautiful.. ^^ Well, motivates me to learn french more and better. haha..

but my this voice quality doesn't really suit specking french. japanese suits my voice more - more kawaii, u see.. hhaa..but well, i still love the french language and wanna speak it well.. =)

Miss playing badminton..feeling that i'm gaining weight again.. T_T

badminton, fireworks, HMV

played badminton today.. T_T i played badly today.. sigh.. think i'm tired ba..

Reached esplanade to watch the fireworks with my the one..super crowded..then ended up him being annoyed. din really get a good view site. partly cos tat we reached there late. hmm..but i think next time round, i shall go there alone or with my friends. At that point in time, i juz remembered that he dislikes crowded places a lot. noticed his expression juz now, he doesn't seem to enjoy the whole thingy totally...But well, still, despite the poor view site, i could still see the high level fireworks, especially the finale. The fireworks were simply displayed like nobody's business..!! as if they have too much money to spend..hhaa...

But well, tat's what i love the last part.

Many yet ongoing with high pace. hhaa..

Went to HMV after the fireworks. Saw the 'princess hours' soundtrack album.. T_T have that great urge to buy..!!! T_T goodness me..!! but it's quite costly for me.. sigh... =(

BORING DAY..

thReal boring day today..

Sigh..

Took 2 hrs of nap and watched 3 hrs of the korean drama "princess hours".

Initially wanted to go esplanade watch the singapore fireworks festival. In the end, made up my mind not to go le..

Going alone to watch the fireworks performance. think i'll tear in the end.

initially my the one told me that he's going pubbing with his orientation group mates.

Can't believe it's faster than i expect.

I expect one of the days, he will go such places.

Wat can i do? i can't do much. haiz..sooner or later, he'll change...

But i really want to go to watch the fireworks performance tonight badly. Did try to ask him whether he wants to go but he seems to shrug it off.

That's why even if i were to go alone, think i'll feel very down..wishing him to be there etc..
Should have asked lip yung to go with me, since he's bored today too..hhaa..

But well, my the one decided not to go pubbing. Cos he was asked to make a choice between pubbing and meeting me for breakfast tomorrow. not asked by me. I feel more relieved.
But then, there will be other chances when he will go pubbing.

I never like guys who go clubbing. That's why i'm very scared for him. Scared he will do something behind my back. But wel, juz realise he's wanting pub, not club..*phew*

Paranoid?

Yes i am.

Very paranoid when it comes to this.

So what to do? i juz let him go if one day he's going. For socialising.

HAIZ.

school's started..!!

School's started..me so excited..!! ^^

Really eager to start a brand new school day..cos there's no lab session at all in this semester..!! haha..me so so happy..cos i dun have to have that evil idea of wanting to burn down all labs in my sch..

whahaa...

Reached boon lay's new bus interchange and my school's bus booth is extremely EXTREMELY far away from the mrt station.. o_O

Bad decision-making. Dun they know that this will only increase the 'skipping school' morale in us, the students? Well, cos they've just increased my morale. hee.. >_<

Not my fault...

As usual, late for the 0830 lecture. and of course, i give that "i can't be bothered to be punctual" face. hhaa.. =p

Realised my favourite lecturer teaching us waste water engineering..!! hah..me so happy..!! he's very very cute. Find him looking like Santa Claus. Dun know why i will have such idea. maybe cos he's a foreigner and he has a belly and he looks old..haha.. ^^ so ke ai..!!

My hydraulics lecturer is an interesting person too. He's not physically cute nor good-looking at all. But he can make the whole class listen to him, though there were times when i still dozed off. hhaa..like my this lecturer.. ^^

Realise there are many interesting lecturers around in my sch. There is one who looks like Yu Tian (a tawainese artiste), one who looks like Fei Xiang. I have one hydrology lecturer who has a hairstyle of Einstein and a pair of cute deep jiu wo. haha..

And one more..!! He's my favourite lecturer..!! ^^
To me, he's considered to be quite good-looking and a very good presenter. He used to teach my patch of yr 1 common engineering students nuclear physics. He's always looking very pleasant. I still remembered, I walked past him twice and he smiled at me TWICE..!! ^^ aaahhhh...got electrocuted by his smile..!! hhaa..but too bad, this lecturer's from EEE. o_o

Anyway today's my last day in kumon. Really excited cos i find myself getting bored of working there with little pay.

This semester's timetable is great. No lab. class ends early. Can learn French.

But need to go sch early everyday. 0830 everyday. o_O

Let me see which 0830 lessons to skip..

sch's starting..

school's starting tmr..

Pretty excited.. =)

Been having tough time at home..have not been laughing (including smiling) and crapping with my family for a very long time..often wonder whether my parents actually miss my jokes and non-sensical craps and laughters..

