Leaving soon..

Leaving soon in 30 mins time..so nervous sia..

This trip is going to be a performance evaluation for me. If i could take good care of myself and come back safe and sound, I could have another chance of going overseas again, without my parents.
hahah..so i must jiayou..~!!

Oki, u guys take care..!!
Will miss all of u..!!! haha.. (^^)

Be coming on the 1st jan 2007. Be celebrating my new year day in tiger airway...haha..

Anything urgent, u could still sms me. Or contact my bro. haha..

Cya next yr..!!! =D

Great day (",)

Finally i'm free..!! haha..finally can come out..haha..

Tuition early in the morning..followed by going to army market to get my backpack. It's not those very big which can cover more than half of my body. But those which i can carry many things and up to the plane..
hahaha..me happy happy.. =D

Met dennis. Had a chat and realise he seems to be living well. And glad to know he's coping well..think the breakup makes him more motivated to do well in his law school. At least i feel he's happier than me, which i'm glad. From wat he told me about his recent life, he seems to be moving on in his life..hmm..yup..i should be glad for him la..yup... (",) probably really from the law school, he'll find someone much better than me.

I feel i'm moving on too. But my side's complicated la..But it's okay. At least i know he's living much better than me. I'm happy for him. (",)

Later after tat, went to meet up with my 4 good frens..!! hahaa..went to zj house, and start doing all the girly stuff..hahaa..me first time doing nail polish, but mine is juz those transparent nail coating..hm, jac, sin and zj have their nails decorated nicely..haha..me still not used to such thing la..tink i prefer cleaner nails..haha.. xp

Later after, did temporary perming..haha..hm helped me, zj n jac with our hair perming..all of us look nice. And i look quite feminine..ahhahaa..first time sia..hahaa..but since i receive positive comments from them, i'm going to have my hair permed permanently after i come back from vietnam...tink i look nice cos my hair is long, so the perming looks nice on me..hahaa.. xp

Saw Cookie today, and he has his fur cut..!! looks so handsome la..!!! haaaa..!!!

Went secret recipe to have dinner after all the perming n nail polishing...hahaa..a bit funny la, as if the whole 5 of us are going for some DnD events..hahaa..Later, went back to zj house, play cards..hahaa..

Had real great time with them today.. (^^)

I am going to miss them lots sia.....

Counting down..3 more days.

3 more days, and i'll be away from singapore.

Feel a bit unprepared..a lot of things to take note..my vietnamese is only noob. Goodness me..me feel so nervous..

Finally tmr i can get to go out to prepare my final stuff..backpack..zigblock bags..hmm..think i need to have my hair cut either on tue or after i came back.. Still need to go temple pray..arg...me so busy..!! T_T

Me pretty happy and excited for tmr..finally can meet up with zhijia they all for dinner.. (^^) last mon, din get to meet up with them due to my camp. And we are meeting up cos i'm leaving for vietnam soon..n tmr will be going to her house while waiting for sindy to come after her work. haa..can chit chat, catch up again..and can get to see cookie..!! hahaa..yeah, can "bake" cookie tmr..hahaa.. xp joking joking.. j'adore cookie beaucoup.. (^^)

Really hope i can get my IA company soon. Have this feeling that i need to wait for the third phase, where i'll be electronically allocated to a company..really need to pray hard for my allocation. Really hope i'll be allocated to a company...

For the first time, will be celebrating xmas in a foreign country with a group of friends.
For the first time, will be celebrating 2007 new year day in an plane.
For the first time, will be travelling on backpack without my parents.
For the first time, i really need to take real good care of myself.
For the first time, i will be fulfilling one of my dreams.

So many first time, juz for a trip.

Wow. Really hope all go well..

Will i miss everyone here?
haa..definitely.

Will miss my bed.
Will miss my Lala.
Will miss my four good friends.
Will miss my st john frens who have been close to me.
Will miss watching cartoons.
Will miss playing badminton with my frens.
Will miss going to Times bookshop to read books.
Will miss playing games.
Will miss my SAC girls.
Will miss a lot a lot things...

Also could take this opportunity to let go of some of my frustrations.. (",)

Sigh. (-_-)

Counting down to departure from singapore and to vietnam. With all my ntu schoolmates.

Really nervous, cos this is going to be my first time travelling overseas without my parents. So basically, i need to take real good care of myself.

And the weather in hanoi is going to be real cold. Hear that the lowest temperature can reach up to 10 degree celcius. But well, last year in hong kong and china, i've experienced such coldness before, so i'm more or less pretty mentally prepared. haha..

Pretty excited cos i can finally get away from my parents' nagging, and taste a bit of freedom. Furthermore, when i come back to singapore, it'll be 0100H of 1st january 2007. haha..so cool..n my parents allow me to sleep in airport's check-in area, till the next morning when public transportation is more convenient. And this is my first time celebrating christmas overseas.

And this is my first time celebrating christmas without anyone special.

These few days, i totally have no time to myself. After giving tuition, i still need to rush home to help my parents in doing translation in conversation with the foreign workers, and need to help them do the necessary clean-up. Till now, i've not fully packed my bag. Hopefully, my next Mon and tue permit me to do my final packup preparations.

Need to get a backpack and zigblock bags in army market on mon. Need to purchase a pair of jeans. Need to sign up for auto-roaming mobile service. Need to have a hair cut. arg..so busy..
sigh..

Anyway if u have anything u wanna me get for u in vietnam, do msg me..hahaa..

Day

My parents talked to me last night after the quarrel. Sigh..think i need 2 to 3 yrs to gain my mum's trust. Sian... (-_-)

Basically, my parents don't like one particular guy friend of mine really a lot. They totally ban him. Sigh...sian again.

Went to temple to pray. Been down on my luck recently. Hopefully after much praying, it'll get better...yup..

Very sian today la..tomorrow still need to go school for medical checkup and make final preparations. Really tired and busy.

But i'm greatly aware that i need to homely now le. Need to put more focus on my family matters.
Sigh, why do i have so many responsibilities?

Realised a real big generation gap between my parents and me. Sigh..

Anyway, me very tired now..mentally, emotionally and physically.

Talk again...

Day

My parents talked to me last night after the quarrel. Sigh..think i need 2 to 3 yrs to gain my mum's trust. Sian... (-_-)

Basically, my parents don't like one particular guy friend of mine really a lot. They totally ban him. Sigh...sian again.

Went to temple to pray. Been down on my luck recently. Hopefully after much praying, it'll get better...yup..

Very sian today la..tomorrow still need to go school for medical checkup and make final preparations. Really tired and busy.

But i'm greatly aware that i need to homely now le. Need to put more focus on my family matters.
Sigh, why do i have so many responsibilities?

Realised a real big generation gap between my parents and me. Sigh..

Anyway, me very tired now..mentally, emotionally and physically.

Talk again...

camp's finally over...

Camp is finally over..a lot of things to do during the camp. Very shagged. Totally shagged. T_T

Be going for vietnam soon. Going off on the 13th. Good, can escape from my mum. =D

Before i went for the camp, quarrelled with my mum again. Over wat? over juz one guy ACQUITANCE who often sends me forwarded hp messages. And basically my mum misreads them n thought i had some unqiue relationship with this guy. But the thing is, I din even talk to this friend on the phone nor sms. And yet juz from some stupid FORWARDED MESSAGES, she got very agitated and started telling me non-sensical stuff. Saying that she doesn't like this guy etc etc etc..

Wat the heck la...


And just when i'm back from camp, n when she's back home, i thought she'll think it straight. But the thing is NO..!!! It din get any better...!!! Ended up quarrelling with her again. I really disliked arguing with her..it's very tiring and i feel i'm deeply accused.

I am already very worried about my attachment thingy. Din get my attachment company in phase 1. Ended up needing my frens' help in getting a company for me while i'm still in camp. But I can't manage to get a confirmed company and need to apply for an interviewing company. The problem with applying for interviewing company is that ur attachment is still not confirmed yet. And i'm leaving for vietnam soon and i need to have the interview arranged earlier.

Basically this thing is not fixed and i'm already very vexed. I still have the vietnam trip to prepare. Yet, my mum'll worry the most unnecessary thing. She din even bother to want know whether i have gotten my attachment and only cares what kind of guy friend i'm mixing with.

Really, there are many times when i juz feel like killing myself. It's very hurting to be so wrongly accused and not greatly supported by my parents. I dun like them to be so unreasonable and narrow-minded and conservative and overly protective. I really want to get away from this house as much as possible. I no longer want to care whether I will miss my mum's cooking, cos this is no longer important. I juz want to get out of this house as fast as possible. Very soon, I will want to apply to stay in hostel. It's very tiring and mentally torturing to constantly hearing my mum's unnecessary nagging. She only cares for what she is worried, but she never cares for what i'm worried at all.

For all these few weeks after the break-up, i've been almost blogging. Why? Basically, I have been talking to this blog cos I have been mentally tortured by my mum ever since the break-up.

Very soon, or sooner or later, i'll suffer from great depression. Or maybe one day, i'll be with God.
A time to have peaceful times with God.

exams are finally over..!! (^^)

Exams are finally over..!! yeah..!!

A bit stunned n kinda stoned after the solid waste papers. had many unexpected questions.. T_T

Anyway exams are over..n i'm going to be real real busy..sigh...i'm quite sian..

Better paper..

Did a much better paper today..but hm today very blur, left her jacket in sch while on our way journey back to boon lay..haha..somemore as we were making a detour back to sch, it's pouring heavily, as if it's trying to make our journey difficult.hhaa..but luckily, hm still managed to find her jacket..hee..then also met weiming in sch too. Heard that his business law is not easy to handle, but then again, dennis is there to help him, so hopefully his business law can do well..haa..

the bk staff in my fav study place are very ke-ai..especially one working staff, the one who asks me whether i'm taking 'O' level exams now..hha..he knows wat to add on to my order. cos my order is pretty standard. hahaha...so funny..hha..

Having my last paper this fri. Be having a seafood buffet dinner with my family on that evening..me so excited..!! (^-^)

Realised tat i've been quite rude to my parents. I have no idea why..sigh..my temper is real nasty ever since the break-up.
Mood swing too. And i dislike the situation which i am in now. Whole mixed feelings.