Sigh..dun care much le..

School's starting, giving me excuses not to go home for dinner.

Nowadays, i've been having tough time having dinner with them. I'm like a walking corpse.

-------- (-_-) ------------

Will be going for Red Cross first aid duty's IMF. Feel like going.

There might have riots.

I dun care. That's what i want to be involved.

I'm crazy. probably. But i've been wanting to do this when i was back in HK last yr..

Wanna show my parents that i can take care of myself.

-------------- (-_-) (-_-) ----------------

During a recent gathering with my 4 very good friends, one of them posed a very good question.

"What do you think where you will be after 5 years?"

A question which i no longer have a definite answer to.

When i was in junior collage, i can still answer this question.

"Will be in NUS medicine. Saving people with the medical knowledge i hold dearly. Be a unique doctor to all my patients. Will be taking photos with all my patients. Will be......"

No longer now.

"Maybe i will try again for medicine course. Maybe i will go work as an engineering for 2 years. Maybe i will go NIE take up teaching. Maybe....."

Of course, I enjoy doing first aid duties. But so what? my family is not supporting me at all. my parents dun seem to understand what i actually like. They cannot understand why i like to go for first aid duties.

Arg..dun care liao..

I'm sounding terrible now again..

--------------- (-_-)' (-_-)" (-_-)"' -------------------

Great day..

Great day yesterday.. ^^

initially had a bad tummy ache in the morning. Visited the doctor and well, my stomach's okay. So i gave myself a good excuse to go cycling with lipyung they all..haha..

Cycling is fun cos it''s been a long time since i cycled. haa..met the Northland sec girls there'. they were having sec 3 camp and 2 of these girls recognised me.hhaa..

BBq in the evening. My the one came to attend the bbq and hahaa..guess what? He's the BBQ hero of the night..!! ^^ well, he helped to start the fire twice..!! hey, ppl, must thank him ah..hhaa..but i can't help much with the starting of fire. So, all i can do is juz stand by him, giving moral support and provided him as many welfare services to him as possible. whhaa..'think i'm going to be his personal missy..hahaa..!!! ^^

The chicken wings marinated by ys's mum was fantastic..!! I enjoyed eating them. But think cos my stomach's not fully recovered, i can't eat much too. Feeling nausea later on. Partly due to the marshed otah's paste being bbq...the look of the paste really disgusted me, and made me wanna vomit... x_x

hhaa..anyway the day was great and as for today..!!! i'm going to meet my 4 good good frens..!! haha..so happy..!! going changi village..!! wonder what's that place like...haha.. ^^

My parents're still not talking to me..almost a month of cold war soon..the longest war i've ever had to endure... T_T why can't they juz start talking to me first, esp my dad? is face that that important? -_-

Lessons of Love

hihi, people..!!

here's a little story to all of u, especially those who have been hurt along their way of life..

I apologise for the religious tone in this story, but the crux of this blog is to let you know something about life.

Anyway this is a good story, which i've actually gotten this from an email and had it printed out black and white. So that i could keep it in my wallet and read it whenever i see the need...

Lessons of Love

A ninety-one year old woman died after living a long dignified life. When she met God she asked him something that had long bothered her. If Man was created in God's image, and if all men are created equal, why do people treat each other so badly?

God replied that each person who enters our life has a unique lesson to teach us. And it is only through these lessons that we learn about life, people, relationships and God. This confused the woman, so God began to explain.

When someone lies to you it teaches you that things are not always as they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know their heart. And remove your own masks to let people know yours.

When someone steals from you it teaches you that nothing is forever. Always appreciate what you have, for you never know when you might lose it. An dnever, ever take your friends and family for granted because today is the only guarantee you have.

When someone inflicts an injury upon you it teaches you that the human state is a fragile one. Protect and take care of your body as best as you can, it's the only thing you are sure to have forever.

When someone mocks you it teaches you that no two people are alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, don't judge them by how they look or act; instead base your opinion on the contents of their heart.

When someone breaks your heart it teaches you that loving someone does not mean that that person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings will make up for all the past hurts put together. Times ten.

When someone holds a grudge against you it teaches you that everyone makes mistakes. When you are wronged, the most virtuous thing you can do is to forgive the offender without pretense. Forgiving those who have hurt us is the most difficult and courageous thing Man can do.

When a loved one is unfaithful to you it teaches you that temptation is Man's greatest challenge. be vigilant in your resistance against all temptation. By doing so you will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted.

When someone cheats you it teaches you that greed is the root of all evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter how lofty they may be. Do not feel guilty about your success, but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to engage in malevolent activities.

When someone ridicules you it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections ever which they have no control.

The woman's curiosity deepening, God once again began to explain.

When someone loves ur it teaches ur that love, kindness, charity, honesty, forgiveness and acceptance can counteract all the evil in the world. For every good deed, there is one less evil deed. Man alone has the power to control the balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused.

When you enter someone's life, whether by plan, chance or coincidence, consider what your lesson will be. Will you teach love or a harsh lesson of reality? When you die will your life have resulted in more loving or hurting? More comfort or pain? More joy or saddness? Each one of us has power over the balance of love in the world. use it wisely. Don't miss an opportunity to nudge the world's scale in the right direction.

- The End -

ahhhh chhOOoo chhOooo...

I'm sick..

very sick...

Caught a cold early in the morning..

Nose's running tremendously fast today... T_T

Despite my runny nose, i risked my life to go to the army market to help my buddy get some stuff..haha..hey fishiz buddy!! touched rite? hahaa... =p hhaa..but well, he's my buddy, so haa..i'll help him as much as possible, within my ability..hee ^^

back home after meeting my the one...face felt hot...

Had my body temperature...

uh-oh..i've fever.. x_X noooo...not at this time, pleasee.. T_T think it's not cold i've caught, it's flu...

arggggGG..!!!

I need to ensure i'll get well by tomorrow. i really want to go for the NDP preview. For the past 2 NDP shows, i din manage to watch the grand finale of the fireworks..!!! T_T why? cos i've to attend to cases during that period.. T_T ok, maybe u'll say..watch them from my house..NoooooOO..i dun wan..i wan watch from the stadium... hee..

Really hope everything goes on well tomorrow. Hope nothing goes wrong, especially on the red cross side. Sometimes i'm really tired of handling political stuff. Need to wreck my mini pathetic brain to weigh what ought to be done and said, and always lie LOW...

Have a bad feeling..i'm in high profile in RC now.. x_O arggg...

But i really hope i can get back home fast...early...i wanna make my parents eat their words that i can take care of myself and guarantee them that,"hey i''ve grown up le..."

But well, as u know, they'll always treat me like a kid.. T_T

Nose is still running..hope it's not running marathon though i know marathons' events are coming up...

I need to pray real hard tonightttt...

not a bad day afterall.. =)

Not a bad day today..

mum's talking more to me. hmm..a few instructions. Still a baby's step..

my student din pass her a maths test..!!! arg..!! T_T DEMORALISED LA...!!!

celebrated anniversary with him juz now.. ^_^ wow..i've been with him for a quite long time.. =) but i still like being with him though he's a little 'woody' and not very sensitive..haha..but well, there are important factors in him which i like.. whahhaaaa...

So mushyy...!!! arg...!!!

Anyway hopefully can play one more session of badminton this week...wanna try out my new racket..!! and oh ya, forgot to tell u all something..!!

yesterday, me paired up with my the one to play a match with lip yung n his friend.

The match's initial results - me vs lipyung : 0 - 11

Later, dun know wat had happened..my the one juz scored like nobody's business...

me vs lipyung : 11 - 11 odd.

=) cool rite?

and of course, close match..

and finally my side has won...!!!!! with the results 15 - 13 !!!!

yeah yeah yeah yeah..!! can't imagine can catch up so much...all efforts credited to my badminton hero - the one..!!! hahaa... ^^ =P

but i realised something. everytime when i compete against my the one, i juz cannot perform well. But when i compete against people like lip yung, hahaa...i'm highly motivated and juz feel like smashing the ball at him...since i've learnt how to smack ( haa..though still not good ^^)

hhaaha..dun know why la..maybe i get electrocluted by my the one..whahhaa

feeling better..

feeling better..after the game of badminton..

haha..also listened to one particular Christian song..i feel better..

My buddy FINALLY msg me..hahaa..i feel better too...

also my buddy had consoled me well and i feel better..

My badminton racket is getting a re-string make-over..!! i feel better too..!!!

Wilson taught me smacking skill today..!! master a little but not enough..haha..cos my arm strength is still not good..so haa..me going to start doing push-ups again. Actually Anh taught me before but i juz cannot get it right. But also of course, my footpath is refreshed again. Still not familiar with it..hmm..going to train myself more on it..
hhaa

My racket is getting a re-string and i'm really excited...!!! my tat one brought me to the right shop and i learnt a lot more from the shop owner. He's a badminton player from malaysia. And i believe he's a professional one..haha..

One of the days, i'm going to get a new one. A better one. hahaa..

^^

busy day today...

had a real busy day today..tuition in the early morning..and another one in the afternoon.

Travelling from Pasir Ris all to the Serangoon just for tuition. Ended up myself having no lunch. Basically, i din eat much for almost the whole day.