Intending to have my hair cut and have it a temporary large-curl perm, see how i look with that hairstyle. Intending to buy more clothes, no longer purchasing t-shirt..be exercising more to lose weight..spend money...

i jus have this feeling to spend money.

Je suis fatiguee' beaucoup. =(

anyway intro u a mtv movie by jay chou. i love this mtv..in fact, i love the lycris. Gloomy lycris but i love its gloominess..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjvyaCRNyX4

enjoy!!

Wat a day to start (T_T) | wat a day to end (^^)

* The chapter of (T_T) *

Juz got killed by the structural design paper. Think i'm going to flunk it and re-take this module.

Sigh. Going to break my record. (T_T)
Ever since the first day i entered school, i've never repeat any module.
SIGH.

(T_T) Very sad.



* The chapter of (-_-) *

Someone tried to show me care and concern. He knows that i'm not feeling happy after the exams. But i have rejected. I really dun wan to start a 2nd relationship so soon. I am really tired. I know my efforts in putting the 2nd one now will only be 40%. sigh....

I see long-term in fascination. But I see short-term in reality.


* The chapter of (^^) *

Got hit by a rusty nail at home, after my dinner juz now.

Parents freaked out.
Cos it's a rusty nail.
I walked down alone to the clinic opposite my house.
It's raining.
And i'm a little depressed. Cos I feel alone of a sudden.
Din msg my that friend cos i've this strong feeling he'll rush down to the clinic. He did sth like this once before, so i know.

Got beiing called "auntie" by one stupid igorant teenager guy.
Just cos i wear my home clothes down and look a bit auntie.
Of course, the teenager realised he made a real big-time mistake when he turned to look at me. Realised my age doesn't fit auntie at all.
Realised he's in big time trouble.
Cos i'm basically looking at him, looking real big time offended.

But things changed after i entered the clinical office of this particular doctor.

He is so cute...!!!
Not this looks.
But his actions. (^^)

First time saw such a doctor. Before he asks me wat happened to me, he will introduce himself,"Hi, welcome to ______. I'm Dr.____...." And then he waved to me.

First, it's my first time when i see a doctor introduce himself before asking patient about his condition. Secondly, he waved to me mildly. It's like those wave with a little shyness.. (^^) so cute...his actions..
hhaa..obviously, i waved to him. haha..i should have introduced myself too. But cos i'm bit surprised by his actions, then i juz waved and smiled at him..hahaha.. (^^)

Dun know why, it feels tat it's my first time when i received TLC from a guy. haha...feels very happy..
First time i saw a doctor will paste a handiplast on the injection wound. Feels like some ai-xin handiplast..first time i saw a doctor help me wash my puncture wound so gently tat i hardly feel any pain.

ahhhh... (^^) i feel like so xing fu...at tat moment..!!

Cos everytime when i'm injured, i always treat myself. Cos i believe a lot of people think i've learnt first aid, so definitely can do self-treatment. But don't they know that first aiders need TLC from others too when they are injured?

Really..it's my first time feeling TLC from a guy.. (T_T) i feel so touched and xing fu...

And he's cute too..!!!

Sigh...too bad i can't get to know him more..hahahaaa...omg..

In fact, i have the urge to ask him medical knowledge about puncture wounds, more about tentanus. I've so many questions in my mind, but i don't dare to ask him..scare he'll be irritated. =p

But well, ended up walking home happily. Smiling away. Almost slipped and fell on my way home..ahaa..

Think i'm going to smile while sleeping tonight..haha... (^^)

Fine already.. (",)

I'm fine le..thanks zhijia, dennis, dly, simon....n thanks cecilia for the funny comics which u email me..haha..it does cheer me up..thanks people.. (",)

Talked to my mum nicely after coming back from my revision outside. As long as that issue is not mentioned, safe.

Not a very motivated mood to study today. Open-book exam later for structural design. Usually it means a tough paper. I've tasted it before in my yr 1's 1st semester physics exam. Almost killed me. x_x

Going to get real busy after exam. the vietnam trip training camp..standard chartered..going round to search for overseas call plan..preparing to pack my stuff...Read books (recently find a few literary novels worth to read)..n exercise ( I realise i've put on weight le..) ..n buy clothes n shoes (intending to change the way i dress when going out wif frens)..n oh ya, teach my student before leaving for vietnam..

My house is going to have some up-grading works in 2 days'time..sigh..have to go down to the mobile toilet to bathe...feels like going to have some kampong life soon..haha..basically my neighbourhood is having upgrading construction project. My house is going to have new windows, new toilets, new gate and a fire-proof door...And in the future, juz almost next to my house, there'll be a newly-built lift..haha..feel that the lift is specially built for my family. So near to my house. Just stepped out of my house door, and there you go. My personal lift which i am generous enough to share with my fellow neighbours..hahahaaaa...

Hopefully can pass the structural design paper. i'm not greedy for this. i juz wan a pass. tat's all..haha.. =p

Irritated..Very Irritated..

I'm absolutely irritated with my mum. Had a big quarrel with her over some stuff.

Really dislike the way how she communicates with me and asks questions.

For example, there is this sch name "xxxxxxxx secondary sch".
And next a question pops up like this, "What school is this?"

What would your answer be?

Basically my answer to it is,"it's a neighbourhood sch. it's a secondary sch."

I wonder how many people have such same answer as me.

And basically my mum is very unhappy with my this answer.
But that's the question n i give her the right answer. "It's a neighbourhood sch."
So, my brother gave such an answer, "It's not a very good sch. I recommend dun go."
And guess what? She's happy with it.

What the...

That answer is basically a personal opinion-based answer.

And I started telling her that that's not the right way to ask a question. Told her that she should say,"What do you think of this sch? Is it a good sch?" or "How is the academic environment in this sch? is it good?"

Later, she got irritated and the whole quarrel sparks fire.

Basically she's asking a generalised question and is expecting a specific answer.
NO.
She is expecting an opinion-based answer.
O_O

$&%!*#&(!)#*)!^%$#&^!&*)(_!*&*^%!#^@&#*(+_

OK. That's one incident.

Just now, a guy friend called me, just for a decent chat. And she asked. So i told her honestly. Guess what? She's telling stuff that she doesn't like this fellow and will not allow me to start any special relationship with him. O_O WHAT THE...!!!!

SO BASICALLY WHENEVER A GUY TALKS TO ME ON THE PHONE, SO IT'S NOTHING DECENT? AND WHATEVER FRIEND I MAKE, HAS TO GO THROUGH HER, IS IT?
&%^(!&#*^&$&*^&#)!(*#&!^&#)!

I thought being honest with her is fine, will make my mum feel at ease. But basically her response is horrible and disappoints me utterly. From now onwards, I'll not tell her any guy friend. I will just lie to her.

Who tells her that she gives me such response to my honesty?

I make sure I earn lotsa money and get out of this house where i can't even be treated respectfully as a person. I will still come back n visit my parents. And definitely, i will still help my brothers whatever i can. But i will not stay in this house, even if i'm single.

Already, ever since the whole break-up incident, my temper has dropped rock bottom. My tolerance level has dropped rock bottom. Vent more anger now. Whenever walking on the street alone, i will stone or look dumb. Had much more quarrels with my parents, especially my mum. Before the break-up, i have very little quarrels with them. Dislike her telling me stuff which i dun like to hear and i've no mood to heatr. All i wan to do is to study and work and earn money. I am getting sick of relationship. The more my mum lectures me, the more i get pissed about relationship.

I'm really quite sick and tired of this whole stupid life.

Shouted at my mum over the friend thingy just now. I know i am wrong to do that. I know it's very disrespectful of me. But i really can't take it anymore. Last time, I will keep quiet and keep everything to myself, and cried cried cried. Now i really hate to do this. Cos almost everytime when i do that, i feel myself almost hyperventilating and finding hard to breathe.

Structural Design is already giving me a big headache. Find it hard to do the problems in the past-year exam papers. Having quite a headache now. And my shoulder blades are aching again. All i want to focus is how to handle my studies. And yet my mum juz keeps telling me things which are unneceassary for me at this current stage. And everytime when i hear such issues, i will juz start getting irritated.

Get me out of here and give me wings to fly.

TIME

This is the official website for the korean movie which i've mentioned previously.
Find it a very nice story.

http://www.festivefilms.com/time/

Anyway juz realised the quotation which the female character says to her boyfriend, should be like this:

"Sorry for always having the same boring face."

hhaa...oops..completely different from what i've writeen... :p hhhaa..but BUT...it's all the same meaning...
hhaa.. xp

*Hope everything is fine for everyone around me...*

// 25th Nov //

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY, CECILIA..!!! 21 loh...hhhaa...hope u enjoy MediOut..!!!

MediOut..!!!! HHoooOOOoo...!!! haa..

// 25 th //

Happy 25th...

22nd day | 23rd day

// 22nd day //

Strength resolutely to say "NO" when we are tempted or persuaded to do anything which is wrong;
Patience to say to ourselves "Wait", when we are in too big a hurry;
Resolution to say "Now" when we are inclined to put it off till some future what should be done today;
...
A sense of responsibility, so that we may always think of how our actions will affect not only ourselves but others also.
...

// End //

// 23rd day //

Keep our thoughts so clean and pure that they may be fit for you to see.
Help us to live that even our secret actions, the things we do when there is no man to see, may be fit to be open to your sight.
O God, our Father, we know that there are those who love us.
Help us never to do anything to hurt or disappoint them.
Help us never to do anything which would make us less fit to be loved.
O God, our Father, we know that there are those whom we have an influence.
Help us never to do anything which would make it easier for them to go wrong.
Help us never to place temption in their way.
Help us to remember that there are things in this world which cost too much, and there are pleasure which can be too dearly bought, and help us to live, that life may be even stronger and purer and kinder day by day so that at the end of the days there may be nothing of which to be ashamed and nothing to regret.