Haa..can't help it. I'm a workaholic. =p

Bad feeling's coming up in me again. Have a bad feeling i'm losing one friend. Again...sigh......

I really guess I have to learn to reject. Just dun wan myself ending up in a sad mood again...a mood of expectation yet disappointment...

I want to talk to God again. Need to ask Him a few questions. Hope He will show me the way to acceptance and enlightment..

Wonder how are my buddy and Anh have been doing. Din hear anything from them. Dun know whether my buddy has come out from his BMT cos been seeing a few army guys booking out n walking around in Pasir Ris and reminded me instantly of my buddy. He hasn't given me his band's music album -.-

Dun know when Anh's coming back. School's starting soon and he seems not to be back from Vietnam. -.- me wan play badminton with him. Feel like asking him to play with lip yung an wilson when there's a chance. haa...

sigh..siGh..SIGH...

I wanna speak to God again.

miss my SAC life...

Saw Mrs Heng today in sch after the passing out parade. had a bit of chat with her.

I was real excited and happy to see her..!! i was practically jumping and hoping towards her..!! ^^ haa.. ^o^ can't help myself. i was really happy to see her..!!

She's still as motherly and gentle as in the past. ^^ but she seemed to look more tired..feel a bit heart-ache for her..currently, she's still teaching as a part-time teacher for sec 3 and 4 A.maths and E.maths.

And guess what? hee..Mrs Heng still remembers my name..!!!!!!! whahhaaa...me so happy..!! She made my day..!! ^^

And to all my sec 4/7 friends..!! GUEss what..??!!! She still puts our class photos, which we took with her in 4/7 classroom and during the grad nite, on her working desk..!! T_T me so touched...!! n so happy..!! and she mentioned to me that our class is still the best class she has ever taught..!! ^^ haa..cos we always listen to her and will always do the homework she gave to us..!! haa...

Really miss my sec 4/7 class..Mrs Heng, our form teacher..Mr Robb, our hilarious New-Zealand E.maths teacher who always told us to save his homeland's trees..Mrs Boo, our joyful Chemistry teacher...hha..

Miss my sec 4/7 classmates..like Peiying, who sat next to me the whole year..doing all the silly movements eg 'row the boat' , giving each other weird nicknames like 'siew ya (roast duck)' and 'siew rou (roast meat)', physics's Fleming Left Hand Rule to become sticks for fishballs..whaahaa...and me teaching her cantonese when we were suppposed to be preparing for 'O' level chinese..haa..

Really miss those days..

happy n sad..arg..dilemma of feelings..

on 21st july 2006,

racial harmony day,

i had my oath taken solemnly.

With a little giggle though. =p giggled a little when i read the last few statements of the oath. I can't help it..!! T_T

It's kinda weird to take my oath in front of the lady commission of oath, in front of the two photos, and the flag. The whole environment was kinda weird, awkward, i would say. =p Well, of course, i was pretty excited cos i've renounced my british-hong kong citizenship and now took this solemn oath as a singaporean. hmm..pretty a significant day to me. =)

Attended SAC's passing out parade this afternoon. My girls were utterly nervous when they received the rank from the principal. haa..a lot of hilarious mistakes made from them..!! haa..but the passing over of positions was not very well-done, especially the passing over of the president appointment.

*shake head* i started to get worried for the future of my girls. T_T

The whole parade brought back my old memories. All my achievements i had in SAC, in sjab, especially...

1998:
- Appointed as my class's class monitor. (in fact, i volunteered myself to be one. dun know how i got the courage)
- Joined sjab cos there's no red cross in SAC. still, to me, made no difference as long as i could learn more first aid skills.

1999:
- Appointed once again to be the class monitor. (this time, voted by my classmates..haa..)
- Tremendous improvement in maths ever since i had joined my tuition teacher Mr Kelvin Ng's lessons. =) really grateful to him.
- Almost every maths test, I topped the class. =)
- Final year exam, i was ranked fifth of the whole sec 2 level in the Final year's Science paper. =)
- Got into my dream class - the only Triple Science class, sec 3/7 =)

2000:
- Appointed to be the class vice-chairman
- Often topped the class for my A maths's tests. =)
- Initially signed for SJAB zone 3's Basic Leadership Course (BLTC). But after the selection and interview, I was recommended to go for Advanced Leadership Course (ALTC). Basically, i've jumped course. =) with only a rank of a private.
- Awarded to be the ALTC's Best Cadet Award. Only with a rank of a private. =) this, i'm real proud of myself.
- During SAC's passing out parade, I was awarded to be the Sec 3's Best Cadet Award.
- At the same time, I was appointed to be SAC SJAB's vice-president cum secretary. this, i'm really happy.
- For my sec 3 term 2 semester, I scored full marks for all my A.Maths tests.
- So, I topped the whole sec 3 level for A.Maths. =)
- In SAC's Achievers' Night, awarded 'Leadership' award and 'A.Maths top-scorer' award.