// End //

// Pre-25th syndrome //

I'm having it again. Sigh.
Realised myself to have the urge to tear whenever someone treats me nice. Cos it always reminds me of things.

Watched a Korean movie preview "Time" which will be showing up in the later part of the year. Sad plot. The girlfriend goes for a complete facial plastic surgery cos she feels that things are getting duller along the many years of relationship with her man, and feels that the relationship is maintained for the sake of maintaining, feels that he doesn't love her as much as he used to be. She says something which strikes me, which is something like this,"I'm sorry that you have to see my this face for so many years." And after that, she leaves for a plastic surgery.

(-_-)

// Recovered from syndrome //

// Happy feet //

DLY told me sth which has kinda made my day today, despite being paranoid over my geo-environ paper.

hHaa..very happy.. (^^)

But i'll not write it here what he told me, cos if i were to write it out, i feel myself being thick-skinned..hhaa..

// tap tap tap //

21st day

// 21st day //

Those who are ill and pain;
Those who are waiting for an operation;
Those who are waiting for a doctor's diagnosis and verdict and who fear the worst;
Bless them.

Those who are nervous, worried, anxious, afraid of life;
Those who are on the verge of a nervous breakdown;
Those who feel that they cannot cope with life;
Bless them.

Those who are hungry and cold;
Those who are refugees with no home;
Those who are persecuted and those who have lost their freedom:
Bless them.

Out of your great riches supply the need of those distressed in body, mind or heart.

// End //

// Daily stuff //

Juz finished another paper..!!! Sigh..thought for this paper, i can score super well..na..forget it..
Lucky had DLY..haha..he treated me one mac ice cream cone today..!! haha..me so happy..has free ice cream to eat...ahahaa
So for those who know dly, if u are down or demoralised, u know who to look for for a free mac ice cream cone..haha.. =p *someone's gg to kill me* hahaa..

Felt a bit demoralised .. Sigh.. T_T

Yesterday when i woke up, had a utterly terribly bad shoulder ache..lucky it aches on my left side..but it's a torture to stand the pain, while studying for my today's paper. Think i've stressed myself too much, as what my parents had told me. I believe it's due to lack of small exercises, so body starts to take effect to tell me that it needs some rest although my brain can still keep working..

Now better, but still aches bit. Realised my body's physio-limitations. Last time's terrible sore eyes, now back ache. =(

Oki, i know a lot of my friends now are having exams now. So to end, i'll have a prayer for all of u...

Kanbatte..!!

// Prayer before Examinations //

Lord, it seems as though our lives are one tests after another, weighing us in somebody's balance.
Save us from taking the coming examinations too seriously or too lightly, but grant that we may reflect the best of the work we've done and the best of the teaching we've received; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

19th day | 20th day

// 19th day //

Help us at all times to remember our responsibility to ourselves.
Help us, never to act in such a way that we shall lose our self-respect.
Never to let ourselves down by doing something which is mean and low, disloyal and dishonourable;
Help us at all times to remember our responsibilities to our fellowmen.
Help us, Not to be the kind of people who are always remembering their rights and always forgetting their duties.
Not to be the kind of people who want to get everything out of life and nothing into it;
Help us at all times to remember our responsibilities to you.
Help us to remember that we shall answer to you for the way we have used the gifts you gavce us...
*the remaining sentences are more religious, so not intending to put them here, so as to respect everyone's religious belief.*

// 20th day //

Help us to remember that;
There is no achievement without work;
There is no learning without study;
There is no skill of body or of mind without discipline.

Help us to remember that,
There is no purity without vigilance;
There is no friendship without loyalty;
There is no love without the death of self.

Help us to remember that,
There is no joy without service;
There is no disciplineship without devotion,
There is no crown without a cross.

So help us to be willing to pay a price that we may enter into our reward.

// Reflections //

Trying to be good is very difficult. SIgh. Why do people go through so many stages of tests? for future judgement? or for evaluation of self-worth?

I know not all the time, i can be a nice person. I know there are times when i've failed to fulfill my many responsibilities.

// Stuff //

Later at 1300, my french theory exam. Hope everything goes smooth and well. Hope can finish the paper fast so that i can have more time to study for my hydraulics exam which is tomorrow...

AHHH... je suis fatiguee...

But i will KANBATTE...!!!

KANBATTE, everyone...!!!!!!!! KKKKAAANNNBBBATTTEEEE..!! *kanbatte in short*haha

// words of sigh //

sigh. Sigh. SIgh. SIGh. SIGH.

sigh. sigH. siGH. sIGH. SIGH.

siGh. sIGh. SIGh. SIGH.

SIGHHHHHHHH...

/* End */

// A note of Celebration //

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY, BUDDY..!!! =D

/* End */

// 18th day //

Adapted from SAC hymn book:

18th DAY.

The clear sight to see the right way, and the preseverance to walk in it;
The vision to see the ideal,and the discipline to toil towards it.

Help us never to be satisfied
With words without deeds;
With plans without performance;
With schemes without results;
With dreams without toil to make the dream come true.

Teach us
That the way to the stars is always steep;
That sweat is the price of all things precious;
That there can never be any crown without a cross.

/* End */

// Reflections //

still trying to learn a lot of things, which i've realised about myself. This whole journey of life seems to have never-ending lessons. Decide to post many messages which are found in SAC hymn book. Still keep it. And realised that i've kept many treausures and memories in it. This book, i realise more even now, that it is one for me to do self-reflections with God.

Wanting to be more optimistic, rather than being more paraniod and depressed. Still wanna be the old me, the happy-go-lucky one, the one whom Anh used to know (cos he said sth which striked me a lot). But have been through some incidents which removes every bit of happiness in me.

Still, i have kinda decided. I want to be as optimistic as possible. Recently, being pessimistic, depressed and paranoid only affects my studies. I try to be optimistic, but of course, do expect a bit hiccups from me still. Especially things related to my parents. I juz realised myself that i enter this world is to bring as much joy as possible to people. Though there are times when my ignorance cause others troubles, i will learn from every mistake. But will try my best to avoid committing grave mistakes which piss others to the core till my sins are not forgiven and forgotten.

In order to retain the optimism, i decide to add one message of life adapted from my sec sch hymn book.

Somehow, i begin to realise.

How come i seem to grow up slower than the rest?

omg..can't believe myself..again..haa..

me very tired today..

studied the whole day, but not very productive..sigh..

Bought a new handphone pouch today..cos the one which he gave it to me had spoilt.. sigh..
ya..maybe it's trying to tell me to change le..

REcently been on a spending spree, which i've no idea whether it is a good thing or not. First bought my laptop, next my handphone pouch, next food food food, etc...
Dun know what's wrong with me recently..things seem to be spoiling after the break-up.

I need to change my frameless spectacles soon. One of the lens are quite badky scratched and seem to be disturbing my eyesight. So recently been wearing the other spectacles. Not tat i wan look nerdy, but yup..hhaa..

Anyway sth funny happened today..

I was studying in BK today, in my new fav place. As usual, i'll go buy some drinks from the counter. as usual, i saw the same working staff there. So there's this one working guy staff who always works during that shift. So he's the one who took my order today. Think he is younger than me, still got a bit of the boyish look. But the thing is, he looks a bit like shaun, the one who used to be in my zone. haha.. =p

BUt, one funny thing is that he thought i was a student, taking 'O' level papers..

AHHHH....hhhaa..OMG...!!!

I've been mistaken to be a 16 yr old girl..!!! hahaaaa...i can't believe i can look tat young..
hhahaa..

Wat's funny next is that he looked kinda surprised..haha..shocked that i dun look an university student..shocked that i dun look as old as i am...

HHAAAAAAAHHAA...I find it very amusing...hahaaa..

----------------------------- END -------------------------------------

Someone writes this:

"...in some relationships, the harder u work, chase and cherish, the more she tries to run away. Plain knowing that u will never be far off but will keep u at an arm's length jus to be sure. Taunting u with her absurb antics jus so u will keep up with her erratic movements. Its so near yet so far. Pacing herself so precisely. Perseverance is the only thing u have in mind. Always believing that by kicking up ur effort level by a notch or two might close the gap. With time it gets tiring when u see no returns or even any signs of encouragements. Ur energy dwindles with ur extinguishing hope. U begin to settle down, hoping to recuperate whats left of that battered heart of urs, thinking that giving up and moving on might perhaps be the most logical and merciful decision for urself now. But it's really uncanny that she would then detect that dying pulse of ur heart like a cardiologist almost everytime and begins nearing u when u least expect it. Subjecting u to her relentless but subtle psychological seductions. Sparking new hope and energy into you jus to lead u into that viscious cycle, only to be tortured again and again. Clearly we know that's what might be awaiting us, but we will jus submit to it like a moth jetting towards an open flame. Its really painful but we will jus go head on. We are not masochistic, jus plainly in love...Stupid as stupid gets, but its jus sad to say that an honest man steadfast in love with perhaps the wrong person is like a sitting duck out in an open battle field, jus waiting to be killed. Its really maddening but certainly happening. Will we choose to give up then or will we not and jus decide to persevere on? I really dunno. On one hand, we can think that we might perish most probably and giving up is the most logical thing to do, but we probably might think that perhaps we can or will be that very last man standing after the end of the battle, emerging victorious after all. Battered but worthwhile...

Only God and she knows..."

Sigh.

One down, 6 more to go.

ONE down, finally..!!
Din have enough time to finish up. made a lot of careless mistakes, ended up spending some time, calculating the calculative mistakes.stupid..ended up losing one 12-marks question due to lack of time. i know how to do tat question.

sigh. so sad.

next coming up. my french theory paper on mon. followed up by tue's hydraulics. sigh.

very tired now. wanna rest soon.

Met my tat mad fren today. phew, my tat fren no longer mads at me le, me so happy. ha! =D

Din really talk to my mum over it. Find it no use talking. But definitely i find motivation to earn lotsa money. but then, most probably will start worryin about myself whether i will be blinded by materialistic stuff, and lose my own identity.

SIAN. (-_-) AGAIN !!!

ME SIAN AGAIN.

MY MUM STARTED CALLING MY HANDPHONE NON-STOP. AND SHE KEPT REAL CLOSE TO MY TRAVELLING TIME. WHAT THE LA..!!!

CAN'T SHE JUZ BE AWARE THAT WHATEVER SHE IS DOING SUCH THING, IS CREATING ONE LEVEL OF STRESS UP? WHEN I REACH HOME, I CAN'T FOCUS WELL. THAT'S MY STUDY TECHNIQUE AND HABIT. I NEED TO STUDY OUTSIDE !!! AND SHE NEEDS TO KEEP SO SUPER CLOSE TRACK OF ME. AND ALL SHE CAN DO NOW IS TO ADD UNNECESSARY STUPID STRESS ON ME !!!!

EVERY TIME, WHEN I THINK OF THIS, I GET VERY VERY EXHAUSTED AND JUZ DUN FEEL LIKE STUDYING !!!

EVERYTIME WHEN I THINK OF THIS, THE MORE I FEEL DETERMINED TO EARN LOTSA MONEY SO THAT I CAN OWN AN APPARTMENT FOR MYSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. SO THAT I DUN HAVE TO FEEL SO SO STUPID RESTRICTED.

ARG !!!! =(

SOMEHOW IT SEEMS TO DUE TO SUCH STUFF, I REALLY DETEST TO BE A PARENT IN THE FUTURE.

@%#^$%&*_)*($#%#@$#@#^&*)(*&(*^$#@$@#^^)*$#@!%^^)_*%$#%^&^#*)++><""#@#^^@@*(%$@@%*($##^)*!$^*)%@#%(^%$$*

hmpff. =(

I feel very angry and irritated.

tired..

tired.

but it seems to me that things turn outn slightly better...

Finally, one friend of mine is no that mad at me.

dun know recently, i have been like going around making ppl mad... (-_-) wat the...

Thank God, my that fren not tat mad at me. Think still mad, but not so mad as before..

Ok, put this aside first.

Good news.

My buddy is back..!!!!
HAaa..so happy to hear from him at last...!!!
HHAAA...

Been studying in airport for non-stop action pack. REal tired now.

Went youtube.com to watch a few cuts of "Helen the Baby Fox" movie. Super touching. Juz a few mini scenes, and i could feel myself wanting to tear. Sigh..too bad, can't watch over the cinema...

Hearing the "Helen the Baby Fox" music now, again.
If only i could have a chance to hear a real person playing this piece of music, right in front of me, n only for me, i believe i will cry till the whole place is flooded.
Of course, provided the person could play it well. Think this piece of music is not easy to play. Feelings need to be put into while playing it.
Anyway, right now, i only day-dream. haha

Still handling my life being single. Probably i've been attached for too long.

This thurs, my exams start.
Sigh.
Sian.
Heard that ENE competition is pretty tough, tougher than CEE.

WHYYYY...??? (T_T)

sigh. (-_-)

Sigh.

Why like this?

Sigh.

Terrible.

Praying hard that things'll turn out fine.

Please please... (T_T)

Sigh. (-_-)

NIce.. (",)

haha..nice nice nice...

First time saw Siberian Huskies with white fur..!! Both pups are only 3 months old, blue eyes, pure white fur and not only that, both are pure breed..!! OMG...!! o_O when i saw both of them, i was totally wholly electrified by them.. THEY ARE VERY VERY BEAUTIFUL..!! OMG...when the pups looked at me, i could feel myself being electrified and my heart melting away..

THEY ARE REALLY VERY BEAUTIFUL...they are so beautiful that i can't control myself but to ask the pet safari shop owner about their price. $2800..omg..so expensive..even more expensive than my Lala..according to the shop owner, the normal price for Siberian Husky with the common fur colour is about $2300, for the same age.

Sigh, too bad, i dun have the money now to buy them. Huskies with white fur are very rare.

Good, i have a target again.

I will get a Siberian Husky with white fur next time. I will work hard and earn lotsa of money. Of course, I will target to buy an apartment for myself first before getting a husky. NO choice, my parents dun really like pets to be kept at home. Also, they have been urging me to get myself an appartment. hahaa..yes, these are my targets now..!!

In fact, i have already thought of a name for my future husky le..n it's very nice name, suitable for husky..hahaha..

OK, this is only one happy thing.

NEXT...!!!

OK, next happy thing is that i've scored a A for my "Dogeaters" 1000-words assignment. I was utterly happily shocked..!!! I scored even higher than my "Dracula" assignment..!!! Not only this, i only took 3 hours to write this assignment with little research done.

WHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA....!!
Me so happy that i hopped towards my parents to tell them my good news..!! hahhahaa...

Real happy over the grade. BUt of course, i need to improve on my grammer, as what my tutor commented in the assignment:

"You present a nicely organized and insightful essay here. Nice work. Need to work on your grammar and clarity.
Grade: A"

hahahh..hmm..ya, this is what i need to improve on. But thanks goodness, she only marked upon my ideas and critics. =p

haha..me so so happy..

Can get to see such beautiful husky n get back such happy grade..!! me happy happy...

I've fallen in deep love with the white-fur, blue-eyed Siberian Husky..

OHHH..OH...please dun drag me out of this secret love...!!! NOoOOoo...

*crap*

tired but fun..

today's zj's birthday party..

Went her house early and played with dan dan n cookie.
Cookie has toned down real lots and become more obedient. Also, he looks more depressed. Dun know wny too..probably cos of the second entering of the second dog, dan dan.

dan dan is super hyper. jumped on me several times and some more kissed my lips out of the blue. Jus scarificed a kiss to a dog. omg..

But definitely i prefer cookie more..haha..

today's great party though zj doesn't have the time to entertain my click. haha..basically my thic click not very comfortable with crowds, so ended up in her sis's room playing scrabble and decorating her guestbook. think our decorations is the nicest among the rest..
hahaa

but a funny feeling often rises up within me today. it's as if zj is getting married and hm, jac, sindy n i are the bride-maids. Get to see zj dressed up nicely. Like her temporary perm even though her hair is not dyed. She dressed well today. hhaa..but the whole thing looks as if she's getting married. haha..

thinking about getting married, now i'm still wondering who among the five of us will get married first. At first, when i was attached, i would still think zj will get married first, then probably followed by me. But at that time, i still think i'll marry late cos i have to wait for him to settle his career first. but well, now, i din have to wait at all...sigh...anyway i din want to think about this whole stuff as i've already closing myself up le.. hhaa..still who will get married first? hmm..i'm still wondering..haha..but i believe on any of my fren's marriage, i'll think of someone, and could only heave a big sigh. hahahaa..

Still enjoyed the last part of the party when everyone has left, except hm, jac, sindy, me and dly. chatting and eating together around a table...feel so relaxed today le..
at that moment, i could know myself forgetting all about my exams..haha..too bad, cos it's ard the exam period, if not, i will badly want to stay overnight in zj's place...and chit-chat with all of them the whole night long....

Wonder when can have such chance...haha..still feel zj this patch of frens are still the most comfortable group of ppl whom i can be with,.. (^^)

anyway read about next yr's my chinese horoscope..doesn't sound like a good yr to me, in terms of work, love life..
sigh..especially my love life, read it might get complicated...sigh..probably it's meant that i have to break up afterall..n i've decided to close myself up, regarding relationship. cos i know right now, no matter which guy whom i talk to now, i'll have this natural tendency to compare.

arg..sian...i realised i'll still tear a bit when i remembered some stuff related to him. whenever i wait at tamp bus station, will still recall he'll wait for the bus with me, even though he'll not take initiative to hold my hands or anything...n i believe no matter when i do any presentation, i'll remember him as a good presenter and acts as a form of inspiration for me to do well in presentations..but it's in the past le...no point brooding over it, right?

Someone did like me alot but my feelings for him is not strong as he is for me. Besides, i juz want to close myself out to any guy. Will still interact with them la, but maybe the issue of getting a second rs is no longer my priority le..

anyway still, i enjoyed zj's birthday party..!!! (^^)

All tests cleared.

Cleared. All tests cleared. Now left the examinations.

Had a big rest after my french oral test.

Till now, i'm still taking a break.

haa..

Recently my mum is not tat marking me. Get to study outside. FInally..
hahaa

Got a new study place recently. Me quite happy, cos recently my fav place mac has been quite reluctant to letting students study there. I could understand why la. Although they allow us to study there during the weekdays, I could still feel the restrictions. haa..

Recently, my mum has been uptight with the guy friends whom i know. Worry this, worry that...AIYO...i din even think of anything and she keeps evaluating whether this guy has any intention or watever crap. (-_-) AIYOooooOO..lucky thing, i din tell her all the guy friends whom i know. phew.

Basically, right now, all i want to do is to focus on my studies and my interests.

Getting into another relationship?

Na, forget it. I am very very tired.

Been putting almost all my efforts into the first one. I am totally exhausted. Even if I were to get into a 2nd one at this time, it will be definitely half-half, or maybe even less than that. I am really totally exhausted.

Somemore my mum keeps evaluating about guys. Keep telling me to get guys who have the same or higher academic level than me so that i'll not have a tougt marriage life or watever crap stuff...she's making me feel that i need to be materialistic.. (-_-) sian. i know i have to realistic but i dun want to be so materialistic.

Also, she tells me not to read so many literature novels, claim they are not healthy for me. Asks me to read more newspapers. Says I'm too sentimental, probably due to my exposure to few literary texts. o_O i dislike reading newspapers la..!! So boring and dull la..

And recently, all the literature texts which i read and study contain many dark themes. The first text which i come into contact with dark themes is "I am the King of the Castle". Did study Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" but that theme is not dark enough. The darker themes are basically found more in my 2 current texts - Bram Stoker's "Dracula" and Jessica Hagedorn's "Dogeaters". The movie for Dracula is totally sexual and first time when i saw such movie. haa..not suitable for couples to watch together, cos the guy will definitely do wrong things after watching it. haha..then again, i scored a good A- for tat Dracula assignment.