2001:
- Represented SAC for National Pen Chinese Calligraphy Competition. But din win. haa..
- Represented SAC for National Chinese Composition Competition. Din win again. whaa..
- Got double-promotion in SAC passing out parade. =)
- A tremendous jump from prelims' 17 points to 'O' levels' 9 points.
- English literature -> prelims' B4 to 'O' A1
- English -> prelims' C6 to 'O' B3
- At that point, I really thank God for this. Din really expect myself to do this well. Really thank Him for His blessing.
- Entered my dream JC, Temasek Junior College. =)

I love my SAC life. =)

okay day today...

A okay day today...

Went to british high commissi0n today. Ended up catching in the wonderful rain with my umbrella. Caught the right bus in a wrong route direction.

But lucky me, have my stuff done. =)

Almost done.

Love rainy days. But not today. Cos my poor feet had been soaked with rainwater in the morning. -.-

Kinda miss my the one. Din really get to see him during these 5 days. Somemore, tmr's NDP and on sun i can only meet him for a few hours. ARgg...!! And right now, at 1245 and in a few minutes' time when i'm expecting his phone, i'm slacking my night off. He had slept exceptionally early due to his domestic matters. sigh..and guess what?

I MISS HIM LOTS..!!! T_T

Think i'm love-sick...sigh...

Love being with him these few years though there were times of disagreements and misunderstanding. He possesses almost every quality which i'm looking for my mr right. Though he is kinda 'woody', i'm glad that he makes effort in reassuring me in this r/s. but sigh...i dun dare to think of the future though. Sometimes, when the same problem is mentioned, i juz have this bad feeling coming up. sigh..anyway i try my best not to think about it and think positively. Maybe i may tend to sound a little technical here, but well, he, my this choice, not only fits most my requirements, but also i feel i've made the right choice to be with him. And i count myself real lucky, provided i choose him solely on how he carries himself in front of his friends and that he din really make real obvious efforts of 'chase'. whaha...

haa..think DLY is going to have goose-pimples again..whaa..anyway me dun care..!! xp


Anyway me juz feel like writing these down..and somehow, think it's time for me to have a quiet time, thinking about people around me.....

NE show tomorrow, later still needs to read up on my first aid manual (juz in case). but gee..maybe tmr morning i can get to see him for jogging and for breakfast..!! really hope he'll wake up early...really hope he'll happily surprise me tmr morning..

Have not been hearing anything from my buddy who is stuck in the local tropical 'jungle'. wonder how he is now...

also, wondering when Anh's coming back..i want play badminton with him..and want to learn more skills from him..

Another quotes of the day..

"We would think a man insane who, instead of covering his house with a roof and putting windows in his window frames, goes out in stormy weather, and scolds the wind, the rain, and the clouds. But we all do the same when we scold and blame the evil in other people instead of fighting the evil which exists in us. It is possible to get rid of the evil inside of us, as it is possible to make a roof and windows for our house. This is possible. But it is not possible for us to destroy evil in this world, just as we cannot order the weather to change and the clouds to disappear. If, instead of teaching others, we would educate and improve ourselves, then there would be less evil in this world, and all people would live better lives.

Do not be embarrassed by your mistakes. Nothing can teach us better than our understanding of them. This is one of the best ways of self-education."
- THOMAS CARLYLE

"When people wanted to kill a bear in the ancient times, they hung a heavy log over a bowl of honey. The bear would push the log away in order to eat the honey. The log would swing back and hit the bear. The bear would become irritated and push the log even harder, and it would return and hit him harder in return. This would continue until the log killed the bear. People behave in the same way when they return evil for the evil they receive from other people. Can't people be wiser than bears?

You should respond with kindess toward evil done to you, and you will destroy in an evil person that pleasure which he derives from evil.

The true teaching of love is strong; it kills evil before evil can grow and beome powerful."

Read the same book again yesterday and only have the time today to write. Find these two quotes to be very meaningful and necessary. Hatred often occupies a certain portion in our hearts. Many often, when we do not sit down peacefully and reflect calmly with rationality, we are often blindfolded by the truth of evil. As a result, as the saying goes,"an eye for an eye" or at worst situations, "few eyes for an eye". It is tough to forgive and forget and it is tough to refrain ourselves from taking our so-called revenge.

This is human nature. Or I should say,

This is the animalistic nature in humans.