Think i'll not do well for my "Dogeaters" assignment. The book is still abit cheem for me to understand totally. But i dun really like the language used in this book. Always "f" here and "f" there. I know it has a strong theme of sexuality. It just sounds so vulgar, but then again, that word does create a strong emphasis on that theme. Still like this book, cos it's a very different style as the old english literature texts, which is plotted chronologically and systematically.

Reading such texts do influence my way of thinking and allows me to be more open-minded. Think many times, my open-mindedness seems to bewilder my parents, especially my mum. Probably cos of this, she doesn't really prefer me reading more literary texts. And they want me to read more on philosophy. o_O ah..reading that is even worse la..!! cos not only i'll be more rational, but i'll be more sentimental la..probably even more paranoid..!!

Anyway, basically I am very exhausted about BGR. Very very tired. Have put too much efforts into the first one le. The reasons of me initiating the break-up are not many people who can comprehend and accept. Probably cos i din write out about it in here. And i do not wish to write out here. See no point in doing it anymore.

Think this break-up has been a shock to many friends, further more the initiator is me. hhaa..sigh..never mind, i dun feel like talking about this now. No point talking over it anymore.

sian day..

very sian today..

Din do very well for the hydraulics test.
din manage to prove the first question which all my frens can do it.
Got my 2nd question's water profile wrong..it's M2, not M1.

sian. (-_-)

sigh. Ended up myself getting depressed the whole day. went to eat mac meal for lunch. played games when i reached home. and cried for a while when i reached home. been putting a lot of pressures on myself..sigh..

think i should not mind so much about others' academic progress.

but the more i study engineering, the more i detest it. keep disliking why i ended up myself studying engineering. a course which i detest it very much since secondary sch. been always wanting to be in the medical line. but then look at where i land up myself.

engineering.

but of course, one good thing in ntu is that i can still get to study english and american literature and of course french. if i can't get to study all this humanities-related subjects, think i'm going crazy le..

tomorrow still need to be a tour guide to my sch alumni. feel stupid doing it. cos need to travel so long..
sian..

SIAN..

anyway me be coming from vietnam on the 2nd dec. Dun know whether it'll be fun. but definitely it's something which i've been always wanting to do. be going to hanoi and ha tay. even heard from the organising committee that will get to stay in run-down classrooms etc and there is not much water..

tat's wat i like. can get to experience tough life for a period of time. basically, will be educating the students in hanoi and ha tay about first aid awareness, health care, oral care, computer skills, HIV, and blood donations. Heard thhat also be visiting agent orange victims. sounds cool to me. and definitely it's going to be a great experience of learning to take care of myself. Also, i get to have some leadership opportunities and i'm pretty excited over it.

funny thing, i'm excited over such stuff, and never get excited over engineering stuff. i'm super tired now..

can i not study?

very sian leh..

Letter | Sick

To: Atticus Darcy

Thanks for helping me with the assignment.

Though you did not help me a lot in the assignment, your few words carried weight and inspiration to my writing at that moment.

Afterall i am a woman, a woman who knows little about justice, pride and prejudice.

But i will pray that you will do well in your regime.


Signing off,
Elizabeth Bennet Proctor.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sick for the whole day.

Sneezed the whole day..arg... (-_-)

lucky thing, my mum made some ginger drinks for me. Dun really like drinking it much cos it has a very strong smell of 'cong1' (dun know its name in english). But still, i drank it cos it'll be good for health. ha..

afternoon, nose is running a marathon. Now, it's running 2.4 km. Much better le.

Think i prefer talking to myself, as in writing blog. Start dislike opening my mouth and talking to people. Dun wan will have such a habit now. think my mouth is very tired too, and needs to take a break. HA..!!

Will be going overseas to vietnam on the 14th dec, instead of 6th dec. Wonder how the whole thing will be like. Going there wif a group of NTU ppl, instead of with my family. Think it'll be a great experience for me. I believe i will learn alot...haa...

Now my fingers are tired too.
I am a silent lamb.
A silent crab.

This is my life.
My life of silence.

hmm,

Finally i've something good about my tests.

Gotten an A- for my english literature Bram Stoker's "Dracula" 1000-words assignment. YEAH..!! Finally, i've a good grade for one of my tests..!! Finally..!! Enfin..!! haa..

I was real happy when i got back the grade yesterday. A- is the highest grade of all the rest and i'm one of the few who scored an A- for it. haa..i din really expect it, only expecting to get a B, due to my poor command of english and grammical mistakes. haa..but i believe i'm graded well for my ideas and critics. still, glad that my this american tutor is open-minded. hhaa..

Still, i'll get worried for its exam papers. Still remembered when i took another literature-related module during one semester, i also got an A- for my assignment but ended up getting a B for overall, due to the exams paper which i think i dun fare very well. Scare that this time, i'll get the same grade again for my this module. =x

What a pity, my this module is juz a prescribed elective. SiAN.

(-_-)

haa..also, gotten my new laptop today..!! my acer's travelmate 3010..!! With the weight of 1.5 kg and a screen sized 12", i simply love it. Besides that, it only costs 2,149 bucks, with intel dual core, 1 Gb DDR2, DVD-super multi double layer..etc..think it's quite a good specs for my usage. haa..anyway use my own money to pay for this laptop. I have the finance to support it, so i dun wan my parents to pay for me. They have paid a great deal for my education, especially my university fees.

Alors, il s'appelle Lala...

Haa..crap...

(-_-) SIAN | NAIS (-_-)

SIAN AHH...

Gotten back alot of my semester's first tests..

Din do well at all. Flunked one and the rest are all passing grades.

SIAN. (-_-)

This semester's subjects are getting harder and I am starting to lose all my studious morale..sometimes, or in fact many times, i juz dislike going to sch to study things which i dun like. engineering. till now, i dislike this course. but wat to do? i must get at least an degree in order to survive in the society. u may think academic results are not everything. True. But this is merely an optimistic way of thinking. I've learnt it in a hard way.

The competition in ENE is getting tougher. Almost everyone is scoring well for their tests la..!! sigh..

SIAN. (-__-)

Recently, me so stressed up that i eat more frequent than before. Me so stressed up that i can't sleep in my bedroom last night. Ended up sleeping on the sofa in the living room. 4 and 1/2 hr of sleep.

SIAN. (-___-)

REminded myself that i used to sleep like this when i was in junior college. Too stressed up.

In fact, this semester, i've not been involving in many activities. But then, i've no idea why i still can't catch. I do my tutorials more regularly for this semester, attended a bit more lecture for this semester, yet i can't catch up with the rest. Sigh...

Now in school, writing this "sian"ly blog of mine. Just finished my hydraulics tutorial and still dun understand the concepts for the stupid hydraulics jump..this friday's the test le...

SIAN. (-____-)

Later in the evening, i still have to attend a meeting for my sch's vietnam mission. This sat, i still need to help out by being a tour guide to my sch alumni juz cos they are the main sponser for this mission trip.
I dun feel like going for the tour guide thingy lei..but then, if i dun go and help out, i feel i'm not involving actively in this project, as what i've promised during the interview. (by the way, the interview for me was very short, takes only about 5 to 10 mins. Others took so long and yet mine took so short. SIAn.) Anyway, how? should i not go for the tour guide thingy?

SIAN. (-_____-)

OKie, my face is getting longer now.
Shall stop here before my face grows even longer.


(-__________________________________________________-)

Okay, tis too long...

teSTs , tEstS...

A lot of tests this week.

30th octobre - French Theory

1st novembre - Geo-environmental

03/11 - Hydraulics

This is only within this week.

I still have a test on Solid Waste, which i've no idea when.

I still have another 1000-words assignment for my english literature.
And i believe this assignment is going to be harder than Bram Stoker's "Dracula".
The book I'm currently studying is "Dogeaters" and o_O this book, c'est difficile.

T_T

I wanna cry la..!!!

Not enough time to study la...!!! Been studying non-stop..almost 8 to 9 hrs of studying per day.

Cooolll..

Further more, I'm been marked by my mum now, and i can't go unnecessarily to my favourite study place to study..

SIAN..

je suis fatiguée...

25th.

It's 25th.

Been feeling a little moody for almost the whole day.

25th.

Sigh.

25th.
Finally I went to order the laptop which i wanted to buy badly.
Acer TM320X. A 12 inches screen with only 15kg of weight. Integrated 1.3 megapixels camera. Nice. I love it. Small screen but i'm fine with it. As long as it's ultra-portable. =D

25th.
Saw my vietnam good pal, Anh. Finally get to see him liao..!! But he told me that i look thinner and more pale.
Something striked me when he said, "Where is the old Man Sze who is always jumping around?"
Sigh. I have no idea, Anh.

25th.
My mum has agreed to let me go for the Vietnam mission organised by NTU..!! yeah..!! (^^) so happy..!! Going overseas for voluntary mission has always been one of my dreams..!! Also, only 20 students are selected to be part of the expedition team and i am really happy that I am selected..!!

25th.
I miss 25th.
Used to do something. Something which I used to never get tired of doing it. But of course, many times when i've been busy, i've no time to do. But sometimes, juz feel this stuff which i do is not often being appreciated. Then again, no longer doing it anymore.

25th.
Think it's only me who will still have nostaglic feeling towards 25th...

(-_-) , ; ' "

many things happened within these few days.

Too many things.

After the break up.

Too many things which i have no idea where to start and how to start.


// A Price to Pay //

I'm starting to believe more in retributions and doing more good deeds.

I lost something but I'm glad I've not lost everything.

Doing more good deeds are important.

Cultivating oneself to be a person who has the minimum thoughts of greed and evilness is even more important.

Not easy to do. But it takes a lot of time and courage.


// Suicide //

Like many people say, you will never know how it really feels until you are really in the situation.

I finally realised how it feels like when one intends to commit suicide.

Be it sinking into depression.
Be it cutting oneself's wrist with a sharp pen-knife.
Be it going berserk.
Be it going to jump down from the high-stories flat.

Many of you will think that it's cos of this person's weak mental self-control and perservance.
But this mindset is wrong.

The person is not mentally or emotionally weak.
He or she is only been pushed to the edge of the cliff of life, by the constant inflow of negative circumstances.
Every negative circumstance, every threshold the person needs to hold to.
At early stage, he or she can still remain optimistic. But as such negativity piles up consistently, within a span of time, the more the person has to carry this constant piling up of threshold.
Talking to other people no longer helps to relieve the stress and depression.

Especially for those who do not open up easily to others.

It's very hard to describe to all of you how it really feels like in the process of developing the idea of suicide and implementing it.

But now, I can really feel how one of my last year's NCOC cadet has been going through in his life. I believe that at that time, he went berserk was not because he faked it. But it's because he no longer can hold the anger within himself. He did not show his berserk behaviour to his parents, most probably cos he still respects and loves his parents and had contained his anger. So when there's a source of venting anger, he will grab the opportunity. Scary for a 14yr old teen. But I feel I could understand how he feels.

To be always obeying to parents' instructions and guidance, regardless of its nature.
To be not able to do what you really want.

Trapped.
Completely trapped.

At that time, I could feel, very strongly, and till now, that being in an uniformed group is not what he actually wants. He may tell his parents how much he loves being in it. But I believe he's saying just to please his parents.

Still remembered that incident very vividly. He was afterall under my care and leadership and I see the need and responsibility to cater to their welfare. He went berserk and I was totally traumatised, even till now. I could feel his hidden anger and unhappiness. From the pictures which he uploaded in his friendster, I could feel very strongly that he is a sad and disturbed child.

And it is though this incident, i've seen the ugly side of parenting. And i often detest the idea of parenting. A parent may think what he or she has planned for the child is meant goodness, but every man is different. everyone grows up differently.

Through this incident, I've often questioned myself about the meaning of uniformed group, the meaning of instilling discipline.

Till now, I still do think of this cadet. Still wondering how he has been. I hope he is as strong as me...

Basically, the feeling of developing and implementing the idea of commiting suicide is mixed and disturbed.


// Growing Up //

After this whole incident, I feel I have grown up.

It may not be over yet.

But at least now, I could feel i've grown up.
A person who is more matured.

But a person who will be less happier.

Letter

// A letter to Atticus Darcy //

A man of honour.

A man of pride.

A man whom j'aime.

Adapted:
"From the very beginning, from the very first moment that I met you, your manners showed me your charisma, leadership and your unleashed confidence to the feelings of others. On this basis was built, by later events, an im-movable fondness. After I had known you, I felt that you were the first man in the world whom I could ever be persuaded to marry."

A man of honour.

A man of pride.

A man whom j'aime.
Forever.

But give me some time.


Loves,
Elizabeth Bennet Proctor.

(-__-) NIAP | PAIN (-__-)

// Mery Shallay's Frenkanstain //

pain.

Frankenstein told me.

The monster seems to be disappearing away from his life.

He told me he was sorry for the things which he has done to it.

He was swallowing hard.

So hard that there was no tears at all.

He knew he had hurt it deeply. So deep that nothing could heal.

Pain.

Dun ask me further.

That's all he told me.


// Fate //

Seems to be believing in more about fate.

Believe everyone who enters into your life has a story for u to write in the book of life.

Short, there are some.

Long, there are some.

Pain, there are some.

Bliss, there are some.

Somehow, i seem to believe in before-life and after-life.

Some people will be re-entering your life just to repay u in gratitude of things which u have done to them in the previous life.

You may be also entering this person's life to repay something.

Good or bad, each entrance has its meaning.

In your life, you may not be able to repay this person's goodness. But you may mish to repay in your next life.

Me? I wanna be a human again in my next life. Cos there's someone whom i wan repay to very much.

Dun ask me who. Just let me have this personal secret to myself.


// God //

Recently, i could feel that God seems to be trying to tell me something.

Some things which He is trying to ask me to re-think.

May inflict serious injuries.

Today, someone seems to start to step into my life again.
By coincidence, I met a fren.
By coincidence, when i was feeling terrible.

one may go and another steps in.

T_T when is this going to end?

God, please tell me.

This time, i really need Your guidance.

tink i'm going to undergo mild depression.

again.

i could feel myself wanting to cry. i could feel myself wanting to throw temper.

but of course, i din display all this. so no worries, people. =)

probably i dun wan to unnecessarily hurt my frens around me, so i've contained all to myself. i know any words which come out in a fit of anger will only hurt people, sometimes will even lose the relationship.

so i choose to keep to myself and write all my frustrations and saddness here.
tat's why very often, my friends, u will tend to read depressing blogs here. Please forgive me if my blogs have often depressed u too.

very often, of course, i will look out of my bedroom's windows, look out at the sky at night, and talk to Him.

Somehow i often find comfort and peace just by talking to Him. To some people, such Him may not exist. To me, He exists.

Probably mainly because He is always keeping quiet when i talk to Him. So quiet that i could pour everything out to Him. To me, He responds to my laments with a gentle cool breeze.

Because He is always keeping quiet when i lament to Him. I could feel very strongly that He is my only listening ear at this very moment.

May not at this very moment.

But forever.

He may not give me any advice. But because He just listens quietly and responds to my laments quietly, i find complete comfort and peace.

Sometimes, He will show me some hints of advice through His small yet subtle ways. i could feel wat He is trying to tell me at many ocassions.

------ **********-------------

Anyway dun worry about me. i'm feeling better now after writing this, after writing about Him. Feeling better when i'm listening to this particular music. It is a theme music from the japanese movie - "Helen the Baby Fox". Try going to its official website: http://www.helen-movie.jp

I love this piece of music. Sad but soothing. (",)

attended the IMF S2006's MOH appreciation reception..gotten a cert of appreciation..haa..nice nice..

The place was held in mount faber's safra..haa..the same restaurant where st john had held the sin-ma first aid competition. Somehow i still remembered that was the time when i first interacted with my good pal, and respected him. haa..tat was the time when i first interacted with ma'am polin and it gave me a real great deal of chill and cold sweat. haa..lucky thing, my this good pal was there and i dun feel so intimidated. phew..and that was the time when i was helping my zone to sell snacks for the competition. hmm...bring back lotsa memories...haa..

Recently, my mood has never been good, and i think i've thrown a bit of temper on my the one. sigh...dun know why too..but recently i realise myself not having much patience as i have before. Probably cos that i've overslept many times, resulting myself not able to attend my mornings' tutorials. And i was really pissed..pissed with myself. Also, spent about 20 bucks on one taxi journey to sch, juz because i woke up late AGAIn and had to rush for my french's theory test.

(-_-)

No more tuition work for me currently. all my students have finished their exams..kinda miss them though. Think this batch of students whom i've taught are easier to teach and they leave pretty good impressions on me.

One is from maris stella. Teach him higher chinese and he is always very cheeky. Always telling me jokes which i can't help myself but to laugh. Always telling me non-sensical stuff which i can't really stop him while teaching him.

The other two students are basically classmates. Both have totally extreme learning habits. One will keep a notebook and she is very hardworking. I only teach her for two months, and she's scoring well for her tests. But her basic is very unstable. Sometimes giving me high BP.
The other is very lazy but he has fast learning ability. Always scold him for not doing my homework and threatening him that i'll tell his mum about his laziness. But funny thing is, i never complain to his mum. haaa..He's also one cheeky fellow. Very often when i give him work to do, he will give me that kind of 'poor thing' look which i always tell him,"please dun give me that kind of look.i can't stand it."haa.. =p but he has his talent - still remembered that he has talent for computers. nice nice...

The last student of mine is a 'N' level student. She will do my work and I like her learning attitude. Also, she's very cute and bubbly, often cheering me up with her innocence. haa..but as a tutor, i've a responsibility, so many times i can't joke with her a lot. =( n oh ya, her mum offers me one whole crystal skin mooncake. guess what? there's one BIG chocolate in the middle of the mooncake. (^_^) wwwwoowowww....i love it..!!! haa..

Really miss these students. Wonder whether i can still teach them...

Miss my SAC girls too. Really wonder how are they. Especially one sec one girl. Can't remember her name but she's one cadet who starts to open up more after i've talked to her. She's one whom i really feel a sense of self-satisfaction.

sigh..i dun know lei..feeling a bit tired of many things now......

Empty

je ne sais pas.

I'm feeling empty.

Have no idea why I am feeling this way.

As i talked to God juz now, I could feel myself wanting to cry.

Sometimes really want to get a Siberian husky.

Big and furry and huggable.

Though it doesn't understand what i'm talking about, it will still be my good listening ear.

At least its hug will comfort n ease me.

Anyway, no worries about me, people...

To remove that emptiness, I will chiong my studies. Chiong everything i do. Till i tire myself at the end of the day.

Lord, give me the strength.

-------- (-_-) ----------

Want to play badminton badly, all of a sudden.

Want to do smacking..haa..

Smack all my emptiness and frustrations away.

Cool. =)

happening..

A lot of things happened within these few days.

--- STORY 1 ---

Monday -

French role play test.

Late for my french tutorial again. (-_-)

Well, lucky thing i paired up with one classmate whom i am more comfortable with.

Lucky thing, I've prepared the test. The topic came up within my expectation.

A conversation between u and a french student:

Me : Bonsoir!! Comment ça va? Je m'appelle Man Sze. Vous vous sappelez comment?

My fren: Bonsoir!! Je m'appelle (my fren's name). Vous habitez òu?

Me: J'habite à singapour. Je suis singapourienne. Quelle est votre nationalité?

My fren: Je suis française. Je suis étudiante en uigénieuring. Et vous?

Me: J'etudie assusi..! Quel age vous avez?

My fren: J'ai vingt-et-un ans. Et vous?

Me: J'ai aussi..!! Quelles langues vous parlez?

My fren: Je parle français et un peu anglais. Et vous?

Me: Je parle anglais, chinois et un pey français.

My fren: ohh...Vous avez petit ami?

Me: Oui, j'ai petit ami. Il est à singapour. Et vous?

My fren: Non, je suis célibataire.

(Bell rings...)

Me: â bientot !! Au revoir !!!

MY fren: Au revoir !!!

*so how's it? hahaa...*

--- STORY 2 ---

Wednesday -

It's solid waste project presentation. And my friend and I represented our group to present our topics of research.