Anyway, lucky thing i managed to contact one of my frens who is from hk. Have very urgent important stuff to ask. Phew..i'm real relieved that i could get through her in short time and she really helped me a real deal lots. Very grateful to her. =) i have decided that i have to help her as much as possible, to the best of my ability, whenever she needs help from me.

Btw, i feel the need to pray for my friends, especially some of them.

A Calendar of Wisdom...by Leo Tolstoy

Recently have the time to go the library and borrow some books. =)

Been a long time since i read my favourite reading materials.

Philosophy - that's one of my reading subjects.

Borrow this book "A Calendar of Wisdom" written by Leo Tolstoy. This book was said to be written and selected from the world's sacred texts and it seems to me that this author was a renowned one (dun "play-play" ah..).

Anyway found some of the quotes very interesting and meaningful. So selectively select my favourite quotes:

"The difference between real material poison and intellectual poison is that most material poison is disgusting to the taste, but intellectual poison, who takes the form of cheap newspapers or bad books, can unfortunately sometimes be attractive."

"The life of a person without faith is the life of an animal."

"Kind people help each other even without noticing that they are doing so, adn evil people act against each other on purpose."

"Put at least half of your energy into making yourself free of empty wishes, and very soon you will see that in so doing you will receive much greater fulfillment and happiness."
- After EPICTETUS

"No matter how many times you aim to achieve victory over your passions, do not give up. Every effort weakens the power of passion and makes it easier to gain victory over it."

"The kinder and the more thoughtful a person is, the more kindness he can find in other people."

"The higher the position you occupy among other people, the more humble you should be. Many people live in height and glory, but the mysteries of this world can be revealed only to those who are humble. Do not seek out complication. Treat your duty with respect. Do not study what you should not. More things have already been revealed to you than you can understand."
- From APOCRYPHA

"Remember all the bad things which you have done, and try to avoid doing bad things again. Remembering only your good deeds will interfere with your doing good in the future."

"People live by love: love for yourself is the beginning of death; love of other people and of God is the beginning of life."

hmm.

Badminton session is also great. Wilson is real good. Well, after all he's a school team player, so haa..certain level of standard needs to be there. hhaa..but well, today played with my the one, wilson and daliyong. Good game. My backhand serving has shown improvements and today i managed to play slightly better. but well, still lost badly to wilson and daliyong. Totally destroyed by wilson. haa.. =p but my service was not done well today and my light serving as well.

long time never play with anh now. wonder how he is in his hometown, vietnam. When school re-opens, i must get to play with him.

not going to see my the one for this whole week. =( sigh..important domestic matters at hand...

Ne show this coming sat. Need to wear the no-rank rc uniform. hopefully it has been done by fri.

Finally have uploaded more cosy bay's photos on friendster. funny ones. please dun laugh too hard though. hahaa..

thanks..people... =)

Thanks ling..thanks for telling me..i feel more at ease now..thanks really a lot.. =) i love u all guys..!! hahaa.. xP

But of course, the detachment people are treating me well. Yesterday, if it wasn't for this deteachment friend, I really have no idea what to do. The chairman is very nice too. He really cares for his detachment members and i heard from this friend that he was asked by the chairman to take good care of me, making sure that i'll not be pushed around. And this detachment friend was really very helpful and took great care of me. So thankful that I join the right detachment. =)

Anyway i love my sjab zone 3. Start to love them even lots. haa..i'm really very touched. Will put in my best effort. =)

Yes..!! tomorrow's playing badminton..!! i'm so so happy..!! but my right arm is aching badly ( cos i use this arm to support the casualty's full body weight), wonder how i will fare playing. The badminton kakis are back together again..!! ^^

utterly pissed off in the day, challenging at the end...

my pants issue is solved. Managed to buy it but the cutting is not very nice. But well, i dun care..

Utterly pissed off in the beginning of the whole duty. when i reached rhouse, things are not arranged properly. Everyone is very scattered and there is no actual meeting area in the hq.

Next, my pass is not done, and i have to do a temporary pass. -_- n heard fr my fren there that things are pretty political. To me, it seems that politics are more prominent. Sigh....

Next thing, reached the stadium. messy meSSY MESSy....disOrGaNISED..DISorganised..

that's all i want to say. Things which could be done in the hq are done there, which seems to cause the whole thing to be disorganised and look last-minute.

Talking about last minute, heard that things are well-planned initially, but implementation of the planning is not fully carried out. last-minute changes are done and my detachment fren was being pushed around by the duty committee.

Not just that, i was very unhappy about some attitudes from one member in the committee. One first aider from another detachment and i were sitting on a bench when she came forward to us. she wanted us to move away cos they will be having a meeting. The problem is that she can't put the message across nicely, and it seems like she's looking down on us. -_- so wat she's an officer?! no customer service. At that point in time, i dislike her a lot and find her to be a very ugly person. =( phmf, yes,i am very angry.