Waste minimasation in offices.

Choice of research venue: NTU's Student Services Centre building.

The slides were done on Tuesday and I prepared my part of presentation only on Wednesday morning.

2 hours before the presentation.

Guess what?

I believe I did well.

The class was impressed. My group was impressed. Even my tutor was impressed. He clapped at one portion of my presentation. Think he was really impressed with some ways of reusing paper which i demonstrated to the class.

=)

I knew myself I was very nervous. I knew myself that I still stammered at some words. cos I could feel my hands shivering at one instant and that it has been some time since my last presentation.

But i believe I have done well this time.

Cos think I've impressed the class that ladies can do presentations well too. I believe I have shown the guys that ladies can display their confidence on stage too. =)

Also, during the selection of group members, i did not belong to any group at all cos i did not know anyone from there. Some said they had sufficient group members, and there was one group which consisted of all guys and i think they were not very willing to take me in. They probably think I am a girl and can't contribute much.

hhaa..anyway normally i present myself to be kinda slack..always late for tutorials and lectures..haa..

You don't want take me in?

Fine.

I'll show you that you under-estimate my ability.

I'll prove you guys wrong.

And yup, I believe I did prove the guys wrong.

I believe I did prove to the class that it's a pity of not taking this blur girl into their groups.

I believe I have done my group real proud. They were utterly happy. haha..

GIRLS RULES..!!! =D

*probably cos i've been with my the one for long. I think when i presented at one moment, i could feel i'm talking like him. I could feel i displayed the confidence as how he presents himself when he talks. But of course, i'm still not as good as him. Then again, as i present along the way, i feel i could sense his presence. Probably cos during the presentation i was wearing the ring which he gave to me. *

hhaaa..DLY going to have big-time goose-pimples again..!! haaa.. XD

--- STORY 3 ---

Sad one this time.

Frankenstein could feel the sudden emptiness within him.

At that instant. Probably for long.

The monster was once mean.
It changed to the better.
But it always seems that being nice only leads to inflicting injuries upon self.
It decides to return to its dark side.

Frankenstein feels empty.

At that instant.

Probably for a long long time.

ARRRGGGG..!!

ARrRgggGGgG...

sth's wrong with me..

Rally wronge..

studei my sTeLe tset n realies tae it si no netx ntex MnO..!!! NTO tSI MnO..!!!

ADn nAd..

eM sTNoiGn AL..

(x_O)

wta's GoNg no Wfi eM..???

cPRA..!! ACRP..!!!

(T_T)

tiring week.. x_O

weekend's super busy..

Din have enough time to take any rest... T_T

Tuition on sat morning. Totally shagged, ended up myself not making for my 4 gd frens' gathering.. T_T

Duty in chinatown later on sat evening..

=) Finally, i had a case to attend to..!! A minor one, compared to the E case attended by my fren..

But still, it's a good experience. Long time i have not handled any case liao. Did feel a bit nervous initially. Really scared that the case will be a hip fracture one cos she's real skinny. Looks kinda fragile too. If goes by the concept of physics, the impact of fall (if a big one) may hurt her left hip as she fell right on it. By newton's third law, F=ma.

Ok,tat's CRAP. =p
Anyway thank goodness, it's not tat serious as i thought. Though she's still limping away to rest.

As wat my fren said, it's probably due to the rush of adrenaline in my body. After the case, i could still feel my legs are trembling a little. True, the adrenline rush needs to take some time to settle down. But of course, i believe strongly at that time while attending to the case, i know i din panick, but stay calm. PHEW...

Have not been having good sleeping habit recently. Still rushing over the sewing kit. Few hours of non-stop sewing.

My eyes swell with fatigue.

---- End of phase 1 ----

Realise Frankenstein has not been feeling happy these few days.

He told me he is the cause of the monster's downfall.

He told me he was tramatised. I could understand why.

A man filled with zest and bliss.

Now a man of paranoid and confusion.

Sigh.

---- End of phase 2 ----

"Welcome to the real world"

Someone said that to me once.

Disappointed?
Kinda disappointed.

Confused?
Very confused.

Paranoid?
Utterly paranoid.

Realistic?
Extremely realistic.

Detest it to the core.

"Welcome to the real world."

(-_-)

dun know why..these few days have not been in a greatest mood..

Probably the stress from the tests' doing all the tricks..

Too many things happened le.

Recently have been praying to God.

Prayin to Him to bless me with friends whom i can trust and get really be comfortable with.

Praying to Him to bless my the one that he can do well in law school so that he can have more time to spend time with me, other than studying (been meeting him just to study together).

Praying to Him to bless all my friends whom i trust and feel comfortable with.

Praying to Him that the friendship which i try my best to maintain will never change to the worst, but to the better.

Praying to Him for everything He has blessed and protected me. Cos i know He is always there for me.

But sometimes i just can't understand why people will change, often to the worst. People are changing not to trust others so much, resulting in some situations which hurt others' feelings. I can't understand myself either.

Frankenstein has changed ever since the day when he made the monster. He seems to shun away from Trust and leave the monster on its own destruction.

The monster used to be an innocent and good-hearted one. It trusted everyone around but cos of its appearance, it's being hurt. Badly.

It cried and I feel I could hear.

Maybe strong on the surface. But fragile inner. Just like a crab.

I pray that God will bless the monster, no matter how bad it will get in the future.

--- End (-_-) ---

Bought the "Princess hours" soundtrack. Great songs and music.
But dun know why, i feel like crying when i start to listen to them.

However, whenever i listen to these songs and music, i will talk to Him. He gives me the peace and comfort which i am yearning for.

Thank you, Lord. I love You lots. (",)

CooOoll..

First time ever.

First time ever I have studied so hard during this early period.

It's only test..!!!!!

And I'm already started to study real hard.

Chiong my books.

6 hours non-stop action.

COOL.

6 hours of studying concrete structure. Figuring out how figures are calculated, figuring out how to play with concrete.

50% into my head. (-_-)

Extremely tired now. Tomorrow going school and skipping my lectures.
Friday's hydraulics test - my hydraulics idol's test..!! WhooOo...hhaa..

Oh ya, forget to add this.

This morning, when i came out from my solid waste tutorial, i met my hydraulics tutor. He's my GIP interviewer too. Guess what?

He can still recongise me cos he smiled to me..!!!

AHHHhhHhh.. *faint* *faint*

I have to really do well for this subject. TRY not to be late for his tutorial.

----- End of phase one -------

Had a weird feeling encountered when i was sitting in mrt train from boon lay. Had a weird feeling that someone wanted to do something. Haa..but i shunned off. There's evidence of some obvious signs.

(-_-)

I have decided upon myself to never allow such thing happen. To me, such thing doesn't last long. I am getting pessimistic over such stuff.

(-_-)

I'm busy..more busy again..

BUsy again..

In fact, no, I'm more busy now.

Tests are coming.

hydraulics test this fri.
Concrete structure test next mon.
English literature project consisting of 1000 words next tue.
Water supply test next fri.

O_x

OMG..!!!

Really find it hard to breathe...

arg.....

This semester is really hard to get by.
Miss public duties.

But then I have things at hand.
Tuition jobs...
Studies...

Just these two are enough to keep me busy.. T_T

Anyway I am hired to be a part-time excursion tour guide for KFC's Chicky club's children. The person who contacted me for this job still remembered me as the Protex roadshow's hand-wash educator for kids. He still remembered me as the one who interacted with the kids in the wash-hand game activity. hhaa..me very happy..when i first heard it, I was in tamp mac. So went to the toilet to jump for joy.

Can't help myself. Me too happy.

First, cos initially, the working staff in the roadshow seemed to have underestimated my working ability. Well, cos i'm always looking that blur (can't help..i juz have that face). So i believe i really surprised them with the way how i managed to get the kids engage in that activity.

It's good to feel tat way. =)

Just rejected the interview for my school's GIP (Global Immersion Programme).

Just rejected the interview to go France for my next semester's industrial attachment.

Reason being? Personal reasons.
Calculated risk which I know nothing will turn out good just to pursue my dream of going France.

Still wonder my the one will be thankful and treasure me more for my this last-minute withdrawal from this programme.

Heard the programme is pretisgous. So after rejecting it, still feel kinda a little regretted.

But well, i try to take things at their stride. Afterall, this course has never been what i want to study.

If I were to be given a scholarship to go overseas to study medicine, at all costs, I will go.

But not for this. For my personal reasons, I faltered at the last minute on the day of interview.

The GIP interviewee, who is also my Hydraulics lecturer and tutor, asked me yesterday for the reasons of this sudden withdrawal. He looked kinda concerned but still he encouraged me to do well for exams. Sound kinda comforting to me. But then if I were to go for interview, I have this intuition that I'll be selected.

Anyway it's over. Dun wan think about it so much.

(-_-)

When this incident is over, it seems to me that a friendship has slowly disspated.
I have no idea why. Have an intuition that it's not positive.
Once again, I may learn something from this friendship.

(-_-) (-_-)

Feeling slightly better..

Din study at all yesterday..hha..

It's Sindy's birthday..!!

Happy 21st birthday!! ^^

Only managed to meet them in the evening. And well, took some neoprints. ^^ haha.. =) think i look nice in those photos..whaa...

Went zhijia's house after dinner. Played with Cookie. He's very hyper.. O-o haha..always urging people to play with him..and his mouth is pretty wet, ending up my clothes smell of his saliva..haha..but he's grown. His head's getting bigger.

Haaa..

Anyway tried the hoola loop in her house. haha..finally i know how to do that..!!! yeah..!!! me so happy..cos initially hm was laughing real hard when she initially saw me playing with the hoola loop. The way i hoola was kinda hmmmm..funny...it's really funny..

hhaa...

Deciding to buy a hoola loop. so that i can practise at home. also, dun know why, i can feel my tummy go flatter.

Pyschological flattening?
Or physically flattening?

Haa..dun care la..i'll juz buy one!!! >_<

very tired. very stressed.

only until now, then i have some time to write my bloggie.

Recently, wat have i been doing?

study.

study.

study.

study.

I can almost feel I'm going to explode.

These few days, I have several occassions when i feel like crying.

Realise that i can't.

Have bottled up my stress for a long time.

Yet i dun know how to vent out this stress.

Did feel better after a badminton session on wed. But realise it hasn't removed all my stress..

T_T

i really wan to cry out..

I feel very terrible......

*faInT* *FaInT*

I wanna faint today..haha..

Saw one of my old pri sch friends today..!! ArgGGggGGg..

I wannna faint..

Almost fainted.

hhaa..met him in bedok central with a girl. If i am not wrong, that should be his girlfriend. Glad to know that he has met another girl. But this girl looks different from his ex. This one is more quiet-looking and less active. Looks more suitable for him..haa..but when he saw me, he got stunned there for a moment, making me stun there for a short moment too.

With a waffle in one hand.

A file in another.

And me chewing the waffle.

And I stunned there for a moment.

O_O arrggg...!!

*faint* *faint*

Lucky thing is that I wore better just now. Phew.... =P

He has slimmed down pretty much, compared to when i saw him in junior college (i entered the same sch as him, but different classes). And definitely, he's grown to be more good-looking. haa...he used to my eye-candy in my primary school's years..hhaa..his eyes are pretty nice. but the thing is that he never even greets me at all la.. -_- the same old him still..recognised me yet din acknowledge me.. -__-

HAA..

u may think i've strayed off..hahaa.. NO nO NOoo..I am still in great l_v_ (fill in the letters urself) ..whaahaa..though his eyes are smaller than this pri sch fren's, his have the voltage high enough to make me feel the electric shock...

Ah..!!! i'm electricuted..!! stay a few metres away from me..!! Ah..!! *shock* *shock*

Someone's going to have goose-pimples again. haha..

busy..BUSy..liKe a BeeEzzz..

this is the first week when tutorials have started..

bussssyy..BuzzYyyyy..

already feeling the stress level in me on the first week of tutorials. also busy preparing my students for their tests and exams. T_T

me and my the one have started becoming couple muggers..hahaa..for him, i can understand. cos he has lotsa reading to do. Kanbatte..!!!

juz gotten a new tuition assignment. so in total,i have 4 students at all. One who is preparing her 'N' level exams.. x_o stress sia..

My prescribed elective is cool - "Music, Technology and Novel". Again it's english literature related. hhee..think i'll still prefer taking english literature to chinese literature. As i can express my opinions better in english, though my command of language is not very satisfying. For chinese, i could only write better in narrative works. Anyway, for this elective, i'll be studying "Dracula"and "Dogseater". Think i'll like these two works real lots.

my French language lessons are great too. Not easy to understand when my french teacher speaks too fast. But i love her voice - gentle yet brings out a level of artistic appreciation. Beautiful.. ^^ Well, motivates me to learn french more and better. haha..

but my this voice quality doesn't really suit specking french. japanese suits my voice more - more kawaii, u see.. hhaa..but well, i still love the french language and wanna speak it well.. =)

Miss playing badminton..feeling that i'm gaining weight again.. T_T

badminton, fireworks, HMV

played badminton today.. T_T i played badly today.. sigh.. think i'm tired ba..

Reached esplanade to watch the fireworks with my the one..super crowded..then ended up him being annoyed. din really get a good view site. partly cos tat we reached there late. hmm..but i think next time round, i shall go there alone or with my friends. At that point in time, i juz remembered that he dislikes crowded places a lot. noticed his expression juz now, he doesn't seem to enjoy the whole thingy totally...But well, still, despite the poor view site, i could still see the high level fireworks, especially the finale. The fireworks were simply displayed like nobody's business..!! as if they have too much money to spend..hhaa...

But well, tat's what i love the last part.

Many yet ongoing with high pace. hhaa..

Went to HMV after the fireworks. Saw the 'princess hours' soundtrack album.. T_T have that great urge to buy..!!! T_T goodness me..!! but it's quite costly for me.. sigh... =(

BORING DAY..

thReal boring day today..

Sigh..

Took 2 hrs of nap and watched 3 hrs of the korean drama "princess hours".

Initially wanted to go esplanade watch the singapore fireworks festival. In the end, made up my mind not to go le..

Going alone to watch the fireworks performance. think i'll tear in the end.

initially my the one told me that he's going pubbing with his orientation group mates.

Can't believe it's faster than i expect.

I expect one of the days, he will go such places.

Wat can i do? i can't do much. haiz..sooner or later, he'll change...

But i really want to go to watch the fireworks performance tonight badly. Did try to ask him whether he wants to go but he seems to shrug it off.

That's why even if i were to go alone, think i'll feel very down..wishing him to be there etc..
Should have asked lip yung to go with me, since he's bored today too..hhaa..

But well, my the one decided not to go pubbing. Cos he was asked to make a choice between pubbing and meeting me for breakfast tomorrow. not asked by me. I feel more relieved.
But then, there will be other chances when he will go pubbing.

I never like guys who go clubbing. That's why i'm very scared for him. Scared he will do something behind my back. But wel, juz realise he's wanting pub, not club..*phew*

Paranoid?

Yes i am.

Very paranoid when it comes to this.

So what to do? i juz let him go if one day he's going. For socialising.

HAIZ.

school's started..!!

School's started..me so excited..!! ^^

Really eager to start a brand new school day..cos there's no lab session at all in this semester..!! haha..me so so happy..cos i dun have to have that evil idea of wanting to burn down all labs in my sch..

whahaa...

Reached boon lay's new bus interchange and my school's bus booth is extremely EXTREMELY far away from the mrt station.. o_O

Bad decision-making. Dun they know that this will only increase the 'skipping school' morale in us, the students? Well, cos they've just increased my morale. hee.. >_<

Not my fault...

As usual, late for the 0830 lecture. and of course, i give that "i can't be bothered to be punctual" face. hhaa.. =p

Realised my favourite lecturer teaching us waste water engineering..!! hah..me so happy..!! he's very very cute. Find him looking like Santa Claus. Dun know why i will have such idea. maybe cos he's a foreigner and he has a belly and he looks old..haha.. ^^ so ke ai..!!

My hydraulics lecturer is an interesting person too. He's not physically cute nor good-looking at all. But he can make the whole class listen to him, though there were times when i still dozed off. hhaa..like my this lecturer.. ^^

Realise there are many interesting lecturers around in my sch. There is one who looks like Yu Tian (a tawainese artiste), one who looks like Fei Xiang. I have one hydrology lecturer who has a hairstyle of Einstein and a pair of cute deep jiu wo. haha..

And one more..!! He's my favourite lecturer..!! ^^
To me, he's considered to be quite good-looking and a very good presenter. He used to teach my patch of yr 1 common engineering students nuclear physics. He's always looking very pleasant. I still remembered, I walked past him twice and he smiled at me TWICE..!! ^^ aaahhhh...got electrocuted by his smile..!! hhaa..but too bad, this lecturer's from EEE. o_o

Anyway today's my last day in kumon. Really excited cos i find myself getting bored of working there with little pay.

This semester's timetable is great. No lab. class ends early. Can learn French.

But need to go sch early everyday. 0830 everyday. o_O

Let me see which 0830 lessons to skip..

sch's starting..

school's starting tmr..

Pretty excited.. =)

Been having tough time at home..have not been laughing (including smiling) and crapping with my family for a very long time..often wonder whether my parents actually miss my jokes and non-sensical craps and laughters..

Sigh..dun care much le..

School's starting, giving me excuses not to go home for dinner.

Nowadays, i've been having tough time having dinner with them. I'm like a walking corpse.

-------- (-_-) ------------

Will be going for Red Cross first aid duty's IMF. Feel like going.

There might have riots.

I dun care. That's what i want to be involved.

I'm crazy. probably. But i've been wanting to do this when i was back in HK last yr..

Wanna show my parents that i can take care of myself.

-------------- (-_-) (-_-) ----------------

During a recent gathering with my 4 very good friends, one of them posed a very good question.

"What do you think where you will be after 5 years?"

A question which i no longer have a definite answer to.

When i was in junior collage, i can still answer this question.

"Will be in NUS medicine. Saving people with the medical knowledge i hold dearly. Be a unique doctor to all my patients. Will be taking photos with all my patients. Will be......"

No longer now.

"Maybe i will try again for medicine course. Maybe i will go work as an engineering for 2 years. Maybe i will go NIE take up teaching. Maybe....."

Of course, I enjoy doing first aid duties. But so what? my family is not supporting me at all. my parents dun seem to understand what i actually like. They cannot understand why i like to go for first aid duties.

Arg..dun care liao..

I'm sounding terrible now again..

--------------- (-_-)' (-_-)" (-_-)"' -------------------

Great day..

Great day yesterday.. ^^

initially had a bad tummy ache in the morning. Visited the doctor and well, my stomach's okay. So i gave myself a good excuse to go cycling with lipyung they all..haha..

Cycling is fun cos it''s been a long time since i cycled. haa..met the Northland sec girls there'. they were having sec 3 camp and 2 of these girls recognised me.hhaa..

BBq in the evening. My the one came to attend the bbq and hahaa..guess what? He's the BBQ hero of the night..!! ^^ well, he helped to start the fire twice..!! hey, ppl, must thank him ah..hhaa..but i can't help much with the starting of fire. So, all i can do is juz stand by him, giving moral support and provided him as many welfare services to him as possible. whhaa..'think i'm going to be his personal missy..hahaa..!!! ^^

The chicken wings marinated by ys's mum was fantastic..!! I enjoyed eating them. But think cos my stomach's not fully recovered, i can't eat much too. Feeling nausea later on. Partly due to the marshed otah's paste being bbq...the look of the paste really disgusted me, and made me wanna vomit... x_x

hhaa..anyway the day was great and as for today..!!! i'm going to meet my 4 good good frens..!! haha..so happy..!! going changi village..!! wonder what's that place like...haha.. ^^

My parents're still not talking to me..almost a month of cold war soon..the longest war i've ever had to endure... T_T why can't they juz start talking to me first, esp my dad? is face that that important? -_-