Ok, next, the arrangement of where my detachment fren and i are supposed to stand. Think cos of political issue, or watsoever personal issue, our names are cancelled off without our permission..!! what crap!! =( yes, i'm angry again.

Anyway the whole thing is utterly disorganised and i am very disappointed with the high-level management. Utterly disgusted, pissed, disappointed..!!! At one particular point in time, i've this strong urge of writing to the newspapers. But well, i restrained my utter disappointment. Also, at that point in time, i really miss my zone's ppl badly..cos in their hands, i know and i trust them that they can do things much much better. y do i say so? cos i've been through ndp duty with them last yr, and they've done a very great job in managing ppl and organising things.

and of course, i'm not condemning the committee totally. In fact, my detachment fren has been very very helpful. he knows i need to get a pass and almost bugs the duty chairperson every time he saw him. he really takes a very good care of me this political amateur cum political idiot.

Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. When the duty was almost ending, cases stepped in and i was involved in one. A challenging one. Hypertension case. Spent a great deal reassuring the casualty in getting her to resume normal breathing. She's basically struggling in great pain and was yelling and crying. Tough one. Anyway realised she has great phobia for medical-related stuff. Also got her relative to do a great deal of reassurance. Lucky she's around, cos it'll make things done more effectively n efficiently. Afterall, casualty will feel more reassured when the relative does the job. Spent almost 2 hrs on reassuring the casualty. phew.

Learnt that a casualty really does not need juz the medical treatment, but an important yet insignificant thing is that, he needs emotional and mental treatment. But really glad that i can get to handle a case, juz there are many times when i can't have the chance if there is. Anyway i am really glad that the casualty is feeling so much better and has gone home safely. =)

Saw hp and jh today. jh jokingly said something which hurts me a lot. Really a lot. I join red cross juz because i wanna to be exposed to more first aid experiences, and very often i feel stressed when giving treatment with my rank on. with no rank at all, i feel that i might be able to practise first aid with ease cos i know very well that i've poor first aid experiences and do not excel in it. with my rank on, i am very worried that if i can't treat a casualty, the cadets will start to question my rank and capability. but still, i wan to be with my zone 3 ppl. Afterall, i feel more at ease with them. Know them longer and definitely a certain level of ties is there n i really love being with them. Also, st john has taught me a lot stuff and groom me well. but i really hope they can understand me and not condemn me (if there is).

stress..stress..

stress.......STRESS.....

need to get a pair of dark blue pants by 1300 later...!!! arg...i din know it's compulsory to wear them!!! sigh...lucky thing daliyong has helped me find out whether tampi sells dark blue pants. Well, i'm not going to care so much about the gender of the pants. I juz wanna buy n wear..!!!

This is terrible..dark blue pants are so hard to find... =(

Anyway i'm really stressed up now..dun know whether i can really buy my ideal pants...sigh...

So right now, i'm feeling stressed up now n am trying to find people online to play msn minesweeper game with me now...

and of course, writing this blog..

basically,i'm stressed..stressed..STRESSED...!!!!!!!!!

hmm...

Feeling affected recently.

Been feeling tat i've not been a very good gf to him. A terrible one. Feel myself to be too conservative and narrow-minded, overly suspicious lady these few days. Paranoid, as well. As a result, ended up myself getting into troubles and problems. :(

well, anyway as i say, new challenges will be coming up. I have to make myself to be more accustomed to the future changes. I believe I will lose to some challenges but well, I just do my utmost best to face them.

Sometimes, i wonder how i could be more open-minded n less suspicious. Do have ideas to make myself to be as busy as possible - but that's a short-term solution, isn't it?

Any suggestion?

Be going for this sat's ndp red cross first aid coverage. might meet my sjab frens. hope they'll not be stunned or anything...i juz scare they've misunderstood my intention. cos i juz want to be exposed to as many first aid coverages as possible, in order to upgrade my first aid skill. red cross is my first pri cca which intro me to first aid and cultivate the passion within me, sjab is my cca which trains me more on first aid, nursing, leadership and personal development.

if were to ask me to choose only one, i'm sorry i can't.

cos both are my teachers of my life.

if weren't these two CCAs, there will not have a today's me.

feeling better..

i'm feeling better.

After a wonderful game of badminton and non-stop action of 5 hrs ktv with my 2 other friends.

Somehow, have this feeling that my r/s is moving on to another stage of challenge.

Kinda nervous though...hmm..

Recently, dun know wat's wrong with me. My emotions are almost fluctuating. Arg..terrible...I'm paranoid again...!!!!!!!!

ARGGGgggGGggGg..!! x_X

I'm crapping again...

-_________-

Disliked today.

Feel terribly cheated.

By one of my friends.

Can't believe me got cheated again.

By the same friend.

Something which i can't understand - why can't tell me that plan B has been carried out successfully? and left me this stupid idiot to carry on plan A?

Utterly hurt. Yet a word of apology is not said at all.

Well, i've carried out my plan B too. A subtle one though.

An act of so-called pre-planned revenge?
An act of mental and emotional preparations?
Probably.
Yet it brings out the true colour in this friend. I only know I'm utterly terribly disappointed.

Been feeling cheated these few days.

I can't bring myself to trust guys to a greater extent anymore.
That's why if my this relationship were to end one day, I do not wish to be attached so soon.
One, I dun want the other party to feel that he's just a substitute.
Two, I can't bring myself to trust guys more than in the past.

I know I always look dumb and easily to be cheated. But why take advantages? I put my whole heart to trust a person just because I always have faith in human nature and I always want to behold this faith. To me, I believe no one is completely evil. It's just that the circumstances and ever-changing self-belief and mis-trust bring one to the dark side.

Forced circumstances have drawn me to the darker side.

But dun fret, I'm still holding my faith.

As what I've learnt from my religious lessons in SAC - Forgive and Forget.

Liberated.. =)

Liberated.

From the death of boredom..

=) Nice.

Utterly bored during these 2 days. Watson store was utterly miserably boring. The products which i was asked to sell were almost overshadowed by their competitor products.

-_- terrible.

As a result, i was miserably demoralised. Keeping mum for almost 8 hrs.

I've great tolerance for silence. =]

But of course, he came to visit me. N i was quite affected by some stuff.

Not his fault.

Greed clouds my rationality and trust.

-_- Detest Greed my accompliance.

Anyway saw an old classmate in Watson while i was working. It's Bernard - my classmate who was in the same class as me in TPJC for the first 3 months..!! Goodness me..he's now working as a policeman..!!! ahh..i was very surprised and i was almost staring at him..haa..he caught my eyes but din seem to recognise me.. -_- stupid..anyway he's still as good-looking as ever..whahhaa...well, can say tat frankly over here since he does not have any means of telecommunication from me..if he knows this, i can tell that he will freak out..!! haha..cos i strongly believe n know that i'm not his type of girl. Anyway i'm not very physically appealing, so hhaa..yup..shall not make any further comment. Or else i'll feel depressed about myself again..

Sigh..also, it seems that i'm still not confirmed that i'm going for ndp duty..crap..

Many times, i really detest the sensation of uncertainty and insecurity.

It's suffocating to my emotions.

bored...but busy..

i'm bored..

At the same time, I'm busy too...

Din really have a good rest today..sigh..woke up late in the morning, then ended up cancelling the jogging session with HM..hha..can't go orchard today, ended up have to wake up early to go to the agency just to get one silly time sheet.. -_- SIANN...

Just gotten my tuition work pay..yet, i've to use it to pay for my phone bills.. -_-

SIAN...

Next, i've to start to purchasing a present for one of my frens..arg...might have to spend quite an amount on it.. T_T

Heart-Ache...

Working again as the 'Colgate girl' later in the day..in Parkway again..but this time, in Watson..haha..

Phew...

Then again, SIAN ahh...

Will be super bored later at work. Nothing to look forward after work. He might not be visiting me, and thus, not much motivation. Not just that, later in the day, there's SYF first aid coverage...and cos of work, i can't go...!!!

T_T arg....HEART-BREAKING...!!! *crack crack crack*

Have submitted my resignation letter..my mind is set and has been set.

Have to move on now...

Feeling very sian now..real sian..REAL REAL SIAN..

Slog for so long..yet my earnings are almost equivalent to his. =(
well, wat can i do? his results are there, so can negotiate for higher wage.

Sigh, reality... =(

Envy my fren who can work for his passion...always been busy but always have the chance to get close to his passion..

Really envy him...

School's starting in a few weeks' time, and i dun really look forward to it. Thank goodness, no more lab..i detest lab..detest the cold environment..besides, i'm studying this course for the sake of getting a degree. Passion? Na..not much. Unless they are willing to send me to New Zealand or other European countries to study about water..hhaa...

Hope i can get a class slot to study French...wanna go Paris one day, sit in a road-side cafe, drink coffee, and juz slack there like nobody's business.....and when i go from place to place, i can ride my bicycle, enjoying the cool breeze, the scenery and smell the flowers when i ride past them...

wWoooowOWw...i wan this kind of life.... ^^

Ok,i'm night-dreaming now... -_